Family Guy MC : Season One and Two
by Warrior Emperor Z 1991
Summary: This is a retelling of the series, where the Griffins take in three new additions to their home and, eventually, their family. For more information on these characters, please visit my deviantART page fmallque32561. Anyway, hope y'all like it and if you do, please leave me your response for more chapters and, hopefully, more seasons.
1. PROLOGUE 1

**PROLOGUE**

The rebirth of The Warrior Emperor,**_ Son Frank Mallque_**

A thousand years have passed since Frank had become the Sandaime Rikudo Sennin, the 3rd Sage of Six Paths. As the third Jinchuuriki of the Juubi no Drago, he made it so that the Juubi will have the personality of Drago, also known as Fusion Dragonoid. By doing this, he brought peace to the world.

What happened then, during the Fourth(and Final) Great Shinobi World War, a dying Frank met Hagoromo Otsutsuki, the original Rikudo Sennin and awakened his half of the former Sage's Body and **Yang chakra** he had for being a member of the Uzumaki clan, an offshoot of the Senju Clan. Afterward, he awakened the other half, the Sage's Eye and **Yin Chakra **via blessing from Yang Madare Uchiha.

A dying Menma due to a chest wound managed to survive thanks to Karin's '**_Heal Bite_**_'. _Due to this, he was able to aid Frank in battle and defeat Yin Madara, the once then Nidaime Rikudo Sennin.

However, due to the death of both Madara's, the Juubi was once again free and fused with franks arch foe Darknarok. Frank, being the hero that he is, decided to seal it/ fuse with Darknarok inside himself and remake the biju along with the other half of Kurama, who was in Naruto body. Naruto and the other Hokages who were experienced in sealing. With the aid of the Shinigami, they were able to seal it away and, as stated earlier, place Drago as the primary personality. However, this came with the cost of Frank's _Resurrection_ ability. It's not like he has problem with it though, Frank respect the death so he won't resurrect himself, healing when dying yes but no revive

As the time passed, Frank became a legend and was hailed as the savior of their world. With this, he was given the title Sandaime Rikudo Sennin. After all the adventures he had at earth, his battle with the Mage of beginnin, the keyblade war against Xehanort and helping Son Goku defeat the shadow dragons, he had to make sure that the Juubi never becomes a weapon and to ensure that another Madara appears, he became a wanderer with his loving wife, **Aoi Kiyose Uzumaki Mallque**, the former Saiyan princess. The title of heir was passed onto her brother, trunks briefs, in order to travel with Frank.

However, as much as Frank wanted to be a father and forth his heir, he refused. He was afraid that history will repeat itself similar to the Senju and Uchiha clans. He attempted to force Aoi to stay on earth, but we all know that women get what they want. Especially a woman who can kick your ass.

In Aoi's humble opinion, Frank had done so much. Saving the world, reforming the Juubi and so on and so forth. Ever since he was a child, Frank was always alone. She felt bad that she only stalked him and didn't do anything to help him earlier in his life. So she decided, that the only way to redeem herself was to stay by his side.

However, due to his Uzumaki lineage, his Sage training and being the Jinchuuriki of the Juubi, he obtained biological immortality. Meaning he will never age past his prime. He can still be killed, however nothing short of chopping his head off or annihilating him will do so. They discovered this when he stopped aging past 20. Frank once again attempted to force Aoi to leave due to his immortality.

Aoi only smiled and said, "I had refused to marry other men and gave up my rightful place as an heir to my brother so I can spend my days with you. Didn't I tell you I will always be by your side? I will always stay with you until Shinigami-sama takes me away".

Frank couldn't bring himself to turn Aoi away. So she stayed, gave her love, gave her years and everything else to him. She had been around 90 when she breathed her last.

"Don't ever lose hope my love. I will always love you, one day you'll find yourself in a situation where Kami will give you a chance at true happiness. While I miss my little brother, our children that we had before your transformation and all the others back home, I know I'll join the soon. But I also know that we will always be waiting to welcome you there. I love you Frank, I love you with all my heart and I would not want you to lose hope. I want you to keep your word and never give up in the pursuit of true happiness...because that is our familys nindo, our ninja way".

After she said that, Frank gave her a kiss and they reminisced the years they spent together. By the time he finished, Aoi died with open eyes and a gentle smile on her face.

Years pass once more and the knowledge of chakra and ninja arts dissapeared in the sands of time as civilization and technology grew. Naruto was the last remnant of his time so he decided to observe the world from a distance, in order to not interfere with the world.

* * *

><p><strong>Mountain Peak<strong>

Standing on the top of a mountain was a male with spiky red hair and the bluest eyes you will ever see. Standing at the height of 5'8 and the appearance of an 18 year old, said male wore a jonin outfit with the exception being the flak jacket which was pure black and the white lining on his pants. On top of this he wore a black, long sleeved coat that had blue and red flames licking the bottom similar to the coat of the garlock simon, but instead of **Team Dai Gurren **symbol on the back it was **red sprial within Crown and nine** **magatamas**. Strapped on his back was the Bijuu summoning scroll and on top of it was a Red scabbard. Said scabbard held the**Sword of Nunoboko**. In his right hand he carried a Buddhist ringed staff.

This man is **Son Frank Mallque** Uzumaki Senju (he prefers **Son Frank Mallque** Uzumaki, his name's a mouthful), the last keyblade master shinobi and sage of his era. Looking closer into his eyes, you will see rainbow concentric circular patterns and a...slit pupil?

"It's been many millenia...3013 eh? And i was thinking Judgement Day will come at 2012"

"**I just woke from my hundred year sleep and the first thing I hear is your babbling?** Frank blinked when he heard the familiar voice. After a few seconds of mental processing, he smiled and then began to meditate.

When he opens his eyes, he was no longer in the physical realm, he was in his mindscape. And the Dragonoid now has become ten tail instead regular Dragonoid.

"Nice to see ya Drago, already a hundred years?" Frank grinned.

"It's been a while, Frank. How was the world since I was last awake?"

"Pretty boring honestly. There's peace...but I haven't found true happiness yet...I don't know what to do". Frank 's eyes suddenly looked dark, weary and tired. Yet they still had a burning passion...

"Be patient Frank, God must be has plans for you"

"_Indeed I do"_

Drago and Frank blinked, then turned around only to see a bright light in his mindscape. They covered their eyes and saw a glowing figure, clearly human in shape but any other features were indistinguishable, seemingly changing all the time.

"G-g-god?"

"_Hai, I am God_" the being said warmly.

"Oh God, it's an honor to meet you. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Frank said politely with kneel, only to hear a chuckle from god.

"_Now, now. Just relax, talk like usual_"

"Hai!" Frank was now in a stance similar to Kakashi, only without the book. This earned sweatdrops from both of them.

"_Actually __Frank-kun, since you seem rather...apathetic to this...I will take the form of your father instead!"_

The glowing form soon faded into a black-haired man known as Jake Mallque.

"_You wouldn't want your dad to get angry, wouldn't you kid_?" he grinned.

"Hai tou-san!" Frank responded immediately.

"Whipped" Drago whispered.

_"Did you say anything drago?" _Kami said sweetly, making the red Dragonoid become as white as a sheet.

Drago shook his head quickly, not wanting to offend the being any further. Frank had to hold his chuckles in when he saw this.

"_Now let's get to business as to why I am here. _**_Son Frank Mallque_**_, the Fourth __Warrior Emperor__, the savior of worlds that was once ruled with hatred. For that, I, God, will grant you a new life, a new/restart on earth, a remade world that has hardly seen war. A world of magic, suspense, mystery and adventure! A world made from one of your most favorite shows on fox!_

"A new world...wait...MAGIC?!"

God continued on, ignoring his outburst, "_Drago will be brought along, being a seperate entity with only half of his current power. Although he may keep the amount of tails he has. He will also have the ability to manipulate his evolutions, makes everything easier."_

Frank wasn't stupid enough to argue with god however, "Uh...about my immortality?"

"_We will discuss that later. As much I want to reunite you with your family but they are frozen in time, due to recarnation spell"_god sighed sadly and make Frank lower his head, Kami seeing this decide to waved it off,

"_Now let's move from gloomy part. You will be keeping all your skills. Also you will have to learn everything from scratch, with the exception of your eye techniques...I will also teach you one magic and like a good shi-err, mage, you can learn more magic's over the course of your life."_

"...that was a mouthful." Frank deadpanned.

"_Anyway, here the list of Magic's you can learn pick it up" _Kami tossed some note and Naruto took it

From many Magic's few caught his attention

**God Slayer Magic, Devil Slayer Magic, Arc of Time, Dragon Slayer Magic, Make Magic, Gravity Magic, Living Magic**

But among them the most what caught his attention is

"God Slayer?" Naruto said in surprise. A magic that able to slay God? He don't know about Magic but... Isn't it dangerous to have such magic?

_"_**God Slayer Magic**_ are Magic that able to slay God. However it won't able to slay high class God like me or Shinigami. It only can slay lesser Gods and Demigods" _Kami explained

"That sounds... Tempting... I pick that one" Naruto stated with grin

_"Very well. I will give you basic knowledge on "_**God Slayer** **Magic**_", which can slay lesser gods and demigods. You yourself have to train and make techniques to have a larger arsenal of this type of magic...you'll have to decide an element though. Also i said you can learn more magic's but you only can learn one more magic. You only can possess 2 magic not more than that so pick the second with wise. Anyway, I have said what has been needed to say and now goodbye! By the way, you are starting at the beingning of earth and you can't tell anyone about me!"_

Frank felt his vision blur and warp.

* * *

><p>It's been over centuries since Frank had seen anyone or anything for that matter. He hasn't seen his friends or his family as he has a job to do which is to protect the earth at its most dire crisis but over the years the humans have proved that they can take care of themselves now that they're freaking normal and since he can't really interfere with anything that can't be taken care of by the humans themselves, he is mostly in his own dimension most of the time watching over. Now that he has merged with the dragon balls, he can't really die from old age anymore.<p>

**I'm so bored. Shenlong, can I visit the human world please? I can go for a snack and when I say snack I mean large quantities of food and that noodle place where the giant rock faces are seems most promising right now. I promise they won't even notice me; I'll be good and won't do anything that will cause any sort of trouble. **Frank pleaded.

The giant green dragon showed a look of disproval as he listens to his successor.

**No ****Frank**, you may not go. I already told you, you can't go to the human word unless it's an emergency and besides, you don't even need to eat food anymore.****

Frank whimpered and whined of that in which resembled a 5 year old. **But Shenlong all I do is train all day and I haven't had a good fight since … well in ages and you know the thing that gives me the most sense of satisfactions is food and a good fight.**

Shenlong gave a long sigh wondering how he put up with this for generations upon generations.** Very well ****Frank** but only this once. Once you're finished with your business, I want you to come back immediately understood.****

Frank gave nod and watch as both Shenlong's eyes as well as his own body glow in a red hue. The next thing he knew he was in front of the sign in which resides the bar he's been wanting. Frank took a long hard glance on how much the world really changed starting with the sign.

**Quahog** … I liked it better when it was called west city oh well, can't complain now, I need some food.**** But the next thing he knew he was surrounded by what he assumed as a man. He looked strange to him as he all wore the same outfit and was wearing strange looking mask. Frank was about to raise his hand in surrender but he couldn't even do that as one of them immediately appeared right behind him with a strange looking knife pointed to his neck.

**Who are you and what is your purpose in coming here?** He said threateningly.

**Me? Oh well my name is Son ****Frank** and I came here for noodles but if you're asking for a fight, you're going to need a sharper knife. ****

As Frank said this everyone immediately tensed and brought out the same knife that other man was carrying pointing to his neck. With a loud battle cry Frank made a barrier using his own aura pushing the man behind him back and he expanded it sending him flying. The others started to throw their knifes at Frank but Frank reeled back both his arms and jerked one of them forward sending a shockwave stopping all of his enemies projectiles away from him and with his other hand, he made another shockwave this time knocking out all of his enemies. He took a glance at the one that he sent flying and saw that his mask fell off. The man had brown spiky hair with glass in his eyes. The brown haired man quickly got up and snarled at Frank with a glare that rivaled Menma's.

Frank this time raised his hand in surrender and told the white haired man he came in peace.

**Like I'm supposed to believe you when you attacked me and all of my men.**

Frank retaliated.** Well technically you attacked me. All I said was that I wanted noodles but you were asking for a fight. By the way what's your name? **Frank smiled with his usual Son grin.

The brown haired man was surprised by the sudden act of friendliness and with a grin like that … he couldn't really muster up any kind of hatred or anger to the strange looking man that was in front of him.

**My name is Peter Griffin and by the way you keep talking about noodles you probably mean Ichiraku's. You must be a tourist, a strong one at that.**

Frank grinned**. Something like that, can you lead me the way please. I'm starving!**

Peter smiled at the strange man's silliness and childlike behavior. **Why not, I can go for lunch as well. Hey, guys, you alright?** All the other people gave nods to their leader as they groggily got back up with aching backs. **I guess I jumped to conclusions when you suddenly appeared at the front gates. I thought you were an enemy. **

Frank gave a hearty laugh and smiled.** That's all right. You were only protecting your home after all.**

**I guess for me to reconcile my mistake would be to pay for the meal. My treat, eat as much as you like.** Peter smiled.

Frank couldn't help but silently laugh an evil laugh. _Oh he shouldn't have said that. He's going to feel this one in the morning._

Frank gave a content smile as he had his fill in which he considers being the best meal he has ever had since ages. Peter's eyes were the size of dinner plates as he saw the stack he was about to pay for. As Frank left peter managed to pay half while bowing down in forgiveness and promised to pay all of it at a later time.

**When I say eat as much as you want I meant only like 3 or 4 bowls, not 57. **

Frank put on a sheepish grin in embarrassment and apologized but his face quickly contorted to one of seriousness which caught peter off.

**Hey ****Frank**, are you alright?**** Frank wasn't paying attentions and looked up in the sky and saw it was dark out but that wasn't what was bothering him. What was bothering him was that he was feeling a sense of impending doom or a major catastrophe about to happen as he feels an evil presence nearby. The air around him always seemed thicker and darker when he's facing a person with malicious intent.

-Someplace else in quahog-

A man with an demon mask appeared in an empty district and pulled out a scroll and screamed.

**Kuchiyose no jutsu!** After he said those words a giant vicious beast with ten tails appeared with one big eye with 6 tomes around the small black center.

**Omega juubi, I order you to attack and destroy this world, understand? **The omega juubi gave a loud growl and started to raid the town and destroy everything it sees. With that, the man with the demon mask teleported back to his prime target, the Yondaime warrior emperor. (A.N. battle is cannon so I won't write the battle scene.)

-Back at Ichiraku's-

**Frank**!****

**Huh? What? **Frank said half mindedly.

**You were spacing out ****Frank**, are you alright?**** Peter said with a little concern.

**Well… do you ever feel like something bad is about to happen but you can't really tell why?**

As Frank said this, the very Earth started to quake and a loud screech could be heard as well as screaming and explosions.

Both peter and Frank looked towards the direction and saw a giant monster raiding and destroying the town.

**Oh no. **peter went rigid in fear as what would happen with this town and considering he knows that his brother would be preoccupied at the moment knowing full well that his wife is pregnant. (AN: He doesn't know about sayo being a jinchuuriki) He as well as other ninjas is on their own.

Peter then saw his friend Cleveland and both nodded on their next course of action.

**Cleveland we have to evacuate the town's people first before anything else!**

Cleveland gave a nod as he went to the other end of town while peter went into the front lines to save as much as he could.

Meanwhile Frank watched the whole spectacle pondering what he should do next.

_Man, what do I do? I did know that omega supposed to be seal by the end of earth but he is here trying to destroy the world, do I help or can they protect this world on their own. Shenlong said not to interfere unless absolute necessary and he's probably having a fit_ _right now because I'm not there._

As Frank continued pondering he saw a girl about to be crushed from falling rubble and debris.

Frank quickly charged his hand with Ki and fired a simple energy wave, destroying the falling debris. He then picked her up and took her to a safe location.

**You're going to be alright, I promise. Where do you live?**

The girl wasn't speaking in a coherent sentence as her voice was muffled by her sobs but Frank managed to hear **Pewterschmidt****mansion compound. **

The girl calmed down a little and showed her family's insignia and Frank nodded in understanding as he ran to find this compound.

**Can you tell me your name please?**

The little girl was surprised and blushed a little for not properly introducing herself to her hero.

**My name is ****Lois Pewterschmidt**. I have one baby sister who was just born today and the most adorable person you will ever see besides me and a mother and father and a….****

**Whoa take it easy, all I asked for was your name. Is this your compound?**

Lois blushed in embarrassment again before looking at the front gate that had an insignia of a red and white fan.

**Yes this is it, thank you so much.**

Frank gave a curt nod before disappearing leaving a surprised and dumbfounded Lois.

-Emperor Monument-

Frank watched as more and more people give up their lives trying to protect the town that the monster was destroying. Frank had to admit that this monster was pretty strong power wise but something just seemed unusual about this whole situation.

_Why is this juubi attacking quahog? Did they do something to make him…her… whatever it is mad? Man all of this thinking is hurting my head. Screw this; I'm helping even if Shenlong disapproves. This could be a challenge I've been looking for._

Frank immediately tensed as he let out a loud battle cry that could be heard all over quahog.

**GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **As Frank let out his scream his spiky hair turned gold with his eye's turning a shade of teal. To all residence of quahog, a golden pillar of light could be seen atop the emperor Monument.

As Frank finished his scream, he jetted off towards the monster in quick spurts of flashes with his glowing aura. As soon as Frank was within proximity 10 ft away from said monster, he released a barrel of super charged volley shots, pushing and surprising the ten tailed beast back. Once Frank pushed him back to the more destroyed and remote part of the village, he stopped firing and appeared in front of omega juubi and gave it a solid right hook to the cheek.

**TAKE THIS!** Juubi was sent flat on its back and growled in irritation from the pain this … "lowly human" did to him. At least that's what he thinks. The omega juubi then saw the man right above him screaming an incantation of some sort.

**KA…ME…HA…ME**… juubi saw a bright sphere being formed in the human's hands and before he knew it, the little man propelled his hands forward in the direction of where he was.

**HA! **Frank released a stream of pure energy towards the beast which hit right dead in the center. The juubi hissed in pain as whatever that energy beam was, hurt like hell but in actuality, the beam itself had enough power to probably vaporize 2/3 of Frank 's past enemies. (Meaning up to cell)

It was juubi's turn to fight back and retaliate with a vengeance. juubi ignored the searing pain in his body and promptly got back up and started to swat Frank with barrages of tail swings in a stabbing motion as if they were fists and finished with a slam of his claws sending Frank flying to a nearby wall. (Note that a tail swing from juubi can destroy a mountain according to the first episode of Naruto. So yea, it's actually hurting Frank a lot from each tail swing)

**Augh.** Frank groaned in pain as every bit of his body felt bruised. He felt like he went one on one with darklong again. He then saw that he had spectators nearby watching him and juubi duke it out as if they were watching a movie.

_WHAT ARE THEY DOING!? Don't they know that this is dangerous? They need to get out of here right now._

juubi looked at the direction of where his current opponent was looking at and grinned with pure delight on what it was about to do next.

Seeing this, Frank placed two fingers in his head and appeared in front of said spectators/ninjas and was promptly sent hurdling to another wall from being slammed again from another claw.

As soon as Frank got out of the rubble he was under in, he screamed at them to leave the premises.

**GET OUT OF HERE NOW! DO YOU ALL WANT TO DIE!? LEAVE, GO NOW!** As Frank yelled out his commands the villagers were stuck and glued to the ground in fear.

Frank growled in frustration but then saw peter carrying a few wounded people away from the battle.

**Peter! Take these people out of here now before something bad happens to them. I can't fight while protecting them at the same time. **Frank yelled. Peter gave a nod of conferment and summoned up many shadow clones to take them away from the battle.

Frank then faced his enemy again in anger.

**If we're going to fight, fight with honor.** As Frank said this, he crossed both his arms and tensed his body once more only this time lightning started to form around his aura as well as a big vein at his right temple. Power started to surge around Frank even more as he was drawing and channeling more power to himself.

**GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **As he continued yelling, his aura was surrounded by lightning, his golden hair became spikier, and his muscles bulged even bigger.

With his transformation complete, Frank looked at juubi square in the eye with pure confidence written all over his face.

**All right big guy, time for round two. **It was then Frank 's aura burst to life causing a small crater beneath the floor he walked on. Frank sunk in one of his boots in the ground preparing to charge at full speed with a jump start with juubi doing the same only with paws in its hind legs. They stared each other down until both man and beast charged at each other showing no mercy towards the other as it was an all-out brawl.

-Forested area of quahog-

**Rasengan! **A giant blue ball of energy slammed down on the man with the orange mask's back but before the attack itself finished, Jake Mallque, aka the Yondaime warrior emperor left a symbol/mark on the man's back. The attack left a giant crater veiling the two bodies with smoke/dust rubble.

The mysterious man with the demon mask got back on his feet huffing from fatigue while clutching onto his left arm. The arm started to what seemed like goo out or dissolves until the hand just suddenly fell right out of his socket.

It was then the emperor made himself known and stepped out of the smoke/dust rubble. With a sudden flash, he was in front of the mysterious man with his hand coming in contact with the other's chest and with a flick of the wrist, a seal formed around the body.

The man with the demon mask seems surprised but one can't really tell as… well because he's wearing a mask.

**You wounded me by marking me with your Flying Raijin Jutsu and managed to free my control over juubi with a contract seal … as expected of the phantom Flash but the juubi will eventually be mine again. I am going to rule the world…. **With that, the man with the demon mask was within a swirling vortex as his body started to fade and disappear.

It was then that the Yondaime warrior emperor started to show his fatigue from constantly fighting without break but he knows he must do this and keep fighting to keep his family and the town safe. He loomed over to the open area and went to look at the state of the town and see how it was holding up. He was surprised to see that not much of it was destroyed but was even more surprised that from what appears to be a small speck of light was actually damaging and fighting off juubi all on his/her/its own. (He can't really tell from that distance)

**This is no time for gawking and resting right now. I need to help. **With that, the Yondaime warrior emperor dashed towards the battle scene.

-Remote town area-

Juubi was then feeling strange as it felt like someone or something possessed him/her/it._ Ugh … my head._ Juubi was then punched in the left cheek and saw a man with spiky gold hair with a lightning like aura. He then growled in pain and stared at the man with contempt. Juubi swung one of its nine tails and swiped it at his mysterious opponent only to be surprised that he caught it without flinching.

Frank then started to spin the juubi's tail in a circular motion while lifting the creature up. He sent it flying through the gates of quahog into the forested area.

Juubi started to get really angry, no, angry is too small of a word to describe how much contempt he had to the mysterious man. Let's just say that juubi was feeling beyond livid from one, waking up from something only to get punched in the face and two, having been swung around as if he/she/it was a rag doll. _The insolent bastard!_

Juubi opened its mouth and started to charge up an attack.

Frank saw something forming as the monster he was facing opened its mouth. It looked like blue and red balls of energy forming together to mash up a highly condensed ball of energy of mass destruction. Plus it was purple Frank noted. Well whatever it was, Frank can sense that this attack is going to have the same destructive capabilities of menma's final rasengan flash or big bang biju bomb attack.

Frank didn't have much time to prepare a kamehameha wave as juubi released the giant purple ball of energy. Frank closed his eyes and crossed his arms and prepared himself for the attack but it never came.

Once Frank opened his eyes he saw a man with black hair adoring a black cloak that had the kanji for Yondaime warrior emperor on the back with red flames on the bottom of the was frank's father reborn in this world, Jake geo Mallque. The energy ball seemed to be suspended in the air as it looked like the ball of energy was getting sucked in by something. Once it was completely gone, the mysterious man looked at the forested area and pointed the knife horizontally at the direction he was looking at. After that, an explosion was seen from where the mysterious man was looking at.

**I'm glad that I made it in time**. As soon as he said those words, he stumbled to his knees.

**Hey are you all right. **Frank asked in concern. The young man nodded as he groggily got back up. He was huffing and sweating from what Frank could see as pure exhaustion. He himself felt it before when he fought cell for the first time and the after math of fighting Majin (fat one. The first time he transformed to ss3) Buu.

Both Frank and Jake saw that Juubi was preparing to fire another one. Jake stepped up and was preparing to make another dimensional warp hole but was pushed back from the newcomer.

**I can see that you're pushing yourself to your absolute limits but if you go on like this, you're going to die. I'll handle this.**

Frank flared his Ki and his aura to life as he cupped both hands together and started to cite his all-time favorite move, created by his first sensei, Master Roshi.

**Super KA…ME…HA…ME…** Frank was charging his attack while staring down at juubi with full concentration.

Juubi released his attack, the tailed beast ball and launched it towards Frank. As the giant ball of energy came closer and closer, Frank waited until the last minute and released his own attack at the purple ball of neutral energy. (Note that the tailed beast ball is made from both negative and positive chakra, I know, it sounds pretty weird)

**HA! **The ball of energy made by juubi started to crack as Frank's super Kamehameha wave was starting to pierce right through until the ball was shattered entirely. The energy wave then came in contact to juubi pushing him 50 meters away from the town completely knocking it out.

This time it was Frank's turn to catch his breath but it seemed the fight was over.

**Who are you?** Frank turned around to see it was the man that saved his life…sort of. I mean Frank would have survived the blast but it might have turned the tides of battle towards juubi's favor.

Frank then calmed down to his normal state and greeted the Yondaime warrior emperor with friendly banter as well as introducing himself.

**My name is Son ****Frank**. I originally came for noodles and then suddenly that monster attacked and I had to debate whether to help you or not considering this isn't really my town and all but choose to fight the monster anyway soooooooooo, how's it going?**** Frank said all in one breathe.

Jake couldn't help but laugh at Frank's personality as it reminded him of his own wife. One who acts childish but within that childish like mind lays an infinite amount of strength and will power.

**My name is ****Jake geo Mallque**, this town's secret leader and protector but it seems that you were doing my job for me. You have my deepest gratitude.****

Frank gave Jake the family Son grin look feeling a bit sheepish as he's not used to being praised.

**No problem. Let's just say … you owe me one.**

There was a loud screeching growl come from the forest outside of the gate.

**Man, he just doesn't learn to give up does he. **As Frank was just about to go to stage three of his transformation to end it quickly, he was stopped by Minato as he raised his hand.

Minato was stuck in finding a way to stop juubi. He had to admit that Frank is powerful but you can't stop something that just can't die. The only way to kill a Bijuu is to seal him within someone and kill the host but even that can't keep a Bijuu down as it would come back a century later and even if Frank managed to KO juubi then what? … There was only one option he had in mind in order to end all this. He looked at Frank as he looked like he was about to transform again but Jake knows that with every transformation, comes exertion of energy from transforming as that is the law of the celestial gates assuming that his transformations and the celestial gates are similar. Jake stopped Frank before he wasted precious energy that they might need later.

**Stop. I think I have an idea in stopping this once and for all. If you would ****Frank**, take me to where juubi is. ****_Forgive me Sayo… Victoria…. _Frank nodded and placed a hand in Jake's shoulder while placing two fingers with his other hand.

**Get ready Jake. And **just like that, they vanished from the eyes of the spectators.

Frank and Jake arrived in front of juubi only to see it in … chains?

**Sayo! What are you doing here? You should be in bed with Victoria. How did you even get here before us?** Jake said in panic.

**In order, I'm here because juubi's my problem and responsibility as I am its previous host, Victoria is here with me and I feel fine enough to walk around. How I got here before you, I used one of your kunai and teleported here. The screeching you heard is from me chaining him up. **Sayo said simply with a proud smile on her face.

**Since … when did you learn Flying Raijin Jutsu? **Jake said in a dumbfounded expression.

**My little secret.** She said in a sing song voice but she started to cough and clutch her stomach. Jake immediately came to her side.

**You really shouldn't push yourself.** Jake said while placing his cloak on her for warmth.

**Where's Victoria? **Minato asked. Sayo pointed to a tree and he picked up a baby basket that laid a sleeping black baby girl.

Frank couldn't help but smile looking at the small little thing as it reminded him of his own two sons. A sudden frown appeared on Frank's face and he quickly turned away so no one could see him.

**Jake what are you doing? **Sayo asked. Jake gave her a serious look as he placed little Victoria in the middle of the forest as familiar looking seals started to surround the basket.

sayo's eyes widened in horror and tried to stop jake.

**Jake STOP! Please don't do this to him, don't do this to our son. You can't do this to him or to yourself please. You'll die!** Sayo wailed in agony as she watched Jake about to summon the death god and use Shiki Fuujin.

**I don't have a choice.** Jake said remorsefully. Sayo tried to get up herself but couldn't find the energy to do it as she spent all her energy into chaining juubi. Frank watched with his eyes bulged from hearing that someone was about to die.

**Wait what's happening? What's Jake doing?** Frank asked in panic.

**Frank** please don't interfere on what I'm about to do next. This is for safety of the village as well as the well-being of my family. ****Jake said in a dead panned voice.

**It's not going to be family if Victoria doesn't grow up with a father! Please Jake don't do this. If you're going to seal it to someone, seal it in me. **Sayo begged. Jake shook his head.

**I don't think you'll be able to handle the stress have having been sealed again sayo. If I sealed it to you again, then we both might end up dead. **Minato said.

**Frank****! ****Frank**'s your name right? Stop him please. He's going to kill himself if he goes through with this. Stop him! ****Sayo screamed.

Frank didn't know what to do or who he should listen to but a loud feral growl interrupted everyone's thoughts and movements as juubi was about to reach for Victoria and impale him with its finger. Both Jake and sayo leapt forward in order to protect their son but someone managed to beat them to it. Frank was holding juubi's finger with both of his hands held tight.

**Oh no you don't.** Frank said with a disapproving look. Both parents sighed in relief for the safety of their son. It was then Frank spoke that interrupted there moment of peace.

**If you're going to seal someone with something, maybe you should let me do it. I know a sealing technique thanks to my sensei. It doesn't hurt the one being sealed nor does it hurt me in any way or at least it didn't hurt … anyway last time I did this it kind of had a side effect and I was only lucky my sensei Shenlong was there to undo it.** Frank said.

Both Jake and sayo looked at Frank with hope in their eyes.

**Unfortunately sensei isn't here right now nor will he ever be able to come here. I hope I can trust in you to take care of the situation once it's completed. **Frank said

Sayo and Jake nodded and promised Frank that whatever happens that they will take care of it. To Jake though, it seemed like he was saying goodbye, and it saddened him because he felt the he knew him even though they only knew each other for a short period of time.

Frank gave them the Son grin and started his technique.

The earth started to shake violently as Frank started to power up to his very limit. Both sayo and Jake watched in fascination as Frank kept on changing and changing to all these various transformations. They saw Frank with the longest, shiniest and most ridiculous hair piece that they have ever seen on anyone ever before. Sayo had to control herself from laughing as it was a serious situation. Frank then started to tense as his teeth suddenly became fangs and his muscles as well as his height started to grow at an alarming rate. With a bright yellow flash, no longer was Son Frank there, but something completely bizarre. Frank's hair was no longer blonde but crimson red. The hair style seemed like of his normal form. His eyes were no longer teal nor was it onyx, but red with a black center which also possesses a shadow trim around the eyes and over the eyelids. His body was covered in silver clolk and was wearing yellow khaki pants. (I'm guessing its khaki) In other words, it didn't look like Frank at all.

It was then Frank tensed again as many bulges started to appear in his chest. What came out were **nine****magatamas** with stars on them. Each **magatamas** had different number of stars on them with seven being the highest. Frank looked at juubi in the eyes and for some strange reason; juubi seemed to be …shaking, shaking in fear as the cold, merciless looking eyes lay upon him. A look that was even more terrifying then a demons stare. He gave Jake and sayo a final look and smiled at them in what he was about to do next.

**Here it goes! Nine Dragon Seal! **The magatamas on Frank 's chest started to glow in a red hue until the red light started to get brighter and brighter until it shined all over quahog. Once the red light was gone, so were Frank and juubi. Jake and sayo immediately checked their daughter and on Victoria's stomach had the kanji word for dragon on it. The mark soon disappeared into the little baby's skin and became a normal pale stomach. As Jake and sayo were about to leave, they heard something in the far corner of the bushes. When they went to check it out, they were shocked at what laid before them.

A sleeping baby dragon sucking on his thumb with a letter while hugging what seemed to be three sleeping baby emberos with one having red tail.


	2. Chapter 1

(Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or John and Tyler. Only the characters, Frank and Frank Jr.)

**Chapter 1: Death Has a Shadow**

There's a red book that says 'Franks' journal'; the book opens itself and shows a picture of a little boy wearing a red hat, sadly sitting on his bed.

_**Once upon a time there was a very sad little boy...**_

The book flips the next page showing another picture of the little boy with a happy family.

_**Who lived with a happy family who was very nice to him...?**_

The book flips the next page showing the picture of the little girl in school being bullied by a fat boy: hitting her, pulling pranks on her and putting her head in the toilet.

_**And in his school was much worse; a girl was being bullied by a violent fat boy who enjoyed torturing girls like her...**_

The book flips the next page showing the picture of the fat boy being beat up by the boy and arrested by the police and the little girl just looking at him.

_**One day: the boy slaying **__**fat boy**__**,**__** he was caught and sent to juvenile hall, where he can't hurt her anymore...**_

The book flips the next page showing the picture of the little girl and the little boy still sitting sadly on her bed.

_**She thought her life will be beautiful for now on. But she never expected the amazing things she would face through her next years...**_

Suddenly the narrator's hand ripped off the page and it revealed it was Frank reading a story.

"Yeah, right, like that would EVER happen" Frank said, closing the book.

"Yeah, what a load of crap" Frank Jr said.

"Okay, son, time to go to sleep" Frank said.

"Ah...it's already morning" Frank Jr said.

"Does that mean we stayed awake all night?" Frank asked.

"Don't worry, I know how to stay awake" Frank Jr said taking out a MC GRILLGIL and ate it "Also..." He took out two cans: a regular milo and Red Bull. He drank them at the same time.

***BURP***

"And I already had breakfast" Frank Jr said.

"That's my boy!" Frank praised.

And so Frank and Frank Jr started their routine while the song 'All Star' by Smash Mouth is playing: They prepared their bath in the bathroom. They heat the bath, but of course, it overheated the water to the point that they almost burned themselves in a comical way.

_Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming_

_Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running_

_Didn't make sense not to live for fun_

_Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb_

_So much to do so much to see_

_So what's wrong with taking the back streets?_

_You'll never know if you don't go_

_You'll never shine if you don't glow_

They brushed their teeth AND shave their beards, even though Frank Jr doesn't have a beard...or does he? After they got dressed, what do they do now? Sitting on and relax like two lazy guys.

_Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play_

_Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid_

_All that glitters is gold_

_Only shooting stars break the mold_

***Solo Whistling***

Unfortunately for them, every month a Child Protection Services agent come to do an inspection to know if Frank 's living conditions are appropriate for Frank jr. Otherwise they'll put Frank jr in an orphanage, something that they don't want that to happen. But of course, they both have a plan.

_Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play_

_Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid_

_All that glitters is gold_

_Only shooting stars break the mold_

When the song ended the agent arrived and Frank was waiting for him.

"Excuse me, are you Frank Mallque?" the agent asked.

"Hello, you must be from Child Protection Service, am I right?" Frank asked.

"Yes, I'm here to see if your living conditions are adequate for raising a child" the agent answered.

"I see... Frank Jr! Come in here!" Frank called as Frank Jr came out...with a paintball gun.

"We don't want unwanted visitors!" Frank said shooting at the agent.

"Wait-argh-stop it!" the agent begged, as he was covered with paint.

"Looks like green is your color" Frank said.

"This is unacceptable!" The agent said, furious.

"You mean like THIS?!" Frank asked pulling a rope and a bucket of dog food covered the agent.

"What's all this?" the agent asked.

"Just our dog's food" Frank answered "Brain!"

Brain and stewie in a werewolf costume (wearing his pants) came out and started barking at the agent. The agent just screamed and ran away. Frank and Frank Jr just laughed off their asses after getting rid of another agent.

"That was awesome!" Frank Jr cheered.

"Totally, nobody messes with the Mallque/Griffins!" Frank said.

"You're the coolest dad I ever had" Frank Jr said as they both gave each other a high five.

**Hey that's me frank, you're wondering why I scared the Child** **Protection Services agent, then I should start at the beginning, in this flashback" I was five years old and I had no friends**

**Flashback's starts**

We see a very shy child Frank (he wears the same current clothes, but he had shorts instead of pants and a regular t-shirt) behind a tree until somebody appeared from the tree: it was a little girl; but her hair is a neat, she has Big Glass and a tooth showing out from her mouth (A/E: She's basically based on Ellie from Up); she's wearing a pink and blue shirt, denim overalls and black shoes.

"HI!" the little girl greeted with a sweet accent.

"AH!" kid Frank screamed.

"Hey, don't be shy, I don't bite" the little girl said "I'm meg, and you?"

"Frank Mallque" kid Frank answered.

"Nice to meet you, Frank "kid Meg replied "So, is this your first day of school?"

"Uh..."

"Pretty hard, isn't it?" Kid Meg asked "Well, don't worry, I'll be your first friend"

"So...what were you doing in that tree?" kid Frank asked.

"You mean my Fun Tree" kid Meg answered.

"Fun tree?" kid Frank asked.

"The tree where I can play during recess and after school" Kid meg explained "I'm an adventurer!"

"An adventurer?" Kid Frank asked.

"Someone who loves adventures" Kid Meg answered as she climbed the tree "Come up!"

She threw a rope down to Frank and he climbed up.

"So...what's the deal?" kid Meg answered showing a cocoon "I've been waiting the whole summer for this..."

The cocoon began breaking up and a butterfly has arisen.

"Wow...is that?" kid Frank asked.

"One of the most amazing discoveries we ever did!" kid Meg answered cheerful.

"Wait...did you say 'we'?" kid Frank asked.

"You're now part of the 'Super Adventure Club'!" kid Meg cheered "Now repeat this after me: "'The fun and joy will never stop, until one of us gives them up"

"The fun and joy will never stop, until one of us gives them up" Frank

"Excellent, we're goanna be the best friends ever!" Meg said.

**Flashback's end**

"It was all fun..."We had a lot adventures together...until I have to move out with my family"

"Why did I leave then?"

Because my dad was being hunted by a mysteries organization, I and my brother had to move in japan with adoptive parents, son goku and son chichi. But I couldn't stop thinking about Meg while I was doing school in japan. So I made a promise that I would tell Meg how I feel about her.

After a few years I return to quahog to find Meg Griffin and end up getting her and getting her pregnant. Now I have a family that _dysfunctional that I have to fix and tolerate. I'll explain the rest of my family in a later chapter, but let's start in the afternoon,_

"It was an ordinary day in Quahog, Rhode Island. The Griffins were watching an episode of _The Brady Bunch_. On left to right were the family on the light purple couch; eldest son Chris Griffin, family dog Brian, who was sitting on the floor, father Peter Griffin, who was holding his grandson Frank G Mallque Jr, mother Lois Griffin, who was holding the youngest son Stewie Griffin in her arms, and finally eldest child and daughters Meg Griffin with her husband Frank G Mallque and her twin sister Persephone, who were lying on their stomachs.

"Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket." Jan told her parents.

"Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?" Mike asked, looking at Greg.

"No, dad." Greg answered.

Mike then turned to his wife. "Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that." He then turned back to Greg. "Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snake pit." As he said that, he pushed a button next to him that revealed a trapdoor on the floor between Greg and Jan, where hissing noises were coming out of it. "Maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done." Mike then finished.

"Aw, man!" Greg whined. He then leaped into the snake pit.

"That'll teach him." Jan smugly said in victory.

Mike was now walking over to a metallic door in the same room. "And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire..." He then pressed another button on the wall which opened the metallic door, revealing a room filled with flames. Mike soon finished his sentence "...for tattling on your brother."

"Ugh! Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong?" Lois said, turning her head to Peter.

"Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood." Peter replied.

"The Brady's?" Frank Jr questioned.

"Oh, hell, yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. Ugh, you name it." Frank continued explained.

Suddenly, a black woman pops up from the window holding a stack of pancakes and said. "You folks want some pancakes?"

"No, thank you." Peter told her and then turned to the audience. "See, that's the worst we got is, uh, Jemima's Witnesses."

Later, it was nighttime. Everyone was then at the kitchen table. Well, except for Peter, who wasn't there? There, Lois was busy getting dinner ready, Chris was doing homework and writing notes, Meg was reading a magazine, frank was writing in his journal, frank jr was drawing his own comic book and finally, the baby Stewie was on a high chair, appearing to be adjusting to what appeared to be a ray gun.

"Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?" Meg asked her mother.

Lois then answered her. "Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image."

**Cutaway #1**

In a gym called "Das Gym," a wimpy Hitler is trying pathetically to lift two small weights. He then hears laughter coming from his left and turns to see a physically fit Jewish man with woman around him. Hitler soon growls in envy.

**End**

Frank also answer. "Yeah I didn't married an ugly girl but one of the most beautiful girl in quahog."

"Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion!" Stewie exclaimed, satisfied with his success.

Lois then took away the rifle he was working on and told him "Stewie, I said no toys at the table." Then Lois spilled juice on Frank Jr's comic.

"Damn you, vile woman/grandma!" Stewie and Frank Jr yelled at their mother/grandmother infuriated. Stewie continued yelling "You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb."

Lois wanted to comfort her babies. "Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were both born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking babies he'd ever seen."

"Yeah, I remember when he was born." Meg said talking about her son's arrival last year, "He was the only baby in the hospital out of all of them born who came out smiling."

"But, of course. That was our victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from our own cursed ovarian bastille and bring peace to this horrible world!" Stewie explained to his mother and sister, then ordered Lois. "Return the device, woman!"

"No toys, Stewie." Lois told Stewie. She put the device in a cabinet.

"Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your prance will come!" Stewie threatened her, narrowing his eyes menacingly at her.

"Kids, I just don't know if I like the idea of your father and son in law going to a stag party tonight." Lois told her kids about their father's plans.

"Relax, mom. It's just a bunch of guys sitting around with a black marker and a checklist of the Ten Commandments." Persephone affirmed her mom.

"Heehaw! Thou shall get drunk. Yeah!" Chris chuckled in humor.

"Mom, can I turn the heat up?" Meg then asked.

"Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father and husband gets upset." Lois said

"Come on. This thing goes up to 90." Meg replied. She barely turned the dial when Peter and Frank soon busted the door open into the room.

"Who touched the thermostat?" Peter and Frank said.

"God, how does they always know?" Meg questioned.

"Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messing' with the dial." Frank told his wife.

Right after he said that, a man immediately came in and said "Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?"

"Yeah, it's alright." Peter said to the man.

"Hey, is my kid over here?" Said a black man who then entered the scene.

"Forget it! False alarm!" The first man said. Then another possible father came up from behind the other two dads.

"Whoa, ass ahoy." Brian said whilst entering the room, then asked "Hey, Peter, its 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?"

"They're going to a stag party." Lois answered to Brian's question with her arms crossed.

Peter then tried to convince her about letting him go. "Now, Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house and as the man, I order you to give me and frank permission to go to this party." Peter demanded.

"Look, at least promise me you won't let frank or you drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble." Lois said to Peter, hoping he would take it seriously.

"Come on, you're worrying about nothing." Frank told her, trying to get her to relax, "Besides. Alcohol doesn't affect me."

"Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?" Lois asked Frank, reminding him that this sort of thing had happened before.

**Cutaway #2**

At a church, a pastor was giving a sermon to everyone. "And so The Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body." The pastor said.

"Oh dear, I always feel guilty about this story" God said, who was in one of the pews there.

The pastor continued his sermon. "Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity." While the pastor was talking, Frank was taking a rather big sip from the Communion cup he was allowed to drink, then he coughed.

"Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?" Frank asked the pastor, now intoxicated.

The pastor answered "Yes."

"Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?" Frank drunkenly remarked.

**End**

Lois continued her point. "And then there was that time at the ice cream store."

**Cutaway #3**

The Griffins/Mallques were inside an ice cream parlor, each family member, except Lois, who was holding Stewie, and Brian having their own scoop of ice cream.

"Aw, Butter Rum's my favorite." frank exclaimed at his ice cream. As he takes a single lick, he passes out on a nearby table.

**End**

Brian emerges from underneath the table and furthers Lois's example. "And remember peter had an Irish coffee the day we went to see _Philadelphia_?"

**Cutaway #4**

The Griffins/Mallques were at a theater crying like the other moviegoers, whilst Peter seemingly observing something about the movie they were watching. He then realizes the subject as he claps his hands together and says "I got it. That's the guy from _Big_. Tom Hanks, that's it." Meg and Lois turned their heads towards Peter in slight annoyance. "Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch." Peter continued.

Then on the screen, it showed the said actor saying "I have AIDS." Frank then busted out laughter at what he said, believing it to be a joke. His wife, Meg, however, gave him a very mad look on her face.

**End**

"Promise me, you two." Lois said in irritation, hoping he would.

"Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is goanna touch these lips tonight." Peter proclaimed, giving a Lois a slight smile of satisfaction.

It then cuts to the stag party. Immediately, a man with the red Hawaiian shirt said "Hey! Who wants to play 'Drink the Beer'?" The man was named Quagmire.

"Right here." Peter said. The chugged the beer.

"Heh, you win." Quagmire said.

"Alright. What do he win?" Frank asked.

"Another beer!" Quagmire said, handing a beer to Peter.

"Oh, he's going for the high score!" Frank excitedly claimed.

"Well, actually, Charlie's got the high score." Quagmire said pointing to a man supposedly Charlie urinating in a grandfather clock. "Hey, man. Your clock won't flush." said Charlie.

Soon then, Frank began to feel guilty about breaking his Lois, which he then told the guys. "You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my mom I wouldn't drink."

"Aw, don't feel bad, frank." Quagmire told frank.

"Huh, gee. I never really thought of it like that."

"Hey! Did you bring the porno?" A man to Peter's right said.

"Did I bring the porno, eh?" Peter replied, holding up a video cassette entitled _Assablanca_ on the front. "You're gonna love it. It's a classic."

They guys were watching the movie on a couch. The movie they were watching was an erotic version of the classic film _Casablanca_.

"Listen, Elsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not today. But soon, and for the rest of your life." The man in a trench coat said to Elsa.

"Oh, come on, Elsa! Get on!" Peter told the fictional character, desperate to see some action.

Back in the movie, Elsa then took off her robe, revealing herself in her underwear. Just as she was about to remove her bra, static cuts the scene to a picture of the Statue of Liberty. "The statue was originally a gift from France." said the announcer, as it was a documentary.

"What is this?" Charlie demanded.

"Aw, man. My brother must've taped over this for history class." Frank replied in realization.

Almost all the guys there groaned in disappointment. "Aw, the Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?" One of them asked.

"Boys, boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot." Peter suggested.

"Eh, that's just crazy enough to work." Quagmire agreed with.

Soon, they were all busy slurping and consuming much alcohol in order to satisfy their specific needs. Suddenly, a blue, mysterious glowing light came from outside, but the guys were too on their own plan to even notice.

Then morning arose and everyone was having breakfast. The catch, however, was that they were having their breakfast on top of a hangover Peter, who was already awake.

"Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father." Lois told her kids. "Thanks, son." Peter thanked Chris as the boy lifted his elbows.

"Bacon's great, mom." Meg said to Lois, "Where's the juice?"

"Over by the crotch." Frank informed her.

"37 beers. Well, you're setting a great example for the kids, Peter." Lois said to her husband.

"Yeah, a new family record. Way to raise the bar, dad." Chris said.

"Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that." Frank Jr told Chris.

"Now, guys, Pops only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off." frank abruptly said.

"Peter, what did you promise me last night?" Lois tested Peter to remind him of what she said before.

"I wouldn't drink at the stag party." frank replied.

Lois then gave Peter another question about last night. "And what did you do?"

"Drank at the stag pa... Oh, ho, ho, ho, I almost walked right into that one." Peter chuckled, but then had his hands on his head. "Oh, God! It feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head." Peter complained in headache. The scene then zooms inside Peter's head to show two accountants in desks doing exactly what Peter said about them.

The accountant on the left asked the right accountant "Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls?"

The right accountant, on the other hand, brushed off the question and told his workmate "Say now, that's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work."

The other accountant then agreed "Okay," is all he said after that. Then he and his partner went back to work.

Back outside of Peter's head, Lois then said "You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Ughh." She was cut off by the snap of one of her chair's legs and ended up on the floor.

"Mom, are you all right?" Meg asked.

Lois got back up, assuring everyone she was okay. "My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck." Lois said after surveying the chair leg.

"Damn!" Stewie bitterly replied after Lois said that, indicating he was the one to have caused it.

"Look, honey, we took a cab home, we let the hobos outside sleep on the porch, and we slept on the table so we wouldn't..." Peter informed Lois before she cut him off.

"Wait a minute, Peter." Lois stopped Peter, "What did you mean by 'the hobos outside?'"

"Oh, that. Well, you see, these two homeless guys were on the front porch when we got home. They were already out by the time we noticed them. So I decided to just let them crash there for the night." Peter told her.

Lois went to the front door to see if Peter was right and after looking both sides, she looked down and found two young men lying unconscious on the front porch, just as Peter said. They appeared to have been pummeled a lot, as one of them had a huge bruise on his. "Oh, my God!" was all Lois could say at her discovery. Then she got the kids in the living room. "Kids, help me bring them inside. They need our help." Lois and Chris lifted up a boy with brown hair who was wearing a long-sleeve, red shirt, blue pants and dark-gray shoes. They placed him on the couch to make him comfortable and to help him recover quicker. They then brought in the other teen who had glasses, tan-blonde hair, was wearing a cyan shirt, grey shorts and sneakers. They instead laid him on a blanket spreader on the floor.

"Are they dead?" Chris was curious.

"They're not dead, you idiot. They're still breathing." Persephone told her low-grade brother.

"Oh, yeah? Well, prove it." Chris dared her.

Persephone then held on Boy #2's nose to show Chris. When the boy begins to move, she lets go and proves to him right.

"Chris, go and tell your father. I'm going to need him to

"Alright, Persephone, I'm going to need you to watch them while I'm gone. Okay?" Lois informed Meg.

"Yes. ma'am." Persephone said.

Lois went to find where the first-aid kit was. The boy then started to gain a bit of consciousness back, but Persephone didn't hear nor notice him, as she looked at Tyler first, wondering where he and the other boy came from. The kid groaned and thought "Oww, what happened? Where am I?" He couldn't feel his eyes open and decided to move his hand a bit to hand to the left, but soon Persephone felt something touching her rear, which the felt the same. He managed to get his eyes opened and found his hand on what looked like a butt, which made him look up to find a girl looking down from behind. It was silent for a moment or two, then finally they both screamed at the same time, which then woke up the other boy on the ground. Lois, Meg, Frank Jr and Chris rushed back into the living room to see what happened.

"You pervert!" Persephone shouted at the boy on the couch.

"Persephone. Are you okay? What happened?" Meg asked Persephone.

"He touched my butt!" Persephone pointed to the boy on the couch, who was now conscience.

"What?!" Lois exclaimed.

Chris laughs at the situation. "Looks like Persephone's got new boyfriend." Chris then said.

"Is this true?" Lois asked the boy who "touched" her.

"No, her butt was right in front of my face." The boy claimed.

Suddenly, the boy on the floor was just getting up. He then took a big yawn and then stretched. "Morning'." The boy said now waking up, "Wait, afternoon? Or was it evening?"

"It's morning." Lois told him.

"Oh..." Boy #2 replied.

"Can we get back to me, please? I got sexually harassed by some boy on a couch." Persephone said.

"For the last time, I..." Boy #1 said.

"That's enough, you two!" Lois broke in, attempting to end their arguing.

"But he..." Persephone said. "But she..." The boy on the couch said.

"No 'buts'. Now, Persephone, I don't want you to be rude to our new guests. They were on our front door and they need all our help and during then, I like for you to maybe get to know this boy a little more. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding." Lois told Persephone.

"But I..." Persephone said before Lois gave a stern look at her, causing her to change her mind. "Okay, fine, mom."

"That's better." Lois said. She turned her direction to the boy now. "And young man, I suggest you and your friend do the same."

"Alright." Boy #1 said.

"Yes, ma'am." Boy #2 said.

"Thank you... Oh, I'm sorry. I don't even know your names." Lois said realizing she didn't know their names first.

"Our names... Uhh... I think mine is..." Boy #1, "That's weird. I can't remember what my name is."

"Yeah. Me, too. Or anything else, for that matter." Boy #2 also said.

"How come they can't remember, grandma?" Frank Jr asked.

"I think they might have amnesia." Lois claimed.

"Who's amnesia?" Boy #2

"Not who, what. It's a condition where you cannot remember who you were." Lois said, "I know. How about you two stay here with us until you get your memories back. How does that sound?"

"That's mighty kind of you, Mrs..." Boy #2 said upon realizing something important, "Uh, I'm sorry. My friend and I don't know your names."

"Oh, I'm sorry. My name is Lois Griffin, but you two will call me 'Mrs. Griffin,' okay?" Lois told the boys. "Let me introduce you boys to everyone."

"I can see one of you've met my daughters, Meg and Persephone, whose ass you grabbed." Lois told Boy #1.

"Wha- No! I didn't know it was her, "rear" that I touched. Besides, I had my eyes closed. I couldn't see where my hand was." Boy #1 quickly replied. "Sure you were." Lois said sarcastically. "I DIDN'T!" Boy #1 shouted.

Boy #2 pointed to Chris. "That's my son, Chris. And this here is little baby Stewie and my cute grandson Frank Jr." Lois told the boys. "Say hi to the nice people, Stewie." Lois said affectionately to her baby.

"Hey, Lois, are you and the kids done with breakfast, 'cause, uh, I like to get off now." Peter said from in the kitchen.

"Yeah he is starting to smell" frank said walking in the room

"Oh, and that would be my husband, Peter and my son in law Frank." Lois said still aggravated with him.

Everyone, including the new guests, then went to the kitchen where Peter was still lying on the table with breakfast on him.

"Peter, Frank, are these the 'hobos' you were telling me about?" Lois asked Frank and Peter.

"Yeah, that's them. Nice to meet ya, I'm Peter Griffin. You can call me Peter." Peter then talked to the boys, "What are your names?"

"Uh, Peter, they don't really know much about their names because they've got amnesia." Frank informed Peter.

"Amnesia? Wait. It is contagious, is it?" Peter questioned Lois.

"No, Peter." Lois answered.

"Whew, thank God." Peter relieved.

"Anyway, Peter, I was hoping maybe we could have them stay here until they recover. I don't think they have anywhere else and I feel we should help them. So, what do you say? Can they stay?" Lois asked Peter about the decision.

"Well... I-I guess... Anyway, Lois, I was just letting you know that I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happen." Peter reminded Lois of earlier. "And I slept on the couch so I wouldn't wake anybody up". Frank explained to Lois.

"Well, I... I guess you're right." Lois accepted their apology.

"Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table." Peter said. He then passed out rolling off the table along with the family's breakfast.

Peter went to his workplace, the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory. Peter's boss, Mr. Weed was checking up on his workers' progress. "How are you coming, Johnson?" Mr. Weed asked Johnson. The worker then replied "Well, Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line and as you can see, they look great." He was holding a prototype of his toy, an army soldier meant to resemble a stereotypical Jewish man, which said "You call these bagels?" "Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!" The worker replied to the toy's statement.

The boys from back at the house came with frank and Peter to work, who was asleep behind a conveyor belt that had different types of toys going by on it. "Peter!" said Mr. Weed waking up Peter, who stuttered "What?" Mr. Weed was very upset "Are you sleeping on the job?" Frank tried to convince him "Uh, no. There's, uhh, a bug in his eye and he's trying' to suffocate him."

Mr. Weed then went easy on Peter "Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to children. Now, look sharp!" "Uh, yes, sir!" Peter replied quickly. As Mr. Weed left, Peter went right back to sleep, where after one row of what innocent playthings were soon became a mini gallery of lethal weapons, such as a knife, a power socket, a tank of gasoline and etc. Boys and frank then attempted to wake Peter up but to prevail.

The next day, the news came on. "And now back to _Action News 5_. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack." said the woman in the red anchor uniform. "Quite a situation we've got here, Tom." she soon told her partner. "Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane." Tom said to Diane, the red-clothed newswoman. "It seems the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy, Co. of Quahog, Rhode Island has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market." They then showed footage of some children whose parents purchased the "new" toys. "Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!" a kid at home plate said, ready to swing, though instead of a Silly Ball, the kid at pitcher threw an axe which stuck to the boy's bat. "Oh, boy! A Pound Puppy!" said another boy who was shaking open a _Pound Puppies_ box, only to find medicine to come out. Then, lastly, it showed a girl playing with a Baby Heimlich doll. "Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out." The baby then spat up fire.

Mr. Weed, watching the news in his office, ashamed and outraged, turned off the TV and turned to Peter. "Peter, I am appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation." "You're fired!" Mr. Weed then shouted. "Aw, jeez. For how long?" Peter stupidly asked his now former boss.

Back home before dinner was ready, Peter told his kids and the boys staying with them the news of what happened.

"Oh, my God! You got fired?" Meg said after hearing her father.

"Way to go, dad! Fight the machine!" Chris rooted for his father. "How do you know about the machine?" Stewie questioned Chris. "He didn't" Boy #2 told him. "Oh, well, never mind, then." Stewie replied back.

"Boy, now I feel back about giving' Chris his first one

Frank tried to calm them down. "Now, don't worry, kids. Your father's still gonna put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get competitive." Peter informed them.

Meg got up from her chair, "Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!" Meg said as she sat back down with her hands on her face.

"Hey, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?" Brian suggested to Peter, which frank soon asked, "hey?"

"Okay, who's hungry?" Lois said affirming that dinner was ready.

"Whoa!" Boy #2 said.

Peter put his hands to his head, trying to come up with a solution to the situation, "Aw, jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me!"

Boy #2 then decided to give Peter some help, "Why not just tell her the tr..."

Before Boy #2 gave him his solution, Peter's devil conscience appeared over his right shoulder. "Lie to her. It's okay to lie to woman. They're not people like us." The Peter devil said.

"Uh, I don't know." Peter said in hesitation. He looked to his left shoulder and waited a second, then asked, "Hey, where's the other guy?"

**Cutaway #5**

Peter's angel conscience was stuck in traffic with Frank's angle conscience. "Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work." The angel said. He then takes a sip of his coffee, which spills on his white robe. "Oh-ohhh-oh, this is perfect!"

**End**

Peter then informed his kids and the guests, "Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, 'I told you so' and 'Stop doing that. I'm asleep.' So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned." "The same goes for you two also." Peter also said to Boys #1 & 2.

"What's that, Peter?" Lois asked Peter about what he was saying as she walked in the room holding dinner.

"Uh-uh, nothing. Uh, oh, the lost-his-job smells great." Frank nervously said out. "What?" Lois questioned.

"Uh-uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?" Peter quickly changed the subject nervously.

"Peter, frank are you two feeling okay?" Lois was concerned. "Heheh, I feel great! We haven't got a job in the world." Frank replied.

"All right, then let's eat." Lois stated. "Now, I know you all hate eggplant, but..." She was cut off when a blue laser suddenly zoomed right in front of her, catching her and everyone else's attention. "What on earth was that?" Lois exclaimed. "It looked like some sort of laser..." frank Jr claimed. Everyone pointed towards Stewie, who was holding what appeared to be a sandwich with a gunpoint at the opposite of Stewie's face. "What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish... And nothing else." Stewie told everyone as the gunpoint then rolled into the sandwich. Boy #1 then gave Stewie a suspicious look, assuming there's more to this child than meets the eye.

The next day, Peter walks back to the house with Boys #1 & 2, frank and Brian waiting for him on the front porch.

"Hey, how's the job search going?" Brian asked Peter.

"Uh, it sucks, guys. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got off of that commercial." Peter told them.

**Cutaway #6**

Peter is auditioning to be Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs mascot, with little success.

"Try it again." The director said.

Peter gets it wrong. "I'm ca-ca for Cuckoo Puffs."

"No, damn it! Take 26." The director said aggravated at Peter's repeated mistake.

**End**

Frank continued about his father's job search. "And then HE had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restaurant."

**Cutaway #7**

At the restaurant Peter mentioned, a woman is going to sneeze at a salad bar, but Peter, who's in uniform, pulls out a gun and points it directly at her. "Take it outside, lady." Peter informed the woman.

**End**

Peter then ended the statement. "And I thought I could win some money in that talent show."

**Cutaway #8**

We are shown a scene from _The Sound of Music_, where an announcer is giving out the results.

"And the grand prize goes to the Von Trapp Family Singers!" The announcer revealed.

"Oh, that is bull..." The last part of his sentence was drowned out by a round of applause from the audience. A German man later comes in and tells Peter, "They're gone!"

"Aw, sweet!" Peter.

**End**

Boy #2 then spoke, "Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent, but why don't just tell Mrs. Griffin the truth."

"Yeah." Boy #1, "We're sure she'll understand."

"What? That I can't provide for my family? Tha-that she's always right? That I didn't really stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square?" Peter told Brian, also bringing up a time he did fail Lois at.

**Cutaway #9**

This takes place to the Tiananmen Square event back in 1989. The government tanks are rolling down the street, where Frank and Peter were next to the lone man who attempts to stop the tanks. After looking back and forth between the man and the tanks, Frank suddenly says, "Aw, screw this! We just came over here to buy some fireworks!" After admitting their intentions, both soon runs away.

**End**

"Peter, they're right. You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Sooner or later, she's gonna find out where you're really going every day." Brian said to Peter.

"Oh, yeah." Peter realized.

**Cutaway #10**

Lois is watching what sounds like a game show on the TV. Behind her is Peter disguising himself as a lamp?

**End**

Peter then realized that Brian and the Boys were right. Then said, "Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll tell her tonight."

As soon as he left, Boy #1 then decided to ask Frank one personal question. "Hey, Brian, uh... Can I and my friend talk to you for a minute?" Boy #1 finally asked.

"Sure. What do you want to ask me?" Frank replied.

"Well, it's kind of about the baby." Boy #1 said.

"Who? Stewie?" Frank asked.

"Yep." Boy #1 replied.

"Let me guess, you think he's precious, don't you?" Frank teased.

"No. More like deviously psycho." Boy #2 said.

"Oh..." Frank exclaimed, "So, you both see it besides me, eh?"

"You knew?!" Boys # 1 & 2 said in unison.

"Look, it's something you'll both won't understand until you see it." Frank told them.

"Yeah? Well me and 'him' are going to catch him in the act before it's too late. Tonight." Boy #1 said.

"Phhttt. Well, good luck with that." Frank sarcastically told them.

That night, the kitchen was dark and there was no sign of anyone nearby. Just then, Stewie in his PJs enters the room, doing a small flip jump. He then pulls out a grappling hook out from behind him and aims it to the cabinet by the backdoor. He fires the gun and then slowly retracts up to the cabinet. He then opens it and successfully retrieves his mind control device from inside. "Victory is mine!" Stewie triumphantly shouts.

"Gotcha!" Just then, Boys #1 & 2 jumps from different sides towards Stewie and tackle him, which breaks the rope that was holding him. The buys then try to hold down Stewie, but he keeps struggling to escape. Soon, the struggle has them roll under the table. Just then, Lois walks into the room while talking to Peter.

"Peter, I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn." Lois said to Peter. As they were talking, the boys' struggle with Stewie continues from underneath the table, though Lois and Peter didn't pay attention to nor could hear them.

"What, you're sending money on food again?" Peter asked Lois, "Geez, Lois, we just had dinner."

"Well, you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow." Lois sarcastically replied to Peter, "Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?"

"Well, I just, uh..." Peter stuttered and struggled, "Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but, uh..."

"What is it, Peter" Lois asked Peter.

Peter was having a hard time trying to tell her what he needed to say. Unfortunately, however. "You're getting kind of fat." Peter lied defeated.

"What?" Lois said a bit angered.

"I-It's just... It's not healthy. Heheheh..." Peter lied again.

"Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes?" Lois reminded to Peter.

"Gee... Man, I thought you people were supposed to be jolly." Peter said.

"Peter, what the hell's the matter with you?" Lois concernedly asked Peter, "Honey, if's there's something wrong, you can tell me."

Just after she said that, Peter's angel conscience finally arrives. "Hey, uh, sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss?" Peter's angel conscience asked him.

"Ah, thank God you're here. What do I do?" Peter asked his conscience.

Just as it was about to answer, a devil conscience for the angel conscience then appears.

"Tell him to keep lying." The smaller frank devil conscience told the angel, "He's in too deep."

"Uhh, I don't know." The angel was struggling to say. He then looks to his left, only to find no one there. "Hey, where's the other guy?"

**Cutaway #11**

Just like what happened with the angel conscience, the angel's frank angel conscience is, you guessed it, stuck in traffic.

"Ughh! This is unbelievable!" The smaller angel said.

**End**

Peter lets out a slight sigh, then says, "Lois, I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing' to worry about."

"Well, well, mother!" A familiar voice came out, "We meet again!"

Lois turns around to find Stewie pointing his ray gun directly toward Lois, though, she doesn't seem horrified.

"Mrs. Griffin, get out of here!" Boy #1 said coming out from underneath beaten up.

"Yeah! Stewie's psycho!" Boy #2 soon too came out, also heavily bruised.

"What are you boys doing down the-" Lois was saying to the boys as she turns her attention to Stewie, "Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago."

"Not tightly enough it would seem." Stewie told back to Lois, "And now, you contemptible harpy, and with those two imbeciles out of the way, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny."

"Oh, I see what's going on." Lois said.

"You do?" The boys underneath the table said.

"Yes, of course. You were both playing with Stewie." Lois said affectionately, "Well, isn't that sweet of you, boys."

"What?" Boys #1 & 2 exclaimed, shocked at what they've just heard.

"Oh, you can play with your new friends tomorrow, honey." Lois said to Stewie as she put the device back up in the cabinet, "Right now its bedtime."

"Oh! Blast you and your estrogenically treachery!" Stewie yelled as Lois was carrying him out of the kitchen. "And your inefficient henchmen, too!" He then said, referring to the boys.

"Heh, sweet dreams, kiddo." Peter said to Stewie.

"You have the power to end this!" Stewie pointed to Peter.

Just as Lois left with Stewie, frank and Brian walks in and he, Peter and the boys sat at the table.

"Hey, how'd she take it?" Brian asked Peter.

"He told her she was fat." Boy #2 replied for Peter.

"No. No." frank then told Peter as he tapped his newspaper on Peter's head.

"Look, I hate lying to Lois. It's just... I-It the best way to keep her from knowing the truth." Peter explained to them.

"Mr. Griffin, you have to hear about it before it's too late." Boy #1 reasoned.

"He's right, Peter, you don't have a choice. Your unemployment's gonna dry up soon and she'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house." Brian then followed.

"Yeah, Mr. Griffin, you really ought to think about your family's welfare, or something..." Boy #2 said.

"Jeez, guys! That's a great idea!" Peter exclaimed in dignity.

"No. That's not what I..." Boy #2 replied to Peter's statement.

"Hey, thanks a lot. Alright, I'm goin' to bed. Don't stay up too late, guys." Peter told them as he left the room.

"By the way, what happened?" Brian asked the boys.

"Uh, we were fighting Stewie." Boy #2 told Brian.

"You two knew what was going to happen, didn't you?" Boy #1 questioned Brian.

"Pretty much." Brian replied, "So, now do you understand why I don't act?"

"Yes." Both of them agreed.

"Good." frank told them as he went off for bed.

The next day, Peter and frank was at the welfare offices in hopes of them giving him money.

"Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?" The accountant asked Peter.

"Uhhh... Eh, o-oh! I-I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30." Peter proclaimed.

**Cutaway #12**

It shows a younger Peter and frank's father Jake in his early 30s possibly in the '70s, where they're reading the paper. Suddenly, he farts for the first time and they stops reading with a surprised look in peter face.

"What the hell was that?" Peter wondered.

**End**

Peter and frank excitedly returns home with their new welfare check. The boys, the kids (except Stewie) and Brian were there at the front porch.

"Guys, our money problems are over. We're officially on welfare!" Peter told everyone, "Come on, kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn."

"Uh, how much are we getting?" Brian then asked. "Yeah." Boy #2 replied.

"Uh, let's see. $150 a week." Peter exclaimed.

"Huh. Well, that's not too bad." Boy #1 said.

Persephone takes a closer look at the check. "Wait." She soon said, "That's a comma, not a decimal."

Frank lifts his thumbs to show how much it really was; $150,000.

"Uh-oh..." Boy #2 proclaimed.

"Whoops." Peter replied.

Back in the house, Lois was sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone.

"No, no, I haven't seen Peter nor the new house guests all afternoon." Lois said on the phone, "I was giving a piano lesson."

Suddenly, arrows hit the side of the chair Lois was sitting on, exactly a few feet away from her. She then notices Stewie behind where she was looking at.

"Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?" Lois told Stewie.

Stewie steps out from behind the table. "Why don't you burn in Hell?" The toddler yelled back.

"Well, no dessert for you, buddy." Frank Jr said to Stewie's statement.

Somewhere else in the neighborhood, Peter and frank was curiously acknowledging how much money the government gave him, whilst Brian was urinating on a fire hydrant.

"Boy! Who would've thought getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government?" Peter excitedly said.

"This is why I don't vote." Brian scoffed.

"Heh. Hey, maybe somebody down there was drinking, too, huh?" frank assumed.

**Cutaway #13**

At a presidential hearing, a man in the crowd gives the President a question about his politics.

"Mr. President, why do you think the American public continues to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?" The man asked.

"Um, probably because you're so fat." Bill Clinton trash talked back at the man as he was clearly intoxicated from the martini he was drinking.

**End**

"Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission." Brian told Peter, "That check is obviously an oversight."

"Well, not necessarily." Peter suggested, "Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer."

"What, you're gonna spend a $150,000 a week?" frank questioned Peter.

"Um. Yeah." Peter said a bit nervous.

"On what?" Brian asked.

Back at the house, Peter was just showing everyone his first purchase with the welfare money.

"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed in surprise, "Peter, you bought the Statue of David?" It was indeed the Statue of David.

"No, no, no, He just rented it." Frank informed Lois, "Yeah, they're gonna be ticked, though. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car." Peter then threw the broken off fragment into the distance. It crashes through a window in Mr. Weed's house, where, coincidentally, it lands right next to him sitting in his living room.

"I shall call you 'Eduardo.'" Mr. Weed said at his newfound companion.

Cuts back to the Griffins outside their house.

"Frank, how can we afford this?" Meg questioned Frank.

"You're not gonna believe it, mom! Dad's getting a-" Frank Jr said, almost blowing Peter and frank's plan.

"A-a big raise!" Peter quickly said before Frank Jr finished.

"Peter, that's wonderful!" Lois claimed in excitement.

"But, dad, I thought-" Chris almost blew it again.

"Th-the kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just to keep their big mouths shut." Peter interrupted again, this time bribing Chris, "Come on, you guys. I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had."

The Griffins are in their car, along with the boys, at a restaurant's drive-thru with Peter giving their orders.

"Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please." Peter said to the intercom.

"I beg your pardon?" The clerk through the intercom asked.

"Uh, 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas." Peter repeated.

"And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please." Brian said afterwards.

"And two sodas." Boys #1 & 2 followed in unison.

"And white cheeseburger." Frank Jr followed after

The next day, Peter has everyone gathered in the living room.

"Peter, what's the big surprise?" Lois asked Peter.

"Lois, you know how I always said you should be treated like a queen?" Peter questioned Lois, "Well, I you your own jester." After telling her, Peter claps his hands and summons Lois' "jester;" Jerry Seinfeld.

"Hey, guys. It's good to be here in New England." Jerry Seinfeld said as he walked out of the kitchen in a jester outfit, "And what's the deal with "New" England, anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new."

"Ha". Frank laugh.

The next thing Peter spend with his welfare money was at the Quahog Institute of Cosmetic Surgery, with its slogan, "Because you're no prize."

"Aw, this is great." Peter said, "I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of."

"Wonder what she's gonna look like?" Boy #1 asked.

Just then, Meg's cosmetic surgery is finished and she runs toward and hugs her father, thanking him for what he did for her.

"Thank you, daddy!" Meg giggled, then gave her father a big kiss on the cheek, leaving a kiss mark.

"I kind of liked her better before." Boy #2 said.

"You said man". Frank said

"I think he's right, Peter." Lois told Peter, "Lips are one thing, but did you have to buy breast implants for Frank Jr and Chris?"

"Eh, it makes him happy." Peter replied.

Chris walks by with the implants in his hands. "Hey, these are cool." Chris said "YEAH they are ". Frank said as they squishing them.

The next day, the boys were walking out of the house, only to find a stream of water upfront. They decide to ask Lois about it, who was busy gardening.

"When did we get a pool?" Boy #2 asked.

"Oh, it's a moat." Lois chuckled, "I know it's silly, but Mr. Griffin thinks the family needs extra protection now that we're, hehehe... Well, we're rich."

"Does it at least work?" Boy #1 asked.

"Well, it does keep the Black Knight at bay." Lois replied.

"Black Knight?" Boys #1 & 2 questioned. He and Boy #1 then turned to the right to see the Black Knight trying to get across.

"Oh..." Boy #1 said.

"I was wondering who that was." Boy #2 claimed.

After letting out a deep sigh, Boy #1 then said, "Okay, this has gone long enough."

"Yeah, we... We just can't take it anymore." Boy #2 followed.

"What are you both talking about?" Lois asked them, concerned, "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Look, we weren't supposed to show you this, but we just feel it should come out." Boy #2 said to Lois.

"This is Mr. Griffin's welfare check..." Boy #1 said as he handed her over an envelope.

"What the-" The last word in Lois' exclamation was drowned out when a foghorn suddenly went off. She then gives an angry glare to the right. The kids were waterskiing while Peter was driving the boat.

"Hiya, honey." Peter saluted to Lois, who only gave him the "look."

"What?" Peter asked.

In the living room, which was now decorated with fancy things, Peter was talking with Lois, who wasn't looking at him with her arms crossed. The boys, Frank, Meg and Brian were there with them.

"Lois, I know what I did was wrong, but I only did it for you and the kids." Peter told Lois, "Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was a gift for Frank Jr."

"Yeah, from the American taxpayers." Lois fumed, "I am so mad I can't see straight."

"Heh, no problem. We got the money to get that fixed..." Peter told Lois, "...with enough left for us to buy our way outta any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedys."

Lois only gave him a sign of rejection on her face.

"Hey, come on. These two were the ones who started it." Peter pointed at the boys.

"No, dad. They were doing the right thing by telling Mom." Meg defended.

"You know, I-I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter." Lois then said to Peter, "The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money!" Afterwards, Lois then stormed off with Meg followed to confers.

"Oh, boy! She's pretty pissed, huh?" frank asked to the group.

"Yeah, who'd thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?" Brian sarcastically questioned.

"What's the point of having a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at ya?" Peter asked the guys.

After finishing his sentence, Boy #1 was struck by what Peter said. "What was that you said, Mr. Griffin?" He soon asked.

"'What's the point of having a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at ya?'" Peter repeated what he just said to the boy a few seconds ago.

"Alright. Now go back a bit." Boy #1 told Peter.

"'If your wife's mad at ya?'" Peter repeated again.

"Okay, before that." Boy #1 said.

"Having a jukebox in the john-" Peter said.

"That's it! Now after 'having a jukebox.'" Boy #1 instructed.

"'In the john?'" Peter said lastly.

"Now after 'In the.'" Boy #1 finally ended.

"'John?'" Peter finally said what Boy #1 wanted to hear.

"John... John. Wait. I'm starting to remember now." Boy #1 replied.

"Well, what is it?" Peter asked him.

"That's my name... John." Boy #1 said trying to remember, "Yeah, that's it!"

"Oh, my God!" Peter proclaimed in surprise, "You're named after a toilet?!"

No! My name is John." Boy #1 said, or John, for that matter, "And I think you're name's Tyler!" He was pointing toward Boy #2.

"Tyler?" Boy #2 replied to "John's" statement, "Hey, yeah, it's starting to come back to me now."

"Then that must be it. Our names are 'John' and 'Tyler!'" John said triumphantly as he and "Tyler" just got up and were then standing on the coffee table.

"...Is that it?" Brian then asked.

"Yeah." John replied to Brian's question, his tone lowered as he and Tyler sat back down on the couch, "For now, that is..."

"Oh, good." Frank then said to John, "For a second there, I thought your name really was from a toilet."

"Anyway, Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers." Brian soon reminded Peter of the situation.

"Yeah, but I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it." Peter said, "I-I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about."

Frank was brainstorming for a few seconds and came up with a solution.

"We might have to leave Rhode Island for this one." Frank stated, implying it involves outside the state.

"Why?" Tyler asked.

It then shows a stadium hosting Super Bowl XXXIII.

"The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight!" Super Bowl XXXIII host John Maddison said, "Pat, I think it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football!"

"Uh, John, we're in commercial." Second Super Bowl XXXIII host Pat Summer all reminded his co-anchor.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just prepping up for when we're back on. And I'm just trying to make conversation." John Maddon told Pat Summer all, "Come on... Football!"

.Just then, a blimp reading "FORGIVE ME LOIS" is being flown above the stadium. In its deck was Peter piloting the blimp, Frank, John, Tyler and Brian?

"Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you are allowed to fly a blimp?" Frank asked Peter.

"Yeah, America's great, isn't it?" Peter then replied, "Except for the South."  
>Peter then pulled out a bag containing the rest of the welfare money. "Oh, boy, I hope Lois is watching'." Peter said, then started to throw money out of the bag he was holding, "Okay, taxpayers, here you go!"<p>

The dollar bills began to float swiftly to the stadium ground below, quickly grabbing everyone's attention.

"Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John." Pat Summer all said to John Maddon.

"Yeah." John Maddon replied, but soon realized, "Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!"

"I'm being told it's a man, his two sons and their dog throwing cash out of a blimp." Pat Summer all informed.

The bag was now empty. "Oh, man, I hope this works." Peter worriedly said, "Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping' these." He held up a spiked bomb which, like the blimp, read "FORGIVE ME LOIS."

"Mr. Griffin, don't drop that!" Tyler shouted.

"Why not?" Peter asked.

"Because that's a bomb!" Frank answered.

"Whoa, this is a bomb!? I-I thought they were just some weird firecrackers!" Peter confessed after realizing what it what.

Meanwhile on the ground below, the crowds were storming the field for the money. Each person hoping to grab enough they can carry. They were even starting to fight over it.

"The crowd is storming the field!" John Maddon exclaimed, "This is pandemonium!"

"Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?" John Maddon then asked his partner, but the latter didn't respond, "Pat?" He turned to find that Pat wasn't there, until the latter came back in after collecting himself some of the money on the field.

"Just once, John." Pat Summerall quickly replied, "The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old 'trying to make amends for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds' play."

"I don't care what it is!" John Maddon shouted, "That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football!"

"Madden to Fox security." John Maddon then said to the security guards below.

"Go ahead." One of the security guards said.

"Take them down!" John Maddon ordered.

"Yes, sir." The same security guard said.

He then takes out a gun hanging above a sign that read, "Just One Gun" and then fires only one shot. He tries to shoot more, but all that could be heard were clicking noises, implying that it only had one bullet.

"Really? That's it? Just one bullet?" The security guard holding the gun said.

"Huh, yeah. I thought there'd be more than that..." The security guard said.

"Well, I guess not." The latter then stated, "Hmm. Oh, well."

The quartet are then put in prison for the incident. Back in their cell, Brian was sitting on the lower bunk reading, while Tyler was sitting at the other end of the bunk and frank was laying on the floor, John was leaning beside the wall.

"Uh, how was your shower?" Brian asked Peter.

"Uh, I tell you, guys, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true." Peter confessed to the others.

"Really?" They all said in unison.

"Aw, yeah. You can't hold onto that thing to save your life." Peter explained revealing it was about soap instead, "Oh, it was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing."

"Hey. There's the guy who couldn't hold onto the soap." One of the prison inmates said.

"Oh, that was classic." Another inmate replied. They both left laughing.

"Oh, boy, I really let Lois down this time." Peter down-spirited, "You think she'll wait for me?"

"Oh, come on. If every woman dumped her husband just for crashing a blimp into the Super Bowl, no one would be married." Brian told Peter.

"Yeah, you're right." Peter agreed, "Okay, I got the top bunk."

"Race ya to it!" John challenged Peter.

"Heh, you're on!" Peter replied.

John manages to get there first, Peter jumps up on it and causing the top bunk to collapse on top of both Brian and Tyler. John is then crushed underneath Peter. While Frank just laugh.

Back at the Griffin house, the other members of the family are sitting at the kitchen table.

"Oh, my collagen is wearing off." Meg complained.

"Well, honey, sagging lips are just nature's way of telling you that you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie." Lois then said to Meg.

"What does it mean when Chris armpits cry stinky tears?" Frank Jr asked his mother.

"Oh, it means he's becoming a man." Lois answered Frank Jr, "But, hopefully, not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call. Like your father and grandfather who shall remain nameless."

"Hello, mother." Stewie emerged.

"Well, hi there, sweetie." Lois said affectionately to Stewie.

"You know, mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." Stewie speech told his mother, "Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!" Stewie opens the box to reveal newly active grenades instead of chocolate, making it clear he was threatening her.

Lois, however like before, still didn't seem surprised and just gave a smile.

"Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance." Stewie negotiated, "Return my mind-control device or be destroyed."

"Oho, you just want your toy back." Lois, again oblivious to what's really happening, assumed.

"Okay, here you go, honey." Lois said to Stewie as she placed his mind-control device on top of the box filled with the grenades.

"Yes, well... Victory is mine!" Stewie exclaimed in unexpected triumph. He then strolls away out of the kitchen. In the other room, the grenades then go off, unfortunately for Stewie. "AAHHH! DAMN YOU ALL!" Stewie yelled in pain.

The phone began to ring and Lois picked it up.

"Hello?" Lois answered, "Oh, my God!"

The family arrives at the courthouse where Peter is being put on trial for his welfare fraud. They sat down behind Peter, Frank, Brian, John and Tyler.

"Lois." Peter said, "Aw, man, am I glad to see you."

Lois was still mad at him. "I have nothing to say to you, Peter."

"Wha-He gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?" Frank asked.

"Peter, frank, you both lied to me, you betrayed my trust." Lois informed her husband, "Compare to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter."

"Really?" Peter questioned, "Aw, let's hope the judge feels that way."

Lois just scoffs at Peter's remark.

"This court will now come to order." The judge announced as he banged his gabble.

"Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd, uh, cash their mistake." Peter explained to the court, "Look, why are we making a federal case out of this?"

"Mr. Griffin." The judge asked Peter, "Don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment?"

"Well, uh, I-I was gonna call them, But, uh... My-my favorite episode of _Different Strokes_ was on." Peter answered, "You know, the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy who owns the bike shop?"

**Cutaway #14**

We go to a scene from the supposed episode of _Different Strokes_. Arnold and Dudley are in the bike shop, where the owner is slightly bent down right behind them.

"All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass." The owner told the boys, just as Peter assumed.

**End**

We go back to the courtroom.

"And everybody learns a valuable lesson." Peter ended.

"Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?" The judge questioned Peter.

"Aw, yeah. Stay the hell away from that bike shop." Peter chuckled to the judge, who gave him an unapproved look instead.

Peter realized that it was finally time to come clean. "Look, uh, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I-I just..." Peter admitted, "I don't know. I just saw the one chance I'd have to give my family the things they deserve."

"I guessed I screwed it all up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife." Peter continued in guilt, "And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey."

Everyone in the room was touched by Peter's confession, even the judge.

"Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all..." The judge said softly to Peter, but was soon interrupted.

"Wait!" John said from the table he, Tyler and Brian were sitting at, "It wasn't Mr. Griffin who did it."

"Then who did it?" The judge then asked John.

"It was... It was me." John confessed.

Everyone, including the Griffins, gasped in shock.

"He's right and it was me, too. It was our idea in the first place." Tyler then joined Frank, "But it wasn't on purpose."

"That's right." John soon said, "We were just wanting to help him out with what was going on."

"So, if you want to throw someone in prison, take us instead." Tyler willingly said, "We should be the ones on trial..."

"Is this true?" The judge asked.

Frank, John and Tyler both nodded.

"Alright, then." The judge accepted, "Because I'm sentencing you both to 24 months in prison." The judge then banged his gabble, confirming their punishment.

The Griffins, especially Peter, were stunned by the news.

"Oh, no!" Peter exclaimed in fear of what was happening, then was followed by Lois, followed by Brian, followed by Chris and then finally followed Meg. Just after they said that, the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall, screaming "Oh, yeah!" Everyone, however, only looked at him in surprise and confusion. The Kool-Aid Man realizes that he came at a bad time and stepped back out through the giant hole he had made in the wall.

"Hey, aren't you the Kool-Aid Man?" Frank Jr asked as the Kool-Aid Man was stepping out of the courthouse, "Never mind..."

"Excuse me. Y-your Honor?" Lois said to the judge.

"Yes?" The Judge replied.

"Look, these two may have been the one responsible for all this." Lois explained to the judge, "But they're amnesiac and don't really remember much about who they were. And I know they only wanted to help the people who helped take them in after they had nowhere else to go, especially if it meant convincing my husband and son in law to accept that check, who wanted to be a good husbands and fathers. But what they both need to know is that we've grown to love him. And that no matter what, I'll always stand by them now."

"Yeah, I kind of like them, too, honey." Peter said to Lois.

"Yeah, me too, mom." Frank also said to Lois

"Thanks, Mrs. Griffin." John also said to Lois.

"That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin." The judge said of Lois' speech, "Okay, you and your husband can go to jail with them!"

"What?!" Peter, Lois, John and Tyler all said in unison.

"24 months in prisons, eh? Unacceptable!" Frank Jr said to himself from in the row behind Lois, "Intolerable as it may be I'm completely dependent upon those people for lesson and living."

"Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against Stewie's device!" Frank Jr challenged as he pulled out his uncle new mind-control device and pointed it at the judge.

The judge notices Frank Jr and gazes at him as the device pulsates repeatedly for a few seconds until finally.

"Is that your boy?" The judge asked Frank about Frank Jr.

"What?" Frank said confused, "Oh, yeah. That's Frank Jr." Frank answered the judge.

"Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father, grandfather and brothers." The judge then thought, "It's un-judgmentally. Oh, hell, you three have learned your lessons, right?"

"Yeah." Peter, Frank, John and Tyler agreed.

"All right. You're both off the hook." The judge informed them.

"Aw, wow!" Frank exclaimed in excitement, "Can you give my pops job back?"

"No." The judge coldly replied.

Frank Jr pulls out the device at the judge again.

"Yes." The judge soon quickly said.

"All right!" Peter said satisfied.

John and Tyler then walked up to Frank Jr andStewie and were giving him each a big grin on their faces.

"What the deuce are you two looking at?" Stewie demanded to them.

"We know what you did, kid." Tyler said to Stewie.

"The devil are you talking about?" Stewie said.

"Come on." John said, "You did what you did because you're starting to like us, aren't you?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Stewie brushed them off as he walked off.

"He likes us." John said to Tyler.

"Yeah he does". Frank Jr said to John and Tyler

"I DO NOT!" Stewie shouted from the background.

The next day, everything was to the way it was before. The Griffins/Mallques were in the living room watching _TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes_.

"That was a crazy one, Dick." chuckled.

"It sure was." Dick said, "In this next blooper from _Joanie Loves Chachi_, watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: 'She sells seashells down by the seashore.'"

They then show a clip from _Joanie Loves Chachi_.

"What does your mom do for a living?" The woman said lying on the couch.

"Ah, she sells seashells down by..." Scott Baio almost said until a bear suddenly bursts through the wall, getting his attention.

We cut back to the Griffins/Mallques on the couch.

"Heh. That is kind of a tongue twister." Peter remarked at what he saw.

"Hey, Mrs. Griffin, thanks again for what you did for me and Tyler at the trial the other day." John told Lois, "So, you still think it's alright for me and Tyler to stay a little while longer?"

"Oh, you're welcome, John. And, of course, it is." Lois replied, "It's the least we can do for what you both did for us."

"It's also good to have you home, too, Frank, Peter."

"Ah, honey, I knew everything would turn out okay." Peter said to Lois, "And besides, I think I'm starting to like those two, too."

"I sure am gonna miss being rich." Persephone said glumly.

"Not me." Tyler replied, "Money does terrible things to people." Everybody agreed after Tyler said that.

Everyone then agreed with Tyler.

"Aw, don't worry." Peter consoled Meg and told everyone, "I got a way to get money."

"Not another welfare scam." Frank Jr said as he hoped Peter wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"No, no, no." Peter claimed, "Minority scholarship." Peter giggled as he put on a black afro wig with a headband.

Peter then winks at the audience as he gives a thumbs-up at his next misadventure. Everyone else disagreed, while Persephone gave an annoyed look.

"Okay, I mean, uh-uh-uh-uh, sexual harassment suite." Peter nervously giggled again as he put on a blonde wig and ripped his shirt open revealing his torso.

Again, everyone disagreed, but Frank Jr, on the other hand, now gave a disgusted look.

"Uh-uh-uh, disability claim." Peter proclaimed as he pulled out a bat and knocked himself out. Everyone then stares at a now unconscious Peter.

"I'm starting to like you guys." Tyler said to John.

"Me, too. Me, too." John said.

**The End**

**I hope you guys enjoy my first story. Please review and visit my deviantART page ****fmallque32561****. As I said before, I will add content originally added in the DVD versions, cut out for time and scrapped and sorta mix it all in there. But, still, I really hope this goes well. If you want to see more, give me your reply. Thank you.**


	3. Chapter 2: I Never Met the Dead Man

(Disclaimer: I not own Family guy, John and Tyler, only Frank and Frank Jr.)

**Chapter 2: I Never Met the Dead Man**

It was another peaceful day in Spooner Street. Inside the Griffins' house, Lois was just putting clean dishes back up in the cabinet and Meg was at the table reading a magazine. After she put away the last dish, Lois went to the window and saw what appeared to be Stewie playing outside.

"Oohhh, look at Stewie." Lois said as John entered the kitchen, "Isn't he adorable playing with his _Sesame Street_ phone?"

"Sure" John remarked.

"Yeah, let's go with that." Tyler followed.

Outside, Frank Jr playing with his game boy and Stewie was at his ambitions of world domination as usual. This time, he was attempting to use his _Sesame Street_ phone in hopes of getting into the Pentagon's system, but to little success.

"Put me through to the Pentagon." Stewie ordered.

"You know what sound a cow makes?" The toy phone played a recorded line of Ernie to Stewie.

"Don't toy with me, Ernie!" Stewie yelled, "I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? Well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach now, isn't it?"

"Can you count to three?" The toy phone played another recording.

"Ho-oh, indeed I can." Stewie challenged, then dropped the phone, then pulled out a Phazer from _Star Trek_ and blasted it, "One! Two! Three!"

Soon, the phone was in flames from the shots fired.

"Can he count to three?" Frank Jr teased, "For God's sake, He's already shooting at a fifth-grade level."

**Opening Credits**

(A/N: Just so y'all know, the opening theme will be featured here as well.)

_It seems today that ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

They then change to gold leotards

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that makes us_

_Laugh 'n Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam-_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

Back in the kitchen, Lois was trying to get Stewie and Frank Jr to finish his broccoli.

"Come on, Frank Jr." Lois instructed Frank Jr, "You two can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables."

"Well, then we shall sit here until one of us expires." Stewie smartmouthed, "And you've got a good 40 years on me, woman!"

"Sweetie, its broccoli." Lois sweettalked to Stewie, "It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane."

Lois pretended to be a plane hoping Stewie would open his mouth. Then Tyler suddenly appeared and started acting like a World War II veteran.

"Look out, Mrs. Griffin!" Tyler warned Lois, "Incoming enemy fighter pilots!"

"What?" Lois exclaimed.

Tyler then pulled out an MP40 machine gun and began firing at the broccoli.

"Tyler..." Lois tried to talk to Tyler.

"Must not forget objective!" Tyler shouted.

"Tyler!" Lois yelled.

"Fighters must be neutralized!" Tyler continued.

"TYLER!" Lois screamed.

The ammo in Tyler's gun finally ran out and Tyler's attention then turned to Lois.

"What?" Tyler asked Lois, "Why are you shouting?"

"Never mind." Lois calming down for a minute, then turned back to Stewie, "Alright, Frank Jr. Back to your broccoli."

"Never!" Stewie resisted, "Damn the broccoli! Damn you! Damn your henchman's nonsense! And damn the Wright Brothers!" He then stated as he knocked the fork off Lois' hand.

"My, aren't we fussy tonight." Lois remarked, "Okay, no broccoli." She picked the fork back up.

"Very well then. I..." Stewie said but was cut off by Lois shoving the broccoli in his and Frank Jr mouths. Frank Jr spat it out, "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"They're attacking from above!" Tyler came bursting back in. This time with an active grenade in his hand.

"Okay, Tyler, why don't watch TV with John and everyone else?" Lois suggested.

"Okay." Tyler answered quickly calmed down as he walked out of the kitchen. He, however, realizes he's still holding the grenade in his hand.

"Uh-oh." Tyler gulped.

Soon afterwards, an explosion came from the other room.

"Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it." Lois explained to Stewie and Frank Jr.

"Well, then." Stewie remarked at Lois' statement, "My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die." Frank Jr snared at the broccoli he had in his fork, but soon, Tyler comes right back in.

"I'll help, Lord Castro!" Tyler said to Stewie, dressed as a Cuban soldier.

"Get out!" Frank Jr ordered Tyler, "We've already had enough of your damn shenanigans for now!"

Tyler shrugged his head in disappointment and slowly walked out.

Lois walks into the living room, where the family is watching TV.

"Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?" Meg asked her mom.

"I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour." Lois told her, "Maybe your father can take you."

"Aw, sorry, Meg." Peter disappointedly said, "Daddy loves you. But daddy also loves _Star Trek_. And, in all fairness, _Star Trek_ was here first."

"You have an excuse for everything, Mr. Griffin." Tyler snickered.

"Plus, I'm helping John and Tyler fined shows they might remember." Frank then pointed out, "So far, we found _Lost in Space_, _Twilight Zone_ and, uhh, oh, and _Hogan's Heroes_."

"Tyler was the one who remembered them." John complained, "I hadn't found one."

"Hey, quiet. _Star Trek_'s back on." Peter shussed John.

On the TV was the S.S. Enterprise cruising through space.

"Captain's Log. Stardate 8169.7." Captain Kirk narrated.

Then goes to the control room.

"The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet... In the Gamma Faloppia star system." Captain Kirk announced as he then performed unnecessary poses while talking, "Mr. Sulu, ahead warp 9."

Kirk was then in a pose having his legs spread while having his arms wrapped under his knees. Just then, his pants rip, revealing the words, "Captain's Log" on his underwear.

Cuts back to the couch.

"For God's sake, Peter." Lois exclaimed, "You've been having' John and Tyler sitting' in front of the TV with you since you got home from work."

"Why don't you help them another way, and, maybe, spend some time with your family?" Lois said to Peter as she sat on the chair of the couch next to him.

"He had." John stated.

"By watching TV?" Lois questioned.

"Actually, I am getting kind of bored." Tyler then exclaimed.

"I will." Peter affirmed to Lois, "I'm-I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well, then-then maybe I'm missing' the point of watching' commercials." Lois sighed.

"Please, frank, dad?" Meg begged Frank and Peter, "My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything."

"Meg, you, uh, you might want to find a better teacher than Peter." Brian informed Meg.

"What are you talking' about?" Peter questioned, "I'm a great driver."

Brian scoffs and asks Peter, "Remember your trip to the Southwest?"

"What happened?" Tyler asked.

**Cutaway #1**

In a desert, the Road Runner was zooming down a road and then quickly halted at another one. He's then run over by Peter's car.

"Aw, jeez." Peter said worried, "Did I just hit that ostrich?"

In the passenger's side was the Coyote who held up a sign that said "No."

"Are you sure?" Peter asked.

The Coyote then turned the sign to the other side, which then read "Yeah, he's fine. Keep going'."

**End**

"Guys, don't believe what they're saying'." Peter assured to Meg, John and Tyler, "I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing."

"Really?" Frank, John and Tyler said in unison.

"We now return to _Star Trek_." The announcer on the TV said.

"Holy crap." Peter exclaimed, "Uhura's black?"

Just then after, Peter was teaching Meg how to drive.

"All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson." Peter told his daughter, "Now you always wanna be aware of other cars on the road. If you ever catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race."

After he said that, an Amish man riding a horse-pulled wagon stopped next to them. He gives Meg a friendly nod.

"Ah, this guy's asking for it." Peter said, mistaking the man of challenging Meg.

"But dad..." Meg said.

"I don't make the rules, honey." Peter affirmed Meg, "Now rev your engine twice."

"Okay." Meg replied. She did as Peter told her, then looked back and glared at the Amish man on the wagon, who accepted her "challenge."

"Go!" Peter instructed Meg as the light went green. And they went off. Not long, the wheel on the left of the wagon then screwed itself out, causing the man to lose control and jump off. The wagon then rolled off a nearby cliff and explodes upon impact with the ground. And for some reason, the horse that was pulling it also blew up.

"Well, you forgot to flip him off. But, uh, other than that, nice job." Peter informed to Meg, who soon smiled in relief.

Peter and Meg then return to the house through the patio door. Lois, Tyler and Brian were in the living room all reading.

"You're back already?" Lois said while she was reading.

"That was fast." Tyler exclaimed.

"Yes, that wasn't much of a lesson." Lois remarked.

"I didn't want to overload her on her first time out, you know." Peter stated, "Besides _CHiPS_ is about to start. So let's sit back and get lost in a world of California Highway Patrol fantasy."

On the show, Ponch was pulling over a beautiful, blonde woman in a red sportscar.

"What's the charge, officer?" The woman said.

"Driving without my phone number." Ponch told her as he took off his shades.

Just then, a truck with "Pure, uncut cocaine" written on the side and two people performing a drive-in shootout drive right past Ponch.

"Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful." Ponch flirted again to the woman and gave her a teeth-sparkling smile.

Meanwhile in Stewie's room, Stewie and Frank Jr was negotiating with a piece of broccoli on his table.

"So, broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you!" Frank Jr pointed to the vegetable, "The first rule of war is known thine enemy and I know this!" Stewie looked into a book about farming, then showed the broccoli, "Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple!"

"All we have to do is build a machine to control the global environment." Stewie explained his latest diabolical scheme, "Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!"

The next day, at the Rhode Island Department of Motor Vehicles, Peter, Frank, Meg and John were waiting in line, which wasn't that short.

"Aww, man!" John complained, "This is gonna take forever!"

"Yeah, John's right, Meg. Let's go." Frank said, "Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00."

"What's it called?" John asked.

"_Fast Animals, Slow Children_." Peter answered.

On the show, a tiger was charging at accerating speed. Then, it showed an overweight kid trying catch up to his friends.

"Come on, guys." The boy hollered, "Wait up."

The charging tiger was again shown.

Back to the boy, his lunchbox suddenly opens and spills his lunch, including honey which gets spreaded on his knees.

"Oh, dang." Th boy exclaimed, "I got honey all over my legs."

Back to the tiger, it seemed like it was starting to closer.

Cuts back to the DMV.

"Dad, we can't leave now." Meg said, "My entire life depends on getting my license."

"Why does it have to mean your entire life depends on it?" John questioned Meg.

"It means if I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell." Meg sulked.

Peter and John just look at her. "Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?" Peter asked Meg out of offense.

"I don't think that was the point, Mr. Griffin." John replied.

Meg was finally about to take her driving test.

"I'm so nervous." Meg admitted.

"Oh, you're gonna do great." Peter confidently told her, "Just remember everything I taught ya."

"Or just remember everything you just said a while ago. Hahahaha!" John smugly teased.

"Oh, go stick a fork in it, pervert." Frank talked back.

"QUIT CALLING ME THAT!" John shouted.

Meg then began her driving test, beginning at a red light.

"All right. Let's start by going down Main Street." The driving instructor instructed Meg.

"Okay." Meg nervously replied.

A police car then stops right next to them. Meg looks over to the officer and he nods friendly. Learning from her father, of course, Meg mistakes it for another race. She revves twice like before and as soon as the light becomes green, she floors it outta there. The policeman soon turns his siren on and gives chase

"What are you doing?!" The instructor screamed.

"I'm driving." Meg scoffs, "Duh."

The police car then pulls itself in the way and Meg quickly hits the brakes.

"Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?" Meg asked the instructor about her results.

Meg unfortunately fails the test as she takes it not so well.

"Oh, God, my life is over." Meg sulked, "I am the biggest loser I know!"

"Hey, will you relax?" John pointed, "It was just one stupid test. One failed test isn't the end of the world."

"Oh, I know just how you feel, pumpkin." Peter said patting on her shoulder, "I've had my share of disappointments, too."

**Cutaway #2**

At a hospital, a doctor held up a baby girl looking almost like Meg.

"It's a girl!" The doctor announced.

It then showed Peter holding a bunch of sports related material.

"C-can you... Can you check again?" Peter stuttered.

**End**

"Look, honey, you just have to remember that life has its little ups and... Oh, jeez!" Frank said, taking a look at his watch, "We're gonna miss the beginning of my show."

Peter looked out the windows on both sides. "Hey, there it is." Peter said as he found the program playing on a TV at one of the house he was driving by.

"Dad, watch out!" Meg shouted as they were about to collide with a delivery truck.

Peter shifts out of the way in time but accidentally loses control and crashes into a satellite dish. Then all the TVs in the neighborhood get cut by static, including the Griffins'.

"What the?! Aww!" Tyler exclaimed back at the house in disappointment, "I'm missing _Gilligan's Island_."

Peter, Frank, Meg and John get out of the car without a scratch.

"Ah, are you two okay?" Peter asked John and Meg.

"Yeah, I think so..." Meg replied.

"Same here." John followed.

Just as they walk away from their seats, the airbags then activate. The three then look at the sign that was on the locked gate.

"The Quahog Cable Television Transmitter." Peter said as he read the sign that was on the locked gate. He, Frank, Meg and John look up at the TV receiver, then to each other. "...Uh-oh..." Peter remarked. The townspeople then came to the scene very angrily.

"Hey!" An irritated citizen yelled at Peter, "You just knocked out cable TV for the whole town!"

"Oh, boy!" Peter said under his breath as the mob was getting closer to him, Frank, Meg and John, "Uh, look, there's Bigfoot!"

"Where?!" The townspeople proclaimed.

As they all look to where Peter pointed, Bigfoot was right there. "Whoa. Whoa. Whoa." Bigfoot replied, "This isn't about me. This is about you."

They all then turned their attention angrily back to Peter, Frank, John and Meg.

"Oh, well." Peter said, "At least I bought us some time."

The angry mob continued to get closer and closer, until.

"Uh, uh, uh, she did it!" Peter said pointing to Meg.

"What?!" Frank exclaimed in surprise, "Pops, you were the one driving-" Peter put his hand over his mouth to keep him from turning the mob on him.

"I-I was teaching her to drive and, uh, she lost control..." Peter lied but was cut by John suddenly.

"Wait, actually, it wasn't her." John claimed, "It was, it was me! I did it!"

"You did?" Peter remarked but soon then lied, "Oh-oh, yeah, you did!"

"Huh?" Meg said confused, "But John..."

"No, really. I did it." John continued lying, "I was at the wheel and then had my eyes off the road for a second and then WHAM! Right into the cable transmitter. Right, Mr. Griffin?" John gave a wink at Peter.

"Oh! Uh, right. Sorry, I got my daughter confused with him. Ha, silly me." Peter lied, "Come on, you guys, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember this one time I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie."

**Cutaway #3**

A young Peter was at a movie theater, trying to sneak into one of the screen rooms. His disguise: a bush. Interestingly, no one noticed.

**End**

"Oh. Come on. Give the kid a break, huh?" Peter said.

"Why should we?" One of them asked.

"Well, he..." Peter stopped to think of a good excuse, "He got his arm shot off in Vietnam."

The mob then murmured in guilt.

"Poor kid." One of the townsfolk said.

"Yeah, what a senseless war." Another said.

Peter, Frank, Meg and John were back in the car heading back to the house.

"I can't believe you just sold out a perverted boy with amnesia." Meg said outraged at what Peter did, then turned to John.

"Hey, excuuuuse me, princess!" John said back at Meg.

"Don't you dare call me that." Meg warned John, "Only my husband can call me that."

"That's right." Frank joined Meg's statement, "Only I can call my girl 'princess.' Got that?" Frank gave John a stern look at him, then went back to Peter and Meg.

"Oh, Meg, honey, I know what I did was wrong." Peter afformed Meg, "And I know this isn't the first time I've embarrassed ya."

**Cutaway #4**

Meg was in class listening to and taking notes from the teacher.

"And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-" The teacher told the students when he was cut off by a towel-clad Peter barging in.

"Hey, Meg, you mind cleaning' out the shower next time you shave your legs?" Peter informed Meg, "It's like a carpet in there."

Meg's mouth then hanged wide open after seeing her father.

**End**

John was laughing in the backseat after hearing Peter's story. Frank, in Meg's defense, then suddenly stops the car, flinging and slamming John's head on the mantle board. John got his head up and started rubbed his head up and down slowly.

"Aw, I hate to see ya so upset." Peter lamented about Meg's mood, "Hehehey, I know. Let's play a little game called 'Taking the fall for Daddy.' If you John take the fall, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license." Meg's mood was soon lifted by Peter's offer, while John thought otherwise.

"What?!" John exclaimed.

"Really?" Meg asked excited, "Oh, daddy! Now I love you again!"

"Aw, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife," Peter remarked.

"H-hey, wait a minute!" John tried to speak out, "Don't I get a say in this?"

"No." Frank said bluntly to John.

John groaned in irritation as he falls back in his seat with his arms crossed. Behind the car, the satellite from the receiver is being dragged by barbed wire tangled on the lower part of the car.

At the Channel 5 News studio, the cable there was also out.

"Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time." Tom announced realizing that now's the perfect chance to finally say anything freely, "'Course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?"

"Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people." Diane said smugly.

Tom and Diane then laugh it off since they believe no one can hear them.

"You guys." One of the cameramen said to them, "We're still on in Boston."

Tome and Diane's eyes become widened in horror at the cameraman's statement.

Back at the house, night had already fallen. Inside Stewie's room was Frank and Stewie were adjusting his latest creation?

"Excellent." Stewie acknowledged in success, "The weather machine is nearly completed."

What do you say to that, broccoli?" Frank told the broccoli on the little orange table, which doesn't give out any reply.

"Stop mocking us!" Stewie shouted at it in annoyance. Soon, he hears scratching of metal coming from outside his window. "What this?" Frank Jr questioned as he looked out the window. Peter was just pulling up the curve with the satellite dish still tangled behind.

"It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value." Stewie acknowledged at his discovery, "I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be ours."

Lois, Tyler and Brian were at the table minding their own business. Lois was taking a sip of coffee when Peter, Frank, John and Meg walk in.

"Guess what, mom?" Meg asked Lois, "Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter."

"What?!" Lois exclaimed in shock.

"Oh, it's okay." Meg informed Lois, "John took the blame dad put me on and if he and I don't say anything about it, dad's gonna but me a convertible when I get my license."

"Uh, M-Meg, it's not exactly letting someone else taking the blame if you go around telling' everyone." Peter informed her.

"Yeah, that way, you'll lose your precious convertible in no time." John laughed. Meg then punched him in the stomach as she and John walked out.

"Peter!" Lois asked Peter outraged, "You're bribing your own daughter with a car?"

"And blaming possibly my only friend?" Tyler joined in.

"Come on, you guys." Peter said sweet tellingly to both Lois and Tyler, "Isn't 'bribe' just another word for love and lending a helping hand?" Lois and Tyler both gave in a stern look.

"Look, y-y-you wanted me and Meg to bond and help John remember more and that's what we're doing." Peter reminded Lois of what she told him before, "Plus, John was the one who volunteered to take the bullet for Meg."

"Really?" Lois said astounded at what she heard.

"Ah, yeah, he said he was just doing it just 'cause he wanted to just be friends with her." Frank finished.

"My, what a sweet thing of him to do for our own Meg." Lois said seemingly interested at what was going on, then chuckled in intrigue.

Peter, unsure of what she meant, then asks her in fatherly concern for Meg, "Lois, are you implying that there's something going on with my daughter and that boy?"

"Well, it's a possibility." Lois teased.

"Hold on." Tyler stepped in, "That doesn't sound like J-Man at all."

"Yeah, exact..." Frank agreed, but soon stopped after hearing the last thing Tyler said, "Wait, 'J-Man?'"

"Oh, that's just a little nickname he gave for John." Lois informed Frank, "He also remembered that while you guys were gone, so, I guess we're making progress so far."

"Oh." Frank replied, well, okay, I guess I won't mind 'J-Man.'"

"Tyler, I was in a chatroom on _America Online_ while you were gone." Chris told Tyler as he walked in, "And Doomie22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable."

"WHAT?!" Tyler panicked.

Stewie and Frank Jr was busy sneaking away the satellite dish in the background whilst Tyler and Chris were talking.

"That's right." Chris replied, "We could be without TV for weeks!"

"Now, now, guys, now let's not panic." Peter reasoned with them, "We can manage just fine without TV."

"Yeah, now that I think about it, I also started to remember that I like to read, too." Tyler proclaimed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, reading?" Peter questioned, "Geez, now we know that you're a bookworm."

Tyler gave a frustrated groan.

"Anyway, we'll be fine without TV." Frank stated.

Brian gives a scoff at Frank's statement.

"Now, what's that supposed to mean?" Frank asked seemingly offended.

"Face it, two, you're addicted to television." Brian pointed out, "And you're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when peter tried to give up candy?"

**Cutaway #5**

The gag shows Willy Wonka in one of the labs of his factory talking to someone off-screen, possibly Peter.

"I'll ask you one more time." Willy informed, "Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?"

Then it shows the person to be Peter, now ending up like how Violet Beauregarde did in the movie.

"No." Peter replied hesitantly.

"I'm just asking-" Willy was cut off by Peter.

"What? You calling' me a liar?" Peter questioned defensively.

"No, I'm just saying." Willy responded.

"Hey, shut up, Wonka!" Peter talked back.

**End**

Yeah, well, that was different." Peter assured Brian, "I'll be fine."

"Are you sure, honey?" Lois asked.

"Oh, for God's sake, you guys." Frank responded, "You think I'm some simp who can't live without TV? Come on, gimme a break."

Then it showed Peter nervously rubbing his thigh up and down as he was on the phone with someone.

"All right, Mike, what's happening now?" Peter asked the person on the other end of the line.

"Well, Sipowicz is trying to find out who stabbed the super." Mike replied.

On the TV, Sipowicz was talking to a suspect.

"Are you gonna tell me what I wanna know, or am I gonna have to show you my ass?" Sipowicz told the suspect.

"I ain't saying' nothing'!" The suspect talked out.

Sipowicz then pulls his pants down.

"All right! It was Jimmy the Hat!" The suspect quickly admitted.

Cuts back to Peter at the couch.

"Aw, forget it, Mike." Peter said giving up, "Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio."

The next day, at James Woods Regional High School.

"Well, class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe of New Guinea." The teacher disappointedly announced, "Unfortunately, this 'John' hooligan ruined TV. So instead, we're having a surprise test."

The class got mad and upset at hearing this.

"Man, I hate that John jerk right now." Said one of the students.

"Yeah, he's totally uncool." Said another.

"Whoa! Suddenly John was public enemy number one." The narrator from _Wonder Years_ then came in and said, "It was time to tell them the truth in order to help my friend."

"Wait!" Meg exclaimed, "John didn't drive into the satellite dish!"

"Oh?" The teacher said, "And who did?"

"I was just a 15-year-old girl." The _Wonder Years _narrator came back, "But at that moment, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make other new friends, but only one chance to get a new car. But I had to still help him out anyway."

"Please don't be too hard on John, you guys." Meg said softly.

"And why should we?" The teacher questioned her again.

"Because he's living at my house and has known where else to go... Oops!" Meg yipped.

"Well, now we know who to throw stuff at." One of the students remarked.

They threw crumbled-up paper at her and one of the kids threw a Scotch bottle at her but missed.

At a bar, Peter was lamenting about his problems.

"Geez, guys, I don't know how much longer I can last." Peter said as he stared at static on the TV, "It's been a whole week since I've seen a TV show. Huh. Wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now."

The scene then turns to a Scooby Doo-escue show.

"We now return to _The Scooby Doo Murder Files_." The announcer said.

It then cut to a scene of that show where the group is at a swamp environment, investigating the scene of the crime.

"Gee whiz, gang." Fred proclaimed to the others, "Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river!" Velma nodded and said, "Jinkies! What a mystery!"

Scooby got spooked from hearing all that and clinged onto Shaggy.

"You're right, Scoob." Fred told Scooby, "We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch."

Cuts back to the bar.

"Well, you just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life." Brian insisted, "Lois has her knitting, Frank has his manga, Chris has his video games..." Hearing that just now had John widen his eyes in realization like before, "...Meg's learning how to drive, Tyler here's just remembered his fondness for reading." Brian continued.

"Well, what about you?" Tyler asked Brian.

"Me? Well, I like the sauce." Brian replied as he took a sip of his martini.

"Hey, Brian." John asked Brian, "What was that just now?"

"What do you mean?" Brian changed the question, "Are you starting to remember something about yourself?"

"I think so..." John remarked, "Quick, uh, tell me what everyone else was doing again."

"Well, let's see, uh..." Brian replied as he counted everyone's hobbies, "Lois has knitting."

"Mm-hmm." John replied.

"Chris plays video games-"

"Video games!" John quickly responded, "Yeah, I think I'm getting it now."

"Well, congratulations." Brian congratulated John on getting more of his memory back. "Good luck on your video game thing." Brian then took another sip.

"Hey, bar keep!" Brain yelled to the bartender, "Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?"

In the middle of the night, both Peter, Frank and John were struggling with their own problems. Peter and Frank was having a bad nightmare about no TV.

"C-can't live without TV." Peter muttered in his sleep, "Must... Must see TV."

"I gotta know." John muttered also in his sleep, "What is it about video games that makes me think?"

They were both have dreams related to both attachments. In both of their dreams, it was a reimagining of a scene from _The Wizard of Oz_. Peter/John wakes up and goes over to the window to see what's going on. As he takes a look, ALF (Peter, Frank)/Mario (John) was among the debris in the cyclone, sitting in a rocking chair and waved to Peter, Frank /John. The next thing to come to the window was Gilligan from _Gilligan's Island_ and the robot from _Lost in Space _(Peter, Frank)/Banjo and Kazooie from _BANjO-KAZOOiE_ and Crash from the _Crash Bandicoot _series, who also waved at Peter/John. Last was Jeanie from _I Dream of Jeanie_/the female genie from _Shanta_ riding on a bicycle? She then turns into Samantha from _Bewitched_/Gruntilda from _BANjO-KAZOOiE_. The house then falls back down to the ground, waking both Peter, Frank and John up from their dreams. In his room, Peter turns on the TV in hopes that cable had come back, but only to find static, leaving Peter with a sigh of disappointment, In Meg's room, Frank turns on the TV in hopes that cable had come back, but only to find the same result, leaving Frank with the same sigh of disappointment. Downstairs, John decides to try a game on a Nintendo 64, but for how long?

The next morning, Lois was in the kitchen with Stewie, Brian and Tyler, washing the dishes.

"Stewie." Lois informed Stewie, "I expect you to finish off your vegetables."

"Oh, rest assured, you relentless harridan." Stewie responded, "I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well!"

"Tyler, that reminds me." Lois spoke to Tyler, "Can I talk with you about your friend, John?"

"What is it?" Tyler replied.

"I'm a little worried for him." Lois informed Tyler as she sat down at the table with him and Brian, "The same goes for Peter."

"Last night I woke up and Peter was channel surfing through static." Lois continued, "And then when I went to go to the bathroom, I found John downstairs in the living room trying to get a game on his Nintendo 64 to work."

"Aw, you worry too much." Tyler assured Lois, "I'm sure eventually they'll bounce it off."

"Yeah, I'm sure they'll find a way to cope." Brian agreed.

Peter and John then enter the room both wearing harnesses that hold up cardboard TV screens, though John's also had a cardboard game system on the bottom while he was holding a cardboard controller.

"Mornin', Lois." Peter greeted Lois.

Brian scoffs, "And you were worried."

"Peter, what the hell are those?" Lois asked Peter.

"It's my favorite TV family, the Griffins." Peter answered.

"And it's my favorite video game team, also the Griffins." John said.

"Peter, you and John are scaring me." Lois told Peter worriedly.

"Yeah, J-Man, Mrs. Griffin's right." Tyler joined in, "She and now me are beginning to think you and Mr. Griffin are losing your grips on reality."

"Boring." Peter exclaimed in boredom, "I'm gonna go see what else is on."

"Same here." John said as he followed Peter out the screen door.

"Peter! John!" Lois shouted to the two, "Keep an eye on Stewie."

Lois and Frank ran after Peter and John. Tyler and Brian were alone with Frank jr and Stewie.

"Don't move!" Tyler told Stewie.

Stewie then began to make silly faces at them. After a few seconds of it, Brian shoves Stewie down the floor.

"A little help?" Stewie asked.

Tyler reaches his hand to Stewie.

"Not you." Stewie rejected at Tyler, who pulls his hand back with his spirit down.

Outside the house, Peter and John were strolling by while looking through their cardboard TVs. They turn to Quagmire leaving his house in a pilot's uniform.

"Who's that, Mr. Griffin?" John asked Peter.

"Well, that's Glenn Quagmire, the wacky next-door neighbor." Peter replied as Quagmire soon noticed them awkwardly, then grabbing the handle of his bag. "What's he up to this time?"

"I'm going' to work!" Quagmire responded to Peter's remark, "Hey, Peter, who's that with you?"

"Oh, him?" Peter asked as he turned to John, "He's one of the amnesia boys who's livin' in my house that I've told you about. Remember?"

"Oh, so you're the new kid." Quagmire remarked, "Nice to meet ya, I'm Glenn Quagmire. But you can call me Quagmire."

"Nice to meet you, too." John replied, "Name's John, by the way."

"All right, see you guys later." Quagmire said as he left.

"Hehehehe, him and his get-rich-quick schemes." Peter remarked.

Meanwhile, Lois was driving through the neighborhood in the car looking for Peter and John.

"We have to find John and your father, Chris." Lois said to Chris in the passenger's side, "They're not well."

"I never knew people who went crazy before..." Chris remarked at the situation, "Except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz!" Frank then just stares at Chris for a minute in shock.

Then it goes back to Peter and John walking in downtown.

"Heh, we get all the channels and games on these things." Peter acknowledged to John, "_Lifetime_."

"_SimCity_." John remarked at the thing Peter was referring in his view.

"CBS." Peter said referring to an elderly couple passing by. "_Pong_." John followed.

"Hey, UPN." Peter then acknowledged to a couple of black guys playing basketball. "Cool, _NBA Jam '99_." John said lastly.

Peter turns away to a view of James Woods Regional High School.

"All right, 90210." Peter remarked after seeing it.

"Huh?" John replied to what Peter said, "Hey, a dating sim."

Peter and John were roaming the schoolyard, still wearing their harnesses. They saw a couple of students, who were soon taking notice. Meg was the last image they saw in their "TVs."

"Dad? John?" Meg responded after seeing both Peter and John with their "TVs" strapped on.

"Meg, what are you doing in West Beverly?" Peter asked Meg, "Oh, boy, they're really reaching for guest stars in the 10th season."

"Meg?" John acknowledged in disdain, "Oh, no. No way am I picking her as an alternate ending."

"Dad, what are you and John doing? Get out of here!" Meg told Peter, "I'm already a total outcast because of you and him!"

"What? I thought I was supposed to be the one to take the fall." John said upon hearing Meg's statement, "What got them interested in you all of a sudden?"

"Now, John, she's just upset because you wrecked the cable transmitter." Peter responded.

"He did not!" Meg shouted in John's defense suddenly, much to John's confusion, then sighed, "Forget it. What good is a car if I let other people get treated badly and have no friends because of it?"

Her guilt about letting framing a boy with amnesia was too much for her to take.

"'John' didn't wreck TV!" Meg confessed, "My dad did!"

"What?" A teacher said in surprise coming out.

"What'd she say?" Another teacher asked opening a window from inside.

"Peter Griffin ruined TV?" The school's groundskeeper acknowledged from behind a tree.

"And blamed some poor kid with amnesia?" A man questioned popping his head out a manhole.

"Well, that's the lowest thing I've ever heard." A man remarked landing from a parachute.

Just then, Lois and Frank arrived in the car and they got out and came over to Peter and John's side.

"Peter, John, take those things off and come home." Lois worriedly told Peter and John.

"Hey, Lois. You're just in time for the exciting conclusion." Peter informed Lois, "Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Hah. Let's watch."

"Weird. I'm getting something like that here, too." John said also looking in his screen, "I think it's some of beat 'em up game."

Another angry mob like early then marched towards Peter, Frank, Lois, John and Meg.

"There they are. There they are." One of the townsfolk said.

"Yeah, that's the guy who ruined our cable." The man from the manhole, "Let's get him!"

Before the mob could reach Peter, Frank got in front of him.

"Stop! Stop!" Frank shouted, "What is wrong with you people? O-Okay, yes. My dad's responsible for knocking out TV, but... We should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. Now we can see the world for what it is... A beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced."

"Aw, geez, another chick flick." Peter disdained.

"Yeah, I'm not into girl games." John agreed.

"He's right." A man among the crowd proclaimed, "All the hours we've wasted on that idiot box. I'm gonna paint my house!"

"I'm gonna build a ship-in-a-bottle." The man with the parachute said.

"I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road." An old man said.

Lois was relieved that the townspeople were finally taking a break from television.

"I'll take you and John home, honey." Lois said to Peter as she uninstalled both Peter and John's cardboard TVs from their harnesses.

Later at nighttime, Peter and Lois were talking in their bedroom.

"Ugh, I can't believe I let John take the blame." Peter said in guilt, "You were right, Lois. TV is evil. You know, I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long?"

**Cutaway #6**

It shows Charles Manson in his cell rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, watching a small TV.

"If I haven't seen it, it's new to me." Charles Manson said.

**End**

"You and John just went a little overboard." Lois comforting Peter, "you both need a little balance in your life. There are other things to appreciate besides television and video games."

"Y-You mean..." Peter stuttered looking around to see Lois' point, "Like this lamp?"

"Well... Yeah. O-Okay." Lois sort of agreed, "Th-The lamp gives us light."

"Hehehehehe, I get it." Peter said finally realizing it.

"And your family gives you love." Lois said, "You should spend some time with ours kids, Peter. John and Tyler included. And with me."

"WH-What could me and you do together?" Peter asked confused.

Lois let out a naughty laugh.

"Lois!" Peter exclaimed, "You've got a sick mind!"

"Peter, I'm talking about making love." Lois said.

"Ohoho." Peter said in relieve, "Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money."

The camera pans away into the background and amorous sounds of pleasure can be heard. The next morning, Frank got up first and opened the window.

"Ah, what a gorgeous day." Frank exclaimed in a suddenly bright mood, "Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun?"

It soon shows the sun as Sunny, the mascot of Kellogg's _Raisin Bran_.

"It's always a nice day with two scoops of raisins, Frank." Sunny said as he poured the raisins in his scoops. It then started raining raisins, though one giant raisin soon falls and lands on a car, setting its alarm off.

Everyone was having breakfast whilst Stewie was still working on the weather machine.

"Top of the morning, everyone." Peter greeted the family as he walked right in and gave Lois a kiss in the cheek.

"Excellent!" Stewie exclaimed, "Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device!"

"Victory is ou, AAHH!" Stewie said as Peter picked him up, "Release me at once!"

"Guys, your mother was right." Peter informed his kids and John and Tyler, "It's time we helped John and Tyler remember about who they were before. It'd be a crime to just sit around and wait for the TV to start working'."

"Great. You can also teach me how to drive." Meg said.

"Meg, there'll be plenty of time to drive when you're dead." Peter shrugged, "There's a big world out there just waiting to us to grab it by the shorts hairs!"

"Damn!" Stewie muttered under his breath as he struggled to get out of Peter's grasp.

"Let's go!" Frank soon announced.

The Griffins were first fishing at a lake, where Lois gets a big bite. Peter, Frank, Chris and Meg helped pull the line, but were having trouble. John then gets his single hand on the fishing rod and simply pulls on fish they caught is actually the Creature from the Black Lagoon, where they also take a photo of their catch.

Next, the family was lying on a grassy meadow looking up at the clouds. Chris, however, points out to the Bat signal to his right. Frank also sees another signal, but instead having a dog on it. After taking a look, Brian and Frank Jr then suddenly zooms off.

The Griffins are now playing basketball back at the house. Chris and Persephone does a dunk. Meg and Frank also does one, too. Peter runs up too fast and crashes into the garage door. John then tries a shoot at the basket, but the ball bounces off from the side of the hoop, sending it straight to John's face knocking him out.

Lastly, the Griffins go on a picnic at a park. Everyone was getting the food and utensils out, while Peter was pitching the blanket. Tyler steps in to help, but after a few times of spreading the blanket in the air, a bull suddenly appears out of nowhere and runs over Tyler, leaving him a pancake.

Finally, everyone, except Peter and Frank, finally took a break from the activities back at the house.

"Ugh, I'm so tired." Persephone exclaimed, "This morning's fly-fishing really wore me out."

"Well, wake up!" Chris said to his sister, "You promised you'd get this hook of my mouth."

Persephone then tries to get the hook out. She succeeds.

"Ow. Thank you." Chris thanked Persephone.

"Now, kids, your father is just trying to spend time with his family." Lois assured the kids, "Or kill us. I'm not sure which."

As they nearly walk out the door, the TV then displays the news channel.

"Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they?" Tom Tucker said from the TV as the Griffins soon stop to see, "Well, Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking."

"Oh, Tom." Diane flattered, "I don't think your wife would appreciate that."

"That frigid old cow lives in Quahog." Tom shrugged, "She can't hear a word I'm saying."

"Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog." The cameraman informed, giving Tom and Diane another look of horror on their faces like before.

Cuts back to the house.

"Wait." Tyler said, "If TV's back on, then that means..."

Tyler then walked over to the Nintendo 64 beside the TV and turned it on, this time successful. On it displayed the _SUPER MARIO 64_ title screen.

"I think I know how to fix Mr. Griffin and J-Man's problems." Tyler said.

As the family sat down and watched TV, Stewie emerged from behind the couch holding his weather machine.

"Thank God!" Stewie thankfully acknowledged, "Their puerile minds are once again distracted by that flickering box. Time to be bad!" He then walked out of the living room.

"Come on, everyone, we're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival." Peter announced as he Frank, John came in the room wearing lederhosen.

"Yeah, you know those Germans." John said, "You don't join their party, they come get you."

"But, Frank, dad, the TV's back on." Chris informed Peter.

"Yeah, and so's the Nintendo 64." Tyler also said.

"Huh. Waddya know." Peter bluntly said as he, Frank and John looked at the TV, "Okay, let's go."

"Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family." Lois enthusiastically told Peter, "But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together and maybe let John play just one game?"

"Why? We're too busy living life to the fullest." Frank shrugged, "Come on, let's go."

"I'm sick of life." Chris complained.

"Yeah, my-my dogs are barking'." Brian agreed.

"But I thought we were having fun." Peter said.

"Yeah." John agreed.

"We were, but now it might be nice to watch other people have fun." Meg explained, "Or get killed. You know, whatever's on."

"Look, Peter, Frank, it's your favorite show." Lois pointed to the TV.

On the TV was another episode of _Star Trek_.

"All right, men. This is a dangerous mission." Captain Kirk announced to the crew, "And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey."

"Aw, crap." Ensign Rickey muttered.

Cuts back to Peter and John.

"Sorry, Lois." Peter said to Lois, "There's only one show I want to see and only one game John wants to play. There a little something both I like to call 'Make Every Day Count,' starring Peter Griffin, Frank mallque and, um... John as themselves. Right, John?"

John was still unsure about what he wanted as he was still staring at the game console. "Uhh, yeah..."  
>John said at last.<p>

"Oh, come on, Peter. Don't you think both you and John miss TV and video games just a little?" Lois persuaded Peter, "The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, and the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment?"

Just then, William Shatner suddenly opens the door, just as Lois predicted.

"Hi. I'm William Shatner." William Shatner introduced himself, "My car broke down while I was on my way to give a speech about how TV keeps families together. Say, would you like to hear it?"

"Nonono, my kids and I have gotta run." Peter informed William Shatner, "I don't wanna miss the all-you-eat schnitzel bar."

"Wait a minute!" William Shatner halted Peter and John from walking away for a bit, "I love schnitzel."

"Well, then come along." Frank said inviting William Shatner with him, peter and John, "I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen."

"I'll change in the car." William Shatner announced in Lois' face while, for some unknown reason, his wig was floating where Shatner was exactly standing at, then went back in its place as the three walked off.

"If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little-" Meg said before she was cut off by Lois.

"Let's go, Meg." Lois said irritated and pulled Meg away by her arm.

Tyler was then about to head back inside, but noticed someone missing.

"Stewie, Frank jr?" Tyler said, "Stewie, Frank jr?"

Tyler then looked outside in the front yard first. When he couldn't find any sightings of both toddlers around there, he then went to check the backyard. To his prevail, he finally found Stewie and Frank Jr.

"Hey, Stewie, Frank Jr." Tyler called out.

Stewie and Frank Jr was on a tire swing in their raincoat as they began to swing forward a few times. They then jumps off and bounces off a trampoline placed before them and onto the roof where the satellite dish was strapped onto the chimney.

"Stewie, Frank jr?" Tyler exclaimed out of surprise.

Stewie then pulled the weather machine tied to the end of a rope as he was using his trike as a crank. He then straps it in the rope holding the dish and connects two breaker cables on the antennae's and then finally pulls the string, activating and spinning the arrow on the See-N-Say, which stops at "Freezing Rain."

"Fare thee well, broccoli!" Frank Jr professed as storm clouds began to form.

We later go directly to the Bavarian Folk Festival where Peter, Frank, John and William Shatner are attending. At a German bratwurst stand, the vendor with a small, but familiar mustache appears to be suspiciously eyeing the stand next to him; a Polish sausage stand. Without warning, the German vendor knocks the Polish vendor out and takes the stand for himself that is until he takes interest in the Czech wieners stand next door.

At a motorcycle merry-go-round, Frank and William Shatner are discussing about television.

"I don't know, Frank." William Shatner said warily, "I can't imagine choosing life over television."

"I'm telling' ya, it's great, Bill." Frank assured, "Yeah, and the only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here."

"Yeah, and maybe me remembering about myself." John said afterwards, still thinking about the decision he was going to make about giving up what he possibly loved.

The storm formed from Stewie's weather machine then appears and rains on the festival, causing the festival to end early.

"My God!" William Shatner exclaimed in both surprise and amazement, "It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring!"

"Hey! Hey, let's all take off our shoes and run home barefoot!" Peter suggested as he got out.

"Griffin, you're a madman!" William Shatner responded as he grabbed Peter by his lederhosen, "Barefoot, you say?"

Lois was still teaching Meg how to drive while it was still raining.

"This is not safe." Lois acknowledged about the condition of the storm, "I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull out."

"Mom, I can't even tell where 'over' is." Meg said.

Peter and William Shatner were busy playfully running down the drenched road barefoot, whilst John was just walking with them away from the road with his shoes still on.

"You were right, Peter." William Shatner praised Peter, "I've never felt so alive."

"Hehe, told ya." Peter said to Shatner, then saw John still wearing his shoes, "Hey, John, what's wrong? Don't you want to run barefoot in the rain?"

"I'm not in the mood." John said not giddy like Peter and William Shatner were.

Back at the house, Stewie and Frank were already proud of their success.

"Victory is ours!" Stewie shouted triumphantly.

Lightning hits the dish, sending the shock to Stewie, who almost loses his balance.

"I got you, Stewie!" Tyler hollered to Stewie from the ground.

Lightning strikes the dish again, this time wrecking it and causing Stewie and Frank to fall off the top of the window, then off the roof and bouncing off the trampoline and landing on top of Tyler, who tried to catch them.

"Fudge." Frank Jr said in pain

"Goddamnit." Stewie said also pain.

"Ow..." Tyler groaned in pain.

Tyler, Frank Jr and Stewie are then left on the ground both knocked-out.

Meanwhile, Peter, Frank and William Shatner were still playing in the rain on the street. This causes John to feel worried for them.

"Mr. Griffin?" John asked Peter concerned, "Don't you think this seems a little dangerous to be playing on the road?"

"Aw, you worry too much." Frank shrugged.

"Yeah, try to have a little fun." William Shatner agreed with Frank.

In the distance, Meg was still behind the wheel in the rain, unable to see what's in front of her. She soons finally sees someone in the windshield, causing her to slam on the brakes.

"My God." William Shatner exclaimed in shock.

Right before they're run over, John pushes Frank, Peter and William Shatner out of the way and gets hit instead. The car collides off-screen and Meg is shown to be okay, as well as Lois.

"Oh my God! Meg, are you all right?" Lois asked Meg worried.

"Yeah." Meg assured Lois, "I'm okay."

Suddenly, the car then begins to shake and is lifted into the air, causing Meg and Lois to panic.

"Aaahhh!" Meg screamed.

"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed in panic.

At the front, it was showing John to be lifting the entire car by the hood with what appeared to be superhuman strength.

"Holy crap!" Peter exclaimed in shock.

In John's face were glowing, bright eyes and a face showing struggle. Clearly there was more to him and Tyler than what they seem to be. After about a few seconds of having the car up in the air in his fists, John soon grew tired and weary, the light shining out of his eyes were fading away and suddenly he drops the car on its feet and falls to the ground.

Meg and Lois then get out of the car and ran to John's side.

"Oh, my God. I hit John." Meg said in worry, "Is he hurt?"

"I don't know." Lois acknowledged, "It doesn't even look like he's got any broken bones- AAHHH!" Lois then jumped as she saw what became of the front hood. It had a big gap about the size of John's waistline.

"Holy crap!" Meg exclaimed in amazement.

"But... How could he have done this?" Lois questioned, "I mean did you see that he was lifting an entire car all on his own? I-I mean that's completely impossible!"

Lois and Meg soon heard moans of pains to their side and remembered about Frank, Peter and William Shatner.

"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed, "Peter!"

Lois and Meg then placed John on the grill and ran to Frank and Peter's side.

"Frank!" Meg called to her husband worried sick, "Are you okay?"

"Uhh, yeah." Frank assured to them, "I think I'm okay..."

"Uhh, me too." Peter assured to them as well,

"Oh, thank God!" Lois gladly said as she and Meg hugged Frank and Peter, who hugged back.

"Hey, where's Bill?" Peter asked about William Shatner, then heard him in pain.

"Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe." William Shatner acknowledged, possibly in his dying words, "Beam me up, God."

He then lies flat on his back appearing to be lifeless. His stomach bursts out of his lederhosen.

"Whew, I did not see that coming." Ensign Rickey remarked in irony as he was with a group of people witnessing what happened.

Peter, Frank, John and William Shatner, who was actually passed out from a head concussion, are then taken to the hospital. The family was in John and Peter's room, where Peter was in a body cast and John only had broken arms. Tyler also had bandages on his head and Frank Jr, Stewie only had a Band-Aid on their heads.

"Daddy." Meg said apologetically to Peter, "I'm sorry you, Frank, John and Mr. Shatner over."

"Aw, don't worry, honey." Peter comforted Meg, "As soon as John gets his arms better, Frank and I get out of this body cast, we'll do enough living for us and Bill."

"Actually, Bill's lawyers just placed a restraining order on you, Frank and John." Lois informed Peter, "So, I don't think neither of you will spend time with him anytime soon."

"Aw." Peter said in disappointment.

"And honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be?" Lois pleaded.

"Yeah, and can't J-Man go at least give video games a chance?" Tyler pleaded also, "You know, just to see if it really is a part of who he is."

"And there's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill." Lois said.

"It's true." Tyler said, "Chris and I tried filling it, but neither one of us could big enough."

"No, Tyler." John informed Tyler, "Video games are what got me like this."

"But I thought the car crash did." Tyler replied.

"No, I mean they might be what got me to lose my memories in the first place." John explained, "You were right about it all along, Mr. Griffin."

"Yeah, haven't you guys learned anything?" Frank joined in, "TV and video games took over me, Pops and John's lives once. We're never gonna let that happen again."

"Oh, my God." Lois said saddened, "We've lost them."

"No." Tyler remarked now lost hope.

The family then leaves now upset to find Peter, Frank and John for who they were gone forever.

"So, what did the doctors say of J-Man's condition, Mrs. Griffin?" Tyler asked Lois.

"Well, they say he only had strained arms and that he needs to rest a while." Lois informed Tyler, "I also told them about John getting hit by the car, but they didn't find any bones broken. I'm a little worried, actually."

"Whoa, really?" Tyler said, "But that's impossible, even for J-Man."

"I know, but I still think you and John should continue to stay with us." Lois again informed Tyler.

"What? Why?" Tyler replied.

"Because I starting to think both you and John were left on our doorstep for a reason." Lois explained, "Otherwise, if John haven't acted, then Mr. Shatner would probably be dead right now. Besides, if people knew you were both like that, they'd make fun of you and I didn't want that."

"Oh. All right, thank you." Tyler then agreed, "One more thing, Mrs. Griffin."

"Yes, Tyler?" Lois said.

"Is the reason you're allowing me and J-Man to stay longer also because you like us?" Tyler asked Lois.

"Well... Gee, maybe." Lois understood, "I'll admit you're both starting to make a big addition to this family."

"You really mean that?" Tyler said amazed.

"Of course." Lois informed Tyler, "In fact, I think you and John should stay with us from now on."

"Thanks, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said as he and Lois hugged as he and John were now a part of the family.

Back in John and Frank, Peter's room, the nurse walks up to Frank.

"Hey, if ya help me and my friend out of here, I know an enchanted meadow where the blueberries are just begging to be picked."

"Look, buddy." The nurse told Frank, "Just you and your kid go in the pan and don't call me unless one of you is flat lining."

The nurse then turned the TV on and gave John a little something to keep him entertained; a Game Boy Color.

"Hey. Hey-hey, turn that TV off." Peter informed the nurse, but she was already gone, "And get that thing away from him. Hey, n-nurse? Nurse?"

"Uh-oh." John said.

"What would you do for a _Klondike _bar?" The announcer on the TV said.

"Let's-a play!" The voice from the game on John's Game Boy said.

"Would you stand on one leg?" The announcer on the TV asked a man.

"Sure." The man on the TV said standing on one leg.

Peter and Frank tried to look away.

In John's game, John had passed the first half of the level. Like Peter and Frank, John also tried to look away.

"Would you act like a monkey?" The announcer asked the man a second time.

"Uhuh." The man agreed as he began acting like a monkey. Peter and Frank again tried to resist, only to take one last look.

Back at John's game, John had now found a secret path leading to the boss, though he soon tries to stop, but can't shake the game placed firmly on his sort off petrified hands off.

Finally back at the TV, the announcer gives the man another dare, though this time it's a bit different.

"W-Would, would you kill a man?" The announcer said.

"Um... Uh, well." The man warily.

A gunshot is heard with the painful moan of another on the TV and John manages to beat the boss with a gun, gaining Frank, Peter and John's attention back.

Then, everyone, including John and Peter, was in the living room watching TV.

"Daddy." Meg said sweetly to Peter, "Now that I've finally passed my driver's test, can I still get a convertible?"

"Hehehe, no." Peter informed Meg, "But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart."

"That reminds me, John." Persephone soon talked to John, "You still hadn't told me of why you took the blame instead of Meg."

"Well..." John replied, "It just one of those things you do for your friends, I guess."

"Friends?" Persephone asked confused.

John sighed, "Look, I just thought that since we got off on the wrong foot, we could be friends. Will that work?"

"You want us to be friends?" Persephone and Meg asked John.

"Only if you want to." John said.

"Well, sure, I guess." Persephone responded, "You've already shown me that you're not what I thought you were."

"And what's that?" John asked.

"A weird, creepy guy who looks at girls pervertedly."

"Oh..." John responded.

"But now I see you as this very sweet person who thinks of others before himself." Persephone said, "And for that, I'll gladly be your friend."

"Gee, thanks." John said.

"Oh, I'm proud of you, John." Lois commented.

"For what?" John asked confused.

"Well, for putting your differences aside and making new friends. That's why." Lois explained.

"Oh." John exclaimed, "Well, thanks, Mrs. Griffin."

"And I'm proud of you, Peter." Lois then said to Peter, "You, Frank and John taught us all a valuable lesson. It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with, especially with your friends, and your family-"

"Too late, he's gone." Peter cut off Lois as he saw John already busy playing a SEGA Genesis with Tyler.

The next day, Lois handed Stewie and Frank Jr their vegetables.

"I know you don't like broccoli, you two, but you'll thank me when you grow up big and strong like your father." Lois told Frank Jr and Stewie.

"Ah, compelling argument. You've swayed us, woman." Stewie assured Lois as she patted his head and walked to the sink.

"All right. Are you ready, simpleton?" Stewie asked Tyler.

"Ready." Tyler replied.

"Mmm, oh, that is good." Frank Jr lied as he was scraping his broccoli onto Tyler's plate, "Mmm, I feel stronger already. Mmm-mmm, oh, it's good tasting and good for you, mmm."

As Tyler was about to stick his fork in his plate, Brian swipes it away, leaving the fork and knife sticking through the table. Brian then dumps the broccoli back onto Frank Jr and Stewie's plate.

"Nice try." Brian said, "And don't help him, Tyler."

"Aww..." Tyler groaned.

"Quadruped." Stewie called Brian.

"Mutant." Brian fired back.

Then Frank Jr jump off his seat and kick Brian in the balls, shove the broccoli in his mouth and said "never mess with the best Mallque in the house."

**The End**


	4. Chapter 3: Chitty Chitty Death Bang

**I don't own family guy or stg frog, please support the office release**

**Chapter 3: Chitty Chitty Death Bang**

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh 'n Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

**Hey it me Frank hear to explain about my son Frank Jr and how he was born, its starts with ****Persephone writing a new recipe,**

**Flashback starts**

"Persephone was sitting on the couch, thinking up a new recipe.

'Let's see...' he mused, stroking his chin. New recipe, new recipe... egg, who has it all...but then gets mix. Butter, and milk. Ok, we'll start to work with that.'

Suddenly, she heard noises from outside. She could hear Meg, and somebody unfamiliar.

'Go on, go home!' Meg was giggling. 'Be quiet, you'll wake my family. Now go on, leave!'

The unfamiliar voice spoke. It sounded male. Meg entered the house, a young man around her age behind her. He had long black spike hair, and blue eyes. He was quite handsome.

'See you later, Meg.' he said, kissing her on the cheek.

'See you, frank.' replied Meg, closing the door.

Persephone frowned at her. 'So...who was that?'

Meg immediately looked uncomfortable and guilty.

'Oh, that was Frank. He's my boyfriend.'

The two stared at each other for a long moment, before Meg faked a yawn and stretched.

'Well, it's about time for me to be hitting' the 'old dusty trail...'

The next day...

Persephone and Meg bumped into each other in the hall.

'Hey...' she said tentatively.

'Hey...' Persephone replied.

They looked at each other uncomfortably for a long moment, then Meg walked away. At that moment, Brian came out of his room.

'Wow. Dude that was _painful_.' he said to Persephone. 'God, I could practically see the icicles forming, it was that chilly.'

'It's not that bad.' snapped Lois, trying to walk past.

'Not that bad? For god sakes, you two used to be practically joined at the hip, but now, you're like Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.'

**Cutaway: Jennifer and Brad walk past one another on the street. They then stop and look at each other.**

Brad: ...Hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer: ...Hey, Brad.

(They stare at each other for several seconds, then walk by.)

**End Cutaway.**

Anyway, back to the story.

'Well, anyway, Persephone, what happened with you and Meg?' Brian asked.

Persephone sighed and lowered his head to stare at his feet.

'She has a boyfriend.'

Brian winced. 'Ouch, man. Ouch. Did you say anything to her?'

'No. I doubt I've got the right to ask her to break up with him, and besides, he makes her happy. And if Meg's happy, I'm happy.'

Brian stared at him, incredulous.

'Bull. Shit. You want him to die, don't you?'

'Yeah.' Persephone admitted. 'Preferably slowly and painfully.'

Brian smiled at him. 'I like you today.'

Later that day...

The family, except for Meg, were watching the news.

**Cutaway to TV: Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney are sitting at the desk. Joyce looks the same, while half of Tom's moustache is missing.**

'Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker. In local news, we mourn the death of my moustache, which was lost today in a tragic shaving accident. I'll miss you, Steve.'

'You call your moustache 'Steve'?' asked dianna.

'Yeah. What do you call _yours?_ I bet you call it Ugly McShouldn'tbethere.' retorted Tom.

Meg then walked in front of the TV. She turned the volume down.

'Eh, what-a the hell-a?' asked Peter in an Italian accent. 'We were watching that-a!'

'Anyway, I have something to tell you all. I met a boy. His name's Frank Mallque, and we're going out.'

'Well, congratulations, Meg ' said Lois.

Meg smiled. 'But that's not all. I'm-'

But she was interrupted by Chris yelling and pointing at the TV.

'Oh my god, a car crash!' he yelled.

On the TV, Tom was talking. There was a screen above his head with a car accident on it.

'Late-breaking news, folks. A car accident has occurred on the highway. Two men have been injured. The man was identified to be 22-year old Quahogian, Frank Mallque.'

The family gasped in horror. Meg burst into tears, and Lois took her in her arms.

'Oh, Meg, I'm so sorry. You must be devastated.'

Meg sniffed, trying to wipe away her tears.

'But that's not all. I-I'm pregnant!'

The others gasped, and Peter leapt to his feet.

'When I find the bastard who knocked up my daughter, I swear, I'll take my car and smash it into his, thus killing him!'

He then looked on innocently as the entire family turned their heads to glare at him.

'What?' he asked.

The rest of them just decided to let him bask in his own stupidity.

'Meg, I can't believe you're pregnant!' said Lois.

'Is that really the issue here?' Meg cried. 'I'm pregnant with a man in coma's child! Why do bad things always happen to _ME?_' with that, she ran upstairs and into the attic.

Lois stood, but Persephone stopped her.

'No, Lois. Let me talk to her.'

He walked upstairs and took a chair from Meg's room. He then stood on it to make him tall enough to knock on the trapdoor. When he received no reply, he pushed it open. Meg was face down on her bed, crying her eyes out. She looked up.

'G-go away, Persephone. I need to be alone right now.'

'No, Meg. We need to talk. I know it's tough, and-'

'Tough?' Meg snorted sarcastically. '_TOUGH? _You think it's_ tough,_ losing your boyfriend when you never even got to tell him that you were pregnant with his child? You think it's _tough,_ having to raise a baby alone?'

Brian stopped her.

'But that's just it. You won't be alone. You'll have the family.'

Meg stopped crying. 'WH-what?'

'You heard me. We'll be there for you. I'll help you raise this baby. I'll be ther for my nephew, if you want me to be.'

Meg smiled gratefully at him. 'You would do that-for me?'

Persephone smiled back at her. 'Of course. I'd do anything for you, you're my twin sister Meg.'

Meg threw her arms around her. 'Oh, Persephone. Thank you. You're a better friend than I deserve. I love you.'

Persephone chuckled slightly as she put her arms around her.

'I love you too, kid.'

'Late-breaking news, folks. Frank G mallque is awake. Said the TV in Megs room

"Frank Just woke up and is he happy to be alive back to you tom".

The family gasped in horror. Meg burst into tears of joy, and the family ran to the hospital.

The Griffin family and Menma (who saw the news and told him everything) were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital still waiting for the condition of frank. Meg was especially worried about him. The car crash wound was bleeding pretty badly by the time the ambulance got there, and she has been known to have such bad luck. If she lost him, then what? She would have to go back to her old life. Everyone would hate her and there would be no one to stand up for her like frank did. Thankfully, Lois and Persephone were there to comfort her.

"He'll be okay, sweetie," said Lois.

"Yeah, Meg. Frank's a strong guy," said Persephone, "He'll pull through."

"Thanks," said Meg.

"He saved my life," Chris said, "Even after I cost him his job at IHOP, he saved my life."

"Oh man, this is more depressing than that episode of Sesame Street I saw yesterday," said Stewie.

**Flashback**

"Today on Elmo's world," said Elmo, "Elmo wants to talk about depression. You see, Elmo is depressed. Why? Because Elmo gets hate mail from fans who think Elmo is dominating Sesame Street. Then Elmo went on forums and found topics that say 'Elmo Sux'.", Elmo then began crying, "That's why Elmo is going to show you what happens to depressed people," Elmo then pulls out a gun, "THEY BECOME SUICIDAL!"

"Elmo! No!" shouted Big Bird, "Not again!"

"You were supposed to take your medication!" shouted Telly.

"Get back!" shouted Elmo, "GET BACK!"

"Elmo, you need help," said Bert, "That's why we're going to take you somewhere where you can get all the help you need."

"NO! ELMO'S NOT GOING BACK TO THAT F#CKING PLACE!" Shouted Elmo as he shot Bert. He then shot all the other Muppets in the room and pointed the gun to his head, "NOW ALL I HAVE IS ONE LAST THING TO SAY TO ALL YOU HATERS; F#CK YOU!"

And with one pull of the trigger, the Elmo legacy was over.

**End Flashback**

"I have terrible news," said Dr. Hartman.

"Oh no! Frank is dead?!" cried Meg.

"No, he's fine," said Dr. Hartman, "It's just that I didn't get that PS3 I wanted. Someone outbid me on EBay."

"Oh I'm so sorry," said Peter as he placed his hand on Dr. Hartman's shoulder.

"Can we see him?" asked Lois.

"Oh, sure," said Dr. Hartman.

As the family walked to Frank's room, Chris heard a voice call his name. He then went to where the voice came from and there he saw Herbert lying in a hospital bed.

"Mr. Herbert?" asked Chris, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Chris," he said in that soothing, yet creepy voice, "I was hiding out in the woods watching the little boy scouts camping when out of nowhere, a big old' bear attacked poor little old' me."

"That's horrible!" said Chris, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well, you could stick around and give me a sponge bath," said Herbert.

"Isn't that the nurse's job?"

"Yeah... well you see I don't trust those nurses. They could try to take advantage of my old, weak body," he said, "But I can trust you, Chris. So what do you say?"

"Sorry, but I'm visiting my sister's boyfriend," said Chris, "I'll see you later."

"Just remember," said Herbert, "That offer's open anytime!"

Chris then made his way into Frank's hospital room, where he was lying down with his mid-section wrapped up.

"Thank god you're alive," said Meg as she hugged him tight.

"CAR CRASH WOUND! CAR CRASH WOUND!" he shouted in pain.

"Sorry."

"I'm thankful you're alive, bro," said Menma, "I brought you your favorite book so you won't get bored: 'Captain Underpants'!"

"Captain Underpants?" asked Frank, "I haven't read ' Captain Underpants ' since I was 5!"

"Your point being?" asked Menma.

"Um, you can have it," said Zack.

"Really!" asked Menma, "Oh thank you! It's just too bad I can never finish the book."

"Yeah, me neither," said Peter, "I always get stuck on page 3."

"Frank, I'm sorry I got you shot," said Chris, "And I'm sorry about the IHOP incident."

"Actually, I want to thank you for it," said Frank.

"Why?"

"If I didn't get fired, I would never have met Meg," said Frank, "So I'm not mad at you anymore."

"So when are you getting out of the hospital?" asked Meg.

"I've been shot so many times, I've started healing faster," he said, "I'll be out by tomorrow."

"That's great to hear," said Brian.

"Mom, dad, Chris, Brian, Menma" said Persephone, "I think we should leave those two alone for a minute."

"What?" asked Peter, "But I wanna hear every mushy thing they're gonna say and laugh at them."

"Now!" said Lois as she and the others left the room.

"I thought I lost you, today," said Meg.

"I thought I was gonna lose _me_," said Frank, "What the hell was I thinking, coming to that car like that? I was almost killed!"

"I was worried, okay! In fact I always worry about you when you left work!" said Meg as she started to cry, "Everyday there's either a robbery or an angry customer and you just shrug it off! I always get scared that someday, you'll be dead and I'll be alone again."

This little explanation sunk into Frank.

"Is that how you feel?" said Frank. Meg slowly nodded her head. Frank then sighed heavily and said, "Then I'm going to quit my job. No point in worrying you half to death."

"But what will you do?" asked Meg.

"Who knows," said Frank, "Personally, I want to be a writer. They make good money."

"Well, as long as you don't get shot at on a daily basis," said Meg as she held onto Frank's hand, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll see you too," said Frank as Meg was leaving the room. When she opened the door she saw Peter stumbling about with a glass cup.

"Were you eavesdropping on us?" Meg asked.

"...Maybe," said Peter.

"Well, it doesn't matter," said Lois, "What's important is that Frank's alive and we can all go back to living like we did before he got shot."

"Well, since he won't be at home..." said Menma.

"DON'T TOUCH MY N64!" shouted Frank, "OR MEG!"

"Crap!" he said as he snapped his fingers.

The next day, Peter picked up Frank from the hospital and brought him to the house. Frank was still pretty injured but was well enough to walk on his own. He was then greeted by the rest of the family.

"It's good to have you back," said Lois.

"Welcome back," said Chris.

"It's good to have you back," said Stewie who was holding a sign that said "Sorry for Your Loss, Meg." When he realized what the sign said he quickly flipped it over to say "It's good to have you back."

"Thanks. All of you," said Frank, "It's good to be back. And here's hoping that no more sudden surprises like that happens again."

"Speaking of surprises, Frank. There's Meg wants to tell you," said Lois.

"Are you ready?" Meg asked.

"What is it?" said Frank.

"I'm pregnant!" said Meg, "We're going to have a baby!"

Frank and Peter then stood there dumbfounded. Their eyes then rolled over and they both fell over backwards making a thud sound.

"Frank?" she asked.

Moments later, Frank wakes up and to see Meg looking at him.

"Meg? I had the most horrible dream," said Frank, "I dreamt that you told me you were having a baby."

"Frank! That wasn't a dream!" said Meg, "I'm REALLY pregnant! I took a pregnancy test this morning and it said that I'm pregnant."

"AAAAHHHH!" screamed Frank as he went unconscious again. Moments later, Frank wakes up and to see Meg looking at him.

"Meg? I had the most horrible dream," said Frank, "I dreamt that you-"

"FRANK STOP DOING THAT! I'M PREGNANT FOR REAL!" shouted Meg as she shook Frank.

Frank was about to go unconscious again, but Meg slapped him.

"Sorry," said Frank.

"Did you hear that, Peter?" asked Lois, "We're going to be grandparents!"

"Grandparent?!" said Peter as he was coming to, "But that makes me old!"

"Peter, you're 43!" said Lois, "You're already old."

"I don't know what to say," said Frank as he stood up, "I mean, I'm going to be a dad!"

"I know," said Meg, "At first I was scared at the thought of us being parents, but I think we can do it."

"You really want to have this baby?" asked Frank.

"Frank, it's not just a baby," said Meg, "This is the start of a family. OUR family."

"A family, huh? Alright, let's do it!" said Frank.

"Meg, I know that I said I became pro-choice when you were born, but I'm proud that you're willing to take responsibility in having a child," said Lois.

"Thanks," said Meg "But you know, I'm kind of scared though."

"Well, of course you should be scared," said Peter, "I mean, when you get to the 6th month of pregnancy you start to look like a balloon."

"Then you're ankles start to swell up," said Lois.

"And then you start getting stretch marks in your stomache and then there's the morning sickness," said Peter.

"And then there's the actual childbirth," said Lois, "Oh my god, it'll be THE single most painful experience in your entire life."

"I DON'T WANNA HAVE A BABY ANYMORE!" shouted Meg as she hugged Frank tightly, "I WANT AN ABORTION!"

"CAR CRASH WOUND! CAR CRASH WOUND!" shouted Frank as Meg let go of him, "Now, calm down! Like you said, we can go through this."

"But I'm scared!" cried Meg.

"Look, I'll be here with you when the time comes. I promise," said Frank.

"Thank you," said Meg.

"I almost forgot to tell you about-," said Peter before Frank gave him an angry look, "I'll be quiet."

"Oh, great another baby in the house," said Stewie, "This is gonna be suck so hard."

"Yeah, this'll be worse than the time I was Dr. Robotnik," said Peter.

**Flashback.**

Peter is at Green Hill Zone in Eggman/Robotnik's hovercraft. Keep in mind that Peter is dressed up as current day Eggman and not as old School Eggman or those gay AoSTH/SatAM Robotnik costumes.

"Now, Sonic the Hedgehog," Said Peter, "You will face the wrath of my new and improved Checker Wrecker Ball, now metal plated and completely covered with spikes!"

"You, um, you don't see anything wrong with this plan, do you?" asked Sonic.

"No. This plan is freakin' awesome," said Peter. As he lowered the ball, it plopped to the ground and pulled the Eggmobile down with it. Peter then rolled right out, all bloodied and stuff, "Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Oh Christ! DAMN GRAVITY!"

Sonic then proceeds to kick Peter in the balls and runs away at high speed laughing.

"OWWWWW! YOU C#NT! NO WONDER EGGMAN HATES YOU!" shouted Peter as he clutched his groin.

**End Flashback.**

"This'll be easy," said Frank, "I can be a dad. I can do it!"

(Five minutes later in the backyard...)

"I CAN'T DO IT MAN!" sobbed Frank as he downed another beer, "I CAN'T!"

"Frank, calm down" said Brian, "You're just overwhelmed with so many emotions at once over the news that you're breaking down."

"Damn cheapass condoms!" said Frank as he threw his beer across the yard.

"Are you telling me that you don't want to be a father?" asked Brian.

"I do, but I'm not ready!" said Frank, "I don't even have a job anymore! How the hell am I gonna support this baby?"

"Have you ever thought about starting your own business?" asked Brian, "I mean, you do know a lot out fixing cars. Maybe you should open an auto shop."

"Hey, you're right!" said Frank, "I should start my own business! I CAN do this! I CAN be a father! I CAN take care of my family! Thanks for the build of confidence, Brian."

"You're welcome," said Brian as Frank walked back into the house. He then notices that Frank left a few beer bottles, "Frank wait! You forgot your bee- ah forget it!" said Brian as he started to down the rest of Frank's beer.

"Frank, are you okay?" asked Meg.

"I'm fine," said Frank as he walked over to the phone and dialed a number, "I just need to call someone."

"Who?" asked Lois?

"My stepdad from my half older brother side of the family," said Frank as he waited for him to pick up. Sure enough, his father answered, "Hello, Dad? It's me Frank... Why didn't I come into work today? I quit! I told you yesterday! No I quit! You can't fire me because I quit! Anyway just shut up for a moment! I need to tell you something. Remember that girl that came over that one day? The one that needed to use the phone? Yes the 'moneyless ugly fat porker bitch!' Anyway, 2 weeks after that, we got together and then... SHUT UP! Anyway, and then 5 months after that we had sex and... DAD! SHUT UP! The point is, she's pregnant and I'm the dad... Uh huh... WHAT?! IT'S MY DESCISION! NO F#CK _YOU_!" And Frank harshly slammed the phone on the hook.

"What happened?" asked Peter.

"My stepfather just disowned me," said Frank.

"I'm so sorry," said Meg as she put a hand on his back.

"No, this is great!" said Frank upbeat, "Now I don't have to talk to that jackass ever again!"

(1 months later)

Frank had come home from the bookstore looking stressed and tired. Meg had come into the room. Now 1 months pregnant, her stomach had gotten a bit bigger and she wore maternity clothing.

"How was work today?" she asked.

"Terrible," said Frank, "I got shot after a customer complaint."

**Flashback**

At the bookstore, Frank is having a conversation with a black man who wore the stereotypical gangster attire (i.e. Doo rag, backwards baseball cap, saggy pants, etc.)

"We were able to give up is harry potter vol 7," said Frank, "But I needed to a resift."

"Say what?" said the black man.

"You see, vol 8 is not out yet. They have not arrive."

"Oh, that ain't right!"

"Sir, if you want, I can reserve vol 8 free of charge."

"That ain't gonna cut it, so I've got somethin' for ya," said the black man who reached into his shirt and pulled out... a ballpoint pen, "I'm gonna file a complaint."

The man calmly wrote on a piece of paper and placed it into the complaints' box.

"I'm sorry, man, but I'm just unsatisfied, you know?" he said.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," said Frank, "Take care."

"Yeah you too," said the man as he drove off.

**End Flashback**

"Then seconds later, some white guy ran up, shot me, and then stole all Steven kings books," said Frank, "Luckily I was wearing my bullet proof vest."

"Anyway, it's about time you got home," said Meg, "I need you to go to the store to get me some ice cream."

"But I just got home, and I was shot at!" said Frank, "I 'm exhausted. Make someone else do it."

"You don't have to yell at me!" said Meg as she was about to cry, "All I wanted you to do was buy me ice cream, but you have to be an ass about it. I'm pregnant and this is how you treat me? I thought you loved me!"

"Meg, stop crying," said Frank.

"Who's crying," asked Meg irritated, "Just because I'm a girl and you shout at me, I'm supposed to cry!?"

"But you were crying just a min-"

"SHUT UP! And why the hell are you still here?! Get me my ice cream already!"

"Okay, okay! Just don't yell at me anymore!"

"I'm sorry, honey," she said in a now calm manner, "I didn't mean to get mad like that. I'm just so emotionally and all. I love you."

"I love you too-"

"What the hell are you standing there for?!" she asked angrily, "I TOLD YOU TO GET MY F#CKING ICE CREAM! DON'T MAKE ME F#CK YOU UP!"

"Jesus, Meg! I hate it when you get on these mood swings!" said Frank, "You seem to get scary all of a sudden."

**Flashback.**

At the dinner table, everyone's having dinner when suddenly Peter spills salt on the table.

"DAMMIT DAD!" shouted Meg as she smashed her dinner plate on him making him fall unconscious.

**End Flashback.**

"Anyway, did you decide on what we're gonna name the baby?" asked Frank

"Well, if it's going- Wait? Didn't I ask you to get something for me?" asked Meg.

"No!" said Frank rather quickly.

"Oh, okay then. If it's going to be a boy, we'll call him Mickey," she said, "If it's a girl, we'll call her Nancy."

"Mickey? I'm not naming my son Mickey!"

"What's wrong with Mickey? I like Mickey!"

"Only if he's a mouse! I mean, who the hell names their kid Mickey nowadays? The bullies will probably just make him wear stupid red pants with bright yellow buttons and mouse and then make him dance and laugh like a retard. Also, I'm not so keen on Nancy either! Not sure why?"

"Fine! I'll just get a phonebook and we'll just pick the names by random," said Meg as she left the room. At the same moment, Peter came in.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" asked Peter.

"We're coming up with names for the new baby," said Frank, "One for a boy and one for a girl."

"What's up with that whole boy/girl thing?" asked Peter, "I mean you should just pick the boy's name first and if it does turn out to be a girl, you just get mad and pick the stupidest name you can think of and hate her for the rest of your life. That's what I did."

"Actually, it doesn't matter what the baby turns out to be," said Frank, "If it's a girl, I'm gonna love her just the same."

"Love her just the same?" asked Peter, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOIS! Lois c'mere! You've gotta hear this!"

"What is it, Peter?" asked Lois as she walked into the room.

"Frank, tell Lois what you just told me," said Peter.

"I said that it doesn't matter if the baby's a boy or girl," he said, "If it is a girl, I'll love her just the same."

Lois and Peter then broke into laughter after that.

"Is he serious?!" laughed Lois, "You're a man! No real man wants a girl for his first child! HAHAHAHA!"

Frank then rolled his eyes and left the room looking for Meg. Meanwhile Stewie's room, Stewie is getting frustrated over the lack of attention he's gotten for the last 6 months and is talking to Brian.

"Dammit! Dammit all to hell!" said Stewie, "Why the hell won't anyone pay attention to me?! It's always Meg's baby this and Meg's baby that! They're supposed to be listening to me rambling on about my evil plans for world domination and my quasi-homosexual lifestyle! Where's my attention?!"

"Stewie, you get enough attention already!" said Brian.

"Explain," said Stewie.

"You're the most popular character on Family Guy, you have your face plastered everywhere on Hot Topic and on Family Guy merchandise you're not even on saying 'Victory Shall Be Mine!', you always come up number one in fan polls, you have a DVD dedicated to you, your profile comes up first in the Family Guy video game instruction manual, you have so many episodes about you, you always get a lot of screen time because the audience is easily amused by an evil baby who cusses and Meg always gets screwed over because the writers focus most character development on _you_! You're just mad because the author is giving Meg time to shine and not you and it's bugging you because you always get what you want, but not now. End rant!" said Brian as he left the living room.

(AN: I actually think Stewie's funny. Sorry if this insulted Stewie fans.)

Stewie blinked for a moment before saying: "What the hell is a 'Family Guy?' That was just weird. Even weirder then the time I tried to pay a prostitute."

**Flashback**

Stewie is in a street corner with a prostitute.

"Say, how much for a hand job and a spanking. Oh and can I call you Brian while you're doing it?"

**End Flashback.**

At that very moment, Lois and Peter walks into the room.

"Stewie, you're becoming a big boy now," said Lois, "So that is why we're going to give you a new bed to sleep on. You're going to have to stop sleeping on the crib."

"What the deuce?" Stewie asked, "You can't take away my crib. My domain! My... how do hip hop people put it? Oh yes! My crib... yo!"

"Sorry Stewie, but the baby will be sleeping in the crib when _HE'S_ born," said Peter.

"I HEARD THAT!" shouted Frank from the other room.

"Also, you and the baby will be sharing this room," said Lois, "So please try to be nice."

She and Peter then left the room.

"Has she gone mad? First that baby steals all the attention away from me, then it steals my crib and now I have to share a room with it?!" said Stewie angrily, "Oh you have just made a powerful enemy, my friend. From the day after you are born, I shall make your life a living hell! Hmm hmm hmm! Ha ha ha ha ha! HAHAHAHAH! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! MWAHAHAHAH... Hack! Cough! Cough! Oh god! I think I just choked on my own saliva!

**Eight months later...**

The family were in the living room. Meg was now nine months pregnant.

Meg looked at herself. She seemed to realize what would happen soon, as did the rest of them. They all waited. Then, a dark patch of wet appeared on Meg's crotch.

Meg suddenly noticed that her family was giving her funny looks, as if they were confused about something.

"What are you looking at me like that?" asked Meg, a bit pissed.

"Meg…you…you're glowing!" said Frank.

"What?" said Meg before looking at her hand, which, indeed, were glowing with a pale blue shine? Then she felt a sharp pain in her pelvic region, and how her clothes wetted. "Oh my, my water broke!" shouted Meg.

(A/N: This time is not a dream, to make thing clear)

"Quickly, we must take her to a hospital!" said Frank.

"To a hospital?" said Brian. "Look at her! We can't let anybody out of this house to see her in this state!"

"And what are we going to do!?" said Frank.

"I guess that we must help Meg to give birth right here" said Lois. "Chris, heat up some water! Brian, bring clean towels! Matt, stay with Meg no matter what and support her!"

"What about me?" asked Peter?

"Peter, avoid doing anything stupid!" said Lois.

"I guess that's a challenge I can take" said Peter. "Hey, I have a crazy idea!" said Peter before grabbing an iron and pressed it against his hand "AAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Peter in pain. "Man, I must stop doing this stupid and probably self-destructive crap" said Peter before looking at the iron, and pressing it against his other hand. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Meg's shine was each time more intense.

"Meg, keep breathing!" said Matt.

"It hurts!" complained Meg.

"Meg, I know that it hurts, but you must be strong!" encouraged Lois. "Come on, sweetie, tonight the Griffin family will have a new member! Now, push when I told you to!" said Lois. "Now, push!"

"AAAAHHHHH!" screamed Meg.

Meg's shine was now so intense that looking at her was like looking directly into the sun. She also gave off heat. Frank and Lois were forced to step backwards.

"Frank! Mom!" cried Meg. "Don't leave me! I can't do this alone! AAAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed Meg again.

Then a huge flash of light filled the room, and a shockwave of light came from Meg, knocking backwards everybody, shattering the glasses of the windows. And after that, silence. But soon the silence was interrupted by a faint cry.

Lois then could stood up, gathering her remaining energies, and walked to Meg. She stopped form shining. She also saw something between her daughter's knees. It was the baby she just gave birth. Lois held it and wrapped it in a blanket.

'Come,' said Brian, in the same tones. 'We must drive to the hospital immediately.'

'No problem there!' yelled Peter, standing up. 'We'll take the Petanic!'

Het then ran outside and began to drive an enormous cruise ship with his face superimposed on the front down the street. There was then a loud crash and an 'OH MY GOD!' from Joe.

'Joe, I am so, so sorry. For the third time.' said Peter.

'Dammit, Peter! How can you pay for these ridiculous vehicles!' shrieked Joe.

Peter then walked back into the house.

'How about we just take the car?'

A while later, Meg was lying on a bed in the delivery ward, panting through a contraction. Frank was beside her, holding her hand.

'Congratulations, Mr. and Miss Mallque. It's a girl.'

The doctor wrapped the baby boy up in a red blanket and handed him to Meg. She wasn't crying anymore, just lying there with a happy expression. He had his father's spike black hair and blue eyes.

Meg looked at his son, his eyes watering. 'He looks just like you.' he said to Frank.

.'I know. He's so beautiful...I can't believe I have a son'.

"You gave birth to a hermaphrodite?" asked Peter, "That's just sick. "

"That's the umbilical cord, stupid," said Frank.

It's a boy," said Peter, "And that is one hell of a Wang. Yep, my grandson will be getting laid a lot."

"Yeah, Dad, it's a boy," said Meg.

"He looks so cute," said Lois.

"Can you believe it?" asked Meg, "Our love created this. The most precious thing on Earth."

"He is something, isn't he?" asked frank as he kissed Meg on her forehead.

"Have you decided what you're gonna name him?" asked Lois.

"I want to call her, Frank G Mallque Jr," said Meg, "If that's alright with you, Frank."

"Of course," said Frank, "It's a very good name. Frank G Mallque Jr Griffin."

"Don't you mean, Frank G Mallque Jr?" asked Meg.

"Oh, right," said Zack, "We got married yesterday in Vegas. I keep forgetting."

"Anyway, Frank Jr," said Lois, "I want you to meet someone when we get home..."

Zack and Meg then looked at each other uncertainly. They knew how Stewie was mad at Frank G Mallque Jr before he was born. They were afraid of how he would act now.

**Flashback ends!**

**Now back to the my brothers birthday chapter**

Today was a special day in the Griffin household. Peter, Frank, Chris, Brian, John and Tyler were in the living watching TV, when Lois walks into the room.

"Well, everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party." Lois said, "I can't believe he's almost a year old."

"Cool." Tyler said, "Seems like only yesterday that we were here."

Tyler then thinks back to a clip of the pilot, was cut off.

"Tyler, that was a few weeks ago." John informed Tyler.

"Oh." Tyler responded.

"Yeah, I'll never forget the day he was born."

"What was it like, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked.

It flashes back to the day of Stewie's birth. Peter was with Lois, who was in labor. He was in hospital attire while wearing a mask like the doctors.

"One more push, Lois." The doctor said. Lois groaned in pain from giving birth.

"This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin." The doctor informed Peter, "Would you like to have a look?"

"Yeah, you know, I've never actually seen a live baby... Oh, God!" Peter said in horror of what he saw and ran out of the room.

"Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy." The doctor announced as he handed Stewie to the nurse beside him, "Oh, wait a minute. I don't think we're through here."

"Oh, my God! Is it twins?" Lois asked in surprise.

"No, it's, um, a map of Europe." The doctor responded, folding the scroll to reveal a full map of Europe with X's on a few countries. While they were distracted, the newborn Stewie shifts his narrowed eyes suspiciously back and forth.

Cut backs to the present.

"I've just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner down at Cheese E. Charlie's." Lois informed Peter.

(A/N: I know it was pronounced as "Cheese Charlie's," but if you've seen a few episodes of The Cleveland Show, you can see that they pronounced it as "Cheese E. Charlie's" instead. That way, it's more like the restaurant it's parodying. Hope you guys understand.)

"What's Cheese E. Charlie's?" John asked.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard of a place like that before." Tyler said.

"It's cool, guys." Chris told John and Tyler, "They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win four quarters! I win every time!"

"Chris, I think that might've been the change machine." Tyler informed Chris.

"Oh." Chris replied, "I get to go, right?"

"Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do?" Peter asked Lois.

"Yeah, what's the problem at having the party here?" John agreed with Peter.

"Boys, this could be our last first birthday ever." Lois explained, "You know, when Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything."

It goes to another flashback, this time with a younger Lois preparing a cake for Meg's first birthday exhausted.

As she puts on the finishing touches on Meg's cake and pours punch in the cups, Peter barges in.

"Lois, you're not gonna believe this!" Peter announced in excitement, "Meg just said 'da-da!'"

"Her first words?" Lois exclaimed in surprise.

"Then she stood up all by herself and started walking'!" Peter also told her.

"Her first steps?" Lois exclaimed again, this time with joy.

"Yeah." Peter replied, before looking around the kitchen, "What the hell are you doing in here, anyway?"

Peter went back to where the party was thrown, leaving Lois alone in the kitchen. She looks down in disappointment at how she missed seeing what could've been one of the best things in her life as a parent.

Suddenly, drums are played in the other room, catching Lois' attention.

"Alright!" Peter exclaimed, "Her first drum solo." Everyone in there applauded.

"Oh, that's so sad, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said.

"Hey, are you being a smartass to my Mom, Tyler?" Frank asked Tyler offended.

"What? No. My ass isn't smart." Tyler responded, "If it was, it would do Chris's homework for him."

"Well, thanks to Cheese E. Charlie's, I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party." Lois said as Stewie in his diaper walked in.

"I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?" Stewie questioned, then clapped, "A little service here!"

"Hey, Stinky." Peter greeted Stewie, "Hey, have we got some big plans for you."

"Plans?" Stewie replied in confusion, "The devil are you talking about?"

"It's your birthday, dude." Chris told Stewie.

"Saturday's gonna be real special, honey." Lois said to Stewie, "I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right."

"A professional?" Stewie remarked, then gasped in horror, "There's treachery afoot." Stewie then scoured off.

"Huh, that's weird." John said.

"What?" Tyler asked.

"Sounded to me like he thought we meant something else." John theorized, "Oh, well."

Later in the evening, Peter, Frank and John were sitting on the front porch. Peter was having a slice of pie when Meg soon ran back home from school in tears.

"Meg, you're home late." Frank said.

"Yeah, what kept ya?" John asked Meg.

"I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading." Meg sobbed.

"Well, don't keep us in suspense." Peter responded in excitement, "How'd you do?"

"I'll give you a hint." Meg said, "I S-U-C-K-E-D! Sucked! Sucked!"

"Yay!" Peter hoorayed before realizing what she said, "Uh... Oh, I mean, sorry, honey."

"God, I hate high school." Meg lamented, "I don't fit in with anyone."

"Is it that bad?" John asked.

"Oh, boy, you have no idea." Frank informed him.

**Cutaway #1**

Frank was in a street gang, whom was finger-snapping, ala _West Side Story_. Unfortunately, Peter wasn't able to keep up with the others.

"Okay, man. Okay, you are really throwing me off." The head dancer said to Frank annoyed, "its step-kick, and step-twirl. Got it?"

"Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks." Frank said.

"Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're not." The head dancer replied, "From the top, people! Look, why don't you just hang back and stretch?"

Frank looked down in disappointment.

**End**

"I don't get it." Meg said, "The harder I try to make friends, the more people hate me."

"Listen, Meg, you're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own." Frank comforted Meg.

"What you should do is stop being someone you're not." Tyler advised.

"Really?" Meg asked.

"Yep." Tyler informed, "If people don't like you for who you are, then that's their problem."

"Yeah. I mean, besides, you and I are already friends, right?" John said.

"Yeah." Meg replied.

"Well, that's a start." John.

"Wow, it's so obvious." Meg exclaimed in realization.

"Thanks, daddy, Frank." Meg thanked Peter and gave a kiss on Frank's cheek.

"And thanks, guys." Meg then thanked John and Tyler as she hugged them.

"Hi, mom. Bye, mom." Meg greeted Lois, who was stepping outside, as she, John and Tyler walked into the house.

"Wow, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house." Lois acknowledged after seeing Meg's attitude.

**Cutaway #2**

Meg and Peter were sitting on the front porch when a bus reading "Hanson" suddenly stopped right in front of their house. Meg quickly stood up in excitement.

Three tan, blonde boys came out of the broken-down bus.

"Hi, can we use your phone?" One of them asked.

"Holy crap!" Peter exclaimed in horror as he also quickly stood up, "It's _The Children of the Corn_!"

Peter then got out a shotgun and began firing.

**End**

"Meg and I just had a little father-daughter talk, along with some talk from her friends." Peter told Lois.

"Well, it seems to have worked." Lois said.

"Hey, I wasn't just blowing smoke when we bought this t-shirts." Frank responded as he and peter lifted their shirt to reveal another shirt underneath reading, "#1 Dad. And "#1 husband."

"Well, you're the number-one husband, too." Lois replied.

"I know. That's why I bought this other t-shirt." Peter said as he lifted his other shirt to reveal yet another t-shirt underneath, this time reading, "No Fat Chicks." Frank looks peter shirt and quickly pulls it down when he realizes what it says. "Whoops."

Later that night, Frank Jr was asleep and Stewie was still up and was writing in his diary.

"'Dear Diary, it seems the domestic overseers are plotting against me." Stewie wrote in his diary, "Their plans somehow relate to the anniversary of my escape from the womb. I'm still haunted by the memories of how I was incarcerated in that amniotic Attica.'"

We go to yet another flashback of Stewie back when he was simply a sperm. However, the sperm portrayed here are actually a type of spacecraft, piloted by babies wearing helmets.

"'As I recall, it was every potential man for himself.'" Stewie wrote.

The sperm were heading straight for an egg cell. Stewie then began taking them out one by one.

"'I alone had reached the target objective, thanks to the peerless intrepidity I developed at testicular boot camp." Stewie wrote as his sperm then entered the egg, "But it was a trap! I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for nine grueling months.'"

Then it flashes forward to Stewie's developing fetus, writing something in his journal.

"'Day 171. I've sprouted another finger, counting the one from yesterday." Fetus Stewie wrote, then looked down at his feet, "I'm up to 11.'"

Then fast-forwards to a fully-developed Stewie in fetal position.

"'As the months of solitude passed, I began to go insane." Stewie narrated, "It seemed my prison cell was getting smaller and smaller. I was quite sure that soon I would be dead.'"

Just then, an exit opens sideways, emitting light from outside.

"'But then, a miracle! There was a light at the end of the tunnel.'" Stewie wrote, "'I rushed to freedom, but suddenly I was ambushed by a mysterious man in white!'"

Stewie soon realized something as he snapped out of his writing.

"The man in white." Stewie acknowledged in realization, "Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world and now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and..." Stewie gasped at what he thought up, "...put me back in the womb!"

"What?" Frank Jr said woke up

The next day at James Woods High, Meg was putting her stuff in her locker when all of a sudden.

"Boy, it sure is great being thin and popular." One of the cheerleaders said, who were just walking by.

"Let's go throw up." Another cheerleader suggested.

The others agreed with her.

"Hey, I love throwing up." Meg told them, hoping they'll let her in.

The cheerleaders then laugh and leave. Meg sighs in disappointment and closes her locker, only to get caught surprise by an unfamiliar face.

"Hi. I'm Jennifer." The girl introduced herself.

"Uhh, I'm Meg." Meg responded at first a little uneasy.

"Oh, my God. Your hair is so beautiful, I just want to brush it." Jennifer said gleefully admiring Meg's haircut.

"Really?" Meg asked. Jennifer gave a disturbingly big smile. "You wanna go throw up?"

Meanwhile, Peter, Frank, John, Tyler and Chris are at Cheese E. Charlie's.

"Hey, guys." Chris said to John and Tyler, "Let's go wack some moles!"

"Yeah!" John and Tyler said in unison.

"Now, now, boys, we're not here to have fun." Frank informed the boys as he soon turned his attention to the ball pit. John also had his attention to the same thing. Frank shrugs it off.

"Now your mom is counting on us to drop off the deposit." Peter explained as he, Frank and John took another gaze at the ball pit.

"So, uh, let's just deliver the check and, uh..." Peter said again, but gazes the ball pit yet again.

He, Frank and John then looked at each other, wondering about it.

"Go for it!" Tyler shouted.

The three then dashed toward the pit. John jumped in first.

"Hong Kong Phooey!" Peter shouted as he jumped in the ball pit last, splashing all the balls out and crushing John and Frank underneath.

"Where?" Tyler responded to Peter's phrase.

"Right here." An anonymous source to Tyler's left said. The camera turned to who said it and, sure enough, Hong Kong Phooey was actually there, much to Tyler's surprise. Hong Kong Phooey then, for no reason, karate-chopped a nearby table in half.

The guys then try out the arcade room, where a sign showed a man with signs of being on drugs was posted, reading, and "You must be at least this high to ride."

"Don't they mean 'this tall' to ride?" Tyler asked Peter as he took his off the sign to think about. When he looked at the sign again, it was completely different. This time, it read "Must be at least this **tall **to ride." Tyler then has a look of surprise on his face after seeing it.

"Yeah! Come on! Oh, go, yeah! Eat my dust!" Chris chanted as he was playing a racing game called _Virtual Indy 500 __while _Frank cheer him on, while John and Tyler were playing _Pac-Man _and _Galaga _and Peter next to them was playing another game called _Frogger Stuck behind a Bus_. "Come on, move it! Come on, oh, man!" Peter said out in frustration at playing the game, "Guys, this place is great. Hey, pull over, you bastard!"

Next, Peter was playing a claw machine, hoping to get a prize, but missed.

"Aw, man." Peter exclaimed in disappointment. He then gets an idea, which he has his hand in the machine and tries to snag one of the prizes inside.

"Hey, Mr. Griffin." Tyler shouted to Peter as he quickly got his hand out, "They even got games in the bathroom."

"Look, I won a balloon!" Chris said as he held up what appeared to be an uninflated balloon to Peter, but we all know what it actually is for those who saw the actual episode.

"Eh, way to go, Chris." Peter congradruated Chris as he looked at his wrist, "He-Hey, where's my watch?"

"Alright. I won a watch." A boy by the machine said, holding Peter's watch, "What's _The Dukes of Hazards_?"

"Hey, that's mine." Peter exclaimed, "Hey, come on. Come on, give that back!"

Peter tried to snatch the watch away from the boy, but the boy keeps straining him from doing so.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Tyler chanted at Peter.

"Folks in Hazzard Country hadn't seen a watch fight in a long time." Uncle Jesse from _The Duke of Hazzard_ narrated, "Them boys' rassled for a full five minutes before the manager stepped in to tell Tyler to stop chanting 'Fight!'".

"Hands off, fatty!" The boy backed off Peter, then ran off with the watch.

"Get him!" Peter pointed and told the nearest person there.

"I got him!" Tyler responded as he zoomed off toward the kid. Tyler catches him.

"Wait a minute, that's the wrong one." Peter informed Tyler.

"Oh." Tyler exclaimed, realizing that as the real kid got away, "Oh, well, he's gone."

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you and your party to leave." The manager informed Peter.

"Hey, I'm a paying customer." Peter told the manager, "Look, I got a deposit check for my kid's birthday party right here..." Peter then digged deep into his pockets, but wasn't able to find the check in neither one. "Hey, where the hell is it?"

"You mean this?" Tyler asked Peter as he held up the check.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot I gave it to you for safe keeping." Peter acknowledged, "Hey, thanks."

"Oh, Mr. Griffin." The manager acknowledged, "Oh, I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day."

"Well, now I don't know." Peter said to the manager, "After the emotional trauma I've-"

"What trauma?" John asked.

"Play along." Peter whispered.

"Oh." John replied.

"After the emotional trauma I've endured on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount." Peter repeated what he was going to say before Tyler interrupted the first time.

"Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office." The manager informed Peter.

"Well, then we'll go to the corporate office!" Tyler announced, "As soon as I know what a corporate office is and where it is. Whichever one's faster."

"Or maybe I'll just take my business elsewhere." Peter threatened the manager, "Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday."

Suddenly, parents were swarming the manager, asking for open positions.

"I got cash!" A man said.

"I'll take it!" A woman said.

"Suite yourself." The manager replied to Peter's threat earlier.

"Probably shouldn't have said that." Tyler remarked.

"Uh, wait. W-Wait, he was just bluffing." Frank begged to the manager, "My mom has her heart set on this place." Frank then yells after him.

"Chris, this is a big day for you." Peter told Chris, "The day you become the man of the house."

"Why?" John and Tyler asked Peter.

"Because when we get home, Mrs. Griffin is going to kill me."

Frank then noticed Tyler holding a shovel.

"Hey, what's with the shovel?" Frank Jr asked.

"To help dig your pops grave." Tyler replied.

"Oh, right." Peter said.

Back at the house, Stewie was still in his crib, recalling his supposed discovery last night.

"So the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, is he?" Stewie questioned, "Well, if I'm to defeat him, I shall acquire professional forces." Stewie then pulled out an issue of _Soldier of Fortune_ from the side of his crib.

"Yes, here we are." Stewie said as he began reading the magazine, "'Come to Managua, the Mecca of mercenaries.' I must prepare for my journey."

Stewie put the magazine down and pulled out a red backpack from another side to put everything he needs in the bag for his "trip."

"Let's see, grenades," Stewie checked as he put them in, "mace, baggie full of Cheerios."

Peter and the boys return home, where Lois was sitting at the couch with Brian, who was reading an issue of _Doggy Style_.

"So, are we all set are Cheese E. Charlie's?" Lois asked Peter.

"Not exactly..." Tyler said uneasily.

"What do you mean?" Lois asked.

"Well, tell her, Mr. Griffin." Tyler pointed to Peter.

"Oh, uh, actually, I cancelled the reservation." Peter admitted.

"What?!" Persephone and Lois expressed as she jumped up from the couch.

Peter gave a nervous chuckle.

"Peter, how could you?" Lois questioned Peter.

"Lois, I got a very good reason." Peter reasoned.

"Oh, wait a second." Frank and Brian halted as they walks out and brings a chair in, "These are always classic."

"Lois, that Cheese E. Charlie's is no good." Peter claimed, "See, it happened like this."

Unlike the real episode, however, it showed only a black title card that read, "Do you really want me to add Peter's story into this fanfic? If you did, well, then I'm sorry, but it's not gonna happen." written in white.

Though it does cut to the part where Peter just escapes from his restraining chair as the Incredible Hulk and getting cut off by Lois.

"Alright, Peter." Lois stopped Peter, "That's enough!"

It cuts back to Peter, Lois, Frank, John, Tyler and Brian, whom was clapping slowly.

"Bravo, Peter." Brian mocked Peter, "You're the Spalding Gray of crap."

"I'll go get your grave ready." Tyler said as he left the room.

Peter, do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheese E. Charlie's?" Lois questioned Peter sternly, "I had to book it on the day of my ultrasound. We'll never find another place in time!"

As Lois was arguing with Peter, John saw Stewie climbing down the window using suction cups. However, one of the cups gets stuck and causes Stewie to crash on the ground. Tyler comes back in the living room, covered in dirt.

"Grave's dug." Tyler announced, "I did find some weird stuff down there."

"What did you find?" John asked.

"These." Tyler said as he pulled out seven diamond-shaped gems in his hands, "Cool, huh?"

"Yeah." John replied, "Wait. Where underground did you happen to come across these?"

"Uhhhh..." Was all Tyler could say?

**Cutaway #3**

Tyler is actually digging a grave for Peter, but ends up going deep underground instead. Eventually, he pops out of the ceiling of a large, hot cavern. That place was actually Hell. Demons were roaming every territory and people being tortured.

"Oh, geez!" Tyler exclaimed as he soon turned his attention to the floor, "Hey. What's that?"

On the floor were the same gems, now in an open crate. They were blue, green, red, yellow, silver, cyan and purple. Tyler then decided to snatch the gems and is almost caught by the demons. Tyler returns to the surface with the gems in hand. What about the demons chasing him, you may ask? Well, Tyler took care of that by plugging the bottom of the hole with a cliché cartoon cork.

**End**

"For once, it was all going to be so perfect." Lois sulked.

"Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect." Peter said, trying to cheer up Lois, "We'll give him the best birthday ever, right here in the safety and comfort of our own home."

"Peter, we've been over this." Lois reminded Peter.

"Mom, you won't have to lift a finger." frank reasoned.

"Yeah, he got a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass piñata, you name it!" Tyler said aiding frank, "Though probably not a petting zoo. Maybe. Emphases on the maybe."

"You got all those things?" Lois asked in amazement.

"You bet we did." Peter assured Lois.

"Huh?" Tyler exclaimed in confusion.

"Wow. Even Cheese E. Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo." Lois acknowledged, "Okay, I'll call the parents and tell them the party's here." Lois then left to do as she said.

As soon as Lois was out of the room, Brian confronted the three, "You all don't have any of those things."

"How do you know?" Peter questioned.

"Peter, face it." frank said, "You're a terrible liar."

**Cutaway #4**

Peter goes in an elevator with a random man. Everything seems normal, but the man soon smells something that stinks. He turns to Peter.

"Uh." Peter said, "It was you!"

**End**

"You know, clowns and petting zoos book months in advance." Brian explained, "You're all gonna have a tough time finding a... Oh, hold on." Brian said as a tiny man in a speeding stage wagon passed him. Brian then chased after it to the kitchen. It phased through inside a bottom cabinet and Brian opens to find a bag of dog food. Brian closes it in disappointment at not being able to catch the stagecoach. "Ugh. Some day."

"Guys, I think Brian's right." John told Peter and Tyler, "Maybe we should just think of something else."

"What?" Peter exclaimed, "And let Stewie's party be ruined? No way."

"Well, we still have a cake and a petting zoo to worry about." Tyler reminded Peter, "What's the plan, Mr. Griffin?"

"Easy. It's..." Peter said as he whispered into Tyler's ear.

Meanwhile at the Quahog Airport, Stewie was about to start his "journey" when he walks up to the female worker behind the counter.

"Well, hey there, little boy." The female worker said to Stewie, "Are you lost?"

"Now, listen here... 'Jolene.'" Stewie negotiated with the woman as he read her nametag, "I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! God help you if I find pickles."

"Henry, I have a lost little boy." "Jolene" said to the man next to her.

"Well, hey there, little fella." The pilot greeted Stewie, "Why don't you come with me?"

"No! Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you?" Stewie cursed as he was picked up and taken with the man, "What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women... Men?"

Back in town, Peter, Frank, John and Tyler were at a plain, where Peter had a leaf blower on.

"Uh, what are we doing here again, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Pigs, Tyler." Peter told Tyler, "We're getting pigs for Stewie's petting zoo."

"Oh." Tyler replied.

Peter turns on the leaf blower and blows down a house made of straw. The resident living inside it, a pig, then retreats to the nearest house around. The house it retreated into was one this time made of sticks, which Peter blew away easily as the house's residential pigs run away now into a house of brick, leaving Peter in a fix.

"Crafty swine." Peter muttered under his breathe.

"Now what, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked.

"I got this." John said as he took his fist out.

Peter stopped him and knocked on the door. "UPS" Peter lied, which got the door to open, "Heh. See? Little bastards ain't as smart as- AAAHHH!" Peter exclaimed as he got hit by a paint can attached to a swinging wire.

At the Griffin house, Frank Jr was drawing himself as a super hero, Brian was making himself a sandwich and Lois and Persephone was at the table writing out invitations to Stewie's birthday. Meg then walked in.

"Hi, Mom, Persephone." Meg greeted Persephone, "This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home."

"Meg, you made a friend." Lois congratulated her daughter.

"What a lovely house, Mrs. G." Jennifer complimented, "Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Steward."

"Oh, no." Lois said flattered, "Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice."

"You know what's nice?" Jennifer asked, "Having a friend like Meg. And kittens. It was super swell meeting you. Bye, Meg. Friends forever."

"Forever and ever." Meg said.

They then shared a giddy laugh and Jennifer left the house.

"Wow! What a great yard!" Jennifer then complimented.

"Guess what, mom?" Meg asked Lois, "Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday."

"This Saturday?" Lois exclaimed in concern, "Meg, you can't Miss Stewie's first birthday."

"But mom-" Meg said.

"Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party and that includes you. Understood?" Persephone sternly informed Meg.

"I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter!" Meg said to Lois upset, then stormed off.

"She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?" Brian remarked."

Lois gasped in shock at what she thought Brian called Meg.

Then Frank Jr got out of his chair and slap Brain Like a BITCH!

"WHAT, I said 'runt.'" Brian claimed.

Peter and Tyler then stopped at a place called "Exotic Entertainment," where Peter was talking to the clerk inside.

"I, uh, I don't think me and my friend are in the right place, uh..." Peter said.

"We're looking for someone to entertain some little kids for his son's birthday." Tyler told the performance artist, "So, what can you do?"

"Well, I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe." The performance artist said.

"Can you do anything else?" Tyler asked.

"Oh, yeah, I can make pretend like the little children are little bugs in my web." The performance artist responded.

"We're just gonna get outta here, right now." Tyler told the clerk as he and Peter slowly stepped back and then dashed out of the shop.

Meanwhile, Stewie was still at the airport. He was in a room with the man who brought him there.

"Do you know your phone number, son?" The man asked Stewie.

"The only way you'll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture." Stewie talked back, "And I don't think you've got the grapes."

"Oh, it sounds like you don't want to go home." The man said surveying Stewie's attitude, "Are you running away?"

"Steward Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing!" Stewie shrugged.

"You know, son, running away never solves anything." The man said, "You're getting to be a big boy now and part of growing up means facing your problems head on."

"Mmm, the ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom." Stewie remarked, "You're saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it."

"As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!" Stewie said to the man as he pulled out another of his own weapons and blast a beam of carbonite at the man, freezing him in a giant chunk of carbonite. Stewie then runs off.

Peter, Frank, John and Tyler were sitting glumly on the front porch, then Brian stepped outside.

"Well, Peter, you, John and Tyler only got a couple of hours left." Brian informed Peter, "If you're gonna pull a party out of your ass, you might wanna stand up."

"I'll back up if you do." Tyler said.

"Same here." John followed.

"Dad, my friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with a binch of her friends." Meg asked Peter as she stepped out, "Can I go?"

"Whoa, I'm not fallen' for this trick." Peter said sternly, "Did you ask your mother?"

"Yes." Meg said annoyed.

"Okay, then." Peter replied, "Have fun, sweetheart."

"Thanks, daddy." Meg thanked Peter gleefully and left.

"Jesus Christ, pops. "Frank yelled

"Way to go, Mr. Griffin." John remarked.

"Yeah, nice work." Tyler agreed.

"Aw, guys, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck." Peter admitted, "The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass piñata." He pointed to, literally, a piñata that looked like a big ass.

"Whew, sure hope candy comes out of that." Brian acknowledged.

"Wish we'd got a normal piñata." Tyler agreed.

"Face it, guys. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a spiny dresser."

"I'm not sure about that last one." Tyler said.

"I'll never be able to face Lois." Peter said in defeat.

"Well, the circus is in town." Brian suggested, "Maybe you could run away and join it."

"Yeah, you be a big attraction. We'll make millions!" Tyler shouted as he was then dressed as a ringmaster, but another ringmaster steps in.

"Sorry, kid, but we already got that attraction." The ringmaster informed Tyler.

"Well, then I guess we need plan B." Tyler said as he took off his ringleader outfit.

"Wait, the circus!" frank realized.

Somewhere downtown, Peter and frank was behind an alley, waiting for the marching band to come by. They looks around on what to do, then sees a sign and gets an idea, to which they takes the sign.

The marching band was now coming to theirs direction. Peter then held the sign reading, "Parade route," waiting for the band leader to come by. As soon as he does, "Now" was what Frank shouted and out of nowhere John knocked the leader out and he and Peter dragged him into the alley. Peter then came out as the band leader with Frank and John beside him. They then began leading the circus to their house.

Back at the house, Stewie's party had already started.

"Hi." One of the parents said, "This is the right, isn't it?"

"Oh, yes." Lois assured, "Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party. Heh. I hope."

"Whoa!" Tyler shouted in excitement.

Peter, Frank and John arrive not a moment too soon as they came in riding an elephant.

"Hey, Lois, look." Peter said, "The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big, fat, white guy who's threatened by change."

"Oh, Peter." Lois responded in joy, "This is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined."

"Yeah." Peter replied.

"Hey, where's Stewie?" John asked.

"Upstairs, doing who-knows-what." Tyler answered.

Inside his room, Stewie was training for his supposed encounter with the "man in white." He was doing a few taichi stretches before tying his baby bottles together to use as nunchuks.

"I'll go get him." Lois said, "If one of you see Meg, tell her to take lots of pictures."

"Oh, uh, Meg's not here." John said.

"She went to some weird kid's house." Tyler said after.

"What?" Lois exclaimed, "She's gonna Miss Stewie's birthday."

"Yeah, I dropped her off an hour ago." Peter said, "Boy, is she gonna be sorry or what?"

"Oh, Peter, how could you let her go?" Lois asked.

"Geez, what's the big deal?" Peter wondered, "So Meg's with her new friends, they seem like a nice bunch of kids."

"I don't know, they seem kind of weird." Persephone remarked, "Like they're in a cult or something."

As Persephone mentions the word "cult," it soon cuts to the inside of a house, where it was filled with kids who wore the same jogging suit as Meg's new friend, Jennifer.

"I'm so glad you could join us, Meg." Jennifer said to Meg, "We're gonna have a great time on our trip."

"A trip?" Meg asked confused, "Like, to the beach? 'Cause I didn't bring my bathing suit."

"Oh, you won't need anything for where we're going." Jennifer insured, "Excuse me. I gotta go mix the punch."

Jennifer went to the punch bowl at the table and then placed a box full of harmful substances labeled "Heaven's Helpers Youth Cult." She then began adding various poisons into the punch, such as cyanide, arsenic and rat poison. She also then drops a book into the punch, which floats back up revealed to be Paul Reiser's _Couplehood._

Back at the party, Stewie was surveying the area in binoculars and a sailor suit.

"Hey, birthday dude." Frank Jr and Chris said to Stewie, "You want some ice cream?"

"Ice cream!" Tyler shouted.

"Huh?" Chris said as he looked to his right.

Tyler jumped on top of him.

"Yes, but no sprinkles." Stewie replied, "For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill both of you!"

"But if it's one sprinkle, we'll both be dead." Frank Jr said.

"Dammit." Stewie yelled.

John was about to enter the house, when he heard Peter talking to Lois.

"Oh, come on, Lois." Peter said, "I hate to see you so upset. Look, we got animals. We got clowns. I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus Himself showed up."

**Cutaway #5**

The cutaway is that of the Wedding of Cana, beginning where they have just found out they're out of wine.

"What do you mean we have no more wine?" The master asked.

"I checked. We're all out." One of the servants told him.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to cancel the wedding." The master said.

It then goes to two of the wedding guests.

"Hey, I just heard over at the entree table that they're out of wine and are planning to cancel the wedding." The guest on the right said to the guest at the left.

"What, because of a shortage of wine?" The left guest responded, "That's a little too much, don't you think?"

"Are you forgetting something important here?" The right guest reminded his friend, "Every wedding's gotta have wine. Otherwise, what's the point?"

"Oh, right." The left guest replied.

"Well, I guess we should probably get out of here right now, huh?" The right guest said.

The camera turns its attention to one of the jars full of water. A hand comes out and touches the edge of the jar. The camera then turns back to the master and his servants.

"Oh, hey, hold on, let me just get a drink of water first." The left guest told his friend as he went to the same jar that was touched, "I don't wanna leave on an empty stomache."

He then took a scoop of the "water" and had a sip. Then his widened in amazement.

"Hey, we do have more wine!" The guest acknowledged, "Hey, Gary, quick! Tell everyone that there's wine over here!"

The man's friend rushed off to do as he told him.

The camera then turns to the jar again, this time with Jesus standing next to it, proud of what He did for them. He then winked at the screen.

**(A/N: I know it's not the actual cutaway Peter set up in the episode, but I thought since I'm practically a Christian, maybe this should be it instead. Hope you like it.)**

**End**

"Peter, the circus is terrific." Lois affirmed to Peter, "But it's not just Stewie's birthday. We're also celebrating the day our family became whole. Today means nothing if Meg isn't here."

After hearing all that, John couldn't help but feel sorry.

At the house the cult was using, Meg was sitting with Jennifer. Jennifer then took notice of Meg's glum look.

"Meg, you seem sad." Jennifer remarked, "Today's a happy day."

"I know. It's just that..." Meg said as she paused a bit embarrassed, "Well, I really like that guy over there. But he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm a total dog."

"Oh, that is so not true." Jennifer shrugged it off.

"Then what is it?" Meg asked.

"He's a eunich." Jennifer answered.

"Really?" Meg asked again curious.

"Sure." Jennifer responded, "All the guys here have been castrated. It's cool."

"Hey, do you think that girl is hot?" A boy asked another.

"No." The other boy said.

"Me neither." The boy who asked first responded.

Then they gave each other a high five.

Back at the house, the party was still going.

Brian was standing around having a drink.

"Hey, you. Hit me." Brian said to a clown as the clown sprayed water in his cup and walked away, "There. Now if I can just find a midget with some gin, I'll be in business."

"Hey, Brian." Tyler said as he and Frank Jr walking up to Brian, "Cool party, huh?"

"Yeah, cool party. Hey, listen, uh, you wouldn't happen to find a midget with a little gin on him, did you?" Brian asked.

"No, but I did meet a ninja with vodka." Frank Jr said as he showed behind him a ninja with a vodka bottle.

"Close enough." Brian muttered.

John walked by them and was about to leave when Brian stopped him.

"Hey, where are you off to, sport?"

"I'm going to go bring Meg back to the party to help Mrs. Griffin." John informed Brian, "You wanna come along?"

"Naw, that's alright." Peter said walking up, "You can come with me."

"Are you gonna bring Meg back, too?" John asked.

"Yeah, I gotta make things right for Lois and get this monkey off my back." Peter explained and turned around to reveal he literally had a monkey on his back, "Ow! Knock it off! Hey! Hey!"

"I'll help you, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said as he held up his hand and suddenly an energy blast came out, but missed Peter, "Whoa!"

"What the heck was that?" John asked.

"I-I don't know. All I did was..." Tyler said as he accidentally blasted more energy.

"Well, have long have ya had that?" Peter asked.

"I guess just now." Tyler suggested, "I'll stay here so I don't hurt no one."

"Good idea." John said as he and Peter left.

Stewie was with a few other babies when he witnessed Tyler's new ability, which he soon learned was from the gems Tyler was carrying in his pockets.

"Fascinating." Stewie remarked, "It appears one of the provider's henchmen have found objects of possibly unlimited power. This could be useful in my confrontation with the man in white."

He then turned his attention to the babies behind him.

"All right, men, the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb." Stewie informed his "troops, "Today he comes for me, but tomorrow it could be you!" Stewie then pointed at one of them.

"Or you!" Stewie said as he pointed at another baby, which then fell over its side.

"I offer you the opportunity to join me at retrieving those gems to use in glorious battle. I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me?"

The only thing one of them could respond to Stewie was, "Duckie."

"Ugh! Useless, everyone of you!" Stewie reacted frustrated, "Fine. I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!" Stewie then stopped as he shook a little, "There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?"

Meanwhile, back at the cult's gathering, a gong rang and everyone, except Meg, then got excited.

"Oh, our leader is here to take us on our journey!" Jennifer acknowledged in excitement.

The kids gathered to nearby doors that opened to show the cult's leader, who was also in a blue jogging suit.

"My children, rejoice." The leader announce, "The hour of transformation is close at hand."

He then spotted Meg. "Who are you?" He asked her.

"This is Meg, wise one." Jennifer told her master, "Can she come with us?"

"Perhaps." The leader replied, "Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment and a heart that seeks purity?"

"Well..." Meg said, "Not really."

"Okay." The leader responded at Meg's answer, "Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?"

"Wow, that sort of sounds like me." Meg replied as she was still oblivious to what was really going on.

"Great!" The leader remarked, "Then all you need is a dark-blue jogging suit. Let's see what we have in stock. What are you? About a 9?"

"No." Meg said flattered, "A 6."

The leader had a look of doubt in his face after hearing it, "Hehehe, right." He replied, "Dispense the refreshments."

Jennifer then poured some punch in a cup and handed Meg her serving.

"There you are, Meg." John said as she was about to take a sip of her drink, but noticed John here, "Hey, frank, Mr. Griffin, I found her."

"Frank, what are you, dad and John doing here?" Meg asked, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed I could die!"

"Hey, hey, not before the rest of us." One of the kids said.

"Meg, your mother wants the family together today." Peter informed Meg.

"Ugh, it's just Stewie's birthday. So what if I'm not there." Meg shrugged, "Who's gonna remember?"

"Your mom will, trust me." frank responded, "She remembers everything. In fact, she always says the best memories she has are when you kids were born."

Peter turned away and then realized.

"Oh, geez, Meg, that's it." Peter said, "This day is more for your mom than it is for Stewie. Oh, with all she's given us, she ought to get whatever she wants."

"I think what your dad's trying to say is that she wants you to be with the family." John said to Meg.

"Really?" Meg asked feeling guilty as she soon hugged her father, "Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever."

"Oh, no you're not, honey." Peter cheered Meg up, "What about that fat girl from the Judd's?"

"I'm sorry I've been so selfish." Meg apologizes.

"I miss my mom." One of the kids confessed.

Everyone else in the room agreed.

"I also miss my nads." One of them said.

"Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too?" One of the kids asked Peter.

"Sure." frank replied, "The more the merrier."

"Meg, you have the coolest family." Jennifer told Meg.

"She sure does." Peter agreed as he got a serving of the punch and proposed a toast, "Hey, here to family!"

"To family!" Everyone toasted.

As Peter was about to have a sip of the punch, he looked at his watch, "Aw, jeez, look at the time!" Peter exclaimed, "Come on!" Peter pulled Meg away before she could sip the punch, saving her life in the process.

"Come on, kids." Peter called to the kids in the party, "Let's get going."

Soon, loud thudding noises were heard as Peter looked at them surprised.

"Oh, sorry, Meg." Peter apologized to Meg, "I guess that's another bunch of people that'd rather fake their deaths than go to a party with you."

The cult leader then came back holding a blue jocking suit.

"Children, the time of ascension has arrived." The leader announced as he soon found the now lifeless bodies on the floor, "Oh, for the love of God, haven't any of you been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me." After that, he sees Meg in the car going home with her father and John.

"Come back, Meg!" The leader called out as he dashed off toward her, "Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe."

Meanwhile, the party was almost over and everyone was about to leave.

"Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cake." Lois said disappointed

"Yeah." Tyler agreed.

"Right here!" Meg said as she appeared holding the cake.

"Meg!" Lois exclaimed excitedly.

"I'm sorry, mom." Meg apologized to Lois as they hugged.

"Oh, thank you, frank and Peter." Lois thanked Peter.

"Hey, no problem." frank responded, "And John helped out, too."

"Is that true?" Lois asked John.

"Yeah." John replied, "I heard about what you said about this party not meaning anything without Meg and I kind of wanted to help out."

"Oh, that is the most wonderful thing you've ever did." Lois said as she hugged John in gratitude, "Thank you very much."

"Yeah, well, you guys carry on." John said about to walk away, "Come on, Tyler."

"Wait, John, don't you want to join us?" Lois asked.

"No, it's okay, Mr. Griffin." John responded, "This is for the family, not us."

"Yeah, we've been enough of a bother for one day." Tyler said.

"Boys, don't you see?" Lois informed them, "You are a part of the family."

"Really?" John and Tyler said in unison.

"Of course." Lois insured, "I mean you've both done so much for us and it's all because of that that we accept you into our own. Do you at least see that?"

Yeah, I guess I do." John admitted, "Tyler? Don't you have anything you want to say?"

Tyler, however, had only a blank expression on his face. Then after a few seconds, he gave a smile.

"I'm glad you finally see that, boys." Lois said herself having accepted John and Tyler into her and her family's life, "Now how about we have some cake?"

"Great, I can't wait to taste this cake." Peter said, "The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic."

"What now?" John and Tyler both asked in unison a bit shocked and surprised.

"Peter, there's a naked man on this cake." Lois acknowledged in disgust.

"Why would buy that kind of cake for own one-year-old son's birthday party?" John questioned, "What are you, sick?"

"Hey, sorry, this was the only cake we could get." frank argued, "Besides, there were only two left."

"I know I'm going to regret this, but what was the other cake?" Tyler asked with a slight sense of worry.

"Uh, trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples." Peter warned Tyler.

"Ugh! Okay, that's a disturbing image." Tyler shuttered, "I think I'm gonna be scarred for life for that."

"How about you come with me and get Stewie?" John insisted.

"Good idea." Tyler agreed, "Before I hear more disturbing things."

"Well, gather round, everyone." Lois told the party guests, "Once John and Tyler come back, it's time for Stewie's big moment."

The cult leader was outside the front yard of the house and ran toward the door. He knocked and the door opened just slightly.

"Hello?" The leader asked. "Is anybody home?"

Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind him, catching him by surprise. As he tried to go further, he heard scurrying noises from behind, making him more intense.

"Greetings, man in white." Stewie's voice was heard, "I've been expecting you."

"Who said that?" The leader asked in fear.

"Peek-a-boo! I see you!" Stewie's voice teased the man.

The leader turned to find a closet with a mirror on the front.

He then walked toward it.

"You're getting warmer." Stewie teased again.

He opened it and found a baby moniter hanging from the pole

"Where are you?" The man asked in fear, "What do you want?"

"Freedom!" Stewie responded through the moniter, "What do you want?"

"I want to get the hell out of here!" The cult leader shouted.

"Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that." Stewie informed him, "I'm afraid all we have left is an untimely death."

The leader turned as he still saw nothing else in the closet and closed the door, only to find Stewie's reflection in the mirror, which caused the man to turn around.

"What the hell is this?!" The leader exclaimed in confusion and fear.

"It's a boy!" Stewie answered as he pointed his ray gun toward him.

Just as Stewie was about to fire, John and Tyler came in and witnessed it.

"Hey, Stewie." Tyler called, "Time to have some cake."

"What the?" John exclaimed as he and Tyler both found Stewie threatening the man's life, "Hey, what are you do- Stop!"

John and Tyler then ran toward him and grabbed the gun away. They were now holding Stewie firmly.

"Alright, just what were you planning on doing to this here? Huh?" John questioned Stewie, "Tell me."

Stewie then remembered the gems in Tyler's pocket and reached out and tried to take one, but as soon as he touched one, it glowed and gave a powerful shockwave that pushed everyone back against the wall. It also blew back the gun Stewie was holding and triggered a laser to fire at the cult leader, who was just lying there.

Outside the house, an energy pulsing noise was heard, though no one seemed to notice.

"Hey, are John and Tyler still in the house?" Peter asked.

"Yeah. Where are they?" Meg asked.

John and Tyler then came out straining Stewie in their arms.

"Victory shall be mine!" Stewie said struggling to get out of John and Tyler's arms.

"Yes. And this cake is yours, too." Lois said affectionately to Stewie as she picked him up from John and Tyler's hands and brought him to the cake.

"Are you kidding me?" John remarked.

"Guess not." Tyler said, "Oh, well, cake!" Tyler dashed toward the table with everyone else. John joined them shortly.

"Stewie, make a wish." Tyler informed Stewie, "Blow out the candles and it'll come true-" Tyler then realized something obvious about this, "Wait."

"That's right, little buddy." Frank said to Stewie, "What do you want most in the whole world?"

"The whole world, you say?" Stewie acknowledged.

In his head, Adolf Hitler was giving a speech in Germany, which was then followed by whistling sounds of bombs falling were heard, as well as marching of troops, artillery going off and some explosions. John and Tyler were crossing theirs together, hoping Stewie would think differently.

"Oh, what the hell." Stewie remarked as he blew out the candle and a flash of light shined.

However, instead of what seemed like an endless war was now a disco, much to John and Tyler's surprise. Everyone, including John and Tyler, were dressed in disco attire. Actually, Tyler looked more like Elvis. Then some strange music from japan, was play

_The password is afro and sergeant. _

Frank, Peter, Lois, Meg, Persephone, Chris, Brian and stewie were beating their chest to the beat, until Frank Jr appeared left saluting then a bored Frank Jr on the right and at last Frank Jr looking pests in the front until fire sign appeared.

_Afro! Sergeant! 3, 2, 1, Fire!_

Frank Jr moving his arms and legs side to side to a disco beat on the left, then front to back moving his right arm and left arm forward and back with his leg moving one side to the other on the right until Frank Jr does a twirl.

_Afro Sergeant! The Afro Sergeant has an afro!  
>Afro Sergeant! The Afro Sergeant has an afro!<em>

Peter and Lois were doing the same first routine, then moving their hips side to side. Frank Jr was moving his arms side to side then himself side to side

_Do not pull it roughly. Do not touch it with your fingers.  
>Don't come any closer! Don't play with it! Don't touch it!<em>

Then a Frank Jr statue appear sideways spinning around slow like to the beat.

_Smolder Smolerin', Shave Shavin', baby.  
>Bushy Bushy (Crumple Crumple) Hairy Hairy!<br>It's a tough battle, but first we'll eat first!_

Then Frank was holding his headphone listing to something then turn to the people, giggle and Meg was balancing a wooden sword on her head while dance to the beat. And finally frank Jr was moving his arms into a hugging himself very fast then stretching theme and moving side to side. Then slide to the right until Frank and Peter appear smiling on the left, Lois, Persephone and Meg appeared on the right crying tears of joy, Chris appeared upside down in front like a ninja, Brian and stewie the appeared in front of Christ with creepy glass with the fire sign after words

_The pure space life form is almost perversely honest!  
>The enemy's hair is blonde and straight!<br>As sure as the Earth's swing, it's too sharp for the eyes.  
>The head of a conceited frog inflates! 3, 2, 1, Fire!<em>

Then Frank Jr and Stewie appear in dressed in disco attire dancing a disco jig turning in circles on the left, then front to back moving his right arm and left arm forward and back with his leg moving one side to the other on the right until on the left side posing saying one word,"_Yale."_

_Afro Sergeant! The Afro Sergeant has an afro!  
>Afro Sergeant! The Afro Sergeant has an afro!<br>Afro Sergeant! The Afro Sergeant has an afro!  
>Afro Sergeant! The Afro Sergeant has an afro!<em>

Everyone began to swing. After giving much thought, John and Tyler then shrug it off in defeat and join the others.

**The End.**


	5. Chapter 4: Mind over Murder

**Chapter 4: Mind over Murder**

It was another normal day in Quahog. The Griffins, as usual, were watching TV.

The commercial they were watching was for Mentos, set in 1800s America. Abraham Lincoln was stepping out of his stagecoach, then the camera turned to his assassin, John Wilkes Booth, who was about to shoot Lincoln, but misses his chances. He looks up to see it to be the Ford Theatre. This gives Booth the idea to kill Lincoln in the theater and before he goes further, he takes a Mentos as a refreshment. In the theater, Lincoln was already up at the balcony when Booth himself enters and run up the stairs. He reaches Lincoln from behind and points his gun directly at Lincoln's head. He fires, but hits the hat instead, catching Lincoln by surprise. Lincoln turns to find Booth standing there giving a grin. Lincoln doesn't seem to mind. Booth then shows his Mentos at the camera as part of the advertisement.

"Mentos." The announcer in the commercial said, "The Freshmaker."

It cuts back to the family.

"These commercials are stupid." Meg remarked.

"They certainly don't make me want a Mento." Lois agreed.

"Totally ineffective." Brian replied.

"Must. Kill. Lincoln." Peter and Frank Jr said as if hypnotized and walked out of the room.

"He's already dead, you guys!" Tyler called out to Frank Jr, "Sorry!"

"Must. Kill. John and Tyler." Peter and Frank Jr said again sounding hypnotized as they came back in, this time, with an axe.

"Yeah-Wait. WHAT?!" Tyler exclaimed in surprise.

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

It was late at night, where Lois was performing at a concert hall. She was wearing a black dress and finishing a piee on a piano. Everyone was applauding and cheering her on. Lois took a bow and saw Peter and Frank Jr at the edge of the stage holding a bouquet of flowers and blew her a kiss. She waved back at him and was enjoying the moment. Then, out of nowhere, a baby bottle hits her from the back of her head and lands in a sink full of water as Lois snaps back into reality, where she was washing dishes.

"Blast you, woman!" Stewie yelled at Lois, "Awake from your damnable reverie!"

Lois sighed in disbelief, "Honey, I'm doing the dishes." Lois informed Stewie as she picked up the bottle from the water.

"Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual." Stewie and Frank Jr sarcastically apologized to Lois, "But you see, we're in searing pain!"

"Oh, you're just teething, my babies." Lois explained, "It's a normal part of a baby's life."

"Very well then." Stewie responded, "I order you to kill us at once!"

"Hey I didn't agreed to this" said frank Jr

"Oh, I know you're hurting." Lois said affectionately to Frank Jr and Stewie, "But mommy has to clean the house, alright?"

"No, it's not alright!" Frank Jr protested and grabbed and shook Lois's blouse, "For the love of God, shake us! Shake us like a British nanny!"

Lois sighed again as Frank Jr and Stewie kept shaking her by the shirt.

At a lake, Peter was fishing with the guys, including Frank, John, Tyler and Brian.

"Oh, man. This is the life." Peter proclaimed, "Hey, hand me one of them Pawtucket Patriots."

"Mr. Griffin, I think you've had enough to drink." Tyler warned Peter.

"Hey, I'll tell you when I've had enough." Peter drunkly shot back.

"Pops, I think you've had enough." Frank warned Peter

"You've had, like, 6 beers already." John pointed out.

"I'm going for 7 lucky." Peter explained.

"You can't make a sentence right now." Tyler stated.

"Yeah, well... You can't see without glasses." Peter shot back poorly.

"So can't you." Frank pointed out.

"Just gimme the damn beer." Peter said as he swiped the beer from Tyler.

"Guys, guys." Peter said, "I-I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland..." He stopped after getting to Brian.

"Brian." Brian reminded Peter.

"Yeah, yeah." Peter hesitated, "And my son in law, Frankie, John and, uh... Taylor."

"Tyler." Tyler corrected.

"That's what I just said." Peter said.

"No, you called him Taylor." Frank informed him.

"Well, which is it?" Peter asked, "Tyler or Taylor?"

"It's Tyler." Tyler told him.

"Alright. Anyway, if-if you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you." Peter said as he crushed the can, "And I-I wish you were 'cause we're out."

They all laughed at Peter's joke.

"Oh, that's funny." The black, smooth-talking man named Cleveland complimented on Peter's comment, "That's even more humorous than that joke last night."

**Cutaway #1**

Peter, John, Tyler, Brian, Frank, Quagmire and Cleveland were at a bar, sitting at a table.

"Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right?" Peter says telling the joke, "Oh-Oh, wait a second frank can you check around."

Frank then looked to his left to make sure. He found a group of Jewish men. Then, he looked to his right and found a group of Chinese men.

"Okay, Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar." Peter said going back to the first part of his joke acting as if in the clear, "And there's this naked priest sitting there. And he..." Peter's attention was cut short when he noticed something in front of him, "Oh, sorry, Father."

The others turned to look at who it was. Out of nowhere, they find a naked priest sitting right where Peter was looking.

"No, I've heard 'em all." The priest shrugged it off, almost seemingly flattered.

**End**

"Oh, look at the time." Cleveland said as he looked down at his watch, "I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her."

"Believe me, Cleveland. O-Our wives need some time off as much as we do." Peter proclaimed, "This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do."

"Are you sure?" Tyler asked Peter a bit unconvinced.

The scene cuts back to the house, where Lois and Meg was unclogging the toilet. Soon after, they heard the car honk outside, alerting them that Peter and the boys have come home. Meg walked over to the mirror and neatened her hair which was a bit messy after doing household duties all day. Lois then walked down to the living room to greet the boys' home, but picked up a pile of magazines that was lying on the chair and placed them on the coffee table where they were also neated as a stack.

"I'll be on your bed." Brian informed Peter as they walked in, "No calls."

"Hi, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler greeted Lois as he, John and Peter then came in the house, and where Peter's feet was covered in mud and was tracking it on the carpet.

"Hi, Tyler." Lois replied, still bothered at Peter tracking in the house.

"Heya, Lois." Peter greeted Lois as he dropped his fishing equipment and rods on the floor and walked to Lois, "Look, I know you've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner." He then said as he placed a big cooler on the coffee table and knocked the magazines off.

"Really?" Lois asked somewhat convinced that Peter managed to prepare dinner for once.

"All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it and cook it." Frank instructed her as he pulled out a large fish from the ice chest and showed it to Lois before giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Do you want me and Tyler to give you a hand, Mrs. Griffin?" John asked Lois, give gave her a bit of relief that someone would help her out with dinner.

"Well, that would help a lot." Lois remarked, then turned her attention to Peter, "Peter, I spend all morning cleaning up the house and in 5 seconds, you and the boys turn it into low tide at the pier."

"We'll clean it up." Tyler told Lois, who got a feeling of relief.

"Thank you." Lois said.

"Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, honey." Peter apologized to Lois, "I-I'd help you clean it up. But, uh-uh, you know I am with housework. Remember when I tried doing laundry?"

**Cutaway #2**

Peter was doing laundry in the basement.

"Uh, let's see." Peter said looking in the dryer to look for any clothes inside, "Shirt, pants-Hey, hey, I'm missing another sock."

Peter then went into the dryer to try and retrieve the missing sock.

"Hey."

He then reached the end of the tunnel and fell out of a whole floating in midair, landing in the snow of a snow-covered landscape.

"Welcome to Narnia." A satyr greeted Peter, holding a sock, "I'm Mr. Tumnus."

"Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!" Peter threatened the satyr recognizing the sock it was holding.

With no reply, the satyr then hi-tailed it out of there, leaving Peter in the snow.

"H-Hey!" Peter hollered at the thief.

**End**

"You're right." Lois agreed defeated, "It's better if I do it."

"AH! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell!" Stewie shouted in pain include Frank Jr from his room upstairs.

"Well, the babies up." Meg sighed, "Can you get him?"

"Okay. I just hope he doesn't need changing." Peter said, "I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time."

**Cutaway #3**

Peter is changing Frank Jr and Stewie and is about to powder them. He, however, grabs the wrong thing on the table.

"No, no, no, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika!" Stewie warned his father, but was ignored and was sprinkled with paprika, where he then exclaimed in pain.

"Take that!" Frank Jr said as he shot a pee stream at Peter.

**End**

"Alright, I'll do that, too!" Lois said frustrated, "Can you at least take Chris to his..." Lois paused when she noticed John and Tyler were still in the room.

"Oh." Lois said realizing John and Tyler's presence, "Uh, can you boys leave the room so I and Mr. Griffin could talk for a minute?"

"Sure, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said, "But we don't know where to go. In fact, our room's practically the living room for the moment. Plus, I'm starting to get uncomfortable sleeping on the couch.

"I'm sorry, boys." Lois informed them, "But we just don't have any other rooms available."

"If I might make a suggestion." John spoke, "Why don't me and Tyler just move down into the basement?"

"The basement? Oh, I don't know." Lois said warily.

"Yeah, Lois. Why not?" Frank joined in on the conversation, "It could be just the place they need. Besides, it could finally allow me to watch early morning TV again."

**Cutaway #4**

Frank walked down the stairs and was wanting to watch TV. But he finds Tyler asleep on the couch. Frank then slowly tries to sit on the couch where Tyler's feet are at, but automatically gets up when Tyler starts to react. Then, Frank decides to try and wake Tyler up.

"Hey. Hey, Tyler? Tyler." Frank said to Tyler as he shook his shoulder, but still wasn't awake. "Tyler!" Frank repeated a little louder, which finally got Tyler up.

"Can I have the couch?" Frank asked Tyler.

"Sure." Tyler replied as he then collapsed onto the floor, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Frank greeted back as he sat on the couch and turned on the TV.

**End**

"Well..." Lois said, "I guess we can give it a try."

"Thank you, Mrs. Griffin." John said to Lois, "Me and Tyler promise you won't regret it."

John and Tyler then left the room.

(A/N: This was an idea suggested by D4lekCrusher. BTW D4lek, if you were wanting a subplot for my characters, well, this is it. Hope you like it.)

"As I was saying, Peter, can you take Chris to his game?" Meg asked Peter.

"Oh, jeez, Lois. I just spent all morning on a boat with my friends, John and Tyler included, drinking beer, telling jokes and screwing around." Peter argued, "How about a little me and frank time?"

"Honey, we're begging you. Just drop Chris at his soccer game and come right home." Lois told Peter and frank as she sat on the couch with them, "I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please!"

"Alright! Alright!" Frank said defeated, then wrapped his arm around Meg, "Huh. You know we spoil you."

Peter arrived at the soccer game and stopped Chris off.

"Thanks for the ride, guys." Chris said to Peter as he got out.

"Alright." Peter responded, "Have fun, Chris."

"Hey, guys." A familiar voice called out to the trio. They looked and saw that it was Quagmire.

"Quagmire, what are you doing here?" Peter said to Quagmire.

"You don't have kids." Frank said.

"Oh, you know, soccer moms." Quagmire said and pointed to a few soccer moms next to him, "Heh. Heh. Alright."

"Well, I'd like to hang around with you." Peter informed Quagmire, "But Lois and Meg needs me at home."

"I got beer." Quagmire tempted Peter as he pulled out a beer from a red cooler.

Peter gives a wide-eyed look.

"Boo, meg!" frank shouted swinging his shirt around him, "Yay, beer!"

"Same with Coke!" John cheered with frank.

"You want some coke?" Tyler offered as he held out a tray with cocaine instead, "Oh, wait. Wrong coke."

Back at the house, Lois was teaching her student, Meg was watching frank Jr and Stewie at the same time, waiting for Peter to come home.

"Sh-sh-shh, its okay, my babies." Meg gently shushed Stewie and frank jr in her arms, then questioned in frustration, "Where the hell's frank?"

The student finished playing the piece on the piano.

"That was good, Reuben." Lois praised her pupil, "Now play, uh, Brahms' _Lullaby_."

"Lullaby..." Lois sang the piece to her son, "...and good night."

"Oh, enough!" Stewie responded having had enough of it, "The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!"

"Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner." Lois affectionately told Stewie, "But I can't turn time forward."

"No, no! But perhaps we can!" Stewie proclaimed as he gained inspiration from Lois' statement, "Of course! I'll simply built a machine that can move time! I'll call it... A time machine." Then, he was interrupted shortly by a bad note.

"E-flat, SalierI!" Frank Jr instructed Lois' student, "E-flat!"

It then cuts back to Chris' soccer game, where Peter was sober again.

"Go, Chris!" Peter rooted to Chris as the latter just stood there, "Daddy loves ya! I-I mean that in a platonic way. I'm married."

One of the opposing players kicks the ball to Chris, who catches it.

"Hand ball!" The referee whistled and announced, "Penalty kick, blue!"

Chris drops the ball after hearing that.

"That's the 10th time today!" The man next to Frank and Peter shouted, "Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!"

"Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella. That's my bro." Frank told the man offended.

"Yeah. Apologize." John agreed.

"Okay." The man answered, "I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinking, blue cheese fatass!" The man then knocked off Peter's beer from his hand.

"Hey, that's not cool!" Tyler said.

"Oh. Oh, yeah, that's it!" Peter exclaimed and knocked the man outcold.

"Way to go, dad!" Chris cheered his father.

A kid from Chris' team runs up to the man.

"Hey, you hit my mom!" The kid yelled at Peter.

"No, he hit your dad." Frank corrected the kid.

"Whoa. Stand back." A man beside Peter, Frank, John and Tyler informed everyone, "Give her some air."

"Y-You mean, 'Give him some air.'" Peter corrected the man, now a little confused.

"Call an ambulance." A woman suddenly appeared next to Peter, "She's going into labor."

"Y-You mean, 'He's going into labor.'" Frank tried to correct the woman calmly, but was now worried.

Then a baby is heard crying.

"Whoops." Frank and Peter acknowledged.

"Oops." John followed.

"Oh, crap." Tyler finished.

Later, Peter, Frank, John and Tyler were back at the house with Quagmire, Cleveland and Brian in the padio.

"I can't believe I punched a woman." Peter remarked about the incident.

"A pregnant woman." Brian added. Tyler snickered after hearing Brian.

"I just hope she accepts our peace offering." Frank exclaimed, "We sent her a little something for the baby."

"What did you give her?" Tyler asked Frank and Peter.

**Cutaway #5**

At the hospital, the woman Peter punched is sitting up in a hospital bed with her newborn baby next to her. She opens their gift and reveals itself to be a jack-in-a-box. The woman then cranks the handle, where the Jack pops out and knocks her out.

**End**

"Eh, of course, I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest." Peter acknowledged.

"Oh, you're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter." Cleveland said.

"Yeah, no kidding. It could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about those other times we broke the law." Peter remarked.

"Like what?" John asked.

"Well, I was almost caught loitering." Peter said.

**Cutaway #6**

Peter is standing around a sidewalk whilst swishing his eyes back and forth suspiciously with a wall behind that had a sign reading, "No Loitering."

**End**

"And there was that time I took a whiz in public." frank added.

**Cutaway #7**

Peter was doing exactly as he was in the previous cutaway, standing around. Only he was possibly peeing in a public pool.

**End**

"And that time I snuck into Wimbledon." Peter added again.

**Cutaway #8**

Peter, again, was doing the exact same thing, except now he was just watching the players hitting the ball back and forth.

**End**

"Heh. Well, me and Cleveland are gonna 'amscray.'" Quagmire informed Peter.

"W-W-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone." Peter said.

"Why don't you come with us?" Cleveland suggested.

"Aw, I can't leave the premises." Peter explained to them as he puts down his beer, lifted up his right leg and pulled the pant sleeve away to show the bracelet, "They're monitoring my every move."

**Cutaway #9**

A surveillance officer is monitoring Peter, where the screen is actually _Pong_.

**End**

Peter was imitating what was displayed earlier, by running back and forth between the couch and the TV.

"Oh, I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here!" Peter shouted.

"There's my little house husband." Lois sweetly stated, "It's been so wonderful having you home all week." She then gave Peter a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, thanks, honey." Peter said to Lois, "But, uh, I just don't know how you stand it being in the house all day. I mean, I-I'm so bored, I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together."

It then showed a program to prove Peter's point.

"The following program contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter 'H'." The announcer on the TV said for _Homicide: Life on the Street_, only it had a catch.

In the show, at an apartment, a phone next to a bed rings and the person sleeping underneath its sheets reaches for it and answers.

"Hello?" The voice resembled that of Bert from _Sesame Street_. The person rises sitting up, revealed to actually be Bert, with Ernie lying next to him, "Ugh. Son of a bitch. I'm on my way."

Bert hang up the phone after that.

"Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's." Bert informed Ernie about the new case whilst getting of bed nude and getting dressed. He then takes a gulp of whiskey.

"Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert." Ernie acknowledged to Bert.

"Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!" Bert shouted.

"Bert, you're shouting again, Bert." Ernie said scared.

Bert shrugs it off in annoyance.

Cuts back to Peter and Lois.

"I know you can't understand what I'm going through, Lois." Peter said to Lois going back to his point, "I mean, all the stuff that makes you happy, you know, like cooking and cleaning, is right here in the house just waiting."

Lois then snatches Peter's empty beer can in anger.

"You are one lucky-" Peter was about to say, but was cut off by Frank, John and Tyler covering his mouth shut.

"Good job." Brian said.

"Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them." Lois pointed it out to Peter, "I do them because I love my family."

Peter laughed immature at Lois' statement.

"Lois loves her family. Lois loves her family." Peter teased Lois, "'Lois and her family sitting in a tree-" He was cut off again by John who smacked him in the back of the head to stop him. Peter then rubbed the back of his head and looked at Lois.

"See, Lois, the guys would've found that hilarious." Peter said.

"Hey, Peter, if you want, you could help me, Frank and Tyler set our stuff in the basement." John offered to Peter.

"Yeah." Tyler agreed.

"Uh, yeah, sure." Peter said.

"Why don't I and meg go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner while you're helping John and Tyler set up into their new room?" Lois insisted, "You know, like when we were dating?"

"Yeah, that sounds cool." Tyler said.

"It sure is." Peter responded, affirming that he agrees.

Lois leaves the room to get dinner ready.

"Wonder what the guys are up to?" Peter wondered.

**Cutaway #10**

Cleveland and Quagmire were at the local pool. They decided to try what Peter did.

"Oh, that's nasty." Cleveland acknowledged.

**End**

Peter was at the basement door with Frank, John and Tyler. John was holding a medium sized box, while Tyler looked as if he was holding a very object off screen.

"Okay, are you guys ready?" Peter asked the boys.

"Mr. Griffin, a little help?" Tyler said struggling.

"Tyler." John asked Tyler.

"What?" Tyler said.

"That's a shoe box." John told him.

Tyler looks to find that it was a show box, much to his embarrassment.

"Well, that's a little humiliating." Tyler remarked, then tossed the box and picked up another one that seemed easier for him to carry.

"What's in there?" Frank asked Tyler.

"My emeralds." Tyler answered whispering as he showed his friend all seven emeralds inside. He then closed it up to hide them from Peter.

"Okay, let's go." Peter told them.

They then walked down the stairs, but everything began to go dark.

"Uh, where's the damn pull string?" Peter wondered.

Peter managed to find it and pulled it to turn on the lights and revealed a small spider hanging from its, catching Peter by surprise.

"It's just a little spider." Tyler pointed out.

"Yeah, you never know what you're gonna find down here." Peter remarked.

"Like that?" Tyler and Frank asked.

"Like what?" John and Peter then asked him in unison.

"That." Tyler said, pointing to a giant spider on the upper corner of the basement.

"Hey, everybody. How ya all doing'?" The spider greeted them.

(A/N: The spider is voiced by Mike Henry. Think of it like the bee from "It Takes a Village Idiot and I Married One," and the Xenomorph from the _Aliens _cutaway in "Peter's Daughter's.")

John and Tyler screamed and ran out of the room in panic. As it surprises Frank and Peter also, they trips and tumbles to the end of the stairs on the floor with John and Tyler's personal things on top of him. Peter and Frank manages to sit back up and then heard a strange voice.

"Peter!" The voice said, calling out to him, then revealed itself to be the Pawtucket Patriot.

"Hey! Hey, you're the Pawtucket Patriot." Peter acknowledged at who it was.

"Verily." The Pawtucket Patriot responded, "Come hither and give heed."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't swing that way, pal." Peter rejected at thinking it was sexual, "Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to help my housemates set up this basement into their room and get the beers out after that."

"Why spent time with your wife?" The Pawtucket Patriot questioned him, "If you build a bar in this basement instead and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots, your friends will come down here for a beer as well."

"Build a bar." Peter said fascinated, "That's a great idea!"

After Peter accepts the idea, the Pawtucket Patriot then disappears.

"W-W-Wait. One last question." Peter shouted to the Pawtucket Patriot who came back after hearing his call, "If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done it?"

The Pawtucket Patriot disappeared before he answered, then finally said, "Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?"

A montage plays of Peter and Frank building the bar instead of setting up John and Tyler's new room and Lois, Meg getting hers and Peter and Frank's dinner ready. Peter begins building the bar. Lois comes home with the groceries to make dinner. Frank thens screws the legs on the stools. Meg puts a roast in the oven. Peter is now in the bathroom reading the paper. The roast is done and Lois pulls it out. Peter falls asleep while still in the bathroom. Meg then makes the finishing touches to her romantic evening with Frank. Peter and Frank finishes the bar, but notices the word "olde" on the sign and changes it to "old" instead. Lois and Meg are still waiting for Peter and Frank to show up and after she looks at her watch, they gives up. Tyler appears and blows out the candle, catching Lois by surprise.

"There we go." Tyler said.

"Oh. Hi, boys." Lois said a bit started, then put on a calm look for John and Tyler, "Are you both enjoying your new room?"

"Actually, we haven't been able to work on the basement." Tyler admitted.

"What?" Meg exclaimed, "Then what have you two been doing all this time?"

"Waiting for that huge spider to leave." John responded, "That's what."

"I'm not one of those passive-aggressive arachnids whose main interest is to kill the nearest thing they see." The giant spider reasoned, "I was just minding my own business with my big, silky webs when you boys showed up."

"Get out." John and Tyler ordered the spider.

"Alright. Bye, y'all." The spiders greets them goodbye and leaves the room.

"Well, that's one problem solved." Tyler remarked.

Back in the basement, Peter and Frank was wiping the counter of their new bar when the door opens.

"Peter, where the hell have you been?" Lois asked Peter irritated as she, Meg, John and Tyler walked down the staircase, "We had a date."

"And you were supposed to be helping us." John reminded Peter.

"Not cool, man." Tyler said, "Not cool."

"Aw, sorry, everyone." Peter said, "I must've lost track of the time."

"Whaddya ya say, 'uh?" Frank then showed them his new bar, "You think the guys will like it?"

"This is why you missed our dinner?" Lois questioned him, "To make a bar for your friends instead of a bedroom for John and Tyler?"

"Shame." Tyler said to Lois' question.

"Yeah, isn't it great?" Peter said, glad that his new bar is ready for business, "Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen; I build stuff and I have a criminal record." Peter then did the "Macho grunt" from Allen's show _Home Improvement_. Just then, Tim Allen himself then pops up from the right of the screen with a straw in his right hand and snorts the scene, which then showed a bunch of men in the basement.

"Okay, okay, okay, guys. I got another one." Frank told his friends as he was getting ready for another joke, "What's the difference between pornography and art?"

"Here it comes." Quagmire chuckled.

"A government grant." Peter finished the joke, making the guys laugh.

"Oh, Frank, Peter, you two are in the zone." Cleveland complimented on Peter's streak.

Upstairs, Lois was busy washing a dozen dishes and beer mugs. Peter then appeared next to her.

"Hey, uh, honey, you know those little clam cakes you make whenever we have company?" Peter asked Lois, "I need about a dozen of those-um, you know, actually, better make it 600."

"That's it, Peter!" Lois shouted, having had enough, "I'm not your servant and I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies!" Lois then stormed off.

"Jeez." Peter remarked, "Where the hell did that come from?" Peter then walked in her direction.

They walked into the living room, where Meg, Chris, John and Tyler were watching TV, Frank Jr and Stewie was working on their new invention.

"Watch the kids." Lois told Peter as she was going upstairs, "I'm taking a hot bath."

"Aahh, put me down, you blunderbuss." Stewie yelled at Peter whom picked him up.

"He' a little cranky from teething." Meg explained as she held Stewie.

"Oh, I can fix that." Peter responded.

Peter then swished the whiskey in frank Jr and Stewie's mouths to ease the pain.

"Good Lord, man!" Stewie exclaimed in disgust, "One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed."

"I can imagine some places." Tyler said as he quickly realized something, "No, Don't! Never mind!"

"There ya go." Peter said, "My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache."

**Cutaway #11**

It showed a young Peter wearing a white shirt and blue overalls. He had his hand on his cheek.

"My tooth hurts!" Peter told his mother, who was off-screen.

Suddenly, a whiskey bottle is thrown and shatters after making contact with a nearby wall.

**End**

"There." Peter said as he pulled his fingers out of Frank Jr and Stewie's mouth, "How's that feel?"

"Well, it's, it's, it's..." Frank Jr was about to say, but was immediately intoxicated, "It's delightful."

"Mr. Griffin, whiskey doesn't cure a toothache." Tyler informed Peter, "That's old school."

"Okay, smart guy." Peter replied back, "What do you suggest?"

"These!" Tyler answered as he pulled out a bottle of pills.

"How's that supposed to help ease the babies' teething?" Meg asked Tyler.

Tyler just took a look at the bottle for 4 or 5 seconds.

"Medical science is surprising." Tyler finally answered.

Upstairs, Lois was already enjoying her bath and had another fantasy playing in her head. It was the concert again, where the audience was now applauding after Lois' performance.

"Thank you." Lois greeted her fans, "Thank you very much."

Lois was about to get off the stage, when Peter stopped her.

"Lois, you are a wonderful woman." Peter told to her as he gave her a hug, "Words cannot express the depths of my gratitude and love for you."

"Oh, Peter!" Lois said flattered by Peter's words as they embraced once more with a kiss, where fireworks also go off.

It cuts back to reality as Lois goes over the other side of the tub to turn off the faucet. She looks to her left and exclaims in embarrassment as she finds a man urinating in the toilet.

"Hey, you must be Lois." The man said.

The basement was packed with people as Peter was serving drinks at the bar and Meg was bringing men their drinks.

"No, no, not silicone. Silicon." Stewie and Frank Jr drunkenly corrected to a blonde woman in a red dress, "And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty. What a delightful moniker."

"You see, Misty..." Stewie broke out a giggle after saying the patron's name while drawing the schematics on a napkin, "...my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion." Frank Jr was about to add more design in the blueprints when the tips of his pencil breaks, "I've broken my pencil!"

"I have a _Barney _pen in my purse." Misty offered to Stewie.

"You are spectacular!" Frank Jr complimented.

Lois then enters the basement in a pink bathrobe with a matching pink towel wrapped around her head and came down the stairs and found Chris at the last step.

"Chris, what are you doing here?" Lois asked Chris.

"Sorry, mom." Chris said to Lois, "I'm gonna need to see some ID."

"Chris, go to your room!" Lois ordered Chris as the latter hung his head in shame and walked up the stairs.

"Hello, mother." A drunken Stewie greeted Lois with frank Jr from behind, "Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?"

"Oh, my God! My babies is drunk!" Lois exclaimed in horror as she picked up Stewie and Frank Jr.

"No, I'm not!" Peter said from behind before realizing who she was referring to, "Oh, him? Yeah, yeah, he's a real lightweight."

"Meg, take our son's upstairs." Lois ordered Meg and handed her Frank Jr and Stewie.

"'Show me the way to go home.' Everybody!" Stewie sung intoxicated as Meg was taking him and her son back upstairs, "'I'm tired and I want to go to bed' Just the woman!"

"Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married, I have NEVER been as angry as I..." Lois expressed in anger when she noticed her piano by a couple of tables, "What is my piano doing down here?"

"Well, it was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but, uh..." Peter was explaining until Lois gave him a stern face, "...Uh, never mind."

"That does it, Peter." Lois said, "Either this bar goes or I do!"

"Aw, Lois, I-I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here." Peter lied to keep his bar, "I. I, uh... Wanted you to play it. You know, like it was an instrument."

He looked at her and she was still very upset.

"I'm telling you the truth." Peter said, "Right, guys?"

The men then agreed.

"Come on!" One of the men got up and said.

"Oh, no, no, I couldn't." Lois said flattered soon after.

"Come on!" Another man insisted.

"How about just one song and you all go?" John suggested.

The men all agreed to John's proposal.

"Well... Maybe one song." Lois agreed.

"Pretend you like it no matter how bad it stinks." Peter warned them.

Lois gave a chuckle and went to the piano and began playing it, then started singing.

_You'll never know_

_Just how much I love you_

Lois then got up and left the piano playing to a nearby man in a white tuxedo.

_You'll never know_

_Just how much I care_

Lois then removed the towel that was on her head, revealing her still wet hair as she swished it around a couple of times. This started to get the guys' attention, though John and Tyler were starting to become very uncomfortable.

_And if I try_

_I still couldn't hide my love for you_

Lois now unstrapped the belt of her robe, causing John and Tyler to develop a sign of fear. They soon immediately covered their eyes as Lois then removed her robe, but were relieved to find she was wearing a nightgown underneath.

_You oughta know for ha_...

"Uh. O-Okay, guys. T-Thank you." Frank nervously said during the song trying to get their attention off Lois, "You can stop pretending now."

_If there is some other way _

_To prove that I love you_

_I swear I don't know_

Lois then layed on her stomach in a very sexy pose.

Peter and Frank then backed up toward the bar, where John, Tyler and Brian were there.

"Something troubling you, Peter?" Brian asked Peter.

"Oh, no. Nothing." Peter answered, "Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife."

_You'll never know_

_If you don't know now_

All the men then cheered and gave a big round of applause when she finished. Peter, however, was not so alright about it.

The next morning, the family (except Frank and Peter) was having breakfast, but Lois was still enjoying last night.

"It was absolutely amazing!" Lois professed, "The second that spotlight hit me, I became a whole different person!"

"Silence, you contemptible shrew!" Stewie shouted and frank Jr groan in responses at Lois while recovering from his late-night hangover.

"Aw, I bet your gums are still sore." Lois said comforting Stewie.

"I'm pretty sure he's just sore from a hangover." Tyler corrected.

"Oh, you two are so observant, aren't you?" Stewie sarcastically replied, "Are you detectives?"

"I got a Sherlock Holmes costume." Tyler replied, "Does that count?"

"YES, MY GUMS AND HEAD ARE SORE!" Frank Jr shouted.

"Oh. SHOULD I START TALKING LOUDER FROM NOW ON?!" Tyler asked Stewie and Frank Jr.

"NOOO!" Stewie and Frank Jr answered.

"Okay..." Tyler replied and went back to his breakfast.

"Ugh, enough of this!" Stewie said, "We must complete the time machine, move time forward, and end this agony!"

"Agreed my friend." Frank Jr said in response

Peter and Frank walks in to find the family having breakfast.

"Hey, dad." Chris said to Peter, "Mom says she was really on last night."

"Oh, uh, yeah, about that, uh." Peter stuttered, trying to make sure Lois doesn't find him jealous, "Lois, see, the guys were just being polite, you know? They-they thought your singing was too, um, eh."

"I was just nervous." Lois confessed still thinking about last night, "Tonight will be better."

"Tonight? Uh, mom, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight." Frank informed.

Everyone, however, DID return and Lois was now singing as the bar's own sooner.

_Gimme, gimme, gimme_

_Ya know what I cry for_

Peter and Frank was at the bar, forced to watch his own wife being admired by other men.

"'Uh, honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight.'" John said imitating what Frank said earlier as he popped up from under the bar with tired eyes.

"Go back to bed." Peter ordered John.

John went back under the bar, where it's shown that he and Tyler were sleeping under there.

_You know you got the brand of kisses_

_That I die for!_

"Oh, this one takes me back." Cleveland said nostalgically.

"Now that's a woman!" Quagmire exclaims at what sounded like that of Lois, but was really doing a guessing game with a doctor showing him random images. "That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!"

_You know you made me love you_

"I love you." Lois said and blew a kiss to her admirers, who gave applause, "Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen."

Muldoon takes a bow as Lois was taking a sip of water.

"You know, I was born in a little town called Quahog-" Lois said, but was soon interrupted by one of the fans.

"We love you, Lois!" The fan told her.

Lois gives a light laugh, "Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night... Or do you?"

"Or do you?'" Peter said imitating Lois in a jealous way as a man came up to the bar.

"She's a smoking' little pistol, isn't she?" The patron said.

"Are you a woman?" Peter asked.

"No." The man answered.

Peter then punches the man in the face, knocking him out.

The next day, Brian was sitting on the porch reading the paper when Peter stepped out of the house.

"Ah, my house arrest is over, Brian. Round up the guys." Peter said in confidence to Frank and Brian as he was spinning his collar on his finger, "Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want."

"Ooo. There's only one thing the guys wanna do, Peter." Brian informed Peter, "And that's ogle your wife. I tell ya, if Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again, I'm the jealous type."

Later that day, Peter, Frank and Lois were shopping at Stop 'n Shop.

"Wow! Lois Griffin! Hey, I love your act." A man said to Lois recognizing her, "Nice melons."

"Hey, listen, pal-" Peter threatened the man, but was cut off by Lois.

"Peter, I'm holding melons." Lois informed Peter as she was carrying two melons. Peter then dropped his guard seeing this.

"And her hooters ain't so bad, either!" The man said again.

"Now hang on a second there-" Frank threatened again.

"Frank, I'm holding someone's hooters while they're in the restroom." Lois informed Frank, this time with actual hooters (owls) on her left arm.

"Oh, sorry." Frank apologizes after realizing this.

"No problem." The man said back, then said, "Your wife's hot!"

"Alright! That's it!" Peter and Frank shouted and pointed at the man who was now running off but was capture by frank, was beat up brutal, "Lois, your singing days are over. For God's sake, if I wanted to marry Lola Falana, I would have."

**Cutaway #12**

We see a young Peter somewhere around his 20s with what appears to be Lola Falana in her dressing room crying, presuming that Peter was breaking up with her.

"Look, Lola. This whole thing's just going way too fast for me." Peter reasoned with Lola until.

"For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!" The singer informed Peter as she threw a vase at him, which missed and had him running.

**End**

"Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place." Lois reminded Peter.

"Hey, hey, hey! I just wanted to keep my bar." Peter explained, "The whole reason I built that thing was so that my friends would come to see me, not you."

"Is that so?" Lois questioned, "Well, let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue singing! And... Oh, how dare you upset me this close to ShowTime." She then ran off in tears.

"Lois." Peter called out to Lois, but was stopped by a passing shopping cart, "Ow. Hey, hey, watch where you're going', buddy."

It was revealed to be the woman that Peter punched at Chris' soccer game, holding her baby.

"Griffin!" The woman exclaimed seeing who she hit, "I've got a bone to pick with you." She then moved forward toward Peter and Frank, making them backup.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, listen, pal." Frank said, "We don't want any more trouble."

"Thanks to your wife, my husband hasn't been home all week!" The mother informed Peter as other women joined her.

"That singing hussy is destroying our marriages!" One of the woman said.

All the other women agreed.

"Oh, yeah, well, then do something about it." Peter dared them, "Come down to my basement tonight and drag your husband's outta there yourself."

"Maybe we will." The woman in the orange sweater said.

"Yeah!" The soccer mom agreed while she was breastfeeding her baby.

Peter and Frank saw it and then tried to block out what they were seeing, "Aw, jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside?"

Later that night, the basement was packed again with people, mostly of Lois' admirers. Lois was now about to perform.

"This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter." Lois announced to the audience, which got Peter's attention.

"Hit it!" Lois shouted to the nearby orchestra, who then immediately began playing and she then began singing.

_Don't tell me not to fly_

_I simply gotta_

_If someone takes a spill_

_It's me and not you_

_Don't bring around a cloud_

_To rain on my parade_

"Oh, boy." Peter exclaimed at what Lois was doing, "Lois is pretty pissed, huh?"

"Yes, your judgment lately has been rather..." Brian said, but paused to think, "Well, you have crappy judgment, anyway." He then took a sip from his martini.

John was tossing and turning trying to sleep unsuccessfully sleep thanks to the music playing. He then got up, having had enough.

"Mr. Griffin, can you please get Mrs. Griffin to quiet it down a bit?" John asked Peter from under the counter, "Some people are trying to sleep down here. And I thought Tyler's snoring was unbearable."

Tyler then started snoring as if on cue. John then punched him in the face simply out of annoyance. Tyler then snored louder and John punched him again.

"SEE?!" John shouted.

"Look, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it." Peter explained, "If I ask them to stop, I'll end up losing this bar."

"Ugh. Forget it. No wonder she's mad at you." John yelled defeated as he went back to sleep.

Stewie was strapped in a bouncer complaining about his predicament.

"Oh, this is intolerable!" Stewie complained, "This foolishness is preventing me from completing work on my... Egads!" Stewie then gasped as he soon noticed the blueprints to his time machine was laying on the floor in front of him, "The blueprints for my time machine! Those are for my eyes only!" But the napkin ended up getting stepped on by a passing stranger and peeled off and drifted coincidentally toward Lois, who was still singing.

"Thank you." Lois said as she took the drifting napkin out of midair and looked at it, "Aww, look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy."

"No!" Stewie yelled as he tried to get out of his bouncer, but Lois got him out and took him on stage with her.

"Hold up the picture." Cleveland said, "Let's see."

"No, nono! Nothing to see here!" Stewie said trying to get them uninterested, but they still wanted to see.

Lois then showed them all the full blueprints of the proposed time machine.

"Oh, how cute." One man awed, "It's a time machine!"

Suddenly, it soon cutted to John finally asleep underneath the counter of the bar when his eyes immediately burst wide-open as if on cue followed by the sound effect of glass breaking to add more into the joke right after hearing the man saying the words "time machine."

"What's that now?" John asked as he quickly rose up from behind the bar, now wanting to know what the man meant.

"No! No, no! It's a..." Stewie said, then paused to think of what to say, "Blast, what the devil do children like? It's a pheasant!"

"A time machine." One of a trio of men said took the napkin away from Lois and started analyzing it, "Well, sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes."

"Aw, I can't wait to build one of these of my own." Another man from the same group said.

"I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans." Stewie said to the men viewing the blueprints, "You shall rue this day." He then crossed his arms waiting for something to happen, "Well, go on! Start ruing!" After that, he then scurried off.

"Bye-bye, Stewie." Lois greeted Stewie, "Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night."

"BURN IN HELL!" Stewie sweared at her as he scurried up the stairs.

"Hell?" Lois said to herself, "Hell has fire. But you know what else?"

She then tore off her dress to reveal a blue top and red shorts. Then she started singing.

_It's got fsssss steam heat_

_I got fsssss steam heat_

_I got fsssss steam heat_

_But I need your love to keep away the cold_

_I got_-

"Alright, break it up!" The soccer mom announced as she and the wives finally arrived.

John then snatched the blueprints-written napkin away while the men holding it were distracted. They didn't seem to notice that john taken it. "I'll take this." Frank Jr then appeared snatched the blueprints-written napkin away from john, He then runs back to the bar to take a closer look at the paper.

Back to the situation with Lois.

"What's going on here?" Lois asked.

"Your little peep show is over!" The soccer mom told her, "We're taking back our men!"

"Peep show?" Lois exclaimed in confusion looking down at her outfit, "I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids and nobody cheers. No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special. I guess you all think that's pretty silly."

"Not at all." The soccer mom responded shedding a tear.

"You didn't tell us that part!" An orange-shirted woman said pointing at Peter.

"*snores* No. *snores* He didn't. *snores louder*" Tyler said in his sleep underneath the counter.

Peter then stepped back, hoping to get away.

"Peter." Lois said to Peter, "You're behind all this?"

"Yes and you'll never catch me!" Peter announced, then laughed maniacally as he turned a secret lever activating a turning bookcase, only it went the wrong way and trapped Peter between the walls repeating.

"I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house." Lois informed the other wives, "Or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done."

The wives agreed with her, including the soccer mom. "My husband's the same way." She said putting her arm on Lois' shoulder.

"So's mine." The wife in the orange-shirt replied.

The bar was now filled with both men and their wives. Quagmire, however, was smoking and starting to get bored.

"D; oh, this place is full of dead pigeons." Quagmire remarked as he inhales his cigarette, "I'm gonna go grab some ozone." He then flicked his still-lit cigarette into a nearby trash can and then set the flammable trash inside on fire. Quagmire then zooms in close and realizes what he's done, "Uh, hey, hey, Peter! There's a king in the cards!"

"They saw my blueprints! Even one of the simpletons!" Stewie said to himself in worry, "What a grievous breach of security! Damn! What to do? Wait for it... Wait for it!" Stewie thought for a moment, then shouted, "Yes! Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething, it might just be possible to reverse time's heady flow and undo ever drawn those damnable blueprints."

"You'll never get away with this!" A voice said from a man tied to a pole with a woman behind him.

"SILENCE!" Stewie shushed the man.

"Oh." The man gulped.

Back in the basement, Peter was trying to counsel Lois while Quagmire tried to put out the fire in the trash can, but every time he did, the flames only got bigger.

"Lois, you make it sound like I don't appreciate you at all." Peter said to Lois.

"Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me?" Lois questioned Peter of his love.

"Oh, you know I do." Peter reassured her.

"I wanna hear it." Lois told Peter.

"Is that what this is all about?" Peter asked.

"Run for your lives!" Quagmire warned everyone as he then gave up and ran out of there. Everyone else followed.

"Ah, jeez!" John exclaimed in panic and went over to the bar to wake up frank and Tyler, "guys, get up! We gotta get out of here!"

Unfortunately, Tyler and frank was a heavy sleeper. So, John slapped him real hard in hopes of waking his best friend up.

"I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE!" Tyler and snatched the blueprints-written napkin away shouted finally getting up and then took a whiff, "Hey, is something burning?"

"Yeah! The whole basement's on fire!" John informed Tyler.

"Oh, that's good-" Tyler said before realizing what John told him, "Wait. That's NOT good!"

Tyler then started running around in circles whilst shouting, "We're gonna die!" multiple times before John grabbed him and made their way to the stairs.

"Holy crap!" Peter exclaimed as he went to retrieve the fire extinguisher, but accidentally threw it at the flames as it was steaming hot when he touched it. It causes an explosion and a burning support beam falls and blocks the stairs before Peter and Lois can escape, leaving them trapped. Frank, John and Tyler were on the other side where they were able to escape, but couldn't help the Griffins.

"There's no way out!" Lois exclaimed.

Frank Jr then thought of something, "I got it!" He said and went up the stairs.

"Frank jr, where are you going?" Tyler asked Frank Jr, but the latter was already gone.

Back in the living room, Stewie was just about to activate the time machine.

At last! My time device is complete!" Stewie said triumphantly, "Just one final-"

Before he could do anything, Frank Jr quickly picked up the device.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Stewie asked Frank Jr.

"Saving our parents." Frank Jr answered.

Meanwhile, Frank and Tyler was still in the basement with Peter and Lois.

"Ah, jeez. We're screwed!" Peter said as he and Lois embraced, "Look, I promise if we get out of this alive, I'm gonna help around the house and say "I love you" every day."

"You mean it?" Lois asked Peter.

"Oh, I'm a changed man, Lois." Peter assured Lois, "A better man. And to think if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game, I-I never would've learned this valuable lesson."

This gave Frank an idea and rushed upstairs to tell Frank Jr.

"Jr!" Frank called to Frank Jr, "Set it to Chris' soccer game!"

"What?" Frank Jr exclaimed, "Why?"

"Because Mr. Griffin just said that that's where all this started." Frank explained.

"Wait a minute. My brother is absolutely right!" Stewie soon agreed with Frank's theory, "Well, go on! Take us back!"

Frank Jr then pulled the switch and everything then began to go back in time, going all the way to where Lois was begging Peter to take Chris to his soccer game, much to Stewie and Frank Jr's delight and John and Tyler's surprise.

"Honey, I'm begging you. Just drop Chris at his soccer game and come right home." Lois told Frank and Peter as she sat on the couch with them, reenacting what happened before, "I need you to look after Frank Jr and Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please!"

"Alright! Alright!" Frank said defeated, then wrapped his arm around Meg, "Huh. You know I spoil you."

But just as he was about to leave, Peter trips and lands on Stewie's time machine, crushing it.

"Ow, my foot! I can't walk!" Peter lied pretending to be hurt as an excuse to avoid Lois' favor, "I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself, hehehehehe."

"Ahh, our device!" Frank Jr and Stewie exclaimed in disappointment at his device's demise, then turned to John and Tyler, "You fools will pay for thi- Ahh, our teeth!" He slapped his hands to his cheeks as his first tooth popped out.

"My free! Free!" The tooth exclaimed in victory, "I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor!"

"I think not!" Another tooth popped up said to Incisor.

"Bicuspid!" Incisor gasped after seeing who it was, "We meet again!"

"Have at you!" Bicuspid shouted.

"En garde!" Incisor announced.

However, both teeth were stuck to one place and couldn't fight each other. After an awkward moment, bicuspid then spoke.

"Well, shall we bite the tongue, then?" He suggested.

"On three." Incisor agreed, "One, two..."

Stewie and Frank Jr then shouted in pain once more.

"Holy cow!" John exclaimed in astonishment, "I can't it worked!"

"Cool!" Tyler replied.

"Well, am I glad that's over...?" John remark as he place his hands no his hips and felt something crunch in his pocket. He then puts his hand in and finds the blueprints to the original time machine were still with him at the time they went back in time.

"What the? Oh, man. I forgot I still had this." John said to himself.

He then remembered that Frank jr and Stewie would've been the one to use it for his own purposes and decided to just keep it a secret from everyone, including Tyler, as he placed it back in his pocket and walked away.

(A/N: This will become crucial in a later chapter.)

**The End**


	6. Chapter 5: A Hero Sits Next Door

**Chapter 5: A Hero Sits Next Door**

It was another day in the Griffin house. Nothing special or anything.

In the living room, Stewie was busy reading.

"Oh, Machiavelli!" Stewie said as the book he was reading was revealed to be Machiavelli's _The Prince_, "You've told me nothing I don't already know!" Stewie then tossed the book away in frustration at not finding anything essential to his interests.

"Ah." Stewie exclaimed as he opened up another novel in intrigue, "Sun Tzu's _The Art of War_."

"Stewie. Those books aren't for babies." Lois said to Stewie as she came in and took his books away, "Here. Watch the _Teletubbies_." She turned on the TV and left Stewie alone to watch.

"How dare you!" Stewie said, "That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind..." His eyes then turned to the TV and immediately, he was entranced, "Oh, fuzzy."

On the TV, the Teletubbies were seen playing around a meadow.

"God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become!" Stewie said struggling to look away, "I can't look away!"

Back on the TV, the Teletubbies were letting a butterfly fly away, where a rainbow flew over them.

"Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, dear God, please once more!" Stewie proclaimed.

Peter, Frank and Tyler then came in the room.

"Aw, sorry, Stewie." Frank said to Stewie, who was still watching TV, "_A&E Biography_ is doing the life of the other guy from Wham."

"I hate _A&E_." Tyler said, "I wanna watch _The Twilight Zone_. There's a really good episode on!"

"Tyler, you know the rules." Peter reminded Tyler.

"Aw, not the rules again." Tyler complained.

"Tyler." Frank said, "What are the rules?"

"Always let Mr. Griffin and Mr. Mallque watch his show before I watch my show." Tyler explained.

"There you go." Peter responded.

"I'm free!" Stewie exclaimed in victory.

"Free from what?" Tyler asked Stewie.

"Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies!" Stewie explained.

"Since when can the Teletubbies do mind-control?" Tyler asked, but no one answered.

Stewie turned to Tyler and thanked him, "When the world is mine, you and the incompetent one's deaths shall be quick and painless."

"Aw, I wanted my death to be slow and painful." Tyler said in disappointment.

"Then it shall be when the time comes." Stewie then responded as he walked away.

"Fair enough." Tyler remarked.

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

At the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory, everyone was busy with work, as usual, when Mr. Weed walked in.

"Attention, please." Mr. Weed said to the employees, "Tomorrow is softball practice." He then pointed at the date on a calendar on the wall, "We have a lot of work to do at Saturday's game. Let's not forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties."

"What did they do last year?" Tyler asked.

A flashback showed Peter and the other employees on a softball in uniforms, where the screen was actually in the point of view of one of the players for the rival team, who put on their joke glasses and laughed at them.

"Hehehe, look at those morons and their stupid glasses." Peter pointed at them, unaware that in their vision he was in his underwear.

It soon cuts back to present day.

"Oh, man, I hate those guys." Peter said in a small bit of anger, "More than I hate spinach."

"Oh, yeah, me, too." John agreed.

"Same here." Tyler followed.

"Here here." Frank also followed

"Traffic jams." Peter continued.

"They are awful." John agreed again.

"You just want to get home, but no, people won't let you." Tyler followed again.

"And the last few years of _M*A*S*H_." Peter then finished his rant.

"What's wrong with _M*A*S*H_?" Tyler asked Peter.

"When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy." Peter answered, "You get it?"

"Dramatic, yes." Tyler agreed, "Preachy, no."

"But anyone else agree with me?" Frank said and stood up, "Who's with me?"

"This year we will defeat those pranksters with our secret weapon." Mr. Weed told the others.

"A weapon? You mean like a bomb?" Tyler asked and then dropped to the ground, "Duck and cover."

"I think he meant like a new player." John claimed, "Right, Mr. Weed?"

"Yes." Mr. Weed responded and showed a man to his left, "Meet Guillermo." He then tossed the ball in the air and Guillermo hit it. It was then flying straight at and rammed John out of the screen.

"Bravo!" Mr. Weed congratulated his new worker, "I hired Guillermo because I believe he will be an asset to our company on and off the field."

Another flashback showed Mr. Weed hiring Guillermo in his office.

"You have impeccable credentials." Mr. Weed told Guillermo, who was in a suit. It then showed Mr. Weed wearing the joke glasses from the last flashback, "I'm sure I can find a position for you somewhere."

It cut back to present day.

"Feels more like a liability than an asset." Frank said as John got up, "Uh, are you gonna be okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine." John assured Tyler, but passed out and fell on the ground.

"Back to work, people." Mr. Weed ordered his workers.

As he was about to leave, Peter stopped him.

"Hey, Mr. Weed, I got a new idea for a new line of TV action figures." Peter said to Mr. Weed as he held up one of the toys he mentioned in his hand, "_Facts of Life _Transformers, huh? Now wa-watch the transformation."

"Whaddya got?" Frank asked Peter.

"Cute as a button..." Peter explained as he pressed the button on the back of the toy, which had the figure swell up.

"Okay." Tyler replied.

"...Fat as a cow..." Peter continued as he pressed the button again, but this time, it was something totally unexpected.

"Okay." Frank replied.

"...Radioactive scorpion. Huh?" Peter finished.

"BRILLIANT!" Tyler and Frank exclaimed in amazement.

"Watch out, Mrs. Garret." Peter said playing with the radioactive scorpion toy, "Here comes Blair."

"I'll consider it." Mr. Weed responded at Peter's idea.

"He'll consider it!" Peter said, then went back and picked up the toy, "Hey, I got another one where Natalie's one of those spitting' lizards from _Jurassic Park_."

"You mean the Dilophosaurus?" John asked Peter.

"Huh?" Peter replied.

"Never mind..." John said after hearing Peter's answer.

The next day, Peter, Frank, John and Tyler were watching TV with Chris and Brian. The trio (Peter, John and Tyler) were in softball uniforms while watching on the couch.

On the TV they were watching _Wheel of Fortune_, where the puzzle read "GO _UCK YOURSELF."

"Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle." One of the three contestants said to the host, "'Go Tuck Yourself In.'" This turned out to be correct.

"You got it." The show's host, Pat said.

"Well, you were close, dad." Chris said to Peter.

"Yeah, I still can't believe we missed the phrase, 'My hairy aunt.'" Peter remarked.

"Yeah, talk about a coincident." Frank said after.

"Come on, guys." Peter said to Frank, John and Tyler, "We gotta get to softball practice."

"Practice?" Lois said as she was by a playpen watching Stewie and turned to Peter, "I thought we were gonna go next door and welcome our new neighbors."

"Oh, cool." Tyler responded, "We got new neighbors? About time."

"Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't want anything to do with neighbors." Peter protested, "Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again."

"Which one?" Frank asked Peter, "The toaster or the guy?"

**Cutaway #1**

It showed a man in a tub holding a plugged-in toaster above the water.

"If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it." The man said with a hint of depression.

It then cut to a full view of the man's house, where the sound of something short-circuiting (possibly the toaster) were heard, the lights inside were flickering and quickly went out.

**End**

"Peter, they might be very nice people." Lois said trying to reason with Peter.

"'Very nice people.'" Peter repeated, "Yeah, that's what they always say, then you open up the septic tank and BAM! Skeleton city!" He then shut the door behind him.

At the softball field, Happy-Go-Lucky's team was warming up for practice. Brian and frank Jr wer panting heavily next to a red-haired woman, who soon looked at them and then gave him a stern look.

"Ugh! Pervert!" The woman name-called Brian.

"Oh-Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey." Frank Jr talked back, "he doesn't have any sweat glands."

It then went back to the field.

"Alright, my Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Boys." Mr. Weed said to the team, "Time for batting practice. Guillermo, you're up."

Guillermo took the bat from Mr. Weed's hands and went for home base.

"Unfortunately, Johnson isn't her to pitch today." Mr. Weed then informed everyone, "His wife is in labor."

"Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him?" Peter asked in sarcasm as he removed his mask and tossed it aside, "Jeez, I'll pitch."

"Hah! I don't know what's more questionable, you're pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity." Frank Jr remarked.

"Eh, how hard can-"

Peter could say more, a laugh track played in the background all of a sudden. This lasted for 5 seconds before Peter could speak again.

"Uh." Tyler responded to the laugh earlier, "What was that?"

"I don't have the slightest clue as to what happened just now." John answered.

"Anyway, how hard can it be to pitch?" Peter claimed.

Guillermo was ready at the plate. Peter then threw the ball, but it hit Guillermo in the knee, causing the player to collapse in pain.

"Uh." Peter said at what he did, "Okay, take your base."

"Somebody call 911!" Mr. Weed said as he ran to Guillermo's side, "Tell them he's allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel!"

Peter walked up to them and Mr. Weed turned his attention to Peter.

"Idiot!" Mr. Weed said to Peter, "If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired!" He then left.

"Oh, man, what am I gonna do if I get fired?" Peter asked, "I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model."

**Cutaway #2**

It showed that of a Calvin Klein commercial, where it panned through a line of teen models expressing what they're thinking right now.

"I don't wanna be just like everyone else." A girl model thought.

"But I don't want to be different" A boy model then thought.

"I just wanna be..." Another girl model thought and left the last part of the sentence to Peter, who was the last one.

"What was the name of the bad guy from _TRON_?" Peter thought instead, "Ugh, this is gonna drive me nuts!"

**End**

Lois was busy talking with one of the new neighbors next door. The neighbor was the wife and she was already a few months pregnant. Her name was Bonnie.

"Moving is never easy on a family." Lois said to Bonnie.

"Well, we are gonna miss the go-go-go pace of Providence." Bonnie said, "But with number two on the way, Joe thought it was time to move and I can't say no to Joe." She gave a slight giggle, "Ever."

"Oh, Quahog can be pretty exciting, too." Lois informed her, "Last week, someone lost an eye at bingo."

**Cutaway #3**

It then showed a bingo game, where a man was taking a number out of the bin.

"I-17" The man announced, but the ball slipped out and fell to the floor, "Oh, darn it."

The man then bends down to pick up the ball, but accidentally hits his eye on the corner of the table as he screams in pain.

**End**

"Oh, I haven't played bingo in years!" The woman said in delight.

"Silence!" Stewie shouted, "Ever since you two met, you've done nothing but wax idiotic!" He jumped off of Lois' arms and tried to run off, "I must escape this infernal babble!" As he tried to run, the leash he was strapped on to stopped him and pulled him back.

"What a little explorer." The woman chuckled at what she saw.

"Yes, he's so full of wonder." Lois said affectionately.

"Oh, to be the Lindbergh baby right about now." Stewie lamented.

Then the garage door opened and a truck with a boy and a male driver was backing out. The man was the woman's husband, Joe. the boy was Zeke

"Joe, Zeke you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin." The wife told her husband.

"It's a pleasure, Lois." Joe greeted Lois, then Zeke pointed to Stewie, "Who's the little guy?"

"This is Stewie." Lois informed Joe, "Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson and Zeke."

"You will bow to me." Stewie threatened.

The camera then panned to the backyard of the house, where a somewhat muscular young man was busy reading.

"Hi, I'm Persephone." Persephone said walking in and greeting the boy, "I live next door."

"I know." The boy said, "I've admired you from afar. Will you go out with me?"

"I'd love to." Persephone said accepting the boy's offer. She sat next to him and he then held her hand.

This, however, turned out to be merely a fantasy as it planned to Persephone in the kitchen viewing the boy who was still reading.

"Oh, he's gay." Chris said appearing next to Persephone.

"You wish!" Persephone responded, "Get out of here, you mouth breather!"

Meanwhile, Peter and the boys were driving back home from practice.

"Oh! I'm as good as fired." Peter griefed, "Where the hell am I gonna find a guy as strong as Guillermo? One time I walked into the locker room, I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed."

"I don't think they were bench-pressing." Tyler said.

"Then, what were they doing?" Peter asked Tyler.

Before Tyler could give his answer, however, he then paused for about 3 seconds. "I rather not know the answer." Tyler finally said.

"Same goes for me here." John agreed who was in the back seat.

"Oh, great." Peter said as he was pulling up on his driveway, "Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors."

"Well, I think she wants you to meet them." Frank said to Peter.

"Ugh, she's always trying to make me be social." Peter explained, "Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem."

**Cutaway #4**

Peter and Lois were in fact planting somewhere around Jerusalem, but get into a bind with the locals.

"What?" Peter asked the residents, "Look, all I'm saying' is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference."

**End**

Zeke then walks to frank and said "hey my name is Zeke Swanson."

"Yeah, nice to meet you, Zeke." Frank accept Zeke's offer, "You know, you got a remind me of some I know. So, are you good at bows and guns."

"I do that, I'll keep myself in shape and in mind." Zeke chuckled,

Peter then decided to go meet the new neighbors.

"You must be Peter." Joe acknowledged Peter as he then held up his hand for Peter to shake, "Joe Swanson."

"Yeah, yeah, nice to meet you, Phil." Peter rudely rejected Joe's offer, "You know, you got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too. So, don't think you always have to bug me."

"I'll keep that in mind." Joe chuckled, "Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?"

"Man, you neighbors are like viruses." Peter said annoyed, "It starts with a screwdriver and before you know it, you're using my supermarket, my dry cleaner and even my postman."

"The postman doesn't belong to anyone, Grandpa." Frank Jr informed Peter.

"What did I tell you about being a smartass?" Peter reminded Frank Jr.

"Don't be one?" Frank Jr guessed.

"There we go-" Peter was about to say, until he realized, "Hey, wait a minute!"

"Anyway, can you all believe that guy?" Peter asked as he turned back to his opinion at Joe, "'Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?' What an ass."

Later at night, Peter was still finding a replacement for Guillermo. He was laying on his back on his bed with Frank Jr next to him.

"So, Grandpa, have you found a replacement for the team?" Frank Jr asked Peter.

"No." Peter answered, "And believe me, I've been looking."

**Cutaway #5**

Peter was at a Chinese restaurant, sitting with an Asian business man with an Asian sports athlete, who was eating.

"Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team." The business man told Peter, "But he wishes to know what compensation you offer."

"Uhh..." Peter said trying to think of a good answer, "Me-Me love you long time?"

**End**

"Gosh, I'd like to help you, grandpa." Frank Jr said to Peter as he got off the bed, "But, uh, I gotta go out in the hall and chew on a Sneakers for about 5 minutes." he then left the room passing by Lois.

"Oh, Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie to your game on Saturday." Lois informed Peter.

"Lois, I want those people there." Peter said, "See, this is why I ask you to submit everything to me in writing first."

"Bonnie told me that Joe is a big baseball fan." Lois said, "He played in Bonnie."

"He did?" Peter asked interested.

The scene shifted to Peter and Frank at the Swanson's' door, holding a screwdriver.

"Welcome to the neighborhood." Peter greeted Bonnie, who answered the door.

Peter then walked into a room where Joe was still unpacking.

"Hiya, Joe." Peter greeted Joe.

"Peter!" Joe acknowledged at Peter's appearance.

"Oh, don't get up." Frank said.

"This is a surprise." Joe said as he was holding a winning baseball trophy, proving to Peter he did, in fact, play in the day, "I kind of thought you didn't like me." He then placed the trophy on the shelf next to him.

"Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon?" Peter asked, "Oh, no, no, no. See, I have that disease where stuff just pops out of your mouth. GO TO HELL! GO TO HELL! Whoop, heh. See what I mean? Hehehehehe."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Joe apologized as he took out another trophy from a box, "I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver." This convinced Frank to go deeper.

"Are you kiddin'?" Frank exclaimed, "You can borrow whatever you want."

"Great." Joe responded, "Say, you wouldn't happen to have any picture wire, do you?"

"Picture wire?" Peter asked under his breath, "You son of a bitch."

Just when Peter was starting to get aggitated, Joe pulled up another trophy. This time, it was bigger than the others Peter saw.

"Uh, SON OF A BITCH! SON OF A BITCH! Heh, there it goes again." Peter lied hoping to still try and get on Joe's good side.

"I don't want to impose." Joe said.

"No problem, that's what neighbors do." Frank informed Joe, "A-And you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company's softball team like this Saturday. Huh, what do ya say, neighbor?"

"Sounds like fun." Joe accepted Peter's offer.

"Hey. So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement."

As soon as Peter said that, his and Frank head then morph into that of Mickey Mouse's, though it didn't seem to bother Joe one bit.

"Ho-oh. See you at the game, Joe. Ho-oh." Frank said in Mickey's voice.

The next day, the team was already at the field, ready for the game. Peter's family was also there to cheer him, Frank, John and Tyler on. Elsewhere on the field.

"Hey, you want a piece of gum?" A player from the rival team in a red uniform asked a player from the Toy Boys in blue uniform.

"Oh, thanks." The latter said, then put it in his mouth to chew.

"Ha, ha!" The player in red said, "That was joke gum."

"What do you mean?" The player in blue asked.

"Now you're addicted to heroin." The red player replied.

The two laughed it off, until, "I'm cold." Said the blue player.

Peter was a little nervous about his deal with Joe last night.

"Hey, Lois!" Lois hollered out to Peter from the bleachers, which Peter waved back.

"It's nice that your family is hear, Peter." Mr. Weed said remarking to Peter, "If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them... at home." This got both Peter, John and Tyler worried.

"Oh, uh, he-he'll be here, Mr. Weed." Peter said hoping to sound assuring to his boss, "Oh, you should see this guy in action!"

"Wow, he sounds like a real pro already!" John acknowledged in excitement.

"Oh, you bet he is!" Peter responded, "He can hit, he can throw-"

"Peter!" Joe yelled calling out to Peter, who was, for some reason, in a wheelchair.

"What's he doing in a wheelchair?" Mr. Weed asked Peter confused.

"HOLY CRIP, HE'S A CRAPPLE!" Peter exclaimed realizing what was going on.

"You got it the other way around, Mr. Griffin." Tyler corrected Peter.

"Oh, yeah, you're right. Sorry." Peter said to Tyler, "HOLY CRAP, HE'S A CRAPPLE!"

"What?!" John and Tyler both exclaimed in unison.

"Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic?" Mr. Weed asked Peter sternly.

"Please tell us this is a joke, right?" John said.

"Heh, okay, Joe, y-you got me." Peter said to Joe nerviously, "Heh, rise and shine. Come on, stand and deliver. Get the hell up."

"Hahaha, you're a hoot, Peter." Joe acknowledged to Peter's "joke."

"Play ball." The umpire announced.

"LET'S DO IT!" Joe shouted in team spirit.

"I swear I didn't know." Peter assured to Mr. Weed, "M-Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him."

"I got shortstop." Joe said. This gave Peter a slight, nervous laugh.

"We're doomed..." John acknowledged in disappointment.

"You don't know." Tyler assured his friend, "We could do well."

"Yeah?" Frank asked Tyler, "Well, for my job's sake, I hope you're right."

Back at the bleachers, the wife's were starting to get to know each other.

"The movers tracked grease all over my carpet." Bonnie said to Lois, "I tried everything to get the stain out."

"What about lemon juice?" Lois suggested.

"Oh, what about club soda?" Bonnie then suggested also.

"What about SHUTTING THE HELL UP?!" Stewie shouted in annoyance.

Meanwhile, Persephone was trying to get the boy from earlier attention.

"Isn't baseball great?" Persephone asked him, but got no response. She then up another thing to say, "They say baseball's the national pastime." She still got nothing as she patting her thighs for another strategy, until, "I can't taste salt."

Back on the field, John was at second base. While he was waiting for the pitcher to swing, he then noticed Meg sitting next to the neighbor's son, where she appeared to be having her eyes on him. This got distracted from the remainder of the game, until he got hit to his right side by accident by the pitcher and knocked him out. Everyone then went to his aid and then everything went black.

John woke up and found Frank, Tyler and Peter next to him.

"Uuhhhh..." John groaned as he started gaining consciousness.

"J-man, are you okay?" Tyler asked John.

"I-I guess..." John responded, "Wh-What happened?"

"You got hit by a baseball." Frank informed, "But, J-man, what happened out there?"

"Yeah, John." Peter said, "What got to ya?"

"I..." John said, then paused, "I don't know. I thought I saw something very unusual."

"What'd you see?" Tyler asked him.

"I... I can't remember." John answered.

"Well, it doesn't look too serious." Joe said searching for any signs of injury on the side of John's head, "There's no sign of cuncussion."

"Well, that's good, I guess." Frank said.

"But I recommend that he rest before playing again." Joe informed, "Just to be sure."

"If you say so." John said and rested on the bench.

"Alright, play ball!" The umpire announced and soon, everyone got back onto the field.

"Oh, crap!" Peter exclaimed, "Don't hit it to Joe. Please don't hit to Joe! Please don't hit it to Joe!"

The pitcher threw the ball and the batter got a hit and ran for second base. Joe then caught the ball and threw it to second base, striking an out.

"YOU'RE OUT!" The umpire shouted.

"Whoa, Tyler. You were right." Peter said to Tyler, "Alright, Joe! Way to earn that parking space!"

"No one EVER believes me!" Tyler remarked in aggrivation, "I don't know why!"

"Alright!" Meg cheered as everyone else on the bleachers cheered for Joe.

"Did you see that?" Lois asked Bonnie.

"That's my Joe!" Bonnie responded cheering.

"What the deuce?" Stewie exclaimed in confusion, "Half-man, half-machine. Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans." He then looked toward the field, "GO, CYBORG!"

It eventually lead to the Pawtucket Pranksters by 8 and the Quahog Toy Boys only one scoreless. Everyone then put all their hope on Joe to win the game, who was now at bat.

"It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders." Mr. Weed said.

Joe managed to get a hit and the ball zoomed fast enough to avoid the Pranksters' grasp.

"Alright, Joe!" Mr. Weed cheered, "Run!"

"Alright, Joe!" Peter cheered also to Joe, "Come on! Yeah!"

Joe then wheeled from first base, then to second base, then to third.

"Hurry, Joe!" Mr. Weed continued cheering on Joe, "Alright! Yes, vamos!"

Unfortunately, one of the rival team players got the ball and threw to home base, who caught it and was now waiting, hoping they would tag Joe out. Joe, however, hopped up out of the way and got to home base safely. Everyone cheered wildly for Joe's victory.

"Let's hear it for Joe!" One of the Toy Boys said as they lifted Joe in victory.

"Yeah, and let's hear it for the guy who found Joe! Yay, uh, okay..." Peter said trying to get some credit, but to no avail, "Huh."

"Uh, yay, Mr. Griffin?" John, who had just finished resting, said hoping to help Peter.

The Swanson's were serving a celebration over today's win at the softball field.

"That's finger sucking' good, huh?" Joe said to someone eating one of the grilled foods, "It's an old policemen's recipe. Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a PIG in a blanket."

Everyone then laughed at Joe's joke.

"Joe, you're so funny!" Bonnie praised her husband.

"Oh, they love that one down at the Precinct." Joe said as he took another wiener off the grill.

It then panned to Peter by the pool with Frank, Frank Jr, John, Tyler and Brian.

"Oh, this sucks, guys. Joe's stealing my thunder." Peter said to his friends.

"Hey, everybody!" Joe said to everyone, "Time to Limbo!" He then wheeled past under the bar in success.

"Face it." Frank Jr told Peter, "He's the life of the party."

"Oh, yeah?" Peter asked Frank Jr, "I'll show you who the life of the party is!" Peter then jumped into the pool all of a sudden.

"He-Hey, look!" Peter hollered to everyone, hoping to get some attention, "Hey! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that? That is SO Peter Griffin. Huh? Guys? Huh... Guys?"

Peter was now sitting at the patio drying off.

"That's my idea." Joe said to Mr. Weed about something.

"Peter, come here." Mr. Weed called to Peter.

"Oh, finally." Peter acknowledged and came over to where Mr. Weed and Joe were at, "A little recognition."

"Joe has the most wonderful idea." Mr. Weed said to Peter.

"Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys." Joe responded, "You know, to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged!"

"Oh, yeah? Oh, that's what kids want to play with. Yeah. Beanie Baby in a bubble." Peter said sarcastically at Joe's idea, "What about my idea? Come on! Tootie morphs into a stink bug."

"BRILLIANT!" Tyler and Frank shouted from a distance.

"Joe, you're exactly the kind of man we need at our company." Mr. Weed said to Joe, "Peter, go make yourself useful. Go get Joe a drink."

"Jeez, first he takes my friends. Then he takes my job." Peter said to himself, "But the way I wear my hat..." Peter then stopped and paused for a second, "No, no. He can't take that away from me."

"But you don't wear a hat." Tyler pointed out to Peter out of nowhere.

"Leave me alone." Peter told Tyler.

"Okay." Tyler replied as he walked away.

"You!" Stewie appeared, pointing at Joe, "How come you by this metal construct? I demand to know who made you!"

"Stewie, it's not polite to point." Lois said to Stewie, "I'm sorry."

"That's okay, Lois." Joe assured Lois and placed Stewie on his lap, "He's just curious about the chair. About 10 years ago, I was investigating a robbery at an orphanage."

It flashed back to an orphanage in the winter. It was called Luckey's Orphanage on the sign out front with the tag, "No one knows you're here."

"It was Christmas Eve and some presents have been stolen." Joe narrated as his younger self came in.

Joe then got out of the car and ran to the building. He put up a ladder and climbed to the roof, where he spotted possibly the crook. He sneaked up to him and got his pistol out.

"Reach for the sky, dirt bag!" Joe threatened the thief, who was revealed to be the Grinch, "Alright, and pal! You've stolen your last Christmas."

Suddenly, the Grinch kicked the gun out of Joe's hands, then punched him in the gut and then knocked him off his feet. He then charged at Joe, but the latter kicked pushed him back and got back on his feet.

As you guessed it, it played out like in the original episode, with the Grinch's feet lassoed with Christmas lights.

"You think you have won. You think all is well..." The Grinch said as he grabbed a roller skate, "But kiss my Grinchy ass. I shall see you in Hell!" He then threw the skate to Joe's direction and Joe trips on it and slides off the roof, landing on the ground on his face. The children inside then came out and found Joe outside.

"Are you Timmy?" Joe asked a boy in front of him and the boy nodded. Joe then handed him a present and told him Merry Christmas.

The story ended and everyone, but Joe was found tearing up from it.

"OH, ENOUGH!" Stewie shouted in annoyance, not caring about the story, "If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force!"

"Wow." Lois exclaimed in amazement, "Looks like you have a fan."

"Come on." Peter came in and told his family, "Let's get outta here."

"Peter, you can't leave." Joe said to Peter.

"Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd-I'd ta-take them on a DREAM vacation to Hawaii right now." Peter told Joe as he led the kids away, "Say aloha, kids."

"What are you talking about?" Persephone asked Peter, "We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories."

"He's cool, dad." Chris said to Peter, "He killed a guy."

"Well, technically, he was killed by the state." Joe corrected, "But funny story; he did curse my name just before the injection."

Everyone, but Peter, then laughed after hearing Joe. Peter stormed away and Lois followed him in anger.

"Peter, what's the matter with you?" Lois asked Peter sternly.

"Why are you guys making such a deal over Joe?" Peter asked Lois, "You're not supposed to admire wheelchair people, you're supposed to feel sorry for them. Sheez, when did it become okay to be handicapped?"

"Don't talk like that!" Lois said to Peter, "He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him!"

"Oh, fine, then why don't you all marry him?" Peter talked back, "And-And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this." He then went a little back and started imitating walking, "Hey, look at me! I'm walking! Oh, I'm a remarkable man!" This gave Lois a stern look on her face.

Later, Peter was kicked out and was sitting on the front porch of his house. Frank, Frank Jr, John, Tyler and Brian came back to the house.

"Well, look who finally came home." Peter acknowledged, "Sheesh, I thought you were gonna spend all night over at Joe's."

"Heh, I could've." Brian replied, "That man has got magic fingers. He found this one spot behind my ear, I, heh, forget about it, I thought my leg was never gonna stop."

"Yeah, Joe's a real party animal." Frank said.

"I don't believe this." Peter said in annoyance, "My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on."

"Well, it's not too hard to see why. I mean, the guy's a hero." Frank Jr pointed out, "He makes the world a better place."

"Hey, hey, hey, I've done lots of things to help people." Peter informed Frank Jr, "Remember the time I sang to the kids down at the Sunday school?"

"That makes you a good person." Tyler said.

"Except he forgot the words." Brian told Tyler.

**Cutaway #6**

Peter was playing a guitar and singing a song to the children in a Sunday school.

_Jesus loves me_

_He loves me a bunch_

_'Cause He always puts Skippy_

_In my lunch_

This only made the children confused.

**End**

"No, no, no, it's not the same thing." Frank assured Peter, "Joe puts himself in real danger every day."

"Oh, you're right. I'll never become that kind of hero." Peter said moping, "Unless I put myself in real danger, too! For my family's sake!" Peter then left.

"Ugh, why are the pretty ones always so dumb?" Brian asked.

"Who knows?" Tyler replied.

The next morning, Joe was stirring some soup, then took a taste test. Behind him, a cabinet door opened to reveal Stewie inside, who pulls out grappling hook and hooked onto a lamp on the then swung toward Joe, but the latter left at the last minute and Stewie ended up swinging out the window.

Meanwhile back at the house, Peter was listening to what appeared to be an average radio.

"We have a gang shooting on Third and Main." The man said on the radio, "Three wounded, one dead."

"Is it me or is rap just getting lazier all of a sudden?" Tyler asked.

"No, no, it's my new police scanner." Peter informed Tyler, who was with John and Brian, "This hero thing is gonna be easy once I find the right crime." Peter then turned the dial to listen in.

"We have a domestic disturbance-" A voice said on the scanner, but Peter wasn't interested.

"Boring!" Peter exclaimed.

"Report of a stabbing-" Another voice said.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Peter said, again, uninterested.

"All units! All units! A major bank robbery is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust." The man in the scanner announced, "Suspects are and extremely dangerous."

"Perfect!" Peter proclaimed, "Where's Lois and the kids?"

"Uh, over at Joe's." Frank told Peter.

"Well, go fetch 'em" Peter ordered Brian, "They're about to see a real hero in action."

He had his hand on a bust on the kitchen counter.

"Tyler, did you get me that Batcave I asked?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Yeah." Tyler answered.

"Good. To the Batcave!" Peter announced, which he opened a secret compartment in the bust to reveal a red button. He pressed it and a secret passage opened.

"Oh, that Batcave?" Tyler asked.

"Yep. Why?" Peter asked Tyler as he, Frank, John and Tyler slid down the pole.

"Because I thought you meant like a real..." Tyler explained as everything went dark. Peter turned the lights on through a pull string, which revealed to be a bat-filled cavern.

"Bat cave." Tyler said finishing his sentence.

"Uh oh." All four said in realization and turned the light off.

In the dark was only the screeching of bats and the yells and cries of John, Tyler and Peter.

After that, Peter was driving the family (Frank, John and Tyler included) to his appointed destination.

"You guys thought Joe was something, you ain't seen nothing' yet." Peter told his family.

"Peter, what's the big rush?" Lois asked Peter, but before Peter could answer, he finally arrived at the bank.

"Alright, you guys wait right here." Peter said to the family, "Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal." Peter then left with Frank, John, Tyler and Brian and went inside.

Inside the bank, the robbers were about to leave.

"Let's give Tammy a round of applause." A robber in a green mask said, "This was her first robbery and she was very brave."

The hostages gave, as the robber ordered, a round of applause while their hands were still up. The clerk gave a wave toward them while also having her hands up the air.

"Now before we go-" A robber in a red mask was about to say.

"No, don't go." A little girl begged coming up to the robbers.

"Oh, princess, we have to." Robber #2 told her.

"I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys." Peter warned the robbers as he entered the scene, "'Cause there's a five-year sleepover at the big house and you're invited."

"You'll never take us alive!" Robber #2 said back and pointed at the hostages. Robber #1 pointed his gun in the air and started firing it.

The four then ran and hid under a desk to avoid gunfire.

"Oh, Lois and the kids should be in here to see this." Peter remarked.

"Yes, it's going very well." Frank sarcastically replied.

Back in the car, the family was still waiting for Peter to return.

"Mom, what do you do when you like a boy, but he doesn't even notice you?" Persephone asked Lois.

"Oh? Is this a boy you know very well?" Lois asked Persephone.

"Well, sort of." Persephone answered her.

"Is this a certain boy and his best friend who's living with us at the moment?" Lois then asked Meg.

"What are you talking about?" Persephone asked Lois, confused.

"Come on, Persephone." Lois said to Persephone, "I talking about John."

"John?!" Persephone exclaimed in shock and blushed a bit, "But-But, I don't have a-"

"Oh, Persephone, I'm just teasing you." Lois informed Persephone, "I know you two aren't like that. Besides, you two would make a bad pair. Now then, who is it you want to notice you?"

"Well, it's someone that I just met recently-" Persephone told Lois.

"Persephone loves Kevin." Chris sang teasing at Meg.

"SHUT UP, YOU BIG SACK OF DOG VOMIT!" Persephone shouted to Chris.

"Persephone, you're a sweet, lovely girl." Lois assured to Persephone, "He'll come around."

"Ugh, such a mom answer." Meg remarked.

"Well, have you tried showing off the goods?" Lois then asked Persephone, whose eyes widened after hearing her, "How's that for a mom answer?"

"Creepy." Persephone replied.

Oh, I saw some cute dresses down the street." Lois told Persephone, "If nothing else, it'll make you feel better. Come on, you guys." They then got out and left.

"And if things don't work out with Kevin, we could still try John next-" Lois teased Persephone.

"MOM!" Persephone exclaimed.

"Joking." Lois informed Meg again.

Meanwhile back inside the bank, Peter, Frank, Brian, John and Tyler were still under the desk.

"Well, if you want to be a hero, right now might be a good time." Brian said to Peter.

"Yeah, we could really use you right now." Frank said to Peter.

"Well, if you're so eager for me to save the day, then why don't YOU do it?" Peter said, "Can't you use those Chaos Emeralds or whatever you call them to stop those crooks?"

"I... I forgot to bring them." Tyler confessed.

"What?!" Peter exclaimed, "Well, why didn't you bring them?"

"I didn't think we were gonna need them. Alright?" Tyler said.

"Sheesh, guys, this isn't what I was expecting." Peter told his friends, "I thought being a hero would be all fun and games."

**Cutaway #7**

The cutaway opened with that of the _Superfriends_, where it then showed the Hall of Justice.

Inside, the Super Friends were playing strip poker, where Wonder Woman lost a hand to Peter.

"Sorry, Wonder Woman." Peter said to Wonder Woman, "I got three kings. Now let's see that pair."

Wonder Woman sighed in disappointment as she then unstrapped her bra. She placed it on the table and she was now topless off-screen. The men were of course enjoying it.

"Hehe, alright." Peter chuckled, "He-Hey, Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her."

It then ended with the usual _Superfriends _scene change.

**End**

"Come on. Let's get outta here." Robber #2 said to Robber #1 as the police soon arrived, "Oh, perfect."

The police attempted to enter the building, but Robber #2 came out.

"We've got hostages in here!" Robber #2 warned the police, "So, don't try anything funny!" Just as he said this, it showed, as if on cue, Tyler in a clown costume. "Awww." Tyler exclaimed in disappointment.

"Don't worry, guys." Peter informed Frank, John, Tyler (still in his clown suit) and Brian, "I got a plan."

"Oh, good, I thought you were just gonna improvise." Brian said.

"Oh. Well, actually, I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell." Peter confessed, "But, uh, improvise, that'll be easier on my back."

"Well, at least it might be better than his original plan." John acknowledged.

It did another _Superfriends_-escue scene change. Peter was with the two robbers.

"Okay, in this improve, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wife." Peter explained as Robber #1 and Tammy let out a laugh, "Okay and where are we?"

"A bar!" Said one man.

"A pet store!" Said another man.

"Gradalajara, Mexico!" Said an elderly woman.

"Okay, okay, I heard pet store" Peter said, "And I'm the gruff but lovable owner. Alright, begin."

He then started to repeatedly pet an imaginary cat.

"Hello, married couple." Peter said in improve, "I-I see you found a puppy."

"Uh, yeah." Robber #1 remarked, "His name is Sparky." He and everyone then laughed at his joke.

"But before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms." Peter said to Robber #1 as the latter gave him the gun, then suddenly, "Okay, drop it!" Robber #2 dropped the gun and raised his hands in the air.

The hostages cheered for Peter's victory as he took a bow.

"Alright, you guys." Peter said to everyone, "Let's get outta here." While no one was looking, John took the gun Robber #2 dropped and hid it underneath his shirt in case things backfire. Peter and the robbers were about to walk out, but Peter noticed the car and Lois and the kids weren't there.

"Whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on." Peter said stopping the crowd, "Sorry, no one can leave." The hostages awed in disappointment after hearing this.

"Ugh, listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero." Peter confessed to the hostages, "See, this wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and-and, well-"

"Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you?" The little girl finished Peter's statement.

That's right!" Peter answered, "How'd you know?"

"Oh, we've all been there." The old woman said as she hugged the girl.

Outside, Lois and the kids were coming back when they noticed police by the bank.

"Cool!" Chris exclaimed, "The bank is getting jacked!"

"Officer, my husband's in there!" Lois informed an armed policeman, "Can you tell me if he's okay?"

"Uh, what's he look like?" The policeman asked her.

"Uh, he's-he's wearing a wh-white-collared shirt, uh, kind of big, with glasses." Lois told the officer.

"I got him." The sniper said as he spotted Peter.

"Oh, thank God." Lois praised.

"Take him out." The policeman ordered the sniper.

"NO!" Lois exclaimed as she managed to stop the sniper.

Peter was looking through the glass doors and spotted Lois and the kids.

"Hey, there's my family." Peter pointed.

"Uh, I just want you to know I rob banks because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company." Robber #2 told Peter, "So, if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you." the robber then gave out his right arm for Peter to shake.

Peter switched the gun to his left hand so he could use his right hand, but Robber #2 snatched the gun out of Peter's grasp and pointed it at him.

"But-But-But-But I was gonna be a hero." Peter acknowledged.

"Nobody's going anywhere!" Robber #2 threatened.

At the Swanson's house, Bonnie was watching TV when the news came on.

"Joe!" Bonnie hollered out to Joe, "It's Peter! He's in trouble!"

On the TV was Tom Tucker.

"A failed robbery at Quahog Bank and Trust has led to a terrifying hostage situation." Tom Tucker reported when he notices the wrong image of the topic, "Oh, sorry. Wrong picture. That one for a later story." The camera panned to the left to the correct image, "There we go."

It cut back to Joe and Bonnie.

"I gotta go." Joe informed Bonnie.

"I know." Bonnie replied with a sense of trust in her voice as she and Joe gave a kiss before he left.

Back at the bank.

"Alright, if we want the cops to take us seriously, we're gonna have to waste a hostage." Robber #1 told Robber #2.

"Robbie #2 looked at Robber #1 for a moment, then asked.

"Where's your gun?"

"Oh, well, about that." Robber #1 said, "See, I can't seem to find it."

"What do you mean you can't find it?" Robber #2 questioned his partner, "You dropped it when the fat guy held my gun at us."

"I know, but I went back to where I dropped it and it wasn't there." Robber #1 explained.

"Ugh, alright, you can use mine." Robber #2 said handing Robber #1 his gun.

"Thanks." Robber #1 said, "Now who should we kill?"

"Uh, excuse me." Peter asked the robbers, "Shouldn't that be 'whom'?"

"Okay, you." Robber #2 decided.

"CRAP!" Peter exclaimed.

Robber #2 tried to shoot John, but John knocked the gun out of his hands, quickly grabbed it with his other hand and was now dual-wielding both pistols at them. They quickly gave in defeated.

"This is Police Lieutenant Joe Swanson." Joe's voice was heard coming from outside, "I know we can work this out together."

"Oh, jeez, not him again." Peter lamented, "Hope this place isn't wheelchair accessible."

Back outside, Lois was worried about what would happen to Peter when Bonnie appeared with Stewie in her arms.

"Bonnie, its Peter." Lois said to Bonnie.

"Don't worry." Bonnie assured Lois as she handed Stewie to her, "Joe's an excellent negotiator. I was a virgin when we met. Took him three hours."

Elsewhere, Persephone saw that this would be another opportunity to get Kevin to notice her.

"I can't believe my dad is in there." Persephone said, hoping Kevin would say anything, but, like before, to no avail, "This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life." Again, no luck, "I got a new dress."

Then a gunner close to them decided to step in. "Try talking about him." He said to Persephone.

"So, uh, do you like music?" Persephone said taking the man's advice.

"Oh, yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved." Kevin finally spoke, "But, uh, it interfered with my studies. Uh, what do you listen to?"

"Uh, you first." Persephone said, hoping to keep the conversation going.

"I'm into Garbage, Phish, and Blur..." Kevin told Persephone, "My parents don't like me listening to that stuff, but I do anyway BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT!" This caused Meg to be a bit alarmed, "I also like Radiohead."

Back inside the bank, John was by the doors, attempting to let the police know he was about to ambush them. Unfortunately, the robbers noticed him.

"Hey, what are you doing over there, kid?" Robber #2 asked John, "Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are just sweet-talking us just so that we'll surrender quietly. Well, you know what, we've changed our minds. This kid's gonna be the one to waste." Robber #2 then pointed the gun at John, who was still still at the door.

"J-MAN!" Tyler exclaimed.

"OH, NO!" Peter, Frank and Brian exclaimed also.

"But first, we'll ask that you come over here so that we'll kill you." Robber #2 said to John, "You're still part of the group. So, get over here."

Before John did what they told him, he looked back outside to see everyone, but then he noticed Persephone with Kevin again. This, for some reason, gave John a feeling of pent-up anger inside.

"Hey! I said, 'Get over here!' Right now, kid!" Robber #2 ordered John already in impatience.

John then got a look of anger on his face, possibly after seeing Meg with Kevin.

"I SAID, 'RIGHT NO-" Robber #2 was about to say at John, but the latter suddenly charged at him and his partner. Robber #2 tried to shoot John, but John knocked the gun out of his hands, quickly grabbed it with his other hand and was now dual-wielding both pistols at them. They quickly dropped to the ground in defeat.

"Okay, you win! You win!" Robber #2 said to John in fear, "Just don't shoot!"

"What the hell, John?" Peter said to John, "I was supposed to be the hero here. Remember?" He then looked at the robbers, "And come on, you guys. Don't let him scare you like that."

"Oh, uh, sorry, Mr. Griffin." John apologized to Peter as he realized what he did, "I don't know what came over me."

"Forget it." Robber #2 acknowledged, "It ain't worth getting killed for money."

"Yeah, I don't care if I get arrested." Robber #1 agreed, "I just wanna get the hell away from him!" He pointed at John.

The robbers then tried to run away, but Peter stopped them.

"Wait, wait, wait, you can't leave now." Peter said to the robbers, but they pushed him out of the way, "I'm supposed to be the hero here. W-Wait. Can you at least let me pistol-whip you a couple of times for the camera?"

The robbers were already gone.

"Dang stupid robbers with your guns and you're... Your make-out parties." Frank muttered under his breathe.

Everyone was cheering as the robbers quickly got in the police car and were taken away. The hostages then ran out with only Peter, John, Tyler and Brian there.

The police then lifted Joe off the ground and carried him away, leaving only his chair behind.

"AHA!" Stewie exclaimed as he now had the chance to take the chair for himself, "Excellent! They detached the human component from the machine." Stewie climbed on and tried to "activate" it, "Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go!" But, to Stewie's dismay, it didn't do anything, "Engage!" Still, nothing happened, "BLAST! Must be some kind of proprietary command system. Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter."

Stewie was then picked up by Lois.

"There you are." Lois said to Stewie, "I can't turn my back on you for a second."

"Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device." Stewie said, "And when I do, mother, victory shall-" But before Stewie could finish, Lois put a pacifier in his mouth and he quickly passed out.

"Peter, you had us so worried." Lois said to Peter as she and the kids came to Peter's side, "What on earth were you trying to prove?"

"I'm sorry." Peter apologized, "Joe is a great guy. I guess I was just tired of him being your hero."

"Peter, Joe is a hero, but he's not OUR hero." Meg told Peter, "YOU are."

"Really?" Peter asked.

"Yeah." Lois answered, "I mean, you're-you're always right there on the couch for us, making us laugh when we're upset, changing the channel when something boring comes on, and eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don't fight over it."

"Yeah, daddy." Persephone informed her father, "And if you, John and Tyler hadn't pulled this stunt, I would never learned to have manipulated Kevin."

"What's that now?" John and Tyler asked in unison to Persephone's statement.

"We will finish this at home and you're grounded." Frank said to the statement of Persephone's.

"And when the kids at school see us on TV, they'll think you guys are total psychos." Chris said to Peter, John and Tyler, "And I can say, 'Those psychos are my dad and my best friends!'"

"And I would never have won the silver in Nagano if you hadn't driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 AM." An Asian ice skater told Peter who was, for some reason, right there.

"Do we know you?" Frank Jr asked the skater.

"Huh. I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys." Peter acknowledged, "It's also about just being there for the people you love."

"HELP! SOMEONE JUST STOLE MY PURSE!" An old woman suddenly shouted.

"Who cares?" Peter said, "I don't even know you." The family, but John and Tyler left the woman.

"J-man, can I use one of your guns for a second?" Tyler asked John.

"Knock yourself out." John told Tyler as he tossed him one of the pistols from the robbery as he walked away.

Tyler then aimed the gun at the thief and fired the gun, but the head then disappeared.

"Uh, J-man!" Tyler hollered out to John, "Is it okay if the head disappears and red stuff is gushing out?"

"Don't know." John said off-screen, "Why?"

"No reason!" Tyler lied as he gave the gun to the old woman and dashed off, leaving the woman alone.

**The End**


	7. Chapter 6: The Son Draws and His Friend

**Chapter 6: The Son Draws and His Friend Writes**

It was late at night. Stewie was in the kitchen walking toward the fridge and opens it. He takes a quick look before grunting in annoyance.

"Oh, blasted matriarch!" Stewie said irritated, "She has failed once again to replenish this frigid box with potations. I shall give her a piece of my mind at once!" With that, Stewie slammed the fridge door.

Stewie scurried up the stairs, but slipped and hit his head on one of the stairs.

"Damn it!" Stewie exclaimed as he got back up and continued up the stairs.

Stewie then reached the door to the master bedroom and opened it.

"Now look here, you- Oh, my God!" Stewie was about to say, but stopped and exclaimed in shock.

He caught his parents having sex.

Stewie was back in the kitchen, this time with Lois, who was in a pink bathroom.

"Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie." Lois said to Stewie, trying to ease his condition, "W-What you saw was a very beautiful thing."

"Oh, evidently, madam, you and I differ GREATLY in our conception of beauty." Stewie said to Lois, "'This what I just witnessed was ghastlier as a thousand ghouls!" His hands were now shaking from the thought.

"Stewie, uh... Mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way." Lois explained, "In fact, sweetie, that's sorta how you were created."

"Oh! That is a vile and odious lie!" Stewie protested against Lois' statement, "How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda! Get out, you horrid woman! GET OUT!"

"Okay, honey, I'll go get your teddy bear." Lois affectionately responded to Stewie and kissed his head, obviously oblivious to his harsh comment.

Just as Lois left the room, Frank Jr then entered in his pajamas.

"Hi, Stewie." Frank Jr greeted Stewie, but the latter didn't respond due to obvious reasons, "You sick or something?"

"What's the matter?" Brian came in and asked what was going on.

"I don't know." Frank Jr answered, "I was coming up here to get a glass of water and found Stewie just sitting here like he's seen a ghost or something."

Brian took a look at Stewie to what was wrong and his eyes then widen in shock.

"Oh, good Lord." Brian exclaimed, "You saw them together, didn't you?"

Stewie nodded while muttering.

"Huh?" Frank Jr exclaimed confused.

Brian then whispered into Frank Jr's ear, explaining to him what it meant.

"Oh..." Frank Jr exclaimed in realization, but soon thought, "Oh! OH, MY GOSH!"

"There you go." Brian said to Frank Jr.

Brian then glanced at Stewie, then to Frank Jr and smiled while putting his arms behind his back.

"You know the tub where both of you take your baths?" Brian asked Stewie and Frank Jr.

They both nodded to Brian's question.

"...They've done it there, too."

Frank Jr and Stewie soon exclaimed in horror after hearing it.

(A/N: Right after this, Stewie came up to me and told me about what he thought before his incident.

"I thought the wiener was just to make lemonade." Was one of the things he told me?

Eventually, our conversation ended with him saying, "I'm scarred..." and we've never talked about it again since, although he did ask me not to tell anyone about it. Oh, well, I'm sure he'll understand.)

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

At a park were a group of scouts in a circle. Chris and Tyler were members, but they were by themselves and both appear to be scribbling on each respective's notebook.

The scoutmaster takes notice and walks toward them.

"What in the name of our Lord?" The scoutmaster exclaimed, "You two are out of the semicircle! All scouts have to sit in the semicircle!"

"Why?" Chris and Tyler asked in unison.

"Why?" The scoutmaster repeated, then shouted in fury, "WHY?!"

"Yeah, why?" Tyler replied.

"Saunders, tell them why?" The scoutmaster ordered a scout from the circle.

"Because it's Rule 142-B!-" The scout informed as he was quickly cut off the scoutmaster.

"Because it's Rule 142-B!" The scoutmaster repeated, "Good job, scout. Now drop and give me 20!"

"Thank you, sir!" The scout quickly responded.

"Ladies, this Saturday at 0800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your hard work and obidience." The scoutmaster informed his scouts.

"So?" Tyler then acknowledged.

"So? SO?!" The scoutmaster repeated just as before, "Is that all you have to say to what could be the greatest moment of your life?"

"No." Tyler answered.

"Are you trying to be a smartass with me?" The scoutmaster questioned Tyler.

"...Maybe." Tyler responded.

The scoutmaster then walked back to the semicircle with the scouts, whom whooed from hearing the news.

Tyler turned to Chris and saw that he was doing something.

"Watcha drawing', Chris?" Tyler asked Chris.

Chris then showed Tyler a drawing of the scoutmaster mooning his rear with his face on it.

"Ahahaha! That's funny!" Tyler said after seeing the drawing.

Chris looked at the notepad Tyler had on his lap.

"What are you doing with that?" Chris asked Tyler pointed at the notepad.

"Oh, this?" Tyler asked, "Eh, it's just writing."

"Can I read it?" Chris asked Tyler again.

"Well, it's not finished yet." Tyler informed Chris, "But, I guess you can some of it so far." Tyler handed the notepad to Chris and he begins reading it.

"Hey, this is pretty cool!" Chris praised Tyler's writing.

"Yeah, I've been working on it for a while." Tyler said.

"I hope this becomes a book." Chris exclaimed.

"It could, but I doubt it will." Tyler shrugged.

"Why?" Chris asked in the same tone as he and Tyler said to the scoutmaster, which irritated Tyler.

"...Not funny, Chris." Tyler said to Chris.

"Not funny what?" Chris asked Tyler as though he were serious.

The next day at the Griffin's house, the family (except Peter and Frank Jr) was watching _Happy Days_.

"Mom, dad, I really like Potsie." Richie said to his parents, who were having breakfast.

"Why not, dear?" His mother asked, "Potsie's a very nice boy."

"Uh, no, mom." Richie informed her, "I-I mean, I REALLY like Potsie."

"We heard you the first time, son." Mr. Cunningham, Richie's father said, "You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie."

Cuts back to the Griffins.

"You have anything on that remote lower than mute?" Brian asked determined to not hear any more from the TV.

"I do!" Tyler answered as he pulled out one of the Chaos Emeralds, his eyes began shining red and his hair began waving around, "CHAOS-"

But before Tyler could use Chaos Blast at the TV, Peter and Frank walked in.

"I got a surprise for and Tyler, Chris." Peter informed Chris as he turned to what was on TV, "Oh, uh, geez, it'll have to wait." Peter pulls Tyler down on the couch, stopping his attempt, "Watch this. This is one where the Fonz goes 'Ay!'"

It then showed Fonzie on the TV, does in deed says "Ay!"

"Hahaha, in your face, 1950s!" Frank Jr acknowledged, "And people said they weren't funny back then."

"Yeah." Peter agreed, "Okay, let's go." Peter then dragged Tyler and Chris out of the living room.

In the garage, Peter unveiled two draped objects on the floor and they were revealed to be go-karts.

"Chris, Tyler." Peter said to both Tyler and Chris, "These are the speed machines that are gonna win one of you the soapbox derby."

"But, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter, "We were supposed to build our own carts ourselves."

"Yeah, it's a rule." Chris agreed.

"Aw, come on." Peter exclaimed, "Rules were made to be broken."

"Are you sure about that, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Absolutely." Peter assured Tyler.

"Okay. Name one time." Tyler challenged Peter.

**Cutaway #1**

Peter was standing near a red button on a wall behind him with a sign above it reading "DO NOT PUSH BUTTON." After glancing it a few times, he pushes the button and, as if on cue, an Asian man in martial arts attire walked up to Peter. He gave a greeting bow before swift-kicking Peter to the side, knocking him out on the floor. The Asian man soon walks away.

**End**

"Here, let me show you two the turbo booster." Peter told Tyler and Chris as they were sitting by both drawing and writing.

"Uh, dad." Chris said to Peter, "What'd you say I told you me and Tyler both didn't want to be in the Scouts?"

"I'd say 'come again'?" Peter told Chris, "And then I'd laugh 'cause I said 'come.'"

"And that's funny how?" Tyler asked about Peter's response.

"Uh..." Peter said before shrugging it off, "I'll tell you some other time. But, anyway, thank God that's not the case, eh? You're scouts and you know what that means? That means I love ya. Both of ya."

Tyler and Chris then groan in unease.

Later, it showed John in the basement playing _Galaga _on his NES. He was at his last ship and seemed to be on a winning streak so far. Unfortunately, however...

"Hey, J-ma-" Tyler said but got shortly cutoff.

"AH!" John exclaimed in surprise as his ship in the game was then hit by the enemy bugs, causing him to lose.

"Aw, dang it, Tyler!" John said at Tyler, "What do you want?"

It then cut to Chris outside a door when Tyler came up to him with John.

"Okay, Chris. I got him over here." Tyler told Chris.

"What are we doing here?" John asked Tyler.

"You'll see." Tyler told John as he opened the door revealing to be Persephone's room, whom was busy brushing her hair with her hat off.

"Persephone's room?" John exclaimed in surprise, "I thought you said you needed me for something."

"Chris, get out of here!" Persephone ordered Chris, "You guys are not allowed in my room."

"Oh, come on." John protested at Persephone's order, "It's not like you were naked or something. Plus, even if you were, you'd probably cover up your head with that jacket of yours rather than cover up the rest of you."

Persephone's jaw dropped wide after she heard him say that, while Tyler and Chris just stare at him in shock.

"GET OUT!" Persephone said from in her room as John was thrown out by force and landed on the floor. Persephone shut the door behind her and turned to Chris and Tyler.

"Okay." Meg said, "What do you two want?"

"Well, I was hoping to talk about this with J-man." Tyler said to Persephone, "But, due to certain reasons, me and Chris are gonna talk to you instead."

"Again. What do you want?" Persephone repeated.

"Persephone, Chris and I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore." Tyler explained to Persephone as he and Chris then sat on the bed, "Chris just wants to draw and I just want to write."

"Yeah, we were kinda hoping you and John could tell dad." Chris said, "But, uh... Try and open with a joke."

"Tell him yourselves." Persephone told Chris and Tyler.

"We can't." Tyler told her, "We don't want to disappoint him."

"Yeah, you remember what happened when he tried to sneak me in the county fair?" Chris reminded Persephone.

**Cutaway #2**

It showed the inside of a ticket booth, where Peter came up disguised as a horse hoping to sneak Chris into the fair.

"Uh, one, please." Peter said to the ticket vendor.

Unfortunately, Chris soon sneezed, who was the back, blowing their cover.

"Wait a second, your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk!" The ticket vendor acknowledged in realization, "No, no, no, no, no, no, nothing about this adds up at all!"

Peter then groaned in irritance.

**End**

Persephone sighed seeing what Chris meant.

"Okay, look." Persephone said to Chris and Tyler, "Dad is really easy. All you two have to do is sit on his lap, give him a BIG kiss on the cheek, look him RIGHT in the eye, and he's butter."

"Maybe that's how you'll get into college. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." John acknowledged at the door.

"Get out!" Persephone shouted at John again whilst throwing her hairbrush at him.

"Ow! Okay, okay, I'll get out!" John said as he immediately left the room.

We now see Peter and Frank watching TV on the couch. Tyler and Chris walk up and jump on Peter's lap.

"Oooof, what the hell?" Peter exclaimed being caught off-guard.

"Mr. Griffin, the Scouts aren't fun and-" Tyler was about to say to Peter.

"Wait, Tyler, you forgot the-" Chris told Tyler.

"Oh, yeah. Right." Tyler said as he and Chris kissed his cheek.

"Guys. I am going to stand up..." Frank informed Chris and Tyler, "Walk out of this room. And we will never speak of this again."

"But we did speak of this-" Tyler was about to say.

"We never speak of this again. Okay?" Frank asked Tyler.

"Okay." Tyler said as he and Chris got off Peter, who got up and walked away without a word. After a moment, Tyler then realized, "It didn't work, did it?"

"No." Chris answered moaning.

The following week, the soapbox derby had arrived, where even Speed Racer was one of the racers.

"Speed, I do not think you should be in this race! Ha-ha!" Speed's father, Pops, said to him in animation to that of their show as the racer hopped out of his car and did his signature pose, "The Mach 5 is not ready! Ha-ha!"

"But, Pops, I must be in this race! Ha-ha!" Speed said to Pops, also in the same format of their show.

"Very well, uh-ruh. But, you know, I am not really your father! Ha-ha!" The father confessed to Speed, who awed in disappointment after hearing it.

Chris and Tyler were already in their cars and turned to their right to see Peter and Frank Jr holding up a sign that read "Kick Ass or Don't Come Home."

"What?" Tyler exclaimed.

Then it planned to Lois and meg, the family on the left with Lois holding up another sign that read "Oh, he's just teasing." It was then revealed to be a three-panel sign as it folded to another card that read "You know how your father/Mr. Griffin gets." Then it folded to yet another card reading "We both love you two very much" before ending with "No matter what happens." on the last card.

The Scoutmaster then stepped in to start the race.

"Okay, girls." The Scoutmaster told his scouts, "Get ready..."

The scouts started making noises to make it sound like their cars were revving engines. Chris was doing a little drawing before the race started and the same kinda went for Tyler as he wrote a little on his notepad.

"...get set..." The Scoutmaster said.

"Please, uh, uh..." Peter said as he snapped his fingers a few times to figure out the right word, "Uh, God, I don't ask you for much, but let my boy and Tyler win this race."

"Do not go until I wave my flag, I can't stress that enough." The Scoutmaster informed the racers, "I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks." He then waved it to show what it would look like.

"There it goes!" Tyler acknowledged believing that the race was starting and turned to Chris, "Go, Chris! GO!"

Chris then started his car, but the wheel broke off and begun to roll off the hill on its own. Tyler tries to help by grabbing the edge of Chris' car, but gets pulled along with him.

"Look out!" Tyler and Chris warned as their vehicles were rolling toward the Scoutmaster.

"Griffins are disqualified." The Scoutmaster announced as he was running for his life, "Griffins are disqualified." His foot gets caught on the back bumper of Chris' car and gets dragged behind it as it kept rolling downhill.

Later at the Quahog Community Center, Peter was with the Scoutmaster talking about Chris and Tyler.

"Your boys are out of the scouts!" The Scoutmaster, who had a few band-aids on his face and his uniform was a bit tattered, informed Peter. Chris and Tyler were also with them.

"Geez, who died and made YOU President Nixon?" Peter said to the Scoutmaster.

"Mr. Griffin, Nixon was president of the 70s..." Tyler corrected Peter, "Or was it the 80s? I don't know about the presidents, so don't judge me!"

"Look, it's been two years for your son and only a few weeks for his friend!" The Scoutmaster informed Peter, "Not one of those idiots has earned a single merit badge. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings."

"Aw, come on. Give them a little more time, huh?" Peter begged to the Scoutmaster.

"Alright! Alright!" The Scoutmaster responded, "You got three days to earn a badge!"

"Three days? That's tomorrow!" Peter acknowledged, "We gotta get goin'!"

Later, it was now dinnertime.

"Stewie, look what mommy made for desert." Lois said to Stewie as she placed a bowl of red gelatin on his high-chair.

"Oh, Jell-O. How exotic!" Stewie said sarcastically, "Why I feel like I'm on the deck of the _QE II_."

"Who?" Frank Jr asked in confusion.

"...imbecile." Stewie sighed.

"Uh, I, Frank, Chris and Tyler will take ours to go." Peter told Lois, "We only got one more night to get that badge."

Chris and Tyler looked at John, Frank and Persephone, Meg, who both nodded to Chris and Tyler to inform them that now is a good time to tell Peter.

"Uh, dad, maybe we should just give up." Chris said to Peter.

"Yeah, we tried everything." Tyler joined Chris.

"Well, we almost got that one for insect study." Peter pointed out.

"I don't see how." Tyler said.

**Cutaway #3**

Peter, Chris and Tyler were behind what appeared to be bushes.

"Look, guys." Peter said to Chris and Tyler, "It's a whole family of WASPs."

It then panned to the left of the camera where it revealed to actually be the interior of a house with a WASP family. They were eating dinner acting very calm and relaxed.

"My, Margaret." The father said to his wife, "What a sub-par ham."

The wife's eyes widened in surprise after hearing her husband.

"Perhaps I can't bake a ham." Margaret said, "But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table."

The husband was now the one having a shocked look on his face.

"Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?" The husband asked the daughter at the right end of the table, where the man's question made the wife's eyes widen in shock once again.

**End**

The next day, Peter and Lois were sitting on the couch and talking about Chris and Tyler's position in the scouts.

"Peter, I think it's great that you, Chris and Tyler have been spending so much time together." Lois said to Peter, "But they're the ones who should be earning those badges."

"Hey, where do you get off telling me how to raise my son and helping out one of my friends?" Peter protested at Lois, but soon realized, "Oh. Oh, right. Heh, okay. We'll try it your way... honey." Peter then gave a nervous chuckle hoping she would buy his words.

Later that same day, Chris and Tyler have gotten back home.

"Hey! There's my scouts!" Peter acknowledged at Tyler and Chris' arrival.

"Well, not anymore, dad." Chris informed Peter, "We're out."

"And THANK GOODNESS!" Tyler praised.

"They made us turn in our uniforms and everything." Chris explained.

"Wha-?! Those bastards!" Peter exclaimed, "Don't you worry, boys. I'll get you both back in!" He then approached the phone.

"Uh, it's okay, dad." Chris said trying to stop Peter, "We're not really-"

"Ugh, ugh, ugh, hey, don't take no for an answer, guys." Peter told Chris and Tyler, "You're Griffins, including you, Tyler. And a Griffin never knows when to stop."

**Cutaway #4**

Peter was dressed as a surgeon and was trying to jumpstart a patient back to life.

"Clear!" Peter announced as he jumpstarted the patient's heart.

"Clear!" Peter repeated and jumpstarted the patient again.

"Clear!" Peter repeated a second and repeated the process when the patient soon opened his eyes and gained conscienceness.

"Y-You saved my life, doctor-" The patient thanked Peter.

"Clear!" Peter repeated before and accidentally shocked the patient out.

**End**

"I'm calling that damn troop leader right now." Peter said, "We're going over his head. Straight to the scout head office in New York." He then picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Pack your bags, you guys!" Peter announced, "The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple!"

"Yay, New York!" Tyler cheered, until Chris gave him an angry look, "...oh, wait, that's right."

They then left and the window revealed Speed and Pops again, this time acknowledging the Griffins' trip.

"Ha-ha! Did you hear?" Speed asked Pops, "The Griffins are going to New York! Ha-ha!"

"This does not affect us at all. Ha-ha!" Pops noted.

Speed gave out another "Ha-ha!" for no reason.

Later, the Griffins were packing their cases into the car.

"I can't believe we're actually going to New York." Meg acknowledged at what was going on.

"I can't believe your dad is determined to go this far just to get Chris and Tyler back in the scouts." Frank acknowledged also.

"Uh, dad, you don't really have to do this." Chris assured Peter.

"Yes, I do." Peter reassured Chris, "No boys of mine are gonna get booted out of the scouts." Peter then raised his hand for a high-five.

Chris and Tyler then high-five him back in disappointment.

In the car, Lois was strapping Frank Jr and Stewie in their seats.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Stewie demanded at Lois.

"Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt." Lois informed Stewie.

"So I don't get hurt." Stewie repeated, "That's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant?"

"I brought your Raffi tape." Lois said. Stewie stood there quiet for a few seconds.

"Play _Wheels on the Bus_ and get the hell out of my sight." Stewie ordered Lois with his arms crossed.

As everyone was almost ready to leave, Tyler then did a quick calculation at the number of passengers and realized only one was missing. Tyler was about to alert Peter when...

"Where's Brian?" Meg wondered as she noticed Brian wasn't with them and also interrupting Tyler.

Tyler then pouted in irritation from being interrupted.

Brian was sitting in a lounge chair on the lawn reading.

"Hey, aren't you coming?" Peter asked Brian.

"Uh, thanks, but no thanks. I've been to New York." Brian said, "It's like Prague sans the whimsy."

"Gesundheit." Tyler said.

"You got that right." John said.

"Will you be okay by yourself?" Lois asked Brian.

"Oh, I think I'll manage." Brian assured her as he swished his martini.

"Alright, you guys, we're off!" Frank said to the family, "Those scouts are never gonna know what hit 'em."

Peter backed up and accidentally hit another car from behind.

"What about that car?" Tyler asked.

"I've a feeling it, too." John pointed.

They drive off down the road leaving the wrecked car behind. Later, the Griffins are now playing a guessing game.

"Okay, I'm thinking of a movie." Lois told everyone.

"Is it an action movie?" Meg guessed.

"No." Lois answered.

"Uh, is it a musical?" Chris guessed.

"No." Lois repeated her previous answer.

"Is it a horror movie?" Tyler guessed.

"No." Lois repeated a second time.

"Dang it!" Tyler exclaimed.

"Adventure?" John guessed.

"No." Lois repeated.

"Uh, is it a good movie?" Frank guessed.

"Eh, it has its moments." Lois said.

"_Cool Runnings_." Peter answered.

"Right!" Lois said.

Back at the Griffin house, Brian was watching TV on the couch. The program he was watching was _Nova _on PBS. On the screen was a scientist with a small dog beside him.

"After years of study, I've discovered the secret to longer life in canines." The scientist shown on the television said, which got Brian interested as he leaned in close to hear what the researcher had to say, "And that secret is-"

"We interrupt this program for a seven-hour marathon of _One Day at a Time_." An announcer on the TV explained out of nowhere, leaving Brian jaw-dropped dumbfounded.

It then cut to the middle of an episode of said show.

"Damn it, Julie." "I'm a single mother doing the best job she knows how!"

"And damn it, Schneider!" said as she turned to and pointed at Scheider, "I asked you to fix the sink two days ago!"

"Oh, I'll fix your fix your sink, Miss Romano." Schneider said to Romano, "And by 'fix your sink,' I mean I'll have sex with you."

Brian picked up the remote and tried to change the channel, but the remote wasn't working.

"And by 'have sex with you,' I mean I'll fix your sink." Schneider continued from on the TV.

Brian then decided to turn the dial on the TV to change the channel.

"And by 'sink,' I mean your reproductive organ." Schneider continued.

Brian turned the dial, but soon came off. Brian tried the other one and that fell off, too.

"And by 'reproductive organ,' I mean the thing between your knees." Schneider continued further.

It was then that Brian decided to unplug the TV, but it was somehow stuck.

"And by 'the thing between your knees,' I... Well, I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory." Schneider finally ended his statement.

Brian continued tugging the cord until it finally came out, but, much to Brian's surprise, the TV was still on, which he then fainted to the floor.

Meanwhile, the Griffins were still driving to New York, but they didn't seem to be making any progress.

"Peter, we're lost." Lois informed Peter, "Would you please find some place to ask for directions?"

"We are not lost." Peter assured Lois, "And even if we were, y-you know I can't ask another human being for directions."

"Okay, I'll bite." Tyler said, "Why?"

"Because I'm a man. And you're one, too." Peter answered Tyler, "Geez, haven't either one of you ever seen a stand-up comedian?"

"Yes." Tyler replied.

"Really, like who?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Robin Williams." Tyler said.

"Oh, yeah. Heh, he' pretty good." Frank acknowledged.

"Dad, maybe we should go home." Chris insisted.

"No way, son." Peter said to Chris, "We came here to get you and Tyler back into the scouts and that's exactly what we're gonna do."

Suddenly, Peter's stomached began to gurgle.

"What was that?" Lois asked.

"Nothing." Peter lied.

Peter's stomached soon gurgled again.

"There it is again." Tyler exclaimed.

"Pops, the car is making funny noises." Frank told Peter.

"Oh-ho, you're wrong again, Frank. That wasn't the car." Peter said, "Although you were right about that prune smoothie."

"Are you okay?" Lois asked Peter concerned.

"Oh, I'll be fine." Peter assured her, "I-I just have to concentrate on driving."

"Look, Mr. Griffin!" Tyler informed Peter.

"What?" Peter asked Tyler.

"A dump next door!" Tyler pointed out as a sign reading "**DUMP **NEXT LEFT."

"Tyler." Peter angrily muttered.

"Look, a 'WIDE LOAD'!" Tyler pointed out again as he spotted a truck hulling portable bathrooms.

"Quit it!" Peter warned Tyler.

"Look, an 'ALL STOOLS MUST GO!' sale!" Tyler pointed out again as they passed a building with stools placed outside. Peter groaned more in pain.

A car then came up in front of them.

"Look, an 'I heart my Shin Tzu' bumper sticker!" Tyler pointed out again.

"That's it, Tyler." Peter said to Tyler, "I swear to God, if you make one more joke another my current situation right now, I'll pull this car over and use YOU as a toilet!"

"I'll stop..." Tyler quickly remarked.

Peter, however, ran into a sign that read 'ONLY 15 MILES TO BOB'S HOUSE OF FECES.'

"Oh, come on!" Peter exclaimed, "That one's not even real."

"What about that one?" Frank pointed to a sign that read 'CRAPS, CRAPS, and CRAPS..."

"Oh, God!" Peter exclaimed in pressure, "We gotta stop!"

Peter pulled into the parking lot of a casino called "Geronimo's Palace."

"Wow!" Meg exclaimed in amazement as everyone got out, "An Indian casino!"

"Yeah, I gotta find me the stink lodge!" Peter said as he dashed inside.

"No, don't use me as a toilet!" Tyler pleaded to Peter, but realized Peter and Frank left, "Oh, thank you, God!"

"Come on, you guys." Peter quickly said, "No time to lose!" he and Frank rushed to the nearest bathroom, which was upstairs.

"Hold it." Peter and Frank said to themselves trying to not defecate their pants as they got on the escalator, "Hold it! Hold it!" they then repeatedly squatted for about a few minutes.

"Ho. And welcome to our casino, palefaces." An animatronic Native American chief told the people going up the escalator, "Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on second floor."

"Do you have reservations?" Another animatronic Native asked the other animatroic.

"Only about the veal!" The chief said as he and the other machine laughed at the joke.

"Oh, geez, this is gonna be a photo finish, Lois!" Peter remarked.

"Go for it!" Tyler rooted to Peter and Frank as the latter dashed off to the mens' restroom.

"I'm going to ask someone for directions." Lois said to the kids, "Meg, watch Frank Jr and Stewie." She placed Frank Jr and Stewie down at Meg's side and went into a room filled with video poker monitors.

"Excuse me." Lois asked one of the casino's employees, "Can you tell me how to get to New York?"

"Well, sure." The employee said, "But what's your hurry, ma'am? Don't you want to play a little first?"

"Heh, thank you." Lois chuckled, "But I really don't approve of, heh heh, you know, gambling."

"Well, technically, it's not really gambling." The employee corrected Lois, "It's just us trying to rebuild our shattered culture after you raped our land and defiled our woman."

"Well, as long as you're not using it for firewater." Lois said in agreement as she took a coin out of her coin purse and put it in the slot.

Meanwhile, Stewie, Frank Jr, John and Tyler noticed a show for a performer called Carrot Top. They decide to enter and watch the show.

"Look, a bow tie." Carrot Top announced trying to get the audience to laugh. Unfortunately, no one laughed.

"Really?" Tyler exclaimed at the bad joke.

Carrot Top was then using a tip from the bow as a microphone and sang from it high-pitched.

"Hey, I'm David Bowie." Carrot Top announced.

Again, no one laughed.

"Wow. Bo Derek." Carrot Top said again after placing a lampshade on top of one of the tips of the bow, when suddenly tomahawks were thrown at his direction, missing of course.

"Oh, very funny!" Stewie sarcastically praised the comedian as he was the one who was throwing the tomahawks at him, "Now tell the one that doesn't suck!"

The spotlight then went over to Stewie and got the audience to laugh.

"Oh, thank you. Thank you." Stewie said to everyone, "Yes, yes, and what's the deal with airline food?"

"Oh, no." Frank Jr remarked.

Back in the bathroom, Peter and Frank were finished doing their business. They then washed their and dried them off from the towel of another employee.

"Hey, thanks, uh... 'Watches You Pee.'" Peter thanked the man as he exited the bathroom.

He and Frank then finds the kids, who were still waiting for Lois.

"Hey, where's your mother?" Peter asked the kids.

"Over there." Chris said pointing him to where Lois is.

Lois was still playing the digital poker monitor from earlier.

"Hey, I didn't know you knew how to play poker, Lois." Peter acknowledged to Lois.

"Yeah." Lois bluntly said, clearly hooked.

"How you doing?" Peter asked her.

"Yeah." Lois answered.

"That's good, honey. Now let's go." Peter said to Lois.

"Yeah." Lois bluntly said.

Peter now tried to pull Lois away from the game, but she held on tight. He yanked her a few times until he finally got her loose.

"It's funny." Lois remarked as she and everyone else exited the building, "I-I never knew video poker could be so much fun. You win a few hands and all those lights go off and you just feel so good inside."

"And you die a little inside, too." Frank said.

"Yeah, gambling is great." Peter said, "No question about it."

"It felt so good, I just-I kept putting my money in and before I knew it, I lost $40." Lois confessed, "I'm so embarrassed."

"Aw, that's okay, honey." Peter assured to Lois, "As long as you learned your lesson."

"Oh, I did, Peter." Lois told Peter, "F-For a couple of minutes. Then... This is so silly, I started playing again."

"Geez, I could swear I parked here." Peter acknowledged to where he thought the car was.

"Yeah, you did." Lois assured Peter, "Bu-But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car."

This made Peter and Frank to exclaim in anger.

"Okay, I'm not going to panic." Peter said to himself, "I just need to go back into and find a high roller who'll pay a $1 million to sleep with my wife."

"What?" Lois exclaimed in disbelief, "That's ridiculous!"

"Come on, Lois. These people took $24 for the island of Manhattan." Peter pointed out to Lois, "They have no idea what things are worth!"

"Mr. Griffin that was Mexico." Tyler corrected Peter.

"That was Mexico?" Peter asked.

"Yes." Tyler answered.

"Oh..." Peter said.

Later, everyone was in a reserved room. On the bed, Chris was busy drawing and Tyler was busy writing.

"Nice going, mom." Meg said to Lois, "I finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine? How ironic."

"Tell me about it." Frank remarked.

"Hey, hey, hey, don't talk about your mother that way." Peter told Meg, "She is not an iron. Now, come on. We gotta figure out a way to get to New York and Chris and Tyler back into the scouts."

"But, uh, dad-" Chris tried to tell Peter.

"Hey, I got it." Peter acknowledged, "I'll-I'll just get Brian to wire us some money." Peter called their house number.

"Wonder what Brian's doing over there?" Tyler wondered.

At the Griffins' house, Brian was now enjoying _One Day at a Time_, where there was scattered papers, trash and even some empty martini glasses. The phone rang, but Brian was too busy with his show.

"Damn it, Julie!" Romano said to Julie, "I am not shacking up with my boyfriend. I am just going away for the weekend."

"Yeah." Schneider appeared and said to her, "All the way."

Brian hooted at Schneider's response, "Oh, damn, Schneider! What won't you say?"

Back at the room at the casino, Peter was upset to get no answer and hung up.

"No answer at the house." Peter announced, "You didn't bet that, too, did ya?"

"Probably." Tyler said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Peter." Lois apologized to Peter, "I feel so foolish. It just seemed like such a good cause. Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits."

"What did you just say?" Frank asked Lois.

"'I'm sorry, Peter'." Lois repeated.

"After that." Frank told Lois.

"'I feel so foolish?'" Lois repeated again.

"After that." Frank repeated.

"'Casino's profits?'" Lois repeated.

"Before that." Frank said.

"'Everyone in the whole tribe?'" Lois repeated.

"Now the whole thing." Frank told her.

"'Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits?'" Lois repeated, which was what Frank and Peter wanted to hear.

"That's it!" Peter cheered as he grabbed Lois by her forearm, "Let's go!"

In the manager's office, Peter was trying to convince the manager to give him back his car.

"I'm sorry to hear about your, uh, 'misfortune.'" The manager said to Peter, Frank and Lois, "But we're not allowed to return gambling losses."

"Well, I think you can make an exception in our case, Lenny." Peter said to the manager, "See, uh, we're an Indian, too."

"'scuse me?" Lois and the casino manager said in unison at Peter's statement.

"You heard him, I'm a member of your tribe." Frank told the manager, "And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe."

"Whoawhoawhoa, wait a second, not so fast." The manager shrugged Peter's request, "Tell me of your history, of your, uh... of your past."

"Oh, I come from a long line of, of y-you people." Peter said, "My greatgrandfather's name was-was Jeep Grand Cherokee."

The manager didn't look convinced.

"Uh. He mean, Chief Grand Cherokee." Frank corrected his statement, "He was a rainmaker."

It then flashed back to a Native American resembling that of Peter. He was making a Native chant.

"I'm so happy doing the Neutron dance." Chief Grand Cherokee sang.

He continued doing the chant.

"I'm just burning doing the Neutron dance." Chief Grand Cherokee continued singing.

It then cut back to Peter in the manager's office.

"And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee." Frank claimed, "So are you gonna give me back my car, or what?"

"Hm. I'll have to confer with the Council of the Elders." The manager said to Frank, "You wait right here." He got up from his chair and left.

"Are you nuts, Frank?" Lois said to Frank, "You'll never get away with this."

"Why not? I've fooled people before." Frank said to Lois, "Uh, y-y-you remember that time pops pretended to be gay?"

**Cutaway #5**

It showed Peter simply watching _Caroline in the City_.

**End**

"Peter, there is no way they're gonna believe you're an Indian." Lois warned Peter.

It then showed the Council of the Elders with the manager along with them.

"There's an Indian, alright." One of the members proclaimed.

"How do you know?" The manager asked the man.

"I can tell." The member simply stated.

"Oh, you think everyone's an Indian." The manager told him, "He could just be another mooch trying to get a cut of our profits."

"Maybe we can put him through some sort of test, you know." Another of the members suggested, "Like a really impossible stunt to prove he's the real deal."

"Hey, way to think outside the bow, Frank." The manager praised his friend's scheme.

It then cut to Peter, Frank and Lois now with the council.

"To prove you are truly a member of our tribe, you two must go on a vision quest." The manager told Peter.

Peter just stared blankly at the manager.

"Do you know what a vision quest is?" The manager asked Peter.

"Why, eh, of course I do. I'm an Indian." Peter answered hoping to convince them, "But, uh, why don't you explain it to my wife. She's a little slow in the head."

Lois showed a look of irritation at Peter.

"A vision quest is a sacred spiritual journey." The manager explained, "Your husband must go out in the wilderness without food or water."

"Or shoes." Other Frank quickly said.

"Y-Yeah, or shoes." The manager said, too, "He must remain there until he can communicate with nature. He must hear the wisdom of the rocks and trees and then his guiding spirit must appear to him and reveal a great personal truth. And it's gotta be a real vision. We're Indians. We're gonna know if he's lying." He and the elders then started howling ominous noises, causing Peter, Frank and Lois to back away and leave frightened. When they were gone, the elders immediately at the success of their plan.

"Sucker." The manager muttered.

The Griffins were outside the casino where Peter and Frank were about to start his vision quest.

"Peter, please don't do this." Lois pleaded to Peter, "We can buy another car. I-I'll give extra piano lessons on Sundays."

"Come on, Lois, all we gotta do is have a spiritual vision." Peter told Lois, "I mean, Tyler had one before we left."

It flashed back to the morning of the day before the Griffins left for New York. It had Tyler eating cereal and Brian reading the paper as usual.

"Oh, my gosh, Brian." Tyler exclaimed to Brian, "There's a message in my Alpha Bits. And it says 'Ooooo.'"

"Tyler, those are Cheerios." Brian informed Tyler.

"Way to kill the joke, Brian." Tyler said to Brian frustrated.

It then flashed back to present day.

"You must begin your journey now." The manager told Peter after walking up to him.

"Now's your chance to be alone with grandpa." Frank Jr informed Chris and Tyler.

"Yeah. Go over there and get it over with already." John insisted.

"Are you guy's nuts?" Chris said to Frank Jr, Meg and John, "We aren't attracted to dad."

"Tell him you don't want to be in scouts." Frank Jr, Meg and John corrected in unison.

"Oh, go talk to him." Tyler realized, "That makes more sense."

"Yeah, thanks jr, Meg. Thanks, John." Chris said.

Tyler and Chris soon walked over to Peter and Frank to tell him.

"Uh, you know, I think I better go with them just so they'll be safe." John acknowldged to Meg as he went to their direction.

"Yipes." Meg said.

"Hey-Hey, dad, uh, can-can we come?" Chris asked Peter.

"Hey, how about it, Lenny?" Peter asked the casino manager.

"'Ey, what the hey? The more the merrier." He said, "Now get the hell outta here, you nut, and go have yourself a spiritual vision."

Peter, Frank, Chris, John and Tyler then went off in the woods. After a while, they were starting to get tired.

"Oh, water!" Peter claimed as he found a riverbed, "Thank God!"

"Dad, I'm hungry." Chris complained to Peter, who was busy trying to drink the river water.

"Me, too." Tyler agreed, "Are we gonna die?"

"Of course not." Frank assured Tyler, "This isn't the first time pops had to find my own food in the wild."

**Cutaway #6**

It showed a girl resembling Little Red Riding Hood strolling through the woods. Suddenly, Peter jumped out from the bushes in a wolf costume, surprising and scaring the girl. She dropped her basket and ran away.

"Hehehehehe, dumb broad." Peter remarked at the cowardly girl, until in surprise a real wolf appeared out of nowhere and attacked Peter.

**End**

Later, it was now night and Peter and the boys hadn't returned yet. Lois was starting to get worried.

"They've been gone for over 6 hours." Lois informed the casino manager, "How long do these vision quests usually take?"

"Huh?" The casino manager exclaimed in confusion to Lois's question, "Well, you know, uh, it varies. You know, it depends on the person's age, a-a-and height... a-and sign."

"You have no idea, do you?" Lois said.

"Of course, I, I, I... No." The manager answered.

"Well, then, why would you send my husband and son and their friends out into the wilderness without any food or supplies?" Lois asked dementedly to the manager.

"'Cause, uh, we really like your car?" The manager answered.

Lois simply sighed in fear that her husband, son and John and Tyler were probably never coming back as she approached the window. Meg placed her hand behind Lois to comfort her mother.

"They're dead, you know." Stewie said to Lois and Meg.

Frank Jr just slap Stewie to shut up.

Meanwhile, deep in the woods, Peter and Frank were walking around the bonfire from lack of food, while the boys were asleep.

"Must eat. Haven't snacked in hours." Peter said to himself, "Can't feel my eyes. Wonder if club-footed midgets get justice in Heaven."

"Hot enough for ya?" An unfamiliar voice from out of nowhere asked Peter.

"Wha-What?" Frank exclaimed in confusion.

"I say, 'Hot enough for ya?'" The voice said again revealed to be a talking tree.

"Uh. Yeah, I guess." Peter answered, "Oh, my God! We-we're communicating with nature! Uh-Uh, hey, um, uh, tree, if-if one of you falls and there's no one around, do-do you make a noise?"

"Are you kidding?" The tree asked, "Scott fell last week. He hasn't shut up about it since."

"Sure. Stand there and bitch!" The tree presumably Scott said to the tree Peter was talking to, "But would any of you take the time to HELP ME?!"

"Oh. Oh, I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott." Another tree behind Scott taunted him rubbing two twigs on his branch.

"Ay! Yo, Mallque/Griffin!" A voice sounding that of Fonzie from _Happy Days_ said to Peter from above.

Peter looked up the sky and saw the clouds formed until an image of Fonzie appeared.

"The Fonz!" Peter exclaimed.

"Ay!" Fonzie exclaimed also.

"What are you doing here?" Frank asked Fonzie, "Shouldn't you be in the middle of a Tuscadero sandwich?"

"Yeah. But I'm also your spiritual guide, see?" Fonzie told Frank and Peter, "And I wanna lay a personal truth on ya. Now, Mr. C was a father to me and he always listened, you know? And Mallque/Griffin, right now, your son's needs you to listen to him. Whoa!"

"Wait, what about Tyler?" Frank asked Fonzie again, "He's not my son."

"Maybe not, but still, you consider him and John as two of your own sons."

"Really? Uh, gee, I never really thought of it that way." Peter asked in realization, "Uh, sure, whatever you say, heh. Um, Fonzie. There's something I always wanted to ask ya. Y-You were with a lot of girls. Did-Did you ever get a sexual disease?"

"Eh, herpes twice." Fonzie answered, "Oh, and the clap. Oh, and there's one more thing I want to say to you before I go."

"What's that?" Frank and Peter asked.

"Ay!" Fonzie exclaimed as he faded away.

Chris and Tyler soon woke up a second after Fonzie disappeared.

"Um, hey, dad?" Chris asked Peter, "Can me and Tyler talked to you?"

"Not now, son-" Peter said to Chris before realizing, "Oh, uh, sure. Uh, go right ahead."

"We don't want to be scouts, dad." Chris confessed to Peter. Without realizing, John woke up and heard the conversation.

"Yeah, it's just no fun there." Tyler joined Chris, "I guess you're pretty disappointed in us."

"Well... yeah!" Peter responded.

"Dad, this is what me and Tyler really like to do." Chris said as he and Tyler showed them their notepads.

"What, you want to draw?" Frank asked Chris.

"And I want to write." Tyler said.

"Ah, geez, boys, why don't you just stick a knife in my heart?" Peter lamented in disappointment, which Tyler and Chris hung their heads in shame. He then noticed Frank, John giving him a stern look.

"I mean, uh, so you-you drew this?" Peter asked Chris trying to show that he's interested.

"Yeah..." Chris moped, "I know, they suck."

"Well, not all of them." Frank assured Chris, "You know, s-some of them look pretty good."

"Really?" Chris asked.

"Yeah." Peter replied.

"Hey, Tyler." John asked Tyler, "You mind if I take a look at what you wrote?"

"Sure." Tyler said.

"Hey, hold on." Peter insisted, "We'd like to take a look, too."

John, Frank and Peter were then reading the story Tyler had written so far.

"Wow, Tyler. This ain't half-bad." Frank praised Tyler.

"Really? I- Wait." Tyler said.

"What? What is it?" John asked.

"Yeah, you okay?" Peter asked.

I... I'm starting to remember something." Tyler claimed, "Something from my past about who I am."

Tyler just stood there for a couple of seconds trying to figure what he was so fond about writing, until...

"That's it!" Tyler exclaimed in excite.

"What's it?" John asked.

"Writing." Tyler responded, "I think its part of who I was, before our amnesia. I was an aspiring writer. I finally remember it again."

"Heh, I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent." Peter acknowledged, "Well, except for that one thing your mother does."

"You mean play the piano?" Chris asked.

"No, no, she-" Peter was saying, but stopped realized it was too much, "Yeah."

"You know, we-we probably don't say this often enough." Peter said to the boys, "But, uh, I'm really proud of you, Chris."

"Thanks, dad, you too Frank." Chris replied.

"And I don't really say this often much, either, but, uh, I'm glad to have met you and John, Tyler." Peter said to Tyler.

"Thanks, Mr. Griffin." Tyler replied.

They all then came up to each other and formed a group hug.

(A/N: Sorry if I'm still making this stuff sappy for you guys. I just thought this would be a good idea.)

Peter took another look at Chris' sketchpad and still seemed bothered before going back to the hug.

_And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon_

One of the trees started singing.

_Little boy blue and the man in the moon_

Soon, all the trees joined in and started singing.

_When you coming home, dad? I don't know when_

Then, one of the trees brought out a lighter and then lit it.

_But we'll get together then, son_

_You know we'll ha_-

"Ah! AHH! OH, MY GOD!" One of the trees screamed as it caught on fire from the other tree's lighter, which then spread.

"Ah, geez, let's get outta here!" Peter said as he, Frank, Chris, John and Tyler ran away for their lives.

"RUN, YOU STUPID BASTARDS!" One of the trees yelled at them.

The next day at the casino, Lois was in front of one of the video poker machines, deciding to try it again. Peter, Frank, Chris, John and Tyler just then finally came back.

"Peter." Lois exclaimed in joy while hiding the coin behind her back, "Frank .John. Tyler. Chris. Oh, thank God. Are you okay?"

"...Ooowww..." was all Tyler could say at the moment.

"It was fantastic, Lois!" Peter told Lois, "We saw my guiding spirit."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second!" The casino manager stepped in, "You had a vision?"

"Oh, it was amazing!" Frank responded, "I spoke to the trees. And we saw the Fonz-"

"Really?" Lois exclaimed in intrigue, "What's the Fonz like? I bet he's stuck up."

"Eh, a little." Peter admitted, "But thanks to him, me, Frank, Chris, John and Tyler have never been closer."

"Oh, I want a spiritual vision, too!" The manager whined, "Man! I guess we've lost touch with our noble roots. I mean, sure this casino's brought our tribe money and prosperity, but what is the price of our souls?"

"Uh, $6 million a week." Other Frank answered.

"That sounds about right." The manager agreed, "You know what? Take your crappy car back." He then tossed the Griffins the keys to their car, "Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet." the manager and the other men then left.

"Alright! We did it!" Peter cheered, "Let's get the hell out of hell."

But before they could leave.

"Stupid, greedy savages!" Stewie said.

"Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say." Lois said to Stewie, "This one particular tribe has lost their way, but most Native Americans are proud, hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly NOT savages." The _The More You Know _logo then appeared above her, parodying the NBC program of the same name.

"Oh, that's funny, mother." Stewie said to Lois, "Just this morning, you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans." Stewie then chuckled and faced the screen, "Just kidding. The Mexicans are a cleann and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage." As with Lois, the same logo came up above Stewie, going further with the parody.

"Uhh, what's going on?" John asked in confusion at the situation.

"Maybe it's a different culture moment." Tyler assumed, "I don't know."

"Yeah, and not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes." Meg acknowledged before turning to the audience, "Actually, the Swedish people run a gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?" Continuing further with the parody, the logo then appeared above Meg.

It then showed John and Tyler supposedly keeping the joke going, but were actually unprepared because they didn't realized they were part of it.

"Wait. Are we suppose to say something here?" John asked, "Alright, uh, Tyler, what do you say to the audience?"

"Uh... Oh, people who migrate from Canada are called frostbacks." Tyler said hoping it would help.

However, all that could be heard were cricket chirps in the background.

"What?! It's true!" Tyler exclaimed, "Racist, but true."

Fortunately, the logo still came in as the jingle was heard, but it accidentally hit John at the back of his head. This got John angry as he snatched, broke it in half and threw it at the camera, knocking it over.

"THIS JOKE STINKS!" John shouted in rage as he stomped out of the scene.

Frank stand there and just wave good bye to the reader

"so long folks."

(Frank Jr: Don't worry, Canadian readers. It won't go like last time. You welcome.)

**The End**


	8. Chapter 7: Brian: Portrait of a Dog

**Chapter 7: Brian: Portrait of a Dog**

It was another day in Spooner Street. In the Griffins' home, Peter was sitting at the couch with Chris.

"Come on, everyone." Peter said to the rest of the family, who just got in the room, "That _Eight is Enough_ reunion show is about to start."

"I wonder why that show got cancelled." Tyler wondered as he and everyone else was getting themselves comfortable to watch.

On the TV, the show had started with Thomas and Joanie in the living room where Mary walks in.

"Mary." Thomas said to Mary, "Have you seen Nicholas?"

"He's up in his room sulking, dad." Mary told her father and walked off.

"Yeah, he's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards." Joanie explained as she was reading a book.

"Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich." Thomas suggested.

Joanie gave a slight laugh. "Oh, dad, that's your solution to everything." Joanie acknowledged to her father and went back to reading.

Thomas, however, didn't look too pleased at what she said about his idea and, for some unknown reason, started slapping her repeatedly.

This went on until Mary ran in and tried to stop her father.

"Dad!" Mary called out to Thomas, "DAD!"

"WHAT?!" Thomas shouted.

"Eight is enough!" Mary said.

Suddenly, Thomas chuckled with Mary and soon Joanie, who was getting up.

"You know I love you, girls." Thomas said to his daughters.

It cut back to the Griffins, who were immediately frozen in shock, surprise and, most likely, horror at what they just saw.

"Oh, that's why..." Frank remarked about his statement earlier.

Frank, John and Frank Jr, Tyler then looked at each other to seemingly say about their opinion about the episode, but then found Stewie having a satisfied grin on his face, as if he enjoyed the event they just saw on the TV. Stewie soon notices them as the smile on his face faded.

"The devil are you staring at?" Stewie said to Frank, John and Frank Jr, Tyler as they were now giving him stern looks on their faces.

"You were the one responsible for that, weren't you?" John asked Stewie about what happened on the TV.

"YOU PROVE NOTHING!" Stewie shouted in protest against the duo's beliefs.

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

They then change to gold leotards

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that makes us_

_Laugh 'n Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam-_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

Stewie was busy cutting up squares out of his mother's blouses in his room, which were into a pile.

"Splendid." Stewie exclaimed, "That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight... Once it's built, of course."

Stewie then turned to his right.

"Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet?" Stewie asked a teddy bear he called "Rupert," which was sitting up by itself, "No, of course, you didn't, you worthless little..." Stewie smacked the bear and it send it a few feet across the pile of clothes.

"There! See what you made me do?" Stewie scolded the bear, "Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Well, actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I am going to do it again!"

But before Stewie could get another chance to hit Rupert, Lois enters the room.

"Oh, Stewie!" Lois exclaimed as she found him cutting up her blouses, "My clothes are not for you to play with, understand?"

"Hi, Stewie!" Tyler cheerfully greeted Stewie as he and Frank Jr entered the room with a big grin on Jr face.

"Uughh!" Stewie exclaimed after seeing Frank Jr's expression, "How much I despise that loathsome grin of yours."

"How's this?" Tyler asked as he made an even bigger smile.

Stewie then exclaimed in disgust at the sight of the smile.

"Thanks for telling me, Frank Jr, Tyler." Lois thanked Frank Jr and Tyler, "I don't know what we'd do without you both." Lois then walked out of Stewie's room with her shirts.

While Frank Jr, John, Tyler and Brian watched Lois depart, Stewie looked at them.

"I'm onto you three." Stewie warned Frank Jr, Tyler and Brian.

"Are you?" Frank Jr asked sarcastically.

"Oh, yes!" Stewie answered.

"Were you laying on us?" Tyler asked Stewie as no one responded to Tyler's question for a good 3 seconds.

"You ever thought about sending this guy back to kindergarten?" Brian asked John, "You know, to start all over again?"

"Can we please return to the matter at hand, hm?" Stewie impatiently asked everyone and soon went back to the subject, "Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You all prance about this house like the cocks on the walk. But will you three be prancing when, when..."

"When what?" Tyler asked Stewie.

"Let me finish." Stewie pointing replied, "When... When there's nothing to prance about? Hm? Will all three of you be prancing then?"

"Maybe..." Tyler answered.

"Good one." John praised his pal.

Stewie just strolled out of the room without reply.

"Ah, you just want to eat 'em up." Brian stated as he, John and Tyler exited the room.

"You sure do." John remarked.

"I don't want to eat Stewie." Tyler said.

Another 3 seconds of silence passed.

"Seriously, what the hell's wrong with him?" Brian asked John.

"What do you mean?" Frank Jr asked back.

"Never mind..." Brian replied defeated.

Later that after, the Griffins were watching TV as usual when Meg came in.

"Ugh! It is so hot out there!" Meg complained.

"How hot is it?" Everyone but John asked Meg in the tone of the audience of _The Match Game_.

"It is so hot that you could (blank)." Tyler said also in the tone of the same show's host.

"Uh, I don't know." Meg said, "Like, around 98, 99."

"SURVEY SAYS!" Tyler shouted as a buuzer went off in the background.

"Uh, what was that?" John asked Tyler.

"It was from _The Match Game_." Tyler told John.

"Tyler, I don't think she was just playing a joke." John remarked, "She was just saying it was hot outside."

"Oh..." Tyler replied until, "Tell her what she's won, Jr!"

"Well, Tyler." Frank Jr said to Tyler, "For winning-"

"Stop." John ordered Tyler.

"Okay..." Tyler and Frank Jr replied.

"Eww, I think I'm a little sweaty." Meg remarked as she walked toward the air conditioner.

"You!" Stewie pointed at John and Tyler, "You two seem to know all the players in this poorly-acted farce. What do they call that one?" Stewie pointed the duo's attention to Meg, who was cooling off.

"That's your sister, Meg." John answered Stewie.

"Meg!" Stewie called to Meg, "You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand me? Dirty, sirty gir- AH!" Frank flicked Stewie at the left side of his head in Meg's defense.

Later again, the town was now caught in the heat wave. Inside the house, Lois, Chris and Brian were in the living room trying to watch TV to take their mind off the heat with a couple of fans around them to help.

"Meanwhile, here at home, Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave." Diane Simmons said on the news with her blouse open exposing her purple bra.

"I don't think you should use the word 'freak,' Diane." Tom Tucker, who was without his coat and his tie was loosened said to Diane, "Some people might find it offensive."

**Cutaway #1**

It showed Tom having breakfast with his son, whose head is shown only at the back.

"Finish your oatmeal, son." Tom told his son.

"Why bother?" Tom's son said who was now shown at the front... with an upside down face, "I'm just a freak! A freak!" The boy knocked over his bowl of oatmeal.

Tom could only pity his child.

**End**

"We're all a little different, Diane." Tom said to Diane, "Each one of us."

"Good point, Tom." Diane remarked, "We're certainly feeling the effects of this heat wave even here at our studio." Diane then called Tom "freak" whilst pulling a fake sneeze, "So stay inside and stay cool."

Cuts back to the couch.

"I think I saw one of her nipples!" Chris claimed as he pointed at the TV.

"Chris, that's a terrible word! 'Nipple.'" Lois told Chris, "I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister."

"I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta?" Stewie asked as he came in the room in his diaper with a yellow shirt, "Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!"

"Please don't threaten mommy." Lois said to Stewie, "She's very hot."

"You can threaten me, Stewie- Wait, that didn't came out right." Tyler said before realizing what the topic was.

"Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!" Meg told Chris as she took one of the fans to her face to cool.

"Yeah? Well..." Chris said before pausing, "You're hogging up all the ugly!"

Meg, Frank and John, who was sitting by Chris, gave the latter an unimpressed look.

"Hey, check this out, you guys!" Peter said to the family as he came in through the front door, "The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! First prize is $500!"

"Really?" Lois exclaimed in interest, "You know, if you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner."

"Hey, Brian, you can win for sure." Meg said to Brian, "You could, uh, you could do your impression of a barbershop quartet."

"Or you could hire the Dapper Dans to help you out." Tyler recommended.

"Except you would need permission from Disney in order to do that." Frank informed Tyler.

"DANG IT!" Tyler exclaimed, "Fine, do the barbershop quartet."

**Cutaway #2**

Brian was dressed up in barbershop quartet attire as he was outside at night.

_We were sailing along_

_On Moonlight Bay-ay-ay-ay-ay_

The Griffins were sitting on a bench listening to Brian's performance, except Meg who was laying on her stomach.

_We could hear the voices singing_

_They seem to say_-

Brian was hit by what appeared to be John's shoe.

"SHUT UP!" John yelled off-screen.

John was hit by what appeared to be a hammer from super smash bros.

"NO YOU SHUT UP!" Frank Jr yelled to the off-screen character.

**End**

"Uh, sorry." Brian gently declined, "I-I don't-I don't do dog shows. It's not my thing."

"Come on, Brian." John begged Brian, "All you gotta is do a few simple commands and we'll get that air conditioner."

"Yeah, it'll be like grandpa as he is taking candy from a baby." Frank Jr acknowledged.

**Cutaway #3**

Peter was at a park next to a mother with her baby in its crib whilst it was also holding up a lollipop. Peter tried to take away the baby's candy, but the mother slapped it away. This repeated slowly at first, but then got faster and fast every time.

**End**

"Please, Brian." Meg begged.

"I-I don't know. I mean, eh, I don't even know where my papers are." Brian said, "Can't you get the money some other way?"

"Oh, believe me, I've been trying." Peter said, "That's why I and Frank Jr went on that game show."

**Cutaway #4**

The show Peter and Frank Jr mentioned going on to get the money was _Jeopardy!_

"For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products." The host stated as he was reading from an index card.

"Diarrhea." Peter quickly answered.

The audience laughed at Peter's answer.

"What?" Frank Jr asked, "Oh, oh, oh, sorry, sorry. What is diarrhea?"

**End**

"Actually, Mr. Griffin. I was thinking me and Tyler could be the ones to help train Brian." John said to Peter, "It can also help us getting to know more about him. That is is he wanted to, that is."

Brian watched as he realized the family was really dependent that he could win.

On the following night, John and Tyler were with Brian.

"Alright, let's go over the commands." John said, "Tyler, tell us what the book says."

"Okay, first off sit." Tyler responded.

Brian scoffed as he walked off-screen and came back with a chair. He placed it in front of the duo and sat on it.

"Uhh... Good?" Tyler congratulated Brian feeling awkward about what happened.

"What's next?" John asked.

Rollover." Tyler replied.

"Guys, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here." Brian complained, "Let's call it a night, huh?"

"Very well." Tyler remarked.

"What?" John exclaimed in surprise, "But we just got started."

"Yeah, w-we haven't even talked about how you're gonna wear your ears." Peter agreed, "'Cuz you know, I was thinking up."

"Ugh, I need a cocktail." Brian said as he left the room.

"Don't push too hard, John." Frank said to John, "You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show."

"Yeah. Except it's also our only chance at being able to afford a new air conditioner." John reminded Lois of the other reason Brian's attending.

"He's right, listen to him, Frank." Peter said to Frank, "Because right now you're sucking all the energy out of the room."

"That's not sucking up the energy out of the room, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter off-screen, but soon showed Tyler with a very large vacuum cleaner almost as big as the room, "THIS is sucking all the energy in the room!"

"Tyler, no, wait!" Peter warned Tyler, "The very balance of the universe will be at risk if you turn that damned thing on."

"What's that now?" Tyler asked, "I'm busy about to turn this on."

"NNOOOOO!" Peter exclaimed in horror as Tyler flipped the switch.

Peter, Frank and John fled as the vacuum began sucking up all the furniture in the room. Then it cut to the outside of the house where the whole thing was soon sucked by the vacuum. Then it sucked up the whole town, then the whole country, then after going to a view of the planet's orbit, the entire scene was sucked up, leaving only a blank, white space.

The next day where everything is back to the way it was before, Brian was drying himself off with a hairdryer in the bathroom. Then for a moment bites the hot air coming out of the hairdryer a couples of times. Then he heard a knock on the door and put the hairdryer down.

"Come." Brian told who was behind the door.

"I, uh, got you a little something. From John and Tyler." Lois said to Brian as she was holding a small gift, "You know, for the show."

Brian opened it and found it to be a black collar with a gold buckle.

"It's Italian." Lois informed Brian, "Do you like it?"

"Oh, it's exquisite." Brian praised.

"It's-It's not for every day." Lois soon explained.

"Clearly." Brian remarked, "I'm gonna put it on right now."

"I know how hard you've been working and, well, the whole family appreciates it." Lois informed Brian who was putting on his new collar, "I also want to let you know that John and Tyler are doing the best they can to not only be your trainers, but also your friends."

"Oh, I'm sure they've proven that already." Brian said.

"Well, maybe." Lois agreed, "But they don't seem to know that and I think this could really help you bond with them, not just as friends, but also family. So, would you mind giving it a chance, just this once?"

"Well..." Brian sighed, "I guess I'll give it a try."

"Thank you." Lois said to Brian, "I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian..." Brian turned to Lois after she called him, "...you look very handsome." She then closed the door behind her after telling Brian.

Brian then dropped a few eye drops before taking a deep breath and exclaimed "Showtime!" with a big grin on his face.

The Griffins/Mallques arrive at the soccer field where the dog show was taking place at.

"Welcome to the Quahog Dog Show." One of the hosts of the competition announced, "Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits."

As they walked by, Brian noticed a bird flying by that, for no reason, bursts from combustion. He then noticed all the others contestants getting ready.

"Peter, I'm not-I'm not really comfortable with all this." Brian said to Peter as he soon noticed a dog sniffing his behind, "Do I know you?" The dog immediately left.

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to." Tyler told Brian.

"Uh, Tyler, remember the reason why we're-" John reminded Tyler.

"Oh, right, sorry." Tyler said.

"I-I don't think I can do this." Brian admitted.

"But we can't quit now." John said, "We came this far."

"He's right. Hey, look, how about a pill? Something to relax you before you go on, eh?"

"Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?" Lois asked Peter.

"Not drugs, Lois." Peter assured her, "Just-Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform."

"Well, those celebrities are wrong!" Lois protested.

"Lois!" Peter exclaimed, "If Liza is wrong, then I don't wanna know what right is."

**Cutaway #5**

Liza Minnelli was in her dressing room.

"Two minutes 'til curtain, Mrs. Minnelli." A stagehand informed the singer.

"Oh, come on, baby!" Liza pleaded to someone to the right offscreen, "Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret!"

The person she was talking to was revealed to be... a blue M&M.

"Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! GET HELP!" The M&M said to Liza.

**End**

Stewie was trying to use an ad for the dog show to fan himself, to no avail. He discarded the ad and tried to get out, but couldn't.

"You there, child-woman!" Stewie called out to Meg next to him, "I'll give you a shiny new dime if you'll roll me into the nearest lake."

"Let me see if I can find you a juice box. Okay?" Meg affectionately said to her brother and left.

"Wow." Frank thought after seeing Meg's behavior, "That seemed real nice of her. Even though it is toward Stewie."

"Yes. Get the lead out, pudgy!" Stewie yelled.

"Okay, I've had enough." Frank said as he unstrapped Stewie out of his stroller and went off.

"Wait. What are you doing?" Stewie demanded.

"Teaching you to treat your family with respect." Frank told Stewie.

"And how do you suppose you do that, hm?" Stewie questioned John's plan.

"By dropping you to the nearest lake." Frank Jr answered.

"WHAT?!" Stewie exclaimed as he was soon dropped from the edge of a hill, who screamed as he fell and splashed into the water below.

Frank and Frank Jr managed to get back to the show in time where it was about to begin.

"Next, John and Tyler Griffin and their dog, 'Brain.'" The announcer said.

"Brian!" Tyler corrected.

"Well, we're off to a good start." Brian remarked.

Brian then got in his starting position and the official started the event. Brian was off as he skipped through the first three obstacles.

"Go, Brian!" John and Tyler cheered in unison.

He then he stopped for a quick cigarette break during the event.

"Uh..." Tyler replied in confusion.

Brian took one inhale and instantly put out his cigarette before continuing on until he got past the last obstacle.

"A beautiful performance from 'Brain' Griffin!" The announcer praised.

"Go, Brian!" The family cheered Brian on.

Brian then stopped and panted a few times before John and Tyler came up to him.

"Okay, Brian, we're good to go." Tyler informed Brian.

"Here." John said as he placed a dog biscuit on top of Brian's nose.

"Wha-What-What the hell is this?" Brian asked in confusion.

"It's the part where you beg for a treat." John explained.

"Oh, I don't think so." Brian refused as he took the biscuit off his nose.

"Brian, don't." Tyler begged Brian.

"Yeah, come on, Brian." John begged also, "Just do one more trick and you're done."

The audience began to feel concerned about Brian's act of refusal.

"God, they can't expect Brian to do that." Lois noted.

"It easier than it looks, mom." Chris informed Lois.

"I'll go see if I can help." Peter said as he got up and went to John and Tyler.

"Brian, we had a deal." John reminded Brian.

"What's the problem, Brian?" Peter asked Brian.

"The problem is that these two tried to get me to beg for this." Brian explained as he showed Peter the dog biscuit, "Well, you know what? The deal's off. Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car!" Brian threw the biscuit at Peter's gut and walked off.

"Bri-Brian, come back here!" Peter ordered Brian, "Hey, don't you walk out on me! Hey- Uh..." Peter noticed the crowd was now directing their attention at him, "Heh, uh, I now command you to leave. Yep, keep goin'. Yep, th-th-that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Hehehehe." This only made Peter more aware that the crowd wasn't impressed.

The family was now driving home.

"How could you let us down like that, Brian?" John asked Brian about his protest.

"Oh, I let you down?" Brian assumed, "WH-Why? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the 'good dog'?"

"I kinda agree. This was the one thing one of us has ever asked you to do for this family." Peter remarked, "Well, you know, this and not, uh, do that thing where you drag your ass across as the carpet."

"Oh! Oh! One time I did that! I just wanted to see what it felt!" Brian pointed out.

"Boys, boys, please!" Lois urged quartet to stop fighting, "Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do."

"Yeah, except for the time dad hit that deer." Chris reminded everyone of one incident.

**Cutaway #6**

Instead of what it is assembly stated above, however, it was actually Peter accidentally hitting the front of an anthropomorphic deer's car, whom was with Peter surveying the crash.

"Yeah, well, looks-looks like it's just a ding." Peter stated, "Uh, you know, there's-there's no reason to get the insurance companies involved."

"Well, uh, you know, I should still take down your information, though." The deer said.

"Really? Cuz, you know, you-you could probably just buff that out, I mean-" Peter pointed out.

"Yeah, but I-I-I just, I really-" The deer tried to say, but Peter kept talking.

"I would really, I would really feel better if I got your information." the deer finally spoke.

**End**

"You know, Brian, I feel like you don't trust us or something." Tyler said to Brian.

"Yeah, you're acting as if we don't care about you." John agreed.

"Guys, if you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading." Brian told off the duo.

"Hey, look, you, the next time someone asks you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand?" Peter told Brian.

"You're taking their side, Peter?" Brian asked Peter.

"Who wants to sing show tunes?" Lois asked hoping it'll get their mind off what happened, "'In olden-"

"Stop the car." Brian demanded.

"Oh, oh, is that what you want, mister?" Peter questioned, "Because I'll stop."

"Pull over now." Brian demanded.

"Fine!" Peter and John replied as the car made a screeching halt. Brian got out and was about to walk off.

"Aye, God." Lois exclaimed in annoyance, "Brian, please don't do this."

"Yes, please, Brian." Tyler pleaded, "Just give us another chance."

Brian thought a moment and decided to go.

"Is the doggie going bye-bye? Ew, I'm so sad." Stewie said sarcastically as he soon looked to the back view of the car, "QUICK! BACK-UP!" Frank and Frank Jr then slap peter, john, and stewie in the face very for being idiots

Eventually, it was night and Brian was still walking home. He was soon picked up by a cop while he was great walking.

"Oh, great." Brian exclaimed as the vehicle stopped next to him and the policeman got out, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"Can I see your license, boy?" The officer asked Brian.

"'Boy'?" Brian said confused to why the man called him that until, "Oh. Oh, God." He realized that he was still wearing the collar he wore for the dog show and was now in trouble, "Uh, I-I left it on my other collar."

"You been chasing cars tonight, boy?" The officer asked Brian.

"Look, the name is Brian." Brian told the officer, "I was just out for a little walk, that's all."

"Uh-huh. Without a leash?" The officer questioned.

Brian didn't reply to the cop's question.

"I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk." The officer ordered Brian, who took a look and soon turned to the officer, "Uh! Down!"

"I don't believe this." Brian sighed.

The policeman drove Brian back to his house and was talking to Peter about what happened.

"I, uh, don't suppose you could let us off with a warning, huh?" Peter asked.

"Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good." The officer informed Peter, "The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me?"

"Oh, Lord, Lord, I'll never roam again!" Brian replied in a sarcastic slave voice.

Peter closed the door.

"Jackass." Brian muttered after.

"Hey, he's the law outside this house, just like I'm the law inside this house." Peter said to Brian, "And you better start obeying both of us."

Unaware to both Peter and Tyler, John and Tyler were walking up the basement stairs in their room and were about to leave through the door when they heard Peter and Brian's conversation.

"And you also better give John and Tyler some respect from now on." Peter informed Brian from outside John and Tyler's room, "They just want to know you better."

"Oh, come on, look at them." Brian said to Peter, "Two teenage boys who can't even remember who they are, can't even be friends with a messily dog."

This somewhat hurt the duo back in their room and they didn't bother to leave.

"Geez, what a bitch." Peter remarked to himself back in the living room.

The next morning, everyone was in the kitchen about to have breakfast.

"Good morning, Quahog." Diane Simmons greeted on the kitchen TV, "Well, the heat wave is finally broken, Tom."

"It sure has, Diane." Tom replied, "You know what they say, 'If you don't like the weather in New England, go back where you came from.'"

"Uh, I don't think that's the expression." Diane said worried.

"Yeah, I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning." Tom agreed, "But, anyway-" Tom then accidentally belched out some of the acclaimed bloody Mary which splatted a bit on his papers. "Oh, God, I hope the boss isn't watching." Tom said out of embarrassment as he wiped off the bloody Mary with his tie.

Diane laughed nervously.

"Heh. I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning." Peter remarked.

"Same here." Tyler agreed.

"Mmm, something smells good." Frank and Meg acknowledged.

"Homemade cinnamon buns." Lois said, "Fresh from the tube." She then poked the belly of the Philsbury, who was just standing there giggling from being tickled.

"Nothing says 'I love you' like something from-" The Philsbury Doughboy remarked before Lois began to flatten him with her rolling pin, "Hey, what the hell are you doing, you crazy bi-" He was then flatten all the way.

"These oughta cheer Brian up." Lois said, "Cinnamon buns are his favorite."

"Oh, really?" Peter asked, "'Cuz, you know, I-I-I could've sworn his favorite was 'treat Peter, John and Tyler like crap' buns."

Brian walked into the kitchen after Peter said that.

"Good morning, Brian." Lois greeted Brian, "My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah." Peter replied, "Uh, must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought ya. It cost a little extra, though."

"Yeah and I could've sworn I bought a collar meant specifically for that." John claimed.

"Exactly." Tyler agreed, "How's that not a sign of good friendship?"

"I know." Peter said, "I mean, we'd do anything for you, Brian."

Brian glanced at Peter, John and Tyler unimpressed. "I'll be on the veranda since you three are already on the cross."

"What now?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison and in confusion.

"Oh, eat with us, Brian." Lois begged as she picked up a plate of cinnamon buns, "I made cinnamon buns."

"Please, Brian." Tyler begged Brian, "All this fighting is making me feel real sad."

Everyone but Brian and Stewie then exclaimed in pity for Tyler after hearing his speech.

"May I guess that the only way you'll feel better is for me to balance that plate on my nose?" Brian sarcastically asked Tyler.

"Brian, stop this." Lois said, "Can't you get along with John and Tyler like you do with Frank and Peter?"

**Cutaway #7**

The cutaway was actually a parody of a 1920s cartoon starring Frank, Peter and Brian in classic cartoon design.

In the "cartoon," Brian was sawing some lumber when Peter and Frank comes in with another large piece of lumber. They sets it down and wipes off some sweat.

Suddenly, a safe falls from the sky and flattens Brian. Peter is distraught and Frank tries to crack the combination to the safe. He manages to get it open to find Brian unscathed with his arms crossed.

Then a title card popped up and read "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" as Frank, Peter and Brian were shown chuckling.

The cartoon then ended with Frank, Peter and Brian walking off into the sunset.

**End**

"It can never be like things are with me and Peter, not after the way they treated me." Brian said, "Not after the things I've seen."

"What did you see?" Chris asked Brian.

"Was it dark things?" Tyler asked.

"W-Was it breasts?" Frank Jr asked hoping it was the answer.

"Geez, Brian, haven't you heard of forgive and forget?" John asked Brian.

"He's right, Brian." Tyler assured Brian, "It's never a good idea to hold onto grudges, no matter what happened."

"Yeah, how bad do you really have it with those two?" Peter questioned Brian, "When I and Frank found you, you were nothing but a stray."

"Huh?" John and Tyler exclaimed in surprise.

"You swore you would never speak of that." Frank gasped.

In a flashback, Brian was just as Peter claimed; a stray dog with a 5 o'clock shadow and was holding up a bottle of booze on his right hand and a sign reading "Will Sit For Food" on his left hand. Peter's car pulled up in front of a stoplight near Brian. Brian smiled as he grabbed a wodded up newspaper and a spray bottle.

"Uh, uh, no, thank you. I just had it cleaned." Peter said to Brian trying to get him away, but Brian still sprayed the windshield and dried it off with the newspaper where it had rub marks on the front, "Oh, uh, um... Ah, geez."

"All set, sir." Brian said to Peter.

"Uh, I-I don't have any change." Peter told Brian, "Sorry."

"Oh. Tha-That's okay." Brian shrugged, "No charge."

Brian then walked off as Frank looked at him and remembers the death of his dog snoopy then soon pitied the poor canine.

"W-W-Wait! Wait!" Frank stopped Brian, "Uh, Y-Y-Y-You hungry? 'Cause, uh, you know, my-my mom makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world."

Brain smiled in confidence as he knew he was getting something to eat.

It then flashed back to present day.

"Look, Brian, we're just trying to get to know you, that's all." Tyler informed Brian, "Maybe even a little more."

"That's right." John agreed, "Now just eat your cinnamon buns and stop being a bad dog, for crying out loud."

Brian gasped in shock after hearing that last part. "How dare you?" Brian exclaimed in outrage, "HOW DARE YOU?!" Brian slammed his mug hard on the table and headed toward the door.

"And where do you think you're going'?" Peter demanded.

"Out!" Brian answered pissed.

"Hey! You're not going anywhere without your leash!" Peter warned Brian.

"I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you nor them!" Brian said as he pointed to John and Tyler, "I'm going' for a walk."

"Don't worry." Peter assured everyone, "He won't get far without this." He held up a milking machine.

"Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter, "That's the wrong one."

"Oh." Peter replied.

At the Quahog Mini-Mart, Brian was about to purchase a box of baggies as he placed it on the counter.

"And a pack of Eldorado's," Brian told the cashier, "unfiltered."

The cashier gave Brian a blank stare.

"What?" Brian asked as he looked behind him, "Oh, that, yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out."

"See that sign?" The cashier asked Brian pointing at the sign on the door that read "No Dogs Allowed," "Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble." The cashier placed his hand on a gun underneath the counter and Brian walked back from the man's threat.

Meanwhile at home, the Griffins were watching a commercial on TV. In it was a mother and her daughter laying on a blanket in a green meadow.

"Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?" The daughter asked her mother.

"What do you mean, honey?" The mother asked back.

"You know." The daughter replied, "Have you ever felt not so fresh?"

"I'm-I'm not sure what you're... I-I-I don't follow you." The mother admitted confused about her daughter's question.

"Um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty?" The daughter tried to make it clearer, but the mother didn't answer, "Down there?"

"Oh-OH! Oh! Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, God, no!" The mother answered at last realizing what her daughter meant.

Cuts back to the Griffins.

"Oh, that was Brian's favorite commercial." Lois lamented.

"'Brian'? 'Brian'? 'Brian'?" Peter muttered, "No, no, no, it's not ringing a bell."

"No, it rings a bell." Tyler corrected, "It's faint- Oh! Now the bell broke."

"Yeah. Just like our friendship with a certain mutt." John scolded.

"Oh, stop it you dumbass!" Frank said to John and Tyler, "We all miss him. Go find him, apologize, and bring him home."

"Well, I guess it is our fault." Tyler admitted.

"Same here." John agreed, "We didn't mean to push him away. We were just wanting to get closer to our family. Brian included."

"Look, you boys heard him. He doesn't want to be involved with you nor this family." Peter said to both John, Tyler and Frank, Lois, "And we don't need him. We can get another pet."

"No." Tyler reacted.

"Yeah, dad." Chris agreed with Tyler, "No one can take Brian's place."

"Silence! Silence! Silence!" Stewie hushed everyone, "That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak! Let's get a kitty!" He was joyfully jumping up and down after saying that last part.

"See, gang?" Peter asked everyone, "Stewie's got the right idea!"

"For once." Frank Jr muttered.

"What was that?!" Stewie reacted

'I said in my pants dude." Frank Jr said louder

"I don't know, Peter." Lois said to Peter warily.

"Lois, trust me." Peter assured Lois, "We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better."

It then cut to the kitchen with a small hissing cat prancing on top of the fridge. The Griffins were on ground level trying to get it to come down.

"Ah, he-here, kitty, kitty." Peter called out to the cat, "Come on down, eh, nice and easy." While the Griffins weren't looking, a Black Cat firework fell from where the cat was, "That's a good kitty-"

The Blackcat popped and it made the Griffins react and back away.

"The hell was that?-" Peter asked as another firework quickly dropped from the top and popped again, causing the same reaction.

Another firework falls down on the floor and Tyler bends down to see what it is.

"Oh, I get it." Tyler said in realization, "It's a-"

The firework, however, popped before Tyler had the chance to finish his sentence. He rises back up and his head was covered with sut.

"...Black Cat." Tyler finished his sentence before dropping to the floor.

Later at night, Brian was walking into a restaurant by the name of Taste of Sicily.

"Uh, something near a window." Brian told the reservationist, "Preferably a booth."

This got the clerk mad and threw Brian out at back.

"Yeah! Yeah, ya got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen!" Brian smack-talked, "Yeah, that's-that's authentic Italian."

He soon stumbled upon what appeared to be the spaghetti scene from _Lady and the Tramp_, where the Tramp rolled the meatball to Lady.

"Oh, don't do that." Brian said to the dogs, "That's what they expect you to do."

The dogs were only confused by what he meant as they gave a quick look at each other before turning back to Brian.

"Yeah, o-okay, maybe you don't see it now." Brian said, "But-But what about if your puppies could? And your puppies' puppies? God, am I the only one who's outraged here?!" Brian then took a deep inhale and then exhaled before going back to the dogs.

"I'm-I'm-I'm sorry." Brian apologized, "Enjoy your dinner." He then left them to themselves.

That same night, it was dinnertime back at the Griffin house.

"Hey, how come you're still setting a place for Brian?" Peter asked Lois as he entered the kitchen and noticed Brian's place was set.

"Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts." Lois explained, "I know you, John and Tyler are thinking about him, too, Peter."

"Look, Lois, he broke his promise to those boys." Peter told Lois, "Besides, we have a new pet and we love our fluffy kitty." Peter turned to reveal a couple of scratch marks on the back of his body, "Although, he seems mostly nice to Tyler."

The next day, Brian was walking through a park where he decided to get a drink of water from the fountain. This caught everyone's attention and disgust.

"Oh, gross." A female jogger exclaimed, "Did he just drink from the fountain?"

Then two cops stepped in and tried to arrest Brian.

"Hey, you!" One of the officers hollered out to Brian.

Brian ran off as soon as he realized what they were about to do.

"Stay!" The cops ordered Brian again as a chase ensued.

For some reason, it lead them to the chase scene from _Raiders of the Lost Ark_. Brian tried to lose them by turning over fruit carts where the fruit spilled, which seemed to have worked. They then noticed a heavily-robed person with a tail sticking out. They suspect this to be Brian, only to find after pulling of the cloak to be an ugly, old woman. The policemen then give up the chase and leave, where it shows that Brian was actually hiding in a basket near a stand, where it also reveals Joyce DeWitt coming out.

"Joyce DeWitt?" Brian exclaimed, "So, that's where you've been."

Joyce only shushed Brian.

Later that evening, Brian was now sleeping at a bus station.

"Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside." A bus driver informed Brian, "No dogs allowed in the bus station."

"Oh, my-my-my blind guy's in the john." Brian lied.

"I'll point him in your direction." The bus driver remarked as he got Brian off the bench.

Meanwhile, back at the Griffin's house that same night, John and Tyler were about to head to bed when John felt like his foot tapped something. It was Brian's tennis ball.

"Brian's tennis ball." John acknowledged, "Man, he loved to play with this thing."

**Cutaway #8**

Brian was playing tennis as he soon served.

"Double fault!" Said the referee.

"Ahh! Come on, Brian." Brian said to himself.

**End**

John and Tyler decided to ask Peter and Lois to see if they could get Brian back, but before they could even knock, however.

"Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian?" John and Tyler heard Lois's voice as they peaked though the ajar door to see she was talking to Peter.

"Huh, you're right, Lois. Who am I kidding?" Peter agreed with her, "This family needs Brian. I need him. But most of all, I think John and Tyler need him."

Suddenly, the cat appeared and clawed up Frank's eyelids.

"God, I hate this freakin' cat." Frank said in aggravation.

John and Tyler pulled away and thought that maybe they should be the ones to find Brian.

The next day, Brian was a stray once again, though he still had his collar. He was also carrying a cup for people to put change in.

"Can you, uh, spare some change?" Brian asked a man passing by.

"Why? So you can buy yourself another bottle of booze?" The man criticized, "Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog?" He was pointing at a wanted poster of Brian.

"That's me!" Brian reacted, "I-I mean, that was me."

"Yeah, sure." The man scoffed as he walked away.

"No, I mean it." Brian claimed, "That was me."

"Alright, I get it." The man said.

"Seriously!" Brian exclaimed.

"G-Get away from me, you crazy animal!" The man said to Brian.

"Alright, alright, you want me to be a crazy animal?" Brian talked back, "Okay, I'm a crazy animal!"

Brian then started biting on the man's leg.

"Ah, help! Help! Help! Help!" The man screamed.

Coincidentally, John and Tyler were there while putting up wanted posters of Brian. They heard the man's pleas for help and turned to that direction.

"Alright, who wants to be next?" Brian dared, "You? You?"

"Hey, Brian!" John called out to Brian, "Brian!"

"Brian!" Tyler also called out to Brian.

Brian turned to see John and Tyler there, much to his delight.

"We're here to bring you-" Tyler was about to say until the police arrived and took Brian away.

"You're going downtown, pal." One of the policemen carrying Brian away said as they got him in and drove away.

"Home..." Tyler finished his previous sentence.

Brian was locked up in the Quahog City Pound, where he had a cellmate that was a vicious looking dog.

"Hi." Brian greeted his cellmate, "How's it going'?"

The dog did nothing but step closer at Brian.

"Oh, God." Brian reacted in fear that he'll get mauled, "Uh, I-I know karate!" But it didn't work, even when tried doing some stances of it. The dog, however, was still threatening Brian's life. "Oh, look! A tasty little toy Chihuahua." Brian said trying to get the dog distracted. It worked and Brian tried to kick it in the nuts, but that backfired. "Well, I see someone's been neutered." Brian remarked as the dog is about to jump at Brian, but fortunately, he's saved when Brian's monitor, Felicia, opened the door between him and the dog.

"Come on, sugar." Felicia said to Brian, "It's time."

"Thank God." Brian thanked in relief as he left the cell.

The family was waiting for him when Brian came out.

"Oh, he's cute. Aren't you precious?" The man at the desk said to Brian, "Lethal injection. Next!"

"What?" Brian exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" Lois reacted.

"You can't do this!" Peter protested.

"Well, who's up for a little lunch, hm?" Stewie asked the family, "Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex?"

"Shut up, Stewie." John and Tyler said to Stewie in unison.

"I'm sorry, sugar." Felicia apologized to Brian.

"Help me." Brian pleaded to Frank, John, Tyler and Peter.

"Don't worry, boys." Peter said to Frank, John and Tyler, "I'll get him outta this. I'll get us the best help there is."

**Cutaway #9**

"'Dear, MacGyver.'" Peter as he was writing a letter, "'Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.'"

The person he wrote it for was MacGyver from the show of the same name as he was reading it. Unfortunately, the letter was written in invisible ink, so MacGyver didn't understand. He took the straw, then the clip, then bent and placed the clip at the tip of the straw. Next, he picked up the rubber band and put one end of it in the area of the paper clip that didn't get bent. He then pulled the rubber band, only for the clip to loosen and hit his eye.

**End**

The next week, Lois and Frank visited Brian at the pound.

"You're looking well." Lois told Brian.

"Yeah? Don't get too close. They say I'm dangerous." Brian informed Lois, "That's why the man's gonna put me down."

"Oh, don't say that, Brian." Frank said to Brian, "Me, Peter, John and Tyler are working on your appeal. You'll see, everything's gonna work out."

"Ha! I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is." Brian scoffed, "I'm a second-class citizen, Frank."

"Brian, great news!" Peter came in and told Brian, "The City Council agreed to hear your case!"

"You're kidding!" Brian reacted, "If-If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all. Oh, I don't know how to thank you, guys."

"See, Brian?" Tyler asked Brian, "This is what we were talking about."

"It-It is?" Brian said.

"Of course." Lois answered, "We're family. This is what we do for each other and it's what John and Tyler are doing for you right now."

"Yeah, we're gonna help get you outta here, no matter what." Tyler assured Brian, "Right, and Mr. Griffin? Mr. Griffin?"

Frank, Tyler and John then turned to what Peter was looking at and did the same thing.

"Boys?" Lois asked Peter, Frank, John and Tyler as she turned to their direction where it showed a female dog flashing her nipples at the dog from Brian's cell, "Boys, don't stare!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Griffin/mom." Frank, John and Tyler apologized, except Peter, who was still staring.

Later that night, Brian was getting prepared for his case with the City Council. He studied all night memorizing all the basic to law, thought he at one point decides to secretly read a doggy porno magazine whilst squatting over to see for any signs of erection.

The next morning, the case arrived at City Hall and Brian was now prepared. He walked into the courtroom wearing a blue suit and for some reason, glasses.

"Oh, good luck, sweetness." Felicia said to Brian.

"Thanks, Felicia." Brian thanked Felicia's support.

"This meeting was called to review the judgment in _City of Quahog v. Brian Griffin_." A member from the board announced.

Brian walked up. "Justice, for all..." Brian quoted as he removed his glasses, "...or for some?" He then put them away.

"Does a dog not feel?" Brian continued his speech, "If you scratch him, does his leg not shake? Yes, he is man's best friend, but-but what manner of friend is man?" He then went to his booth and opened his law book. "I would like to cite, if I may, the case of _Plessy v. Ferguson_-"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute." The same member who started the case paused, "This case is being represented by a dog?" The other member nodded, "Well, this has got to be the most ridiculously absurd thing that's ever happened! Take him away!"

"OBJECTION!" Tyler protested slamming his hand onto the stand.

"Objection what?" The member asked Tyler.

"Oh, I didn't expect anyone to say anything." Tyler confessed, "I just wanted to say, 'OBJECTION!'"

"Thanks." Brian sarcastically thanked Tyler as security came in and grabbed him, "But-But doesn't every dog have his day?"

"Wait! I have something to say about this!" John announced, "All Brian's wanted this whole time was the same respect he gives us."

"Yeah, that and Sausages." Peter pointed out, "Heh, he's mental for those Sausages! And, uh, sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the 'oodmay' but Brian won't 'amscray.'"

"Peter-" Lois said to Peter trying to let him finish so John could get back to his statement.

"Oh, right, sorry." Peter replied, "Look, what the kid's trying to say is, he's a member of our family first and a dog second. A-And John, Tyler and I are real sorry we forgot that, buddy. Sometimes, we all need a second chance."

"That's right." Tyler agreed, "We all need to forgive."

This got the family tearing up.

"I stole $10 from Meg's room!" Chris tearfully confessed.

"Uh..." Frank Jr exclaimed in awkwardness.

"I stole those $10 from mom's purse!" Meg tearfully confessed also.

"Okay." Tyler said, "This isn't what I was talking about-"

"I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for ye-" Lois was about to join in.

"OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Frank shouted, "Thank you for sharing!"

"Mr. Griffin, this dog just attacked someone about a few days ago and might become a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one." The main member told Peter, "But the law is the law and it cannot be circumvented by pretty words."

"What if we told you he'll do community service?" John asked the Council, which caught Brian by surprise.

"Deal." The member agreed.

The family (except Stewie) cheered for Brian's freedom.

"Mistrial, damn it!" Stewie protested, "Mistrial!"

Then Frank Jr slap Stewie in face like bitch and said

"Bitch please."

The Griffins exit City Hall where Brian decided to finally have a drink from the fountain. One cop tries to stop Brian, but...

"No." Another cop stopped his partner, "Let him go."

The two policemen then let Brian by and the latter then took a sip. As everything seemed perfect, one man from the crowd started, but no one else joined him and he stopped.

"Nothing..." Frank remarked.

Later that evening, the family was watching TV and things were back to normal.

"Anybody want more pizza rolls?" Lois asked everyone.

"Yeah, yeah, quiet, Lois." Peter shushed Lois, "_Murder, She Wrote_."

(A/N: I'm sorry for disappointing, y'all, but I felt a bit uncomfortable about this joke. In case you want to know, I'm against abortion and I don't think it's funny, but I will add the part with Frank below.)

"Aha!" Frank exclaimed, "So she's the murderer!"

"Come on, kids." Lois called out to Frank, John, Tyler, Persephone, Meg, Chris, Frank Jr and Stewie, "Bedtime."

The kids out up and went to bed.

"Goodnight, Brian." Lois greeted Brian good night, "And welcome home." Lois then gave a kiss good night.

"Oh, uh, actually, do you mind if I talk with John and Tyler for a minute before they head for bed?" Brian asked Lois.

"Sure thing." Lois assured.

"Okay." Both said in unison.

"Good night." Persephone greeted.

"Good night." Chris greeted.

"Good night." Meg greeted.

"Good night." Frank Jr greeted.

"Night." John and Tyler greeted.

After almost everyone else left, Stewie stayed and said to Brian, "Dog?"

"Yeah?" Brian asked.

Stewie gave a bow of acceptance to Brian and then scurried off.

"So, Brian. What was it wanted to-" John asked Brian before Brian licked his face. The same with Frank, Peter and Tyler. Though they didn't see it coming, John and Tyler then knew right away that Brian had now accepted him as both their friend and a member of their family.

"If you four ever tell anyone about that, I will kill all of you." Brian soon threatened the trio, though Frank said" you didn't meant it you dumbass.

**The End**

(Disclaimer: Family Guy and its characters are owned by both Seth MacFarlane and 20th Century Fox, aka FOX... _Persephone Griffin_ is own by hattafan2593, John and Tyler, however, belong to storyteller.)


	9. Chapter 8: Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

**Chapter 8: Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater**

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

It was another nice day at the Griffin's house. Inside, Stewie was on his high chair where it had a plate with a hot dog wiener on it.

"I say, mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself." Stewie said to Lois, who was busy taking plates out of the cupboard.

"Honey, I'll be right there." Lois responded to Stewie annoyed as she placed a couple of plates on the table.

"Oh, by all means, take your time." Stewie sarcastically affirmed to her, "Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes HALFWAY TO BLOODY BOSTON!"

"Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in neither Chris' room this weekend!" Persephone said to Lois as she entered the kitchen, "It smells like old milk in there!"

"Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!" Chris affirmed Persephone also entering the room.

"That we can believe." John remarked as he and Tyler, too entered the room to get something to drink in the fridge.

"And there's no way I'm sleeping in John and Tyler's room either!" Persephone then said causing John to choke a bit on his milk after hearing her.

"Wha- What, uh?" John responded catching his breath from the milk he choked, "What makes you think you were gonna sleep in our room?"

"Yeah, and what's wrong with our room?" Tyler asked Persephone.

"Well, for starters, it's really just the basement." Persephone answered pointing out the obvious, "And it smells like old pizza down there!"

"Oh, that. Well, you see-" Tyler was about to explain until he realized what she said, "Wait. J-man, you still haven't finished that thing?"

"Hey, whenever I feel like it, I'll finish it." John testified, "That is if I can find it first."

"Eewww..." Persephone exclaimed.

"Kids, keep it down." Lois said to John, Tyler, Meg, Persephone and Chris, Frank Jr, "I haven't even told your father and brother that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit."

"Who's Aunt Marguerite?-" John and Tyler am=lmost asked Lois, until Peter and Frank soon bursted through the door.

"Who said Marguerite?" Peter and Frank asked.

"Peter, it's just for a week." Lois affirmed Peter.

"A week?! Ah-" Peter cursed, but the swear words were all drowned out in the horns of a truck passing by outside. This continued until, "-Son of a-"

"Peter!" Lois reacted.

"Uh, were we supposed to hear all that?" Tyler asked Peter in concern.

"Now, boys, sometimes it's appropriate to swear." Frank affirmed Tyler.

"Like when?" Tyler asked.

**Cutaway #1**

It cut to a courtroom with Peter taking an oath with the Bailiff.

"Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God?" The Bailiff asked Peter.

"I do." Peter agreed, "...you bastard." This made the Bailiff angry.

**End**

"I love Aunt Marguerite." Lois said.

"What's so special about her, Mrs. Griffin?" John asked Lois.

"Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met Mr. Griffin and frank wouldn't been born if his parents didn't met." Lois answered as she cuddled to Peter.

"I'll bet there's a good story there." Tyler said.

"There sure is, Tyler." Lois remarked, "There sure is."

It then flashes back to when Peter, Lois, frank's parents Jake and Sayo first met. It was at a resort's swimming pool where a younger Lois in a bikini got out of the pool.

"Aunt Marguerite, have you seen our towel?" Young Lois asked her Aunt Marguerite, who was sitting in a lounge chair reading a book.

"Have the towel boys bring you another." Aunt Marguerite told Lois.

"Oho, I don't wanna bother him." Young Sayo said.

"Nonsense, dear." Aunt Marguerite insisted, "You're a Pewderschmidt. Towel Boys!"

She was calling to a younger Peter and a younger Jake who worked as a towel boys, as the latter turned to the old broad, but was soon smitten by Lois and Sayo, who in an almost slow-motion shot of them stroking their hair back still wet.

"Uh, hi, my-my name is towel. I have a Peter for you." Peter said to Lois nervously and accidentally getting the words mixed up.

This made Lois and Sayo laugh.

"Uh-uh-uh, my-my name is Jake and I'll be your nipples- Towel Boy!" Jake reacted still messing up in front of her, "Ah, geez."

It cut back to the present, where it showed Aunt Marguerite arrived and at the door. We then see Lois and everyone in front of the other side of the door getting ready.

"Okay, everyone." Lois informed everyone, "Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome."

She then opened the door to reveal Aunt Marguerite.

"Aunt Marguerite!" Lois greeted her elderly aunt.

"Lois!" Aunt Marguerite greeted back, though a bit weak. But before she could say anything else, however, she then collapsed on the floor, giving Lois worry.

"Oh, my God!" Lois reacted as she knelt down to check her pulse, "She-She's dead!"

"Whoa!" Peter exclaimed from hearing what Lois said, "Heh, careful what you wish for, huh, guys?"

"What?!" Frank, John and Tyler reacted in unison.

"You were the one who wished for it, not us!" Tyler testified.

"You boys have no prove of that." Peter pointed out.

Suddenly as if on cue, Frank Jr pulled out a tape recorder, played it and it revealed Peter's cursing at Aunt Marguerite earlier.

"Uh. Well, except that." Peter remarked shortly afterwards.

The family then attended Aunt Marguerite's funeral at the Quahog Funeral Home. Everyone was sad to see Aunt Marguerite go as Lois was in tears from losing her favorite family member.

"W-What if they bury her and she, like, wakes up because she wasn't really dead, she was only sleeping?" Chris asked Persephone, John and Tyler as they were beside Aunt Marguerite's coffin.

"I wonder about that, too." Tyler agreed.

"Yeah. That's what happened to our big brother, Jimmy." Persephone teased Chris, "That's why mom and dad adopted you."

John and Tyler laughed at her joke.

"What?" Chris exclaimed in shock and worry.

"She just kidding Chris." Frank said to comforted Chris

I'm gonna go see what Mr. and Mrs. Griffin are doing." John informed the others.

"We'll go with you." Tyler said as he, Frank and John left to find Peter and Lois. They found them chatting with a relative of Lois'.

"Hey, Mrs. Griffin." John greeted, "What's going on here?"

"Oh, boys, I'm so glad you're here right." Lois said as she then introduced them to her friend, " Frank, John, Tyler, this is Coco, my friend from Newport. Coco, these are Frank, John and Tyler. They're the boys I was telling you about."

"Oooo, they are certainly quite handsome." Coco praised the duo as she then pinched Frank's cheek as if he was a little cheek, but Frank srugged it off as he rubbed his cheek, "Are they your kids?"

"Oh, no." Lois chuckled, "They're guests and Frank just my son in law, are staying with us for the moment."

"Oh, that's a relief." Coco remarked in relief, "Because if they were, I would've suspected that they were taught by Peter and Jake Jr here how to serve towels to everyone."

Peter and Frank then made a stern face after hearing what Coco said.

"Huh?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison.

"Lois, where are your parents?" Coco asked Lois, "Don't tell me they're still on safari."

"You know daddy." Lois said, "He won't rest until he kills something on every continent, he-eh. But I'm hoping they'll be back in for Christmas. That way they'll get to meet the boys."

"Yeah, it just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents not knowing about John and Tyler." Peter remarked.

"What are they like?" Tyler asked Frank.

"Oh, don't get me started about them." Frank said.

**Cutaway #2**

Peter was in a guest room with Lois' parents. The father glanced at Peter and took out a pocket watch, where he soon threw it by the fireplace.

"Oh, I dropped my watch, "Lois' father lied to get Peter's attention, "Peter, would you be a sport and fetch it for me?"

"Sure thing, Mr. Pewderschmidt." Peter volunteered, unaware that it was a trap as Lois' father then kicked Peter into the fireplace and the latter started to panic on fire.

"Peter, we gotta put that out!" The father acknowledged as he picked up a log and started beating Peter with it. The mother laughed at this.

**End**

"I'm telling ya, guys, nothing' changes." Frank said to John, Tyler and Brian, "These bluebeards still treat me and pops like scum just 'cause we're not loaded. Well, I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room."

"Peter, we have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow." Lois informed Peter, "She left us something in her will."

"Holy CRAP!" Peter exclaimed in excitement, "Oh, you sweet old broad, I love you!" Suddenly, Peter then picked up Aunt Marguerite's corpse and began waltzing with it around, catching the concern of the mourners and Lois' embarrassment.

"Mr. Griffin!" Tyler called to Peter, "You're disrespecting the dead!"

"Yeah, put it back! Quick!" John joined in, "You're making a scene!"

Peter then stopped after realized what John and Tyler meant and what he had done and immediately dropped the body on the floor.

"O, my God." Frank lied, "She's dead."

The next day, Peter, Frank and Lois visited Aunt Marguerite's lawyer, Arthur Plimpton at his office.

"Madam Pewderschmidt's passing has saddened us all." Arthur Plimpton acknowledged.

"Yeah, it's a real tragedy." Frank said, "What do we get? What do we get? Come on, big money! Big money! No whammy! No whammy! STOP!"

"Frank, please!" Lois ordered Peter, "I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief."

"Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you." Mr. Plimpton explained as he turned on the TV behind him.

The video played an introduction first to where Aunt Marguerite lived.

"Newport, Rhode Island, home of New England's most elegant and historic estates." The announcer on the tape said, "The Breakers, Rosecliff, and exquisite Cherrywood Manor, the palatial mansion of Marguerite Pewderschmidt. Marguerite is a shining example of how people with a lot of money are just plain better than everyone else."

"Lois, you were always my favorite." Aunt Marguerite said to Lois, "I just knew you'd find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong."

Cuts to Peter and Lois.

"And now you're dead." Peter scoffed, "Score one for Frank and Peter."

Lois shushed Peter to hear more of Aunt Marguerite's message.

Cuts back to Aunt Marguerite on the screen.

"It's time you started living like a Pewderschmidt." Aunt Marguerite insisted, "That's why I'm giving you my summer home in Newport."

Cuts back to Peter and Lois.

"Cherrywood?" Lois exclaimed in surprise, "That's so generous of Aunt Marguerite."

"Wow, our own summerhouse!" Frank acknowledged in excitement, "Now I feel kinda bad for doing that thing with her toothbrush."

The family then arrived at the manor as they passed through the gates and drove through the driveway. Frank, John, Tyler, Meg, Persephone, Frank Jr and Chris gazed at the exterior of the mansion in awe and as the car pulled up by the entrance, a song parodying _Annie_ soon followed.

_We only live to kiss your ass_

"No, thanks!" John and Tyler rejected in unison.

"Kiss it?" One of the servants said, "Hell, we'll even wipe it for you."

"Again. No, thanks!" Tyler repeated.

_From her on in, it's Easy Street_

"What about Hard Street?" Tyler asked.

"It's right over there." The same servant from before pointed to Tyler a rundown, stereotypically crime-invested street literally called "Hard Street."

"I'm gonna stay over there for the next 2 minutes." Tyler said as he headed toward Hard Street.

(A/N: That's the running time of the song. I just thought this would be funny.)

"Any bars on Easy Street?" Peter asked the servant.

"24 happy hours a day." The servant replied.

"Oh, boy." Peter exclaimed in excitement.

It then cut to the front gate with two guards.

_We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate_

"Can I see that pamphlet, sir?" The guard asked the Jehova's Witness, whom handed it to him and the guard slapped the Witness.

_My God, this house is freakin' sweet_

Frank was soon pulled into a twirl by a maid and the family entered the mansion. It then showed a bearded chef.

_I make brunch_

_Clive cooks lunch_

_[Both chefs]_

_Each and every day_

Then another chef jumped in.

_Chocolate cake_

_ala Blake_

_[Peter]_

_Hundred buck_

_Blake is gay_

"You're on!" Tyler appeared and agreed to Peter's bet.

"What the hell?" Peter exclaimed after seeing Tyler, "What are you doing here?"

"Yeah, you said you were gonna be over at that Hard Street for the rest of the song." John reminded Tyler.

"I was, but it was too much for me to handle." Tyler explained, "Plus, there were a couple of gang members trying to shoot me. But they missed every shot." As he said this, it them showed Tyler's back filled with bullet holes behind him as blood bled from the holes, "Besides, I want to settle down on Medium Street."

"I don't think there is a Medium Street, Tyler." John acknowledged.

"Actually, there's one over there between Expert Street and Intense Street at Difficulty Drive." The same servant said.

Then some servants surrounded around Persephone.

_We'll do the best we can with __Persephone_

"What's that supposed to mean?" John asked them in confusion.

"Are you saying I'm ugly?" Persephone asked them in concern.

"It doesn't matter, dear." A maid assured her, "You're rich now."

"But she's not ugly!" John testified in Persephone's defense, "Are you people even listening to me?!"

_We'll do your nails and rub your feet_

"Oh, that's not nece-" Meg tried to shrug off the servants' offer, but was soon entranced by the experience, "Oh, my..."

_We'll do your homework every night_

"It's really hard." Chris said.

"That's why we got that Stephen Hawking guy." The main servant informed Chris as he pointed to Stephen Hawking in front of them.

_My God, this house is freakin' sweet_

Frank then got Meg out of the chair she was sitting in earlier and danced on the staircase with her.

_Used to pass_

_Lots of gas_

_Everyone ran away_

He gave her a twirl as she stopped by the edge of the stairway.

_Now we've got_

_30 rooms_

_Hello, beans_

_Goodbye, spray_

He then pulled out a can of air freshener and sprayed it around the screen.

"We'll all still run!" Tyler said to Frank.

The servants caught Frank.

_We'd take a bullet just for you_

"Oh, what a coincidence." Stewie remarked at the servants' lyrics and he removed the head of his teddy bear, Rupert to reveal it to be actually a gun, "I've got o-" The gun was blasted out of Stewie's hand by a blast of energy. It panned behind Stewie to reveal that Frank Jr was the one to have shot the blast using his Chaos Emeralds.

"So do me." Frank Jr said.

_Prepare to suck that golden teat_

_Now that you're stinking rich_

_We'll gladly be your bitch_

_My God, this house _

_Is_

_[All]_

_Freakin'_

_Sweet!_

"Welcome!" The servants greeted, ending the song.

The servants carrying Peter at the end of the song then put him down where one of the maids came up to Peter.

"That's a wrap, people!" The maid informed the other servants as she gave Peter the keys to the mansion, "Now, let's get the hell out of here."

"Huh?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison confused at what the maid meant.

"Hey, wait a second." Frank hesitated, "Where are you going'?"

"The old bag only paid us up through the song." The maid explained to Frank.

"Aw, that's not fair... oh, well." Tyler said.

"An elderly rich woman who's never paid her own hard-working servants except for a song after her death?" John acknowledged in outrage, "That ain't right!"

"Well, we can just pick up after ourselves." Lois addressed, "After all, we'll only be here on weekends."

"No, no, Lois." Peter protested, "It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are."

"That's 'Pewderschmidt'." Lois corrected her husband.

"Wa-Wait, you guys!" Peter stopped the servants who were about to leave, "You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants."

"Peter, where are we gonna get the money to pay all these people?" Lois asked Peter about his decision.

"Yeah, after what I've witnessed from these people, forget it!" John testified as he was about to leave with Tyler.

"Uh, actually, I wouldn't that if I were you, John." Peter said to John.

"Why not?" John asked.

"Simple. I, uh, sold our house in Quahog." Peter confessed.

"WHAT?!" Frank, Meg, John and Tyler reacted.

""You sold our home?!" Lois reacted also.

"Surprise!" Peter exclaimed in nervousness.

"Peter, how could you?!" Lois demanded in outrage at Peter's stunt.

"Whoops." Peter exclaimed in realization, Frank Jr then broke out in song.

_I recognize that tone_

_Tonight grandpa sleep alone_

_But, still-_

_[Now with servants]_

_This house_

_Is_

_Freakin'_

_Sweet!_

John and Tyler groan in irritation after that.

"Peter, how could you sell our house in Quahog without even asking me?" Lois asked Peter about his decision.

"Oh, honey, this is where you belong." Peter reasoned, "You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, like diamonds."

"Why?" John asked, "Because she's a girl?"

"No!" Peter protested, "...okay, a little."

**Cutaway #3**

It cuts to the infamous "Diamonds are Forever" commercial, where the silhouette of a man inserting a visible ring onto the finger of another silhouette of a woman. They then kiss and the woman soon goes down off-screen and only shows the man, who soon tilts his head back and smiles in pleasure.

(A/N: You can probably guess what this means. And BTW, this is actually from the commentary of the original episode. I'm not joking! They were gonna go further at this joke. Seriously, just watch and listen to this episode's commentary on disc 2 of _Family Guy Vol. 1_ and hear what they have to say about this.)

Before it goes further, it soon cuts to a black title card reading "DIAMONDS. She'll pretty much have to."

**End**

"But I love our old house." Lois professed, "You have to buy it back."

"Ah, it's too late for that." Peter informed Lois, "Our stuff is already packed. It's on its way here."

"As much as you expect me to agree on this, me and Tyler are never gonna be living in this prison." John testified against Peter's idea.

"Same here!" Tyler agreed.

"Boys, I'd love to be back in our old home in Quahog as much as you both do." Lois said, "But at the moment, this is the only place we have to stay."

"Yeah, and come on, you guys are gonna love living in Newport." Peter persuaded both Lois, John and Tyler, "Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate."

The last words he spoke, "intimate" then echoed throughout the room two times.

"But this place is just creepy." Tyler claimed, which, like Peter, the last word in Tyler's statement were echoed a few times.

"Echo!" Tyler exclaimed, hoping it would end up the same thing, but 3 seconds passed and there was nothing but silence, "DARN IT! Well, we don't care! J-man and I are not gonna live here!"

"Then... where will you go?" Lois asked them concern, "How will you get food? How are you both gonna get by without us?"

John and Tyler, however, didn't answer and their eyes shifted to each other. It soon cut to the Griffins outside the back of the mansion where it showed John and Tyler across the property's borders. John then plucked a whole oak tree out of its place and placed it on its side.

(A/N: This was actually a large tree almost the size of an ordinary bathroom. I'm sorry if this is lazy writing here, but I just thought this scene would be interesting.)

Then, Tyler used Chaos Spear at both the base and the top of the now-fallen tree. John then started to tunnel into the tree to make space inside. He also punched out holes each next to the bigger hole he made earlier, which acts as an entrance.

"THIS IS WHERE WE'LL BE FOR NOW ON!" John hollered to the Griffins from the distance, "AS FOR FOOD, WELL, WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!" He and Tyler then entered the log home they built.

"John and Tyler, you both get back here right no-" Lois ordered the duo from the other side, but before she could finish, a bolt of lightning struck the log house that John and Tyler made and it caught on fire. John and Tyler then bursted out of the log house, where they were also on fire.

"AAHHH!" John screamed in pain, "OUR HOUSE! IT'S ON FIRE!" He then began to stop, drop and roll.

"AND SO ARE WE!" Tyler reminded his best friend while still on fire, "BUT HOW CAN THIS BE?! THERE'S NOT A CLOUD IN THE-"

Just as he had said that, however, he and John were soon put out and then drenched by an unexpected nor unscheduled rain storm.

"...sky..." Tyler then finished his statement.

It then cut back to the foyer, where the Griffins were still where they were before John and Tyler's attempt at living on their own. Just then, two servants came up with John and Tyler, who are now completely covered in soot.

"The gentlemen you requested to bring in, Madame." One of the servants informed Lois.

"Thank you." Lois thanked the servants who brought in John and Tyler, whom she soon turned her attention to, "Now, as for you two, this is exactly the kind of thing I was warning you both about earlier. From now on, no matter where we stay, you guys are to do the same thing as you are also part of the family. Understood?"

"Yes." They agreed gruntly in unison, "'Cause we were thinking of going back here, anyway." As Tyler said that, the duo then passed out.

"So, we're really gonna living here now?" Persephone asked with a hint of excitement, where the words "Echo!" from Tyler earlier finally echoed throughout the room.

"OH, NOW IT GOES!" Tyler remarked in anger.

"That's right, honey!" Peter assured his daughter.

"I don't know, Peter." Lois said warily.

"Please, mom." Persephone begged Lois, then turned her attention to her right, "Look, there's a pool."

"So?" John asked.

"Yeah." Frank Jr said, "And there's a diving board."

"WHERE?!" Tyler shouted as he rushed to where Frank Jr pointed.

The Griffins were now being shown around the house by the head servant, where Stewie runs off from the group a bit.

"The solarium is at the far end of the west wing." The butler told the family while Stewie was exploring a bit on his own until he was approached by the twins from _The Shining_.

"Come play with us, Stewie." The twins recommended to Stewie dullfully, "Forever and ever and ever."

Yes, all work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy." Stewie remarked.

John and Tyler then came up behind Stewie and saw what was going on.

"Hey, look!" Tyler pointed on, "It's the-"

But before Tyler could finish, however, Stewie pulled out a bazooka and fired at the twins, possibly killing them.

"You were saying?" John asked Tyler.

"Never mind." Tyler answered.

The trio got back to the tour without anyone noticing they were gone.

"And across the hall from the library, we have the billiard room." The butler informed the Griffins as he stopped at a door in front of him, "And here we have the lounge." He opened the door to show the room.

Brian immediately took notice and gasped in amazement. "Sweet Mary, mother of God!" Brian exclaimed, "Jackpot!" He then zoomed to the bar in anticipation.

"What can I get you, sir?" A bartender popped up from behind the bar and greeted Brian, "We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles." He said as he held up a book entitled, "Wine List Newport Country Club" on the cover.

Brian then turned to Lois.

"Don't make me beg." Brian pleaded.

"Well, I did love spending time here when I was a kid." Lois acknowledged.

"Alright, mom!" Chris praised his mother's decision.

The next night after the Griffins' new stay at Cherrywood, they get invited to dinner over at the Yacht Club of Newport (sign noted) by Lois' cousin from earlier in the episode, Coco. In the restaurant, they were already having their supper.

"Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world." Coco told the Griffins.

"Oh, oh, funny sailing story." Peter brought up.

"I love stories." Frank Jr exclaimed in interest.

"Oh, you want to hear it?" Peter asked Frank Jr, wondering about what the latter meant.

"Yeah, tell us." Tyler insisted.

"Alright. This guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean, right?" Peter explained, "And he sees a little black dog. And let me tell ya, this dog's been swimming for days and he stinks like a dead otter, right?"

"Peter, maybe this isn't the place for that-" Lois tried to persuade Peter to cancel the story.

"Oh, come on, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said to Lois, "I wanna know how the story plays out."

"Yeah, see? Tyler wants to hear more." Peter pointed out to Lois, who took a sip of her water in nervousness knowing how the story ends up, "Anyway, so the guy takes the dog into the vet."

"Yeah?" Frank Jr said.

"And the freakin' vet tells him, get this, 'It's not a dog.'"

"What was it?" Tyler asked curiously.

"'It's a rat.'" Peter answered, "A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story." This lead to two men nearby to lose their appetites suddenly.

"No way!" Frank Jr exclaimed in amazement at hearing Peter's answer.

"Frank Jr, that's just an urban legend." Meg informed Frank Jr.

"No way, it has to be true!" Tyler insisted.

"Do you believe everything you hear?" John asked Tyler.

"NO!" Tyler yelled, "...maybe."

"Yeah, Hand to God." Peter agreed with Frank Jr and Tyler, "I'm telling you, it was a-a huge, freakin' rat."

"How big was it?" Frank Jr asked Peter in curiosity.

"Five times as big as that guy's steak." Peter answered whilst pointing to a man close by trying to cut his steak, but also lost his appetite.

"Oh, Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story." Lois assuredly praised her husband.

"Oh, I've got a million of them." Peter proclaimed, "Like this time my buddy's sister's boss. He was drinking with a hooker in this Vegas bar." He said this as Coco was using her napkin, then a slam on the table made her jump, "BAM! Woke up without his kidney."

"No wa-" Tyler was about to say before realizing, "Wait, that didn't sound right, did it?"

Then suddenly, a man at a table behind Peter throws up over the window he was next to after hearing Peter's story.

The next day, Peter Frank and Frank Jr, Brian were lounging in the pool while John and Tyler were soaking their feet in it whilst still in their regular clothes at the pool's side.

"Aw, I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club." Peter moped about last night, "I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket."

"Face it, Pops." Frank said to Peter floating by him, "You have a knack for saying the wrong thing."

"Huh, this sucks." Peter complained, "Lois' friend 'yacht boy' and his lovely wife 'Caca' invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to embarrass her again. You gotta help me, guys. Teach me how to be a gentleman."

"You guys go do whatever you want." John told his peers as he put his socks and shoes back on, "I'm gonna go see what everyone else is doing." He then walked off, leaving Peter, Frank Jr, Frank, Brian and Tyler to themselves.

"Mr. Griffin, it's not that hard." Tyler assured Peter, "You just need to be nice towards people, that's all."

"He's right." Brian agreed, "Ehh, let's start with polite conversation." He then took his sunglasses off as he said this, "For example, 'it's a pleasure to see you again.' Tyler."

"'yes, lovely weather we're having'." Tyler finished the example.

"See?" Frank Jr asked Peter as he put his sunglasses back on, "Now you try."

"It's a pleasure to see you again." Peter repeated what Brian said, seemingly showing that he was doing well so far, until, "After _Hogan's Heroes_, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?"

"Wow. Just. Wow." Was all Tyler could respond after hearing what Peter said?

"Yes, perfect. My work is done." Brian sarcastically agreed, "But just for the heck of it, let's try again."

Meanwhile, John had already reached the west wing exterior of the mansion, where the rest of the family was having breakfast.

"More coffee, Madame?" The butler offered Lois.

"Oh, I can get that, Sebastian." Lois insured her servant, "To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on."

"Cut my eggs." Stewie ordered a servant who was standing there holding both a fork and knife and did as Stewie told him to do.

"Your eggs are cut, sir." The servant informed Stewie.

"Cut my milk!" Stewie then ordered the servant holding up his milk.

"I can't, sir." The servant addressed Stewie, "its liquid."

"Imbecile!" Stewie called the servant, "Freeze it, and then cut it! And if you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy on you!"

"Well, I see you're all enjoying yourselves." John greeted the family.

"Oh, hello, John." Lois greeted back, "Where's Tyler?"

"He's with Mr. Griffin, Frank and Frank Jr, Brian right now." John explained.

"Oh, alright." Lois said as she then turned her attention to Persephone and Meg, "And Meg, Persephone, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus."

"Yeah, filled with beautiful people." Persephone remarked, "And I'm gonna bag me a rich one."

"Persephone, that's a terrible thing to say." Lois said at Persephone's comment, "You should marry someone you love. That's what I did."

"Yeah, and he got us kicked out of the yacht club." Persephone remarked sarcastically.

"Hey, that's your dad you're talking about, little lady." John testified before thinking and then turning to Lois, "By the way, why you and Ms. Uzumaki did chose Mr. Griffin and f-man dad over your status in high society? I mean, besides being himself."

"Well, John, that's the reason that we fell in love with them in the first place." Lois told John.

"Really?" John responded intrigued.

"Yep. (Sighs) He was so different from everyone else." Lois explained as she wavered her unfolded napkin around.

It then flashed back to Lois' youth where she and sayo were attending a ball with other patrons of high society. Coco was waltzing with her future husband.

"Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard, I'm gonna carry you into the sunset on a white horse." Jonathan said to his future wife.

"It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur." Coco insisted to his comment.

"Isn't she a bit of terrific?" Jonathan asked Lois, who was already annoyed at their snootiness as they laughed and waltzed back onto the dance floor.

Two gentleman then offered a dance with her and sayo, but gently declined their offer. They then walked over to a balcony, where they soon heard a bit of rock music coming from below. It was coming from a party being thrown by the resort staff. Lois and sayo clearly more interested in that than the ball, decided to go down and join them. As she opened the door, it showed all the servants partying with each other, including Peter and Jake, who was already dancing with another women, who was blonde and wearing a red outfit. They then looked up and found Lois and sayo by the door looking right back at him with a smile. their jaw dropped as they couldn't believe their eyes as they saw Lois Pewderschmidt and sayo uzumaki right there, showing to even wanting to have a dance with them. Jake then dropped the woman he was already dancing with and started to swing his way to the entrance of the room where sayo was, peter followed by example. Their date gets up and gets easily angered by this. Peter/Jake reaches Lois/sayo and begins dancing with her. This scene is pretty much that of a similar scene from _Dirty Dancing_.

After the dance, Lois drifts back into reality with her children around her arms.

"Wow." John exclaimed impressed by Lois' story, "That explains a lot."

"Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own riches," Lois taught John, Meg and Chris, "Money doesn't buy happiness."

As they were leaving, Stewie was still in his high chair, which now had three bells placed on its tray.

"Oh, I beg to differ." Stewie disagreed with his mother.

"I can already see you being turned by your own men." John remarked at Stewie's possible demise.

"GET OUT!" Stewie shouted demanded and John then left.

After that, Stewie rings all three of the bells, summoning three servants before him.

"You!" Stewie said and pointed to the servant at his right, "Bring me the _Wall Street Journal_!" The servant immediately dashed off to do as Stewie told him, "You two..." Stewie then said and pointed to the other remaining servants, "...fight to the death!"

The two servants then did as they were told as the one on the left grabbed a vase, smashed its base to make use as a weapon and dared the other to attack, whom instead broke off a curtain bar to use as a staff. After circling for a few seconds, the one holding the curtain bar slashed the other's chest, leaving a slice on his suit... Okay, you know what, I'm not gonna bother writing this scene down for you guys. You already know what it is and have seen it plenty of times before. You can probably already guess that by now.

Anyway, meanwhile, Frank, Frank Jr, Tyler and Brian were still trying to help Peter become a gentleman. And yes, I will tell you what happens here. Peter was strapped to an electric chair.

"Okay, Peter." Frank said to Peter, "Me, Brian and Tyler were hoping we wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been-"

"Are you kidding?" Frank asked Frank Jr, "What progress?"

"Yeah, who're we kidding? We haven't made any progress."

"Now the left TV is tuned to _Frasier_." Tyler then told Peter.

"Yes, and the right TV is _Ricki Lake_." Brian followed, "If you so much as to glance at the right TV, we're giving you 10,000 volts."

"Got it." Peter then told them.

It then cut to the TV showing an episode of _Frasier_.

"Well, Frasier..." Niles said to Frasier, "You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa, you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa."

Cuts back to Frank Jr and Peter

"That, of course." Frank Jr said as he was giving an applaud to what happened, "I never thought of it that way."

"Huh. This is the smartest show on TV." Peter then acknowledged.

"Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend." Ricki's voice from the right TV said offscreen, "She ain't supposed to be having no penis!"

This managed to get Peter's attention and soon, Brian pushed the button on the remote, I guess, and Peter got eletricuted and then passed out.

"Master Brian." Sebastian asked Brian and Frank, "Do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentlemen at the auction?"

"Well, we've got a long road ahead." Brian responded, "But, uh... Hey, I've worked miracles before."

"What kind?" Frank Jr asked Brian.

**Cutaway #4**

It cut to the 1993 Academy Awards ceremony, where the presenter at the stand.

"And the Academy Award for Best Supportive Actress goes to..." The presenter on stage announced as he then held up the winning vote, "... Marisa Tomei!"

It then cut to a young Brian sitting between Marisa Tomei and Jack Nickolson. Marisa is delighted to have won and gives Brian a thank-you kiss on his nose, leaving a kiss mark behind. Brian then shakes hands with Jack Nickolson.

**End**

The next day, Peter and Lois attended the auction Peter said about at the Newport Historical Society with John, Tyler and Brian accompanying them.

(A/N: In case you want to know, Peter allowed them in just so they could help out.)

Inside, Lois was with Frank, Meg, John, Tyler and Brian waiting for Peter and Frank Jr.

"Peter was supposed to meet us here an hour ago." Lois acknowledged about Peter's tardiness, "I hope he didn't change his mind."

"Well, maybe he's already here." Frank claimed, "Maybe he's fitting in so well, we just can't tell him from the other bluebloods."

"Heh!" John laughed off Frank's claim, "Good one."

"Well, I don't think we have to worry about that." Lois chuckled agreeing with John, both knowing what Brian said wouldn't be true.

Then suddenly, a trumpet fanfare played from a stairway to Lois, Frank, Meg, John, Tyler and Brian's right and it showed a man dressed as a Victorian announcer. He unrolled his scroll and began to read.

"'Lord Peter Lowenbrau Griffin the First and Lord Frank George Mallque/Griffin the second.'" The announcer addressed and moved away to reveal Peter and Frank Jr dressed as Newport gentlemen, where they placed on their top hats and twisted their mustache.

"Play me down the stairs, boys." Peter said to the trumpeters who were playing the fanfare earlier and they started playing classical music on their trumpets. "Good day." Peter greeted to the first person he passed by walking down the stairs, "Echante." He greeted another, "Pasta Fazul." Frank Jr said to yet another as he dropped a coin in the man's hat, whom the latter was holding upside down.

Lois gasped at what she saw.

"What the heck?!" John reacted at seeing Peter and Frank Jr in his new persona.

Peter and Frank Jr then walked up in front of a statuesque woman in a lavender dress.

"Mmm, looking' good, ladies." Peter and Frank Jr complimented spying through opera visors at the woman's cleavage, who didn't seem bothered by it.

"John, do you know anything about this?" Lois suspected toward John.

"Not me!" John admitted, "I had nothing to do with it!"

"Tyler?" Lois then turned her attention to Tyler.

"I didn't do it, either!" Tyler confessed, "I gave the job to-" Tyler soon paused at what he just said and then turned toward Brian, suspecting it was his work, "Brian, was this the 'miracle' you told me before?"

"Tyler, please." Brian said, "I'm just a dog... a stupid dog."

A waitress was passing by next to Frank and Brian, whom they turned to.

"Vodka stinger with a whiskey back." Brian and Frank ordered the waitress, "And step on it!"

"Brian and Frank got the right idea." Tyler then remarked at Brian and Frank's idea, "Ma'am, could you bring me something, too, please? I need something to help me forget about something." The waitress then left, "AND I DON'T MEAN LIQUOR!"

Later, Lois and John were with Peter and Frank Jr, who was chatting with Coco and her husband, Jonathan.

"Peter, you're simply enchanting." Coco complimented to Peter, "You must join us tomorrow for a game of baccarat."

"Mmm, right baccarat at ya." Frank Jr said.

Coco and Jonathan let out a gentle laugh towards Frank Jr's comment.

"What's baccarat?" John said to himself as he noticed Lois walking away, "Mrs. Griffin?" He then went to reach up with her. They ended up at a bar where Brian and Tyler were sitting there.

"Brian, what happened to Peter and Frank Jr?" Lois asked Brian, "He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or Frank Jr isn't asking anyone to pull his finger. (Sighs) That's not the man I married or the baby boy who I come to love."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin." John said to Lois feeling bad for her, whilst at the same time trying to comfort her, "If it makes you feel better, I'll try to help figure out what's wrong with Peter and Frank Jr."

"Oh, John. That's so sweet of you to do." Lois said back to John.

"So, I'm guessing that means you two are already into each other, then?" Brian said surly, obviously drunk.

"What?!" John and Lois exclaimed at Brian's response.

"Lighten up, toots." Frank drunkenly insisted as he also slapped Lois' rear, making both her and John turn in anger, "It's a party."

"Yeah, J-man, lighten up!" Tyler chuckled also sounding a little off.

"Tyler, didn't you even listen to what Brian and Frank just said?" John questioned Tyler.

"... No..." Tyler just said.

"(sigh) Alright, 1: he assumed me and Mrs. Griffin were sexually attracted to each other." John pointed out to Tyler, "And 2: Mrs. Griffin is kind of like our own step mom right now. So, now do you see the messed up message here?"

"Oohhh..." Tyler then exclaimed, but suddenly, he started laughing hysterically for no reason, "I don't get it!"

"Tyler, what's with you?" John asked Tyler.

"I don't know. I'm just happy, I guess." Tyler answered, "I drink this juice that the waitress served me and now I can't stop laughing." Tyler then laughed again after he said this.

Lois then took the glass from Tyler's hand and found the solution to Tyler's strange behavior.

"Tyler, this isn't juice. It's gin!" Lois informed Tyler, making it clear that he was drunk.

"Ooohhh... (Laughs) No wonder it tasted funny. I LOVE IT!" Tyler drunk cheered.

"Yeah, that's the spirit, Tyler. Wooo!" Brian praised Tyler, also drunk as he turned to the bartender, "Hey, barkeep! My friend and I here need more drinks over here! It's like the damn Sahara over here!"

"Yeah!" Tyler joined in, "Like the dang Sahara over here!"

"Oh, no, you're not, young man!" Lois protested in outrage as she then grabbed Tyler by the ear, pulling him out of his seat, "When we get home, we are going to have a serious talk."

"But, Mrs. Griffin, I love gin." Tyler said to Lois.

"Not when you get your hangover you won't." Lois demanded, "I do not want any of my children, including you boys, to be drinking underage. Understood?"

"You don't need to tell me twice." John told Lois.

"Hey, come on, Lois." Brian said to Lois, "The kid's having his first taste of alcohol in his life and celebrating it. So, let him have his fun-"

Then Meg came up to the bar, much to Frank's interest.

"Hey, how ya doing', honey?" Frank greeted the woman.

It then cut to the auction, which was about to start.

"Welcome to the Historical Society Auction." The auction's host, Mr. Brandywine, greeted the attendants, "Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. We'll start the bidding at $140,000."

"What a marvelous vessel." Peter remarked, "It would look smashing in Lois' crapper. I mean 'crapier'."

"You are so right." Coco agreed with Peter, "Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan!"

Jonathan was caught by surprise from his wife's demand.

"Oh, uh, $140,000." Jonathan said starting the bid.

"$150,000." Peter then said, going up a bit.

Cuts back to the bar with Lois, John, Tyler and Brian.

"Boys that sounded like Peter." Lois acknowledged.

"Yeah, it did." John agreed, "I wonder what's going on over there."

"Hey, come here, you!" Brian drunkenly said as he tried to grab his own tail, laughing after managing to grab.

"Lemme get it." Frank also drunkly said to Brian, wanting to grab his tail, too, "I want the white thing, too!"

They both laughed as they each grabbed Brian's tail and soon fall over.

Meanwhile, back at the auction.

"$160,000." Jonathan bidded.

"$170,000." Frank Jr soon bidded.

"$180,000!" Jonathan bidded, earer to beat Frank Jr.

"$190,000!" Peter then bidded, beating Jonathan even further.

Then, suddenly, he got up and declared, "$200,000."

This got the attention of everyone but Peter at Jonathan's risky bid.

Lois, however, then gave a smile in relief to this. The same went for John.

"We have a new record for the Historical Society!" Mr. Brandywine acknowledged, but Peter was still determined to win the vase, "The vessel goes to-"

"$100 million!" Peter declared at the last minute.

Hearing this, Lois dropped her glass in shock, while John's jaw dropped to the floor in cartoonish fashion.

"To Mr. Peter Griffin." Mr. Brandywine then said, "For an astonishing $100 million!"

Peter and Frank Jr posed in victory as Mr. Brandywine said this.

John and Lois, however, were still stunned at what just happened. The camera then panned to Frank, Brian and Tyler, who were both still drunk, getting a little carried away.

"Money, money." Brian and Frank sang drunk as he was urinating beside the wall.

"MONEY!" Tyler also sang drunk finishing the song.

Lois then came towards Peter's direction, whom was chatting with Coco and Jonathan about his victory. John followed with her.

"Peter, I had no idea you were such a philanthropist." Coco said to Peter.

"It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling." A woman in a gray dress praised Peter from behind, "Do you collect _objets d'art_?"

"Well, if that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses,' then _si_." Frank Jr answered.

Everyone laughed along with Frank Jr and Peter. Mr. Brandywine then came up to the latter.

"Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner." Mr. Brandywine praised Peter.

**Cutaway #5**

Ted Turner was shown at a podium, appearing to be giving a speech.

"Uh, uh, I'd like to announce that I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate." Ted Turner announced, "I'm gonna colorize the moon. By the way, does my chin looks like an ass?"

**End**

"Peter, you don't have a $100 million dollars!" Lois reminded Peter, trying to bring him back into reality.

"Of course I do, my dear." Peter assured to Lois, oblivious to her warnings and then turned to Mr. Brandywine.

"Now, will that be cash or check?" Mr. Brandywine asked Peter while writing down the amount the latter owed him.

"Drop by Cherrywood this evening." Peter told Mr. Brandywine, "I'll have the money wired to me from my Swiss bank account."

"Ah, very good, sir." Mr. Brandywire replied.

"You don't have a Swiss bank account!" Lois informed Peter.

"Right." Peter chuckled after hearing her, then whispered to Mr. Brandywine, "My, uh, Lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret. In case things don't work out."

"(Heavy sigh) I'm going home with John and Tyler." Lois informed Peter, having had enough, "Come along, boys."

"Right behind ya, Mrs. G." John said to Lois as he was now carried a passed out Frank and Tyler, who snored heavily.

"Wait, where's Brian?" Lois asked.

It then cuts to Brian outside next to the Society's valet parking.

"Listen, I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL." Brian negotiated with the employee, "Can you help me out?"

Later that night at Cherrywood, Meg was now in a green, formal dress talking on the phone about her decision.

"I'm sorry, but mom made her decision." Meg said on the phone, "We're moving back to Quahog just as soon as we can get packed."

"Thank goodness." John, in his regular clothes, responded to what he heard from Meg.

It then shifted to Persephone, who was also in a light-purple, formal dress.

"Ugh, Quahog?" Persephone scoffed, "That one-horse town?"

**Cutaway #6**

It showed only a horse in the middle of an empty town.

"Hey, shut up." The senile horse said to himself as he was clearly insane from being the only one left in town, "No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. You're the one talking. Well, there's no one else here. OKAY, EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP! (gasped and whispered) What's that? The wind,"

**End**

"A pox on Quahog!" Persephone declared as she spat, which Sebastian was coincidently there to catch and was also holding the phone she was talking on, where the latter soon hung up.

"(groans in pain) Easy!" Brian and Frank pleaded suffering from a hangover.

"(groans in pain) Yes, please!" Tyler agreed also in his regular clothes and also hungover.

"Well, Tyler. That's the prize you get for having your hangover." Lois told Tyler, "I hope you learned a lesson."

"(Groans in pain) I sure have." Frank said to Meg and his mom, "The only glass you'll all see me drink is cola!"

"Said the guys who drink, like, two shots of gin." John said afterwards.

"Yeah, well, that's gonna be the only time, because I'm never drinking again." Tyler swore.

"Gin." John said.

"WHERE?!" Tyler excitedly reacted, but his headache kicked in, "AAHHH, MY HEAD!"

"If I ever go back to Quahog, it'll just so I can poor people with a stick!" Chris, now in a tux, remarked.

It was revealed that it was all at the dining room table. Peter and Frank Jr then entered the room, still as Lord Griffin.

"Mmm, Bon Jovi, everyone." Peter and Frank Jr greeted the family.

"Now I remember why I and sayo left Newport!" Lois spoke, "It changes people. You kids have lost your values. You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends."

"Friends?" John and Tyler asked in unison.

**Cutaway #7**

It cut to Stewie sitting in a room with billiards and was chatting with three gentlemen.

"Yes, yes." One of the men spoke in a British accent, "The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste."

"Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it!" Stewie butted in, "Now, look here. You ca't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up!"

"Interesting." The man Stewie argued with acknowledged smoking his pipe.

"Indeed." Stewie then remarked.

**End**

"I hate this place." Tyler complained.

"Same here." John said, "Let's get out of here."

Peter and Frank Jr then let out a snobbish sigh at their statements.

"Here, old chap. Go buy yourself some more money." Peter told John as he handed him a couple of bills in his hand.

This got John angry as he suddenly shredded the money Peter gave him and went into a fit.

"RRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!" John screamed, "IHATETHISPLACEIHATETHISPLACEIHATETHISPLACEIHATETHISPLACE!"

He was kick in the nuts by Frank Jr then lifted by the arms by Sebastian from behind.

"May I escort Master John to his quarters, Madame?" Sebastian suggested to Lois.

"That would be great." Lois answered, "Thank you, Sebastian."

Sebastian then exited the room carrying a road rage/nut hurt John easily.

Later, Peter and Frank Jr was in the library when Frank, Tyler and Brian entered the room.

"Hey, old beans." Peter greeted the three as Brian soon held up one of the latter's _Star Wars _collectors glasses, "Hey, hey, what are you guys doing with my _Star Wars _glass?"

"Illustrating a point." Brian answered, "Tyler."

"Thank you." Tyler replied as Brian handed him the glass and stepped up to Peter, "Mr. Griffin, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's Palace that he was able to see the error of his ways."

"That's right." Frank spoke and turned to Frank Jr, "Look inside yourself. You're not a Newport millionaire. We created you."

"And in a way..." Tyler then joined and soon with a dark tone in his voice, "... we are your fathers."

"That's not true!" Frank Jr said in disbelieve tearing up, "That's impossible!"

"Damn it, guys!" Brian said to Frank Jr and Peter, "Snap out of it!"

Tyler then threw the glass at the floor.

"Noooooo!" Peter and Frank Jr exclaimed as the glass breaks upon impact and Frank Jr and Peter shook their head and he was back to normal, "Ugh. Geez, I just had the craziest dream where grandpa bought a $100 million vase."

"A Mr. Brandywine from the Historical Society is at the front gate." Sebastian came in and informed Peter, "He'll be here in half an hour."

"That wasn't a dream, Frank Jr." Brian informed Frank Jr about what he did, "He's here for the money."

"Ah, guys, I'm screwed!" Peter panicked.

"Yeah, you sure are." Frank remarked.

"If I welsh on that debt, I-I-I', just gonna prove to everyone that I'm not good enough for Lois." Peter sulked, "If only I had something worth that much money. Man, I never should've dropped Mean Joe Greene's jersey."

**Cutaway #8**

We see Peter having a sip of a Coke when Mean Joe Greene walked past him.

"Good game, Mean Joe." Peter praised Mean Joe Greene, "You want some of my Coke?"

Mean Joe accepted Peter's drink and took a sip as Peter then began to leave.

"Hey, kid." Mean Joe called Peter, "Catch." He then tossed his jersey toward Peter, recreating the famous Coca-Cola commercial.

"Wow, thanks, Mean Joe." Peter thanks Mean Joe.

However, unlike the iconic commercial, Mean Joe Greene then tossed all his other clothes on top of Peter. This then caused the latter to run away.

**End**

"Hey, wha-what about this house?" Peter suggested having an idea, "I can just give him the house and call it even."

"Cherrywood isn't worth a $100 million." Brian then informed Peter.

"It's worth a million or two, at the most." Tyler then remarked.

"Guys, it's the Historical Society." Frank Jr reminded the duo, "Look, we just gotta convince him that $100 million worth of history happened here."

It then cut to a carving on a wall reading "Jesus was here 2/15/57 BC."

"So you're saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle 51 years before He was born." Mr. Brandywine calculated Peter's statement.

"Yeah, He's Jesus. He can do anything." Frank Jr responded as he turned to his left, "And look over here." it then showed a large hole in another wall, "That's where the stock market crashed."

"Mr. Griffin." Mr. Brandywine said to Peter, but the latter cut him off.

"Oh, I'm telling you, you can't take a step in this house without uncovering something historical." Peter then said as he tapped the floor below, which made a train whistle noise, "(gasp) Wha-wha-wait a second. Could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad?" He then pulled a piece of floorboard out from under him and revealed a toy train, "(gasps) It is! Go, Freedom Train, go!"

"I've seen enough." Mr. Brandywine announced annoyed, "I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day!" He then stormed off.

"W-W-Wait, wait!" Frank Jr called to Mr. Brandywine trying to get him to come back and snatched a rock from a stand, "Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!"

"Plymouth Rock!" Tyler corrected Peter from at the door.

"What's going on now?" John came in and asked Tyler about the situation.

"Mr. Griffin tried to convince the man he owes money to." Tyler told John.

"He is?" John asked, "But I thought he was-" John paused for a second before saying, "You got him back to his senses, didn't you?"

"Yep." Tyler answered.

After that, Frank, John and Tyler were with a sulking Peter and Frank Jr, where Lois in a coat and a hat and carrying suitcases came in.

"Excuse me, Lord Griffins. Your family is moving back to Quahog." Lois informed Frank Jr and Peter before leaving, "If you get tired of being a snob, look us up. Time to go, boys."

"The Lord Griffins are dead, Mrs. Griffin." Frank then told Lois.

"He's right." Peter said to Lois, "It's just me, Peter the towel boy."

"Peter, you're back!" Lois exclaimed as she dropped her back in joy and went over to him, "Oh! Let's go home!"

"We can't. Grandpa sold our home." Frank Jr reminded Lois, "Our beautiful home with the stolen cable..."

"Yeah." John agreed, "And the video games right beside the TV."

"... And the little man with the penis for a light switch." Peter then reminisced.

"Even though I'm still never going near it." Tyler remarked.

"So, we'll find another place." Lois insisted.

"Eh, your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at us while she's BURNING IN HELL-may she rest in peace." Frank Jr then stated, "She was right. Everyone was right. Grandpa no good enough for ya."

"Mr. Griffin, that's just what they say." Tyler assured Peter, "Do YOU think you're good enough?"

"Not to be with my wife, I don't." Peter stated as he then left the room hanging his head in shame.

"Peter." Lois called out to Peter and went after him, leaving Frank Jr, Frank, John and Tyler by themselves."

"Aw, man, this stinks." Frank Jr sulked, "There's gotta be at least some way to pay Mr. Griffin's debt to that place."

"But how?" Tyler asked.

"Hang on, alright? I'm thinking, I'm thinking." John responded as he leaned on the right side of the fireplace to think of a solution.

Meanwhile, Lois caught up with Peter in the hall.

"Peter, wait." Lois said to Peter, "I don't care what anyone else thinks. Tyler was right. All that matters is that I love you."

"I love you, too, Lois." Peter reinstated that as soon as he and Lois shared a kiss, it cut back to Frank Jr, Frank, John and Tyler in the room, where Frank Jr accidentally discovers a secret switch while he was still leaning on where he was. It then opened a secret compartment behind a nearby painting of Lois' Aunt Marguerite and revealed a box covered in dust. John picked up the box and looked inside. What he found was just what he was looking for.

"Dad, I think I've just found the answer to our problem!" Frank Jr then informed Frank about his discovery.

The next morning, Frank Jr and Tyler went over to the Newport Historical Society and showed them their latest discovery.

"Our mansion is historical, alright." Frank Jr said to the society, "Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse!"

"There's Lincoln." Tyler explained as Frank Jr flipped photos, "Grant." Another photo flipped, "They even let Robert E. Lee in once."

"Those are fake!" Mr. Brandywine scoffed as he tried to snatch the photos, but Frank Jr and Tyler kept pushing him away.

"Oh, they're real, alright." John restated.

"And, uh, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever." Tyler then informed Mr. Brandywine.

It then cut to the Griffins back in their old house watching _The Cosby Show_. It then showed Cosby with his son.

"So, you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street." Cosby said to Theo, "You see, and Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this." He then made a weird face as the laugh track played in the background.

"Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem." Theo said to his father, "I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?"

"And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face." Cosby then said as he was clearly not listening to his son and made another weird face. He continued doing this and shaking his head until it literally popped off, freaking Theo out.

"Oh, God!" Theo panicked as he was now standing on the couch, "Oh, oh, my God!"

Cuts back to the family on the couch.

"Hey, boys. I just can't thank you enough for what you did for me back at Newport." Peter said to Frank Jr, John and Tyler about what happened back at Newport, "I really appreciate it."

"No problem, Mr. G." John said to Peter.

"Yeah, it was nothing." Tyler then said.

"But, I'm still wondering how you managed to even get our house back." Peter then told the boys.

"Simple." Frank Jr responded, "We just offered the people we sold Cherrywood to quadruple what they paid."

"We were gonna go more." Tyler then stated, "But then we thought, 'Na, that just seemed selfish'."

"What?" Lois exclaimed, "How could you two afford that?"

"We kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of our own." Frank Jr told Lois as he held up an issue of the _National Inquirer_ that had the aforementioned photo on the cover.

"Well, thanks to old honest Abe, we have our house back, Frank Jr going to college and John and Tyler helped me learn a valuable lesson; it doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you."

"That's right, because all that matters that's important is that I love you." Lois assumably finished Peter's statement.

"No, because our ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores. Hehehehehe." Frank Jr corrected Lois rubbing his nose in her ancestors' faces before turning to John and Tyler, "Right, guys?"

"Uh, sure, why not?" John assured Frank Jr unsure of the moment.

"Whatever floats your boat?" Tyler followed.

The all five (Peter Frank, Frank Jr, John and Tyler) gave a thumbs up at the audience before the credits.

(A/N: I was originally going to even add ending credits to each episode this season, but then I felt that was a little too much. What do you guys think about that? Let me know in your review. Anyway, I hope the second season premiere of Family Guy MC will be a blast. See ya.)

**The End**


	10. Mallque Murdock Spellbook Power Hour

**Mallque Murdock Spellbook Power Hour**

**This chapter is a crossover between my story and ****Malcolm Fox's stories ****_Meg's Boyfriend/Meg's Family,_** **Ander Arias stories****_The Spellbook_** **Disclaimer: I don't own Madeline nor Zack Murdock. Malcolm Fox does.** **Matt Kennedy and Rosie are both owned by Ander Arias. Duncan and Sid are owned by Snake Screamer and Haylias gets some credit for a little surprise if you read the whole story. And now onto the story.) Also, I don't know if you are reading this, but thanks a lot to Mr. Semaj for the drawing of Meg and Rosie(you can see it in my profile) Well, let's go to the story)**

Realizing Frank is unprepared for his science project, Frank Jr wishes he was in the greatest lab in Dimmsdale, but he ends up in stewie's lab, and he can't just use stewie's lab because he'll suspect that Frank Jr used his technology.

Taking with him a magical Auto-Poofer that his father gave him, that poofs him back to his bedroom, he wishes himself to the greatest lab in the universe. Frank Jr went to his parents room to ask his father to find such a lab, Frank Jr enter the room to find nobody inside. But found a letter addressing to his father from his grandfather. Frank Jr open it read it, it said

_Dear frank _

_If you are read this, this means I'm dead or missing. I prepare a room of stuff for the things you and your brothers face in life in quahog. To find this room you must enter your future girlfriend room enter the closet, find the hand scanner, enter the elevator and find what need for what problem your are in._

_From your dad _

_Jake geo mallque_

Frank Jr did what the letter said and went to look around to find what he need. Frank Jr was surprise to see his father looking at the hall of heroes. Frank Jr ask him what he was doing here, frank reply" I was just try to remember my past life, he did a lot of good things to the world and sacrifice a lot things like his family and friend to keep the world going, I just wonder what I'll do for the in his place."

Frank Jr didn't answer him.

'Hello? Earth to Frank Jr?' Frank said, waving her hand in front of Frank Jr's face. 'The Hell's wrong with you?'

'What's that thing?' Frank Jr asked, pointing at a machine at the far side of the room. It was a huge metal circle with a large, blue, rippling hole in the middle.

'That's nothing,' said Frank. 'Don't touch it. Don't go near it. It's mine.'

'It's a Stargate - ' said Frank Jr before Frank slapped his hand over Frank Jr's mouth.

'Shut up!' he said. 'Do you wanna be trampled by nerds? 'Cause I sure don't!'

'Did somebody say a Stargate?' asked Neil Goldman as he poked his head through the window.

'Ooh, I heard Stargate!' said Steve Smith as he popped up over Neil's shoulder.

'Uh . . . Hey, look!' said Frank, pointing over their heads. 'Jean-Luc Picard and Han Solo fighting to the death!'

'Yeah, I gotta see this!' said Steve.

'Go, Picard!' said Neil as he and Steve turned around. Cindy then quickly closed the window, causing them to fall off the ledge and probably to a painful demise.

'Anyway, this, you see, it's an **Omniverse gate**,' said Frank. 'Or **Omni gate** for short . . . wait a minute. Eh, too late to back out now.'

'What does it do?' Frank Jr asked.

'Transports you to alternate dimensions,' said Frank. 'It's basically a less practical version of a you know what.'

'Does it work?'

'Haven't tested it yet,' Frank replied.

' . . .' A wicked grin appeared on Frank Jr's face.

'I know that look,' said Frank sternly. 'What are you planning?'

'Oh, nothing,' said Frank Jr innocently. 'Nothing at -'

He then jumped forwards and slammed his hand on the big red button at the front of the machine, activating it.

'You idiot!' Frank yelled as she ran forward. 'I told you it hasn't been tested yet - it could blow up and kill us both!'

'Relax!' said Frank Jr. 'It'll be fine!'

The machine then began to rattle loudly, causing the whole room to vibrate. It then began to shoot sparks and bolts of electricity in all directions.

'Then again, maybe not,' said Frank Jr.

'It's malfunctioning; RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!' yelled Frank

'NO TIME!' yelled Frank Jr as the machine began to suck in everything in the room. She and Cindy hung onto the floor for dear life.

'I - CAN'T - HOLD - ON!' Frank yelled as her grip began to slip. 'ALSO - I - CAN'T - STOP - PAUSING - AFTER - EVERY - WORD!'

'GRAB MY HAND!' Frank Jr said as he tried to grab Frank by the wrist. However, at that moment, Frank lost his grip and was sucked into the portal.

'THISCAN'TBEHAPPENDING!' Frank screamed as he was sucked in.

'DAD!' Frank Jr screamed as he, too, was sucked into the portal. As soon as that happened, the machine powered down, and all was quiet again.

Meanwhile, in the portal, Frank and Frank Jr hung onto each other tightly as they shot through the wormhole at lightning speed.

'OH MY GOD!' Frank yelled. 'This is even trippier than brownies!'

Frank Jr frowned at him.

'Seriously,' said Frank. 'I once saw some fan art of Derry Hooves banging a Decepticon.'

'What universe do you think we're being transported to?' Frank Jr asked.

'I don't know,' said Frank. 'The real question is; how are we gonna get back to our universe?'

It was a nice and warm Friday afternoon in Quahog. Brian was in the living room reading a book, when he was approached by Stewie and Maddie.

"Hey, Brian, do you want to play with us?" asked Maddie.

"No, sorry, maybe later" said the dog, engrossed in the book.

"Oh, come on, what's more important than making two toddlers happy?" Said Stewie before taking away the book Brian was reading, and looked at it. "_All about Parallel Universes?_ I though you didn't like this kind of stuff".

"Well, you were wrong" said Brian as he took back his book. "And, for your information it's pretty interesting" commented the dog.

"And why are you so interested in Parallel Universes?" asked Stewie. "Do you want to check that Obama won in every other world too?"

"I read on the internet about that" said Maddie, "Some guy says that there are other universes where people is the opposite from people from this one"

"So, there's another Brian out there who is Republican, fundamentalist and…" said Stewie.

"Hey, don't joke with that!" complained the dog.

"I wonder if other universes exist?" asked Maddie.

"Why are you asking me this?" asked Stewie, "It's not like I have a dimensional portal in my room aptly named the Sundoor that can access different dimensions including parallel universes."

"...Wait, that's it!" said Maddie, "We can use it as a window to look at other universes."

"We'll need to repair it, though," said Stewie, "It's still slightly damaged from the last time I used it."

"Okay, what did you do?" asked Maddie.

**Flashback**

Stewie has his Sundoor ready to access another universe.

"Excellent," said Stewie as he was setting the coordinates to his Sundoor, "I'll summon a Stewie from another universe and with twice the brain power we'll be able to rule the world easily!"

A bright flash fills the room as another Stewie appears. To distinguish the two, the other Stewie is wearing blue overalls.

"What the deuce happened?" asked the other Stewie, "Where am I?"

"I brought you here to help me," said Stewie, "Together we'll be an unstoppable force."

"Oh excellent," said the other Stewie with joy, "With our combined genius we'll be able to finally end wars, spread world peace, stop famine and make the world a blissful utopia of joy and happiness. Oh, I've got Goosebumps just thinking of all the love we can spread."

Stewie then pulls out a gun, shoots good Stewie dead, and smashes the Sundoor out of sheer terror.

**End Flashback**

"Trust me, it's better you don't know," said Stewie, "Anyway, I'm gonna try on my new blue overalls."

Later, Tilly is up in Stewie's room with Maddie, Stewie, and CJ repairing the Sundoor.

"There! It should be as good as new," said Tilly as she tightened the last screw.

"Can you believe it?" asked Maddie, "In just a few moments we'll be looking into another universe! Can you imagine the things we'll see?"

"Parallel universes aren't that big a deal," said Stewie, "It's pretty much the equivalent of buying a Blu Ray player; it's the same as the DVD player only prettier."

"Well, here's hoping to see a brave new world," said Tilly as she pushed the start button. After moments of silence, nothing happens.

"Well that was boring," said Maddie.

"I'll say," said Stewie, "If I wanted to waste my time in a bad way I'd watch the fatman strip to _Hit Me Baby One More Time_."

**Flashba-**

"Oh no you don't!" said Tilly interrupting the flashback, "That image was already burned into my retinas for weeks. I'm not letting it happen again!"

"I'll bet the Sundoor's not working because it needs a jump start," said CJ, "Now what's the most useless object to bang against it?"

"Your head," said Tilly.

"Good idea!" said CJ as he was preparing to ram the machine like a bull.

"CJ, NO! I was just kid-" shouted Tilly, but CJ slammed his head into the Sundoor, causing the machine to malfunction. Everyone began to hang on for dear life as the portal then began to suck everything in the room.

"What's happening?" asked Maddie.

"Dumbass over here must've overrode the configurations!" shouted Stewie.

"Yeah! Good one, dumbass!" said CJ to Tilly.

"HE WAS TALKING ABOUT _YOU_, DUMBASS!" shouted Tilly.

At that moment, the adults rush into the room from hearing all the commotion, and were almost sucked into the portal if they had not held onto something.

"What happened!" shouted Lois.

"Dimensional portal going haywire and the possibility of us all being sucked into oblivion," said Tilly nonchalantly, "All in all, no biggie."

Suddenly a bunch of toys fly out of the portal and hit Zack in the head.

"Ow, ow, ow!" said Zack, "Geez, even dimensional portals are out to get me!"

"Maddie, grab my hand!" shouted Meg.

As Maddie tried to reach out from Meg's hand, a toy flies out of the portal and hits her in the face, sending her next to vortex.

"Maddie!" screamed Meg and Zack in unison.

Meanwhile beside the vortex, Maddie see through a tunnel of light. Speeding forward her was a boy with black haired in blue long sleeves shirt and light blue shorts.

"Who was that guy?" asked Maddie.

Back outside the portal, Meg was going hysterical over what just happened.

"Maddie? Where are you?" asked Meg.

"Didn't you just see?" asked Jillian, "She flew into a port hole. Duh!"

"Now calm down," said Zack, "I'm sure we can fix this."

"I say we wait until this all blows over," said Peter.

"Peter, Maddie was just sucked into a portal!" said Brian, "She could be in real danger! You can't possibly expect this all to blow-"

At that very moment, girl and little boy falls from the closing portal. The boy look like Cody but with a different hair style in blue long sleeves shirt and light blue shorts

"Maddie, Cody?' asked Meg in confusion.

"Apparently there trip was not very kind to them," said Peter, "She traveled so fast that her head bleeded!" everyone then stares at him, "What?"

The girl then groans and stands up.

"Mom...?" she groaned.

"Maddie?" asked Meg in confusion again.

Zack then quickly picks up the girl closely to his face and smiles.

"Hey, you're okay! We were so worried!" said Zack.

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" the boy screamed as he squirmed from Zack's grip.

"Cody, what's wrong with you?" asked Meg, "It's only your dad."

"That guy's not my dad!" said the boy with fear, "And who's Maddie, who is this guy?"

"Interesting..." said Tilly as she walked up to the infant, "he sorta looks like cody, but this _definitely_ isn't cody."

"How can you tell?" asked Lois.

"Well for one thing, he appears to be much older," said Tilly, "he looks to be barely five year old. Second, I can sense an aura of some sort."

"Well if you're not Cody, maybe you can explain to us who you are," said Meg.

"Well, my name is Frank G Mallque Jr," said Frank Jr, "I was just sitting in my secret room when I was sucked into a portal and got stuck here. I recognize all of you except for that man and those babies. Who are you guys, anyway?"

"I'm Tilly and this is my twin brother CJ," said Tilly.

"We're Jillian's kids," said CJ.

"Wow, so Brian and Jillian tied the knot?" asked Frank Jr.

"No, they broke up," said Tilly, "We're Chris' kids."

"Come again?" asked Frank Jr in confusion.

"It's a long story that involves two idiots trapped in an avalanche and doing something extremely desperate to save their lives," said Tilly, "That's how she had us."

"No it's not!" said Jillian, "Your father and I had sex... Oh, that's what you meant."

"...Okay..." said Frank Jr uncomfortably, "And who's this guy?"

"This is my husband, Zack," said Meg.

"ZACK?!" asked Frank Jr in confusion, "What happened to my dad, Frank?"

"Wait, you're saying that Meg and I aren't married in your universe?" asked Zack in shock.

"No, she's married to my dad named Frank G Mallque," said Frank Jr, "Have you heard of him?"

"I'm googling it up on my cell phone right now," said Tilly.

"Wait, you can actually just access personal info like that on the internet where anyone can see it?" asked Rosie.

"It's the internet," said Stewie, "Stop being so surprised."

"Okay, here's some info," said Tilly, "Apparently he die in japan."

"So dad didn't move which means that he never met mom," said Frank Jr, "And because he never met mom, mom met this guy instead, and because she met this guy they had a baby which means that I cannot and will not be born in this universe, EVER!"

"Just calm down, Frank Jr," said Lois.

"Yeah, we'll get you back home," said Meg, "I promise."

"I'm sure of it," said Tilly, "All we have to do is set up the Sundoor and-" the Sundoor then blows up, "-pick up the pieces and repair it again... goddammit."

"So I'm stuck here?" asked Frank Jr in horror, "But what about MY mom and my dad and my family."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'll let you call me mom," said Meg.

"And I'll let you call me grandma," said Lois.

"And I'll let you call me Uncle Chris," said Chris.

"And I'll let you call me... James Bond!" said Peter as everyone stared at him again, "Well she CAN!"

"Thanks, but it's not the same," sniffled Frank Jr.

"...Oh my gosh!" said Jillian, "Cody looks different!"

"You think that's bad?" asked Zack, "Wait until she figures out that Obama's a black guy. I estimate it'll be by 2017."

"I just wanna go home," cried Frank Jr.

"Don't cry. It'll only be for a little while," said Frank as he knelt down and wiped her tears away, "C'mon, cheer up! It could've been worse."

"Yeah, you could've ended up in the dimension of gay pedophiles," said Peter.

**Cutaway**

Meanwhile in a city in another universe, a bunch of people who looked just like Herbert are all walking down the streets when a boy on his bicycle rides by?

"Mmmmmmmmmm..." they all said in unison.

**End Cutaway**

**Spellbook reality starts now**

It was a nice and warm Friday afternoon in Quahog. Brian was in the living room reading a book, when he was approached by Stewie and Rosie.

"Hey, Brian, do you want to play with us?" asked Rosie.

"No, sorry, maybe later" said the dog, engrossed in the book.

"Oh, come on, what's more important than making two toddlers happy?" Said Stewie before taking away the book Brian was reading, and looked at it. "_All about Parallel Universes_? I though you didn't like this kind of stuff".

"Well, you were wrong" said Brian as he took back his book. "And, for your information it's pretty interesting" commented the dog.

"And why are you so interested in Parallel Universes?" asked Stewie. "Do you want to check that Obama won in every other world too?"

"I read on the internet about that" said Rosie. "Some guy says that there are other universes where people is the opposite from people from this one"

"So, there's another Brian out there who is Republican, fundamentalist and…" said Stewie.

"Hey, don't joke with that!" complained the dog.

"Hey, look at the bright side" said Stewie "That Brian would be married with Lois and would be a famous novelist. I'm sure that you won't mind to be that Brian right now, will you?" teased Stewie.

Brian looked each time more pissed.

"Come on Stewie. It seems that Brian doesn't want to play with us" said Rosie, disappointed. Both babies left the living room. Moments later, Peter walks in.

"Hey, Brian, whatcha doing'?" asked Peter as he sat next to him in the couch.

"Reading a book" replied Brian. "And I'd like to have some peace while I read"

"Oh, I see" said Peter, who apparently got the point of Brian's dry statement. The he stared blankly for some seconds. "Hey Brian, whatcha doing'?"

Brian placed his paw on his forehead, and groaned in annoyance, and then he left the room. He then went to the kitchen. He saw Lois cooking something, Meg typing in her laptop, and Matt helping Chris with his homework.

"It's okay if I read here?" asked Brian.

"Sure, as long as nobody of us bothers you" said Lois.

"Don't worry. Only Peter and the babies do. God, they're more annoying that people who gets too excited in the cinema"

**Flashback**

Brian and Jillian are having a date watching an action movie in the local cinema. The main character uses a rocket launcher to blow up a helicopter.

"OH YEAHH! THAT WAS TOTALLY…TOTAL!" said a guy sat next to them. It was that annoying guy who drove a Hummer while watching 'Madagascar'.

"Shhhhhhh!" said Brian.

Minutes later, another character, holding a machine gun kills lots of bad guys.

"YEAH, THAT WOULD TEACH THOSE BITCHES A LESSON!" shouted again the same guy.

"Shut up please!" said Brian, really pissed.

After another action scene, the same guy began to shout again.

"YEESS! THAT REALLY ROCKED!" said the guy.

"Okay, that was the last strand…" muttered the dog. "Okay, you idiot, you better shut up or else…!"

"Or else what?" said the annoying guy.

"Jillian, can you stand up?" asked the dog.

"Sure" said the blonde girl as she stood up. Brian then pulled up his shirt and removed her bra. The guy then stared blankly at Jillian's naked mid-up section, had a nosebleed, and fainted.

"Finally, at least some peace" said the dog, as he sat down and Jillian dressed again.

Another action scene.

"YES! YES! BRING IT OOOOON!" shouted Joe.

**End Flashback**

"Don't be so harsh on them" said Meg. "Dad can be a jerk sometimes…no, a lot of times…no, most of the times…well, you know what's my point. But Stewie and Rosie are only babies, and babies usually demands lots of attention"

"Meg's right" said Lois. "Besides, I'm sure that they only wanted to play a harmless game"

Meanwhile, in Stewie's room, Stewie and Rosie are playing. Rosie is levitating some plates with her powers and threw them thought the window, and then Stewie blows them up with his ray gun.

"Hey, do you think that was real?" asked Stewie.

"What was real?" said Rosie, confused.

"That crap about parallel universes Snoopy was reading" explained Stewie. "I mean, do you think there are other universes aside from this one?"

"I dunno, but who knows?" said Rosie as she shrugged her shoulders. "I guess that mom didn't believe in magical babies before I was born"

"About what you said before, could you imagine that?" asked Stewie. "Brian being conservative."

"Bah, it will be the same dog with a different collar" said Rosie disdainfully. "What it would be weird would be grandpa and Uncle Chris being intelligent"

"Yes, and Lois would be a prudish woman afraid of sex!" added Stewie. "And your mom would be beautiful and popular!"

"Yes! And- HEY!" complained Rosie.

"What? I'm only being honest" said Stewie. "But I can understand why you're pissed since you look a lot like her."

"Yes" said Rosie. "Now that it comes to my mind, have you realized that, in a cartoon or an anime, when a character grows up and has kids, the kids are like a younger version of a mixture of their parents?"

"Yes, that's what I was pointing" said Stewie. "So, if I have children, they'd look like me"

"Then I'm sorry for them" said Rosie.

"Um, why did you say that?" asked Stewie.

"Never mind" said Rosie. "Hey, I though in a new game we can play! its called-wait" said Rosie, as she began to look around.

"It's called 'wait', okay, how we can play it?" asked Stewie nonchalantly.

"No! There's…there's something odd here…" said Rosie. "Now I can feel it! There's a powerful energy current in this room!"

"What?" said Stewie, confused?

But the answer came quickly, when a dimensional portal appeared in the middle of the room.

"What the deuce is that!?" asked Stewie, shocked.

"That's what I tried to say!" said Rosie.

"Did you do it?" asked Stewie, looking at Rosie.

"No. It appeared by itself" said Rosie. "It looks like…a dimensional gate"

"A real dimensional gate…in my own room! Cool!" said Stewie, amazed. "I wonder what would be at the other side…"

"Stewie, you should keep a distance from that" said Rosie, worried.

"And you should shut the hell up!" said Stewie.

Suddenly, the vortex began to suck up everything in Stewie's room, just like a black hole. Stewie and Rosie grabbed Stewie's crib, which was heavy enough to not being sucked.

"THAT'S why I told you not to come close to that thing!" said Rosie.

"Can you stop from bitching and do something about this?!" said Stewie. "Use your powers! Teleport us to a safe place!"

Rosie's eyes lit, but their glow quickly banished.

"What the hell are you waiting for? Chinese new year?" said Stewie, pissed.

"I can't concentrate!" said Rosie.

In that moment, Lois and Meg walked in the room.

"Why are you making so much noise?" asked Lois before seeing the vortex. "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah, this chapter started with Brian reading a book about parallel universes, and a dimensional gate appeared in my room" said Stewie nonchalantly, ingoring for a moment his situation. "It isn't strangely convenient?"

"What the hell is that!?" asked Meg in shock. "Rosie, what did you do?"

"Why everybody thinks that I did this only because I have magic powers?" asked Rosie, pissed.

But Rosie and Stewie's hands couldn't hold them any longer, and came off of the crib, but Lois and Meg were quick enough to grab them.

"Stewie, hold on! Mommy is here!" said Lois.

"Big deal" said Stewie sarcastically.

"Rosie, hold tight!" said Meg.

"Mom, don't let me go!" Begged Rosie, almost crying.

"Peter! Brian! Matt! Chris!" called Lois.

The rest of the family ran to Stewie's room, and watched what was happening.

"What the hell is happening here?" asked Peter. "Meg, what did your freaking daughter do this time?"

"I did nothing!" said Rosie, really pissed. "And what do you mean by _this time_?"

"Help us, please!" shouted Meg.

Peter and Matt grabbed Lois and Meg respectively, trying to hold them as hard as they could. Brian and Chris also helped too.

"Matt, don't let us go!" begged Meg.

"Just hold tight and don't let our daughter go!" said Matt. "Peter, let's try to get out of this room!"

Peter and Matt began to pull their wives, but, when they were almost out of danger, Rosie's hands slipped and was dragged to the vortex, but something caught her before entering another dimension.

"ROSIE!" shouted Matt and Meg in unison.

The vortex then collapsed in a huge flash or light that filled the whole room, knocking everyone backwards.

"God, I'm growing tired of these knock backing bright flashes of light!" complained Peter.

"What happened to Rosie?" cried Meg, still temporary blind, as she desperately looked around.

"I think I see her!" said Lois, whose eyesight was recovering from the flash.

Everybody then walked to Rosie, but there was something was with her. The boy lying unconscious looked a lot like Zack, except that his hair was black instead of yellow, and was styled in the Simon garlock layered style. Also, he was wearing a black hooding instead of zack's usual clothes.

"Oh my god, it finally happened!" said Peter in shock. "Zack became so powerful that he turned into a regular Saiyan!" Everybody then stared at Peter blankly. "What?" said Peter?

"Uhhhh…" groaned the boy as he stood up.

"Look, he's awaking!" pointed Brian.

The boy stood up and looked at Meg.

"Meg…?" asked the boy.

"Rosie?" asked Meg again.

"Rosie? Who is Rosie?" said the boy. "It's me, Frank! Meg, don't you recognize me?"

"Recognize you? I've never seen you in my whole life!" said Meg. "And what happened to my daughter here?"

"Your daughter! Why everybody suddenly forget about me!?" said Frank, almost hysteric. "Wait…oh, crap, the **Omni gate**!" said Maddie.

"Omni** gate**?" asked Stewie.

"Yes, it was a portal to other universes, just like the Stargate, but with a different name for not attracting nerds" explained Frank.

"I guess that we should go to another place to talk about this" suggested Brian,

Moments later, everybody is in the living room, hearing Frank's story.

"Me and Frank jr used** Omni gate** the order to explore other universes, but when they activated it, something went wrong and I was sucked to another dimension…well, this one." said Frank. "And it seems that I don't exist in this world" said Frank sadly.

"So, in your universe, your son can talk, is a genius baby?" asked Lois, amazed.

"Yeah, what a shock!" said Stewie, faking surprise

"So, I guess that Frank must be in another universe" said Matt.

"Poor baby" said Lois. "This is even worse than that time Peter tried to suicide"

**Flashback**

We go back to the episode 'Petarded', after Peter finds that he is retarded, but before realizing of its advantages. He is sad and miserable because everybody picks on him.

Lois enters in the house with some bags.

"Peter, I'm here" announced Lois, but nobody answered. Then he noticed a note on the couch. She read it.

_Dear Lois, I'm tired of being retarded and people mocking at me for that, so I'm going to end it all. Tell Brian and the kids(except Meg) that I love them…well, tell Meg that I love her too, but don't tell anybody else that I said that. Now that it comes to my mind, don't tell Brian that I love him, people may think that I'm gay…okay, tell Brian too, but tell him that I love him as a friend. But if he has sex with you while I'm dead, I shall return as a zombie and kill both! Oh, I also forgot to say that I loved you too. Bye._

"Oh my God! Peter!" shouted Lois as she rushed to the basement. There was Peter, who has hanged himself to the ceiling…but he just hanged by an ankle instead of the neck.

"Lois…I think that I did something wrong, didn't I?" asked Peter.

**End Flashback**

Frank then noticed Matt.

"Um…who are you?" asked Frank to Matt. He was the only one she didn't recognize.

"This is Matthew, my husband" said Meg.

"That guy is your husband? So, you are not married with me?" asked Frank in shock. "Cripes, no wonder why I don't exist!"

"Meg is not married to Matt in your universe?" asked Brian.

"My god!" said Peter in shock. "Are you saying that there is another guy out there besides Matt that loves Meg and finds her attractive!?"

"Meg! How could you!" said Matt angrily. "You married another guy _and_ had a daughter with him!

"Hey, it wasn't me!" replied Meg in the same tone. "Well, technically it was, but you know what I'm trying to say"

"Another question" said Brian. "Who's that john and Tyler you talked about before?"

"They're my friends, they appeared before the welfare scam" said Maddie. "And I guess that they doesn't exist either"

"The?" asked Lois.

"First?" asked Meg.

"Season?" asked Brian.

"Tom Cruise?" asked Peter, and everybody stared at him like he's crazy. "What?"

"I guess that some things remain the same even in other universes" said Frank dryly.

"Hey Frank, do you have any kind of supernatural abilities like levitating objects?" asked Peter.

"Eh, yeah" said Frank, a bit confused.

"Can you read minds?" asked again peter.

"yeb"

"Teleport?"

"Aha"

"Do you have any magic powers?"

"Maybe. Why should I have magic powers?" asked Frank a bit confused. "Geez, you're even more idiot than my universes' pops".

"Pff, Meg, your new husband is boring" said Peter disdainfully. "I preferred the old one"

"Peter!" said Lois. "Don't say such a mean thing"

"People, there's something we're forgetting about…" said Rosie. "How the hell is Frank going to get back to his world?"

"Yes, and how are we going to get back Frank?" asked Matt.

"I'll see if the spellbook has something about dimensional gates" said Meg.

"Hey, you guys have a spellbook?" asked Frank, amazed.

"Meanwhile we are finding a way to bring back Frank jr to our world and send back him and Super Saiyan Frank to her world, what are we going to do with him?" asked Peter.

"I'll guess that we should take care of him" said Meg. "I hope that the Griffins in the other side of the gate do the same with Frank jr. God, I'm so worried"

"Me too" said Matt. "But we must be strong"

Moments later, Meg and Maddie took Frank to his room.

"So, how is your world?" asked Meg.

"It's pretty the same as this, honey…sorry, I mean Meg" apologized Frank.

"You can call me meg, if that makes you to feel better" smiled Meg.

"Well, it just that you look a lot like her…I bet that you even share the same DNA…but you're not her. And the worst thing it's that nobody knows me!"

"Don't worry Frank "said Rosie, as she stroked his long black hair. "I'll try my best to make you to feel like in your house"

"Thanks… Rosie "smiled Frank sheepishly.

"Did somebody tell you that you have a beautiful hair?" praised Rosie.

"Thanks. I took it from my father and my son take after me" said Frank

"Speaking of whom, how is your son?" asked Meg

"Frank Jr is the best son in the world!" said Frank proudly. "He's small, with short spike black hair, and very handsome"

"Really?" asked Meg, interested. "Tell me more!"

"Well…he was smart boy, but when I was born he opened his heart to everyone even you, and after pops sold the house to be rich, he began to work at getting it back" said Frank. "Oh, and he's always fighting with stewie and Brian, because of his constant stupid stuff and the way they treats you"

"How did we meet each other?"

**I was five years old and I had no friends**

**Flashback's starts**

We see a very shy child Frank (he wears the same current clothes, but he had shorts instead of pants and a regular t-shirt) behind a tree until somebody appeared from the tree: it was a little girl; but her hair is a neat, she has Big Glass and a tooth showing out from her mouth (A/E: She's basically based on Ellie from Up); she's wearing a pink and blue shirt, denim overalls and black shoes.

"HI!" the little girl greeted with a sweet accent.

"AH!" kid Frank screamed.

"Hey, don't be shy, I don't bite" the little girl said "I'm meg, and you?"

"Frank Mallque" kid Frank answered.

"Nice to meet you, Frank "kid Meg replied "So, is this your first day of school?"

"Uh..."

"Pretty hard, isn't it?" Kid Meg asked "Well, don't worry, I'll be your first friend"

"So...what were you doing in that tree?" kid Frank asked.

"You mean my Fun Tree" kid Meg answered.

"Fun tree?" kid Frank asked.

"The tree where I can play during recess and after school" Kid meg explained "I'm an adventurer!"

"An adventurer?" Kid Frank asked.

"Someone who loves adventures" Kid Meg answered as she climbed the tree "Come up!"

She threw a rope down to Frank and he climbed up.

"So...what's the deal?" kid Meg answered showing a cocoon "I've been waiting the whole summer for this..."

The cocoon began breaking up and a butterfly has arisen.

"Wow...is that?" kid Frank asked.

"One of the most amazing discoveries we ever did!" kid Meg answered cheerful.

"Wait...did you say 'we'?" kid Frank asked.

"You're now part of the 'Super Adventure Club'!" kid Meg cheered "Now repeat this after me: "'The fun and joy will never stop, until one of us gives them up"

"The fun and joy will never stop, until one of us gives them up" Frank

"Excellent, we're goanna be the best friends ever!" Meg said.

**Flashback's end**

"It was all fun..."We had a lot adventures together...until I have to move out with my family"

"Why did I leave then?"

Because my dad was being hunted by a mysteries organization, I and my brother had to move in japan with adoptive parents, son goku and son chichi. But I couldn't stop thinking about Meg while I was doing school in japan. So I made a promise that I would tell Meg how I feel about her.

After a few years I return to quahog to find Meg Griffin and end up getting her and getting her pregnant. Now I have a family that _dysfunctional that I have to fix and tolerate_

"Grandpa ditched meg in east Quahog. Then you went to a 7-11 to look for help, and dad offered to ride you home" said Rosie. "It happened after a punch buggy game"

"Yeah, I remember that" said Meg. "But in this world happened this way…"

**Flashback**

We go to the first chapter of 'Meg's Boyfriend', but in this universe. It happened after Meg got the spellbook, but before marrying Matt.

"Hey, I've got a game we can play," said Peter, "Whenever we see a buggie on the road, we hit Meg!"

"What?!" shouts Meg, "Don't I get a say in this."

"No," Peter simply says.

"Punch buggy green," says Chris after seeing a green buggie and hitting Meg.

"OW!"

"Punch buggy blue!" shouts Stewie and he hits Meg.

"OWWW!"

"Punch buggy yellow!" shouts Peter as he punches Meg on the head... HARD.

"OOOOOOOWWWW! STOP IT!"

"HAHAHA! Listen to her whine!" said Peter as he was amused with his sick game.

"Peter, this isn't funny!" said Lois.

"Sure it is!" said Peter, "Just like the time I pushed Meg in front of a speeding bus."

"You told me Meg was at a friend's house" said Lois.

"Well you should have known that was a lie when I said 'Meg' and 'friend' in the same sentence without saying 'she doesn't have any'" said Peter.

Meg sees a red buggie and decides that now was her chance.

"Punch buggy red" she says as she hits Chris, "That's one point for me!"

"Ow! Dad make her stop!" whines Chris.

"Oh that's it!" says Peter angrily, "You have gone too far Meg!"

"But I only hit him once!" says Meg.

"Out of the car!" shouts Peter.

"But-" said Meg before she was interrupted by Peter making a hole through the win shield with his fist.

"NOW!" shouts Peter.

"Do you think you can scare me with that?" said Meg in a very defiant tone. Then she snapped his fingers.

"Meg, I told you-huh?" asked Peter, but suddenly he was teleported to the street, and watched how the family station wagon speeded away. "Hey, come back!"

**End Flashback**

"You used magic to throw grandpa out from the car?" asked Frank, astonished. "How?"

"The same way I'm going to send you back to your world. With this!" said Meg as she showed the Spellbook. "With a real Spellbook!"

"Whoa!" said Frank in amazement. "It's really magical?"

"Sure, I'll show you" said Meg, and looked for a simple spell. "Look at this"

Meg then casted a spell, and summoned a very good looking cheesecake. Maddie's eyes opened wide.

"Then, you can use that to send me back to my world?" asked Frank, excited.

"Yes, but don't get your hopes up to soon" advised Meg, and she saw how Frank's cheer faded. "Opening a door to another universe is very difficult, and requires some conditions".

"Conditions? What conditions?" asked Frank, downbeat.

"I don't know, I didn't looked at it very closely, but I promise you that I'll find a way to do it" said Meg

"Thanks" said Frank. Then she saw a photo of Meg, Matt and Rosie. "Is that you guys?" asked Maddie.

Meg nodded in response.

"Why did pops say that I'm more boring than him?" asked Frank.

"Because, due to the spell book's influence, she gain magic powers" explained rosie.

"She has magic powers?" asked Frank in shock. "God, I wish I had powers…well, now that it comes to my mind, I gained some powers onetime"

"And what happened?" asked Meg.

"I went mad and tried to destroy those who were chasing me" explained Frank.

"Oh…" said Meg, a bit scared of what her so-called husband said.

"But don't worry, I've never done anything bad since that…well, except that time in the car I make pops to crazy for TV and you almost got killed…and that time I lost you for a cult…" remembered Frank.

"Well, look at what time is it. You should go to sleep now" said Meg, as she carried Rosie in arms out of her room.

"Hey, my other mom let me to go to bed two hours later!" complained Rosie.

"Nice try" said Meg as she took her to Rosie's room.

"What is this?" asked Frank. His house didn't have that room.

"This is Rosie's room" said Meg. "You can sleep here. I guess that it will be your room while you're staying with us"

"My Childs own room? Nice!" said Frank, enthusiastic with the idea.

"Don't you have your own room in your world?" asked Meg.

"No, I share my room with you" said Frank.

Meg then put Rosie in Rosie's crib and wrapped her up.

"Good night Rosie" said Meg, before kissing her in the forehead. "And don't worry about getting Frank back to his universe. I'll make it sure"

"Good night… Frank "said Rosie.

Meg then switched off the lights and exited the room. Frank lied down, trying to accommodate, but he couldn't. That wasn't his world. She then stood up and looked around the room. There were a bunch of toys spread across the floor, most of them she couldn't recognize. There was also an open fitted wardrobe with some small clothes; probably they were Rosie's clothes. Then he thought about that girl, her parallel half-daughter in some odd way. She would be sleeping in her crib right now with Frank Jr, in Stewie's room. He also though in the Sundoor. The Sundoor collapsed because some unknown fact, sending him to this world, when he doesn't exist and his wife was married to another guy, and even weirder, his wife had a magical book. Will Frank Jr find repair the Sundoor in time? He knew that, if he wanted to go back to his home, he couldn't just wait for the Sundoor to be repaired.

Tired after all the events of that day, he decided to lie down and try to sleep. Maybe tomorrow things would be better.

"_When I get back at home, I'm going to make my son his own room"_ Though Frank before falling asleep.

**Murdock universe starts now**

Later, Frank Jr is sitting in the living room sadly playing with Maddie's toys as Stewie walks up to her.

"What the deuce do you think you're doing?" asked Stewie.

"I'm playing with some toys," said Frank Jr.

"Those aren't yours, you know," said Stewie, "They're Maddie's."

"Well she's not here," said Frank Jr, "I'm sure she won't mind if I played with them while she's gone."

"Don't think for a moment that you're going to be taking her place," said Stewie.

"I'm not!" said Frank Jr, "I'm just playing with some toys!"

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Meg is sitting at the table with the others worrying about Maddie.

"I hope she's okay," said Meg.

"I'm sure she's just fine," said Lois, "I'm sure the other Griffins are taking good care of her."

"It looks like she and Stewie are arguing," said Zack.

"Maybe you should do something about it," said Meg.

"Why? He's not even my KIS!" said Zack.

"Finally! We're on the same page here," said Peter, "You know I say that all the time and-"

"You shut up!" said Zack.

"Zack, don't be so mean!" said Meg.

"Meg's right," said Lois, "That little Boy is scared and alone so we all need to make her feel as comfortable as possible."

"I guess I'll settle their little argument," said Zack as he walked into the living room.

Back in the living room, the two are still arguing.

"I'm only going to ask you one last time to hand it over," demanded Stewie.

"Make me!" said Frank Jr.

"Gimmie that," said Zack as he grabbed the toy, "Now NOBODY can play with it! Now I suggest you both behave or-"

"You're not my dad!" said Frank Jr angrily, "You can't tell me what to do!"

"Maybe not, but I'm an adult!" said Zack "You'll do what I say!"

"Give me that toy!" said Frank Jr.

"Come over here and get it, kid," teased Zack.

"I will!" said Frank Jr as his eyes glowed blue.

"Yeah I'd like- What the hell?" asked Zack as he noticed her eyes glowing. He then looks at his empty hand, "What the hell?!"

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie in amazement?

"What did you just do?" asked Zack.

"Whoa?" asked Frank Jr as she played with the toyed, "I just teleported the toy from out of your hand. I have powers."

"Guys, you're not gonna believe this..." said Zack as he walked into the kitchen.

Later in the living room, everybody doesn't believe what Zack's saying.

"I'm telling you, this kid is magical or something!" said Zack.

"Have you gone delirious?" asked Lois.

"Yeah, he's not special!" said Peter, "She's Meg's kid."

"Well, Tilly did say that she felt an aura around her," said Maddie.

"Don't tell me you actually believe him!" said Peter, "Magic doesn't exist. It's all fake just like the Moon Landing and Duke Nukem: Forever."

"You call this fake?" asked Frank Jr as his eyes glowed and made Peter's pants fall.

"Randy! Um, I mean, Frank Jr!" whined Peter.

"Oh my God, he does have powers," said Lois in shock.

"Where did you get such powers?" asked Meg.

"I was born with them, since my dad was the recantation of the world's great's hero" said Frank Jr, "You see, my dad has this power that once belonged to the dragon sage of six paths that die to save mankind from the omega juubi and the more he used it, the more magic he absorbed and I absorbed some of that magic while my mom was having me."

"I don't remember hearing about that in History class from High School," said Zack, "Except that he died along with his friends, fearing that the juubi may fall into the wrong hands."

"How could it possibly fall into the wrong hands?" asked Peter, "Especially when Meg has it safely in the house under my care where I can access it?"

"I want you to pray for your parents," said Zack to Frank Jr.

Meanwhile deep beneath the Earth in the lower depths of hell, Lucifer is boredly sitting on his throne greeting the new arrivals.

"And I trust you'll enjoy your stay here Mr... Ledger," said Lucifer.

"I don't belong here!" said Heath Ledger.

"Well according to this you committed some crimes under a persona known as the Joker," said Lucifer.

"That's just a movie!" said Heath, "its only acting. This is a terrible mistake."

"Wow, I guess you're right," said Lucifer, "...NEXT!"

A woman dressed in black who wore clothes from the middle ages approaches the prince of darkness.

"And we have another dead hooker," said Lucifer, "Enjoy your stay and yes I will require your services later."

"I am not a dead hooker, you fool!" said the woman in a french accent, "My name is Miriam. I was a witch who lived in France during the XIII Century. My sisters and I were captured and burned alive by the Inquisition."

"XIII century?" asked Lucifer in confusion, "Wait, haven't we met before? And weren't there three of you?"

"Come to think of it..." thought Miriam.

**Flashback**

Many years later during the XIII Century, Miriam, Lorraine, and Jeanne arrives in hell, all singed and burnt with burnt ropes around them.

"My, aren't you three a bunch of smoking hot ladies," joked Lucifer.

"Did you hear that, Miriam?" asked Jeanne, "He thinks we're hot!"

"Shut the hell up," said Miriam bitterly.

**End Flashback**

"I was sent back to the afterlife by those damn Griffins," said Miriam, "Apparently, my sisters returned to my realm's afterlife, but I didn't! And because the spellbook no longer exists here, I cannot return on my own."

"Anyway, why are you telling me this?" asked Lucifer.

"Because I wish to return to the land of the living and seek my revenge!" said Miriam.

"Impossible," said Lucifer, "You can't return unless a piece of your essence still remains somewhere on the earth and your spellbook was burned with you."

"Wait! My essence somehow remains in that child!" said Miriam, pointing to a window to the land of the living which showed Rosie levitating things, "But how did she get here?"

"The child?" asked Lucifer, "Maddie! Oh how I loathe that little girl. She seems different somehow."

"So do we have a deal?" asked Miriam.

"I'll let you return, and you can possess anybody you want as long as it has a free will," said Lucifer, "However, you will be bound to that body until you take back your essence and become complete. Oh, and make sure she dies a terrible death."

"_Au revoir, monsieur Diable_," said Miriam as she disappeared into a burst of flames.

"Wait a minute," said Lucifer, "Did that bitch just call me a type of cheese?"

Meanwhile outside of the Griffin home, a woman who looks exactly like Lois except for her metallic "skin" finally arrives.

"At long last!" said Corvette, "I've finally arrived at Quahog where I shall take my revenge upon that bitch Lois and take Peter all for myself!"

"Your little revenge will have to wait," said Miriam as she appeared behind her.

"Scanning life form," said Corvette, "Data not found. Identity unknown. I'm sorry, but I'll have to terminate you. I can't let you stand in my way."

"What kind of creature are you?" asked Miriam, "You don't appear human? You look fake. Are you this Paris Hilton I keep hearing about?"

"Activating pulse blasters," said Corvette as she shot out her blasters from her hands, but Miriam walks through them with ease since she's a ghost and all. She then immobilizes Corvette with her magic, "What the- I can't move!"

"Your abilities intrigue me," said Miriam, "Perhaps there is some use for you... as my new body!"

"Error! Error!" shouted Corvette as Miriam possessed her, "Get out of my body you... systems shutting down..."

"Excellent," said Miriam from Corvette's body.

Meanwhile inside the house, Frank Jr is listening to the story of how Meg and Zack met each other.

"So you told mom you loved her at the homecoming dance and danced the night away?" asked Frank Jr, "That's so cool."

"That night changed our lives forever," said Meg.

"Sorry if this makes you a little uncomfortable, seeing as how I'm not your dad and everything," said Zack.

"Can you tell me what Frank's like?" asked Maddie, "Is he just like dad?"

"Not exactly," said Frank Jr, "he does have any powers... except for when he arrive... I'd rather not talk about it."

"Wow, for people who don't have a spellbook, you guys have interesting lives and adventures," said Rosie.

"You know what else is interesting?" asked Peter, "A robot who looks like Lois breaking through a wall in an evil way but uses a lame pun to ruin the awesome moment."

At that moment, Miriam in Corvette's body breaks through the wall.

"Sorry to _crash_ this party," said Miriam.

"You were right," said Zack, "The pun _does_ ruin the moment."

"Who is that?" asked Frank Jr, "And why does she look like grandma?"

"Oh crap, it's Corvette!" said Chris.

"Who?" asked Frank Jr.

"She used to be a car, but is now an android who looks like me," said Lois, "Everybody, run!"

"Not so fast," said Miriam, "I want that child! She has something that belongs to me!"

"Wait, I sense a familiar power within her," said Frank Jr in shock, "It's the same as mine! Is she that Miriam lady you guys told me about?"

"Correct, child," said Miriam, "You have a fragment of my magic and I want it back."

"Over Meg and Zack's dead bodies!" said Peter.

"So be it," said Miriam as she was getting her pulse blasters ready and aimed at Zack and Meg.

"Thanks alot, fatass," said Meg.

"Hiya!" shouted Lois as she drop kicked Miriam, "Zack, Meg, get Rosie out of here!"

"I'm on it!" said Zack as he held her under one arm.

"Get off of me you hag!" said Miriam angrily as she used her powers to turn Lois into stone.

"Grandma!" shouted Frank Jr.

"Mom!" shouted Meg.

"Lois!" shouted Zack.

"Lois! No!" shouted Stewie, "You bitch! How could you... I WANTED TO DO THAT!"

"I always knew Lois was a little... _hard_ headed!" joked Peter as he tapped Lois's head, "Hehehehehe!"

Everyone in the room then laughs at Peter's joke.

"Yes, you might say she became _petrified_ with fear," joked Miriam as she heard nothing but crickets, "Well _I_ thought it was funny! Just for that, you will all become statues."

"Let's get outta here!" shouted Chris as they tried to run out the front door. Miriam then locks it using her powers.

"I don't wanna be turned to stone!" said Meg fearfully.

"Well look on the bright side," said Stewie, "When people see you, they'll think your grotesque appearance is actually abstract beauty just like your man."

"I'll pretend I did not hear that," said Zack angrily through his teeth.

"Hang on, guys!" said Frank Jr as her eyes glowed blue. He and the others (including the petrified Lois) then vanished into thin air.

"Curses!" shouted Miriam. The family then reappears in what appears to be a bathroom.

"That was close," said Brian, "It's a good thing you have magic powers."

"Where did you teleport us, anyway?" asked Meg.

"Beats me," said Frank Jr exhausted, "I've never teleported so many people to such a far distance. It takes up too much energy. I just wanted us to get the heck out of there."

At that moment, Connie D'amico comes out of the shower with a towel on.

"What the-? Meg?" asked Connie in horror, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS!" shouted Frank Jr as he covered his eyes.

"Get out of my house!" shouted Connie angrily.

"What's all this shouting then?" asked Eliza as she entered the room, "What the bloody 'ell are you doing here, you baby?"

"Pardon?" asked Frank Jr, "I don't think we've met before."

"Don't play dumb with me," said Eliza, "You may 'ave black hair and a new dress but I know you're still Maddie!"

"You talk funny," said Frank Jr becoming annoyed.

"What's wrong wit' the way I talk?" asked Eliza, "You're the one who talks funny with your yuppy American accent."

"Yeah, what's wrong with the brat?" asked Connie, "She looks funny."

"This is Frank Jr," said Meg, "You're not gonna believe this but he's my son from another universe."

"You're right. I don't believe that BS," mocked Connie, "Except the alternate universe part! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's a good one!" laughed Eliza.

"Zip it!" said Frank Jr as her eyes glowed.

"...?" Connie and Eliza both tried to speak but nothing comes out of their mouths.

"Frank Jr, there's a right way and a wrong to do things," said Maddie, "What you did was the right way."

"Maddie! Don't encourage him to use him powers like that," said Meg.

"But it was funny!" said Peter, "At least it wasn't as mean as what Sonic did to Amy Rose."

**Cutaway**

Sonic is walking Amy down a grassy field. She was blindfolded and was covered in blue paint.

"Sonic, where are you taking me?" asked Amy, "And why does my skin feel funny?"

"Oh, it's a surprise," said Sonic,

"Oh, I'm so excited!" said Amy with glee, "I love surprises!"

"Me too," said Sonic deviously, "HEY ROBUTTNIK! OVER HERE!"

Sonic then runs off leaving Amy alone as Robotnik/Eggman and his robots blast her to smithereens.

**End Cutaway**

"Guys, we have bigger problems," said Brian.

"Yeah, we still have a robotic witch out there that wants to make mincemeat out of us," said Stewie.

"Let me think for a minute," said Frank Jr, "What would Sid and Duncan do in a situation like this?"

**Cutaway**

"Begone, vile witch!" shouted a cloaked purple haired man.

He tried to cast a spell on the robot shelled Miriam, but the spell bounces back and hits his goblin-like partner which turns his head into a chicken's head.

"Buckaw!" shouted Sid.

"Although this backfired and doomed us, that was rather amusing," said Duncan.

"Buckaw!" shouted Sid.

"Hey, at least you'll taste good after you're dead," said Duncan.

**End Cutaway**

"Well that was pointless," said Frank Jr.

"Okay, let me think," said Meg, "Maybe we can have Frank Jr combat her."

"Meg, you can't send a baby to fight her," said Zack, "You actually expect him to win against a witch who has control of a robot who has more guns than the Venice Beach Bodybuilding contest?"

"Yeah, they have large guns alright," said Stewie.

"Why am I not surprised that you know this?" asked Brian dryly.

Connie and Eliza begin to furiously wave their arms around as they desperately try to speak.

"Okay, okay! You can have your voices back," said Frank Jr annoyed as he snapped his fingers.

"Okay, seriously," said Connie, "Why are you all still here? And who is this Miriam you keep talking about?"

"Come downstairs and we'll show you," said Brian as he led the others downstairs into Connie's living room. He then takes the remote from her parents, "I need this, thanks."

He then cuts on the TV to Diane's talk show.

**Cutaway to TV**

"Good evening and welcome to _Diane_," said Diane, "Today we will be talking to transsexuals and the men who love them. Now tell us, Mary. How has the sex change affected your love life?"

At that moment, Miriam slowly phases through the floor upwards, scaring the audience members.

"Who are you?" asked Diane confused.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen... and both," said Miriam, "I am Miriam and I have an announcement to make. Griffins, if you are watching this-"

"FRANCE SUCKS!" shouted an audience member.

"Excuse me for a moment," said Miriam as she walked offscreen, gunned him down with her arm cannon, and walked back onscreen, "Now where was I? Oh yes. Griffins if you are watching this, I'll give you 2 hours to hand over the child to me or I'll take her from you by force, destroying this city in the process. The choice is yours. Now, where's the exit?"

"D-d-downstairs," stuttered Diane fearfully.

"Too far!" shouted Miriam as she blew a hole in the wall, "God, I love this body!"

**End Cutaway**

"Okay... Now I'm scared crap less," said Connie, "Any ideas?"

"I've got a plan," said Peter.

**1 hour later...**

"...And that's my plan!" said Peter.

"Peter, you just stood there for an hour and just said 'And that's my plan'," said Brian.

"Yeah, we could've used that hour to execute a _real_ plan such as seeing if Raven knows any exorcism spells," said Zack.

"Zack, you're a genius!" said Meg happily as she hugged him, "I love you!"

"Please, stop!" said Frank Jr as he covered her eyes, "I'm still homesick, remember?"

Later at Raven's house, Raven is creating a potion.

"This should reverse the effect of the petrifying spell," said Raven.

Raven pours the potion on Lois which turns her back to normal.

"What happened?" asked Lois, "Why do I have this sudden urge to let birds sit on my head?"

"Wow, where did you learn magic?" asked Rosie in amazement.

"I own a Wiccan spellbook," said Raven, "Hopeful we can use it to fight Miriam."

"We're going to use Wicca?" asked Frank Jr, "Wicca? Wicca's for chumps!"

"Wicca is just an alternative modern witchcraft," said Raven annoyed.

"Raven, do you know any exorcising spells to separate Miriam from Corvette's body?" asked Meg.

"I do, but it'll take me an hour to prepare," said Raven, "How much time do we have left?"

"Negative 10 minutes," said Zack looking at his watch.

"Negative 10?" asked Raven, "What did you do for over an hour and 10 minutes?"

"Fatass wanted to stop at McDonald's, but couldn't decide what to order," said Meg.

"Hey, it was a life threatening decision!" said Peter.

"It was over whether or not you wanted fries with that!" said Zack.

"I didn't want to look like a fatty," said Peter.

"I suggest we send Frank Jr back to his universe," said Lois, "I don't want to put him in anymore danger."

"But you guys can't take on her alone!" said Frank Jr worriedly.

"No, but at least you'll be safe," said Zack, "I don't think I can live with myself if something were to happen to you and I know your parents couldn't either."

"You know, you may not be home, but you're a great guy, and maybe a great big brother," said Maddie.

"Now let's get you home," said Zack, "Hopefully, Tilly repaired the Sundoor by now."

Later at the Griffin home inside Stewie's room...

"I totally did not repair the Sundoor by now," said Tilly.

"Why not?" asked Meg.

"Distractions," said Tilly.

**Flashback**

Tilly is trying to repair the Sundoor when she spots CJ with some bombs strapped to him.

"Look at me! I'm an Iraqi!" said CJ.

"CJ, that's tasteless and offensive!" said Tilly as she removed the bomb, "Do you _want_ this story to get removed?"

"Why do you have to wreck my fun?" asked CJ disappointed.

"Because somebody around here has to be the adult," said Tilly, "Too bad it's not the adult."

"Hey, kids, look at my impressions!" said Jillian as she had a thick blonde mustache, "I'm that guy on TV who says Diabeetus. Diabeetus! Now I'm Jillian with a mustache who says Diabeetus. Diabeetus!"

"MOM! That's an experimental hair growth formula, not a toy!" said Tilly, "Now shave it off!"

"Fine, then," said Jillian annoyed, "Oh well. Now I finally get to shave something from the TOP half of my body!"

**End Flashback**

"Anyway, I need more time," said Tilly.

"But we're out of time!" said Lois, "Miriam could be on her way here at any minute to destroy us all!"

"What we need is a miracle," said Brian.

**Spellbook universe starts now**

In Meg's room, Matt and Meg are in the bed too, talking about Frank and Frank Jr.

"I put him next to the crib" said Meg. "Tomorrow I'll try to find a way to open a gate between our worlds"

"I wonder what Frank's son will be doing now" said Matt. "Do you think that the Griffins of their world will take care of him as we do with Frank?"

"I'm sure. Frank said that our families were pretty the same" said Meg. "Well, not exactly the same…"

"Let's not talk about that, please" said Matt. He couldn't bear the fact that her wife was married to another guy. Well, that guy would feel the same when Frank told him about his world.

"But you shouldn't worry about Frank Jr "said Meg. "Remember that he has his own powers, and well, he may drive crazy the guys of Maddie's world"

"Yes" chuckled Matt. "He can be handful some times. Remember that time we tried to bath Rosie?"

**Flashback**

Meg and Matt are chasing Rosie around the whole upper floor.

"Rosie, come here!" shouted Matt.

"You cannot avoid us forever!" said Meg.

"Wanna bet?" challenged Rosie, who was teleporting constantly, in a desperate attempt to escape from her parents, and from bathing.

"Come on Rosie, bathing it's not THAT bad!" complained Matt.

"Do you think so, huh?" said Rosie, before casting a spell. "Well, then you won't mind of bathing with me!"

Suddenly, a giant torrent burst from the bathroom, dragging Matt and Meg.

"ROSE MARY KENNEDY!" shouted Matt and Meg in unison

**End Flashback**

The very next morning, Stewie was in his room playing with his toys, when he's approached by Frank.

"Hi Stewie" said Frank cheerfully. "Do you want to play something?"

"Oh, hi new boy" said Stewie dryly. "Sorry, but I'm not in the mood to make new friends, so get lost"

"'New boy'? Why are you talking me like that?" asked Frank in disgust. "Oh, yeah, I forgot it, nobody knows who I am…" said Frank sadly, as she walked away.

Lois saw this from outside. She then went to the living room, where the rest of the family except Meg was there watching TV.

"Poor Frank" said Lois. "He feels so lonely and sad…"

"What happened?" asked Brian.

"He wanted to play with Stewie but he rejected him" explained Lois.

"How's Meg going with that dimensional gate spell?" asked Peter.

"She's still trying to find it" asked Matt. "I guess that it will take more time than we may expect"

"Meanwhile, one of us should spend some time with her, so she doesn't feel so sad and lonely" said Lois.

"Sure" said Peter.

"That's what we should do" agreed Brian.

But Matt then noticed that everybody was looking at him.

"What? Me?" asked Matt. "You can't be serious!"

"I'd tell Meg to, but she's busy with the spellbook" explained Peter. "Come on Matt, you're her closest friend in his world"

"What?" asked Matt in disbelief? "How can I be her closest friend? We're not even related! In fact, he's Griffin blood, so he's more related to you than me!"

"Hey, despite my surname, I don't have Griffin blood" said Brian quickly.

"And that's not all" said Matt. "I'm married to his wife but I'm not her husband! Can you imagine how he must feel about me?"

"But Frank is your wife's friend, so that makes YOU her closest relative aside from Meg" said Peter. "So it's YOUR responsibility to make him happy"

"Don't start again with that crap" protested Matt. "Okay, I'll do it…" said Matt as he rolled his eyes and walked away.

Matt then went upstairs and looked for Frank. He then heard some soft cries coming from Rosie's room. He slowly opened the door, and watched how Frank was lying on the floor, crying.

"Frank…?" asked Matt.

"Go away please!" sobbed Frank.

"Frank…please don't be so sad" said Matt.

"And why not?" asked Frank angrily. "I'm stuck in a world that looks like mine, except that my wife is married to you instead of me, thus my son don't exist, thus anybody knows who I am!"

"Listen Frank, I know that this is hard for you…" said Matt, trying to be understanding.

"And how can you know it?" asked Rosie.

"Listen, I lost my daughter today, so I know what I'm talking about" said Matt. "Listen, Frank, I know how you must feel about me, but I just only want you not to be sad. How about if I take you to the park?" suggested Matt.

"Okay…" said Frank, as he wiped tears from her eyes. "But I also want Meg to come with us"

"Okay, let's see if she's done with the dimensional gate" said Matt as he and Frank left Rosie's room and walked into Meg's room. "Hey, Meg, how's that spell going on?"

"It's almost ready!" said Meg cheerfully, who had some potions in her desk. "With this potion, I can open a rift between worlds, opening a dimensional gate!"

"That's wonderful!" said Matt.

"Then, what are we waiting for?" asked Frank.

"Sorry, Frank, but it will take some hours until the potion is ready" said Meg. "It needs to settle a bit to work"

"Well, at least we have a way to open a gate" said Matt. "Anyway, I was about to take Frank and Rosie to the park, and she want you to come too"

"Really? Okay then" said Meg, as the three of them left the house.

Minutes later, in the park, Rosie is playing in the swings while Frank is pushing her.

"Push me harder!" said Rosie.

"Okay" said Frank as he began to push harder.

"Harder!" said Rosie. "I want to reach the sun!"

Frank then began to push so hard that the swing spun several times, while Rosie was screaming. Frank, frightened, could stop the swing and put Rosie on the ground. She then fell to the ground and threw up.

"Oh my god!" said Frank in concern. "Rosie, sweetie, are you okay?"

"I'm…fine!" said Rosie, dizzy but cheerfully. "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

"Better not" said Frank. "I'm going to the bathroom. Matt, keep an eye on Rosie"

"Okay, but be careful with the abandoned Robot factory conveniently placed near the women's bathroom" advised Rosie.

"What?" asked Frank, confused?

"Nevermind" said Rosie.

Moments later, Meg came back from the bathroom, but Matt has some bad news to tell her.

"You lost Frank?" asked Meg, angered and stunned. "How could you?"

"I'll tell you how" said Matt. "That guy was really smart"

**Flashback**

"Hey Frank, while Mom is in the bathroom, do you want to play with me?" asked Rosie.

"Sure!" said Frank. "Let's play hide and seek! You are 'it'!"

"Okay" said Rosie as she closed her eyes and began to count. "One, two, and three…"

Meanwhile, Frank ran away from the park.

**End Flashback**

Back at the Griffin house, everybody is talking about what happened.

"I called the police" said Lois. "They said they're going to entrust their best cops with Frank's search"

Meanwhile, at the Quahog local police station…

"Mike, a little girl got lost some hours ago. You'll look for her" said a cop.

"Sure, after I'm done with this crossword" said the cop called Mike nonchalantly "Let's see, four words, starts with f and ends with k, vulgar synonym of copulate…what can it be?"

Back at the Griffin house, Matt is putting on his leather jacket.

"Matt, where are you going?" asked Brian.

"I lost Maddie, and I'm going to find her." Said Matt with decision.

"I'm going with you" said Rosie. "Frank's still my friend, even if i didn't came out from his body"

Rosie and Matt got on Matt's motorbike and speeded away.

Meanwhile, somewhere in east Quahog, Maddie is wandering through the streets, which were filled with junkies, possible smugglers, prostitutes, and drunken hobos lying on benches, while some gunshots and police sirens could be heard in the background.

"Okay…I must admit that come here to look for dad wasn't a good idea" said Frank, scared of the unsafe street. He then is spotted by a couple of junkies dressed with dirty and ragged clothes.

"Look at that" said one of junkies, pointing to Frank. "It seems that it's our lucky day""

"Yeah" said the other one. "I know a lot of people who will pay a lot for a boy like him" said the other one as he rubbed his hands.

Hey, did you get lost, boy?" asked one of the guys.

"Yes" said Maddie.

"Don't worry" said the other man. "Come with us. We will take you home"

"Ah oh?" said Frank.

As he was about to grab Frank.

"Don't dare to touch my friend" said a defiant voice from backwards. The two junkies turned back and saw Matt and Rosie.

"Frank, come here!" said matt.

"Mom…!" shouted Maddie with joy. "Thanks for wanting to aid me, but I don't need you guys anymore" said Maddie as she was about to leave, but she was grabbed by one of the junkies.

"Not so fast!" said the first junkie. "You're ours now!"

"Get your hands off of me, you creep!" shouted Maddie.

Matt then charged towards the junkie who was trying to grab Frank and tackled him. But, unfortunately, he also was tackled by the remaining junkie. They began to fight in the floor, but Frank came to friend's aid, and smashed a trashcan over the junkie's back, a helped Matt to stand up. The junkie attacked again, but Matt knocked him out with a roundhouse kick.

"Don't move" said the first junkie, who has a knife near Rosie's throat. "Dare to move, and I'll slit her throat!" threatened.

"Okay, we'll do whatever you want, but don't harm her!" begged matt.

"Fine. Well, first of all-" was about to say the junkie, but he was interrupted by a fire blast. He then dropped his knife, and fell to the floor, dead. Rosie dashed towards Matt and clutched onto him.

"What happened…?" asked Matt in shock.

"I think that there's your answer" said rosie pointing forward.

In front of them stood Frank with bit of fire come out of his mouth and a man with long blonde hair, a blonde goatee, who wore a green overshirt and a green beanie. He was holding a shotgun.

"You know, this isn't a very safe place to go for a walk, especially with kids" said the man.

"Zack my half-brother!" screamed Frank as he rushed to the man. Yes, it's Zack.

"Brother? What are you talking about?" asked Zack.

"Excuse him" said Matt quickly, as he grabbed Frank. "It's that…you look a lot like his half-brother" said Matt, who quickly began to understand.

"Anyway, I work on a 7-11 down the street. You should go there and call for a taxi" said Zack.

"Thanks…ummm" said Matt

"Zack. Zack Murdock" said Zack.

"Murdock…" repeated Matt to himself.

They all were to the 7-11. Matt was calling for a taxi while Zack and Frank are having a chat.

"So, you a father?" asked Zack. "But you're a kid! How old are you? 17?"

"18" corrected Frank. "It was a long story involving a…broken condom"

"I see" said Zack. "Well, I got my girlfriend knocked up when I was 18 too, two years ago. That freaking bitch ran away after our son was born, leaving me alone to raise him"

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Frank. "I couldn't imagine my wife doing that"

"You're a lucky guy" said Zack. "That girl seems to care a lot for you. And she's lucky to for have such awsome and dude like you" praised Zack, making Frank to grin a little.

"Hey, Frank, our taxi is here" announced Matt.

"Well, it's time for us to leave" said Frank. "Thanks again for helping us, Mr. Murdock" said Frank.

"Anytime" said Zack.

Matt, Frank and Rosie then got in the taxi.

"I'm a bit sorry for that Zack" said Frank. "It seems that life has been hard for him"

"I don't know why, but I have a feeling that things will go better for him from now on" said Matt.

Back in the 7-11, Zack is thinking about Frank. He was so cool…but he was leaven, and he would be her lover…at least in his universe.

"God, why do you hate me so much?" asked Zack to the sky. "Why did you make my life so miserable?"

"And now we go to the national lottery raw" said the TV. "The winning numbers are: 5, 8, 17, 24, 29 and 33"

"5…8…17…24...29…33…mine! It's MINE!" shouted Zack after looking his lottery ticket. "I'm rich! God, I love you! Goodbye, f (beep) cking crappy job! Goodbye Quahog! Cody, pack your things, we're leaving!"

"To where?" asked Cody off-screen.

"How does Hawaii sound?" said Zack.

Back in the taxi…

"Hey, how did you know where I was?" asked Frank.

"Well, you said something about your dad working on a 7-11 in east Quahog" said Matt.

"Why did you come for me? I'm not your friend after all" said Frank.

"I don't mind it" said Rosie. "You know, even if me didn't came out from your body, I can feel a very strong bond between us"

"I was wrong" said Frank.

"Huh?"

"When I said that you weren't like my Meg. I was wrong. You're exactly like her when she was your age." said Frank.

"I'm glad to hear that" smiled Rosie. "Hey, dad, you forgot about your motorbike!" said Rosie.

"Don't worry, tomorrow I'll come back to get it. Fortunately, it has a cool car alarm.

Some random guy spots Matt's motorbike and try to steal it.

"Are you sure you want to do it?" said a digital voice from the motorbike. "You should know that Britney Spears used me before you…and used me in more ways than you may imagine"

"Ewwwww…!" said the man in disgust as his step backwards.

Moments later, they're in Stewie's room, where the gate opened for first time. Everybody is gathered there.

"Well, Frank, time to go home" said Meg, who was almost crying.

"Goodbye, meg" said Frank "Although I'm going to see you right now. Then she looked and Matt. "And you…after seeing how you fought against those guys…well, I'm still uneasy with the idea of meg married with another man but…you're a cool guy, and it seems that meg loves you, protect her okay"

"Thanks" said Matt. "That's a lot coming from you"

Meg then opened the bottle, and the potion quickly evaporated in a cloud of smoke. The cloud then began to condensate, and in a bright flash of light (much to Peter's dismay) the dimensional gate was again opened.

"I don't know how much time will the door remain opened, but you must tell Frank jr to cross it as fast as he can, okay?" said rosie.

"Don't worry, mom. Well, goodbye" said Frank, before crossing the gate

**Murdock universe starts now**

Suddenly, a large portal opens up in the room and out steps suddenly, a large portal opens up in the room and out steps Frank.

"We said miracle, not portal!" said Jillian, "Apparently somebody didn't get the memo."

"I'm here!" said Frank, "Say, are you Maddie?"

"Yes," said Maddie.

"I'm Frank," said Frank, "Anyway, Meg said you guys have a gate like our can you guy maybe take back home."

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," said Frank Jr as he hugged Meg and Zack and ran off into Frank then the closing portal.

"Frank! I thought we'd never see you again," said Meg tearfully as she and Zack hugged their daughter.

"Welcome back, Frank," said Lois.

"Good to have you back, Super Saiyan Frank," said Peter.

"So, did you miss anything while I was gone?" asked Frank jr.

"...Oh crap!" said Zack in realization.

At that moment, Miriam breaks through the wall of the room.

"We have DOORS you know!" said Lois.

"Sorry, they're too far," said Miriam.

"It was next to the wall you just blew up," said Brian pointing to the door next to her.

"Shut up!" said Miriam.

"Alright, Miriam. Prepare to face your doom," said Raven as she lifted a spellbook.

"Sacre bleu!" shouted Miriam with fear, "You have a spellbook!"

"Yes, it's the Wiccan book of spells!" said Raven triumphantly, "With it-"

"Oh it's just Wiccan," laughed Miriam "For a second there, I was actually worried."

"Hey, Wicca is powerful!" said Raven annoyed.

"Wicca's for chumps," said Miriam.

"Oh yeah? Well I'll recite a spell so powerful-" said Raven before Miriam disintegrated her spellbook, "...Okay, we're boned."

"Maybe not," said Frank Jr, "How long do you guys think you can distract Miriam?"

"I'd say 5 minutes at the most," said Brian.

"CJ, what does a bull do?" asked Maddie.

"This!" said CJ as he rammed the Sundoor with her head and activated it, "Ow!"

"Dad, Zack, Maddie come with me!" said Frank as she grabbed his hand.

"Where are we going?" asked Frank.

"We're stopping by for a spell!" he said as they both jumped into the portal.

Meanwhile in Rosie's universe, she and her family were still celebrating Frank return home.

"Well, all's well what ends well" said Meg.

"Still, there's something that intrigues me" said Brian. "Will there be other universes out there aside from this one and Maddie's?" asked Brian.

"Who knows" said Matt. "But I don't want to hear about parallel universes anymore"

Suddenly, the portal opens up and Frank, Frank Jr and Maddie jump out.

"Perhaps I spoke too soon," said Matt.

"Maddie? What are you doing back here?" asked Meg.

"What's he doing here?" asked Matt pointing to Frank Jr.

"This is my brother," said Maddie, "The one from another world mother."

"Really?" asked Matt as he then punched Zack.

"Ow! What was that for?" asked Zack as he covered his eye.

"That's for marrying my wife!" said Matt angrily.

"Matt, he's not married to me!" said Meg, "Well, he is but not **me** me. Another me."

"It's okay," said Zack as he got up, "I understand. Apparently you care a lot about Meg so you want to be with her in every HEY WHAT'S THAT?"

Matt quickly turns around and gets sucker punched by a laughing Zack.

"Hey! That was my husband!" shouted Meg as she kicked him the shin.

"OW! But he started it!" said Zack in pain.

"Dad, there's no time!" said Maddie, "We have to stop Miriam and fast!"

"Wait, did you say Miriam?" asked Meg, "She's loose in your universe?"

"Yeah, I forgot to mention that part," said Frank Jr.

"But how do you plan on stopping her?" asked Lois.

"With the spellbook," said Frank.

"But we can't enter that universe," said Brian, "We'll cause a paradox if we meet ourselves."

"Pfft, that's just a lame plot device," said Zack, "Maddie meets up with her future self alot."

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Sure," said Zack, "In fact, she was over just this Thanksgiving."

**Flashback**

The family is having Thanksgiving dinner.

"You want anymore turkey, Maddie?" asked Meg.

Future Maddie then takes her gun and shoots at the cooked turkey.

"...Sorry," said Future Maddie, "I still have that phobia thing."

"Oh right. The turkeys," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

"Okay how about if I take the spellbook and use it?" asked Frank jr as he grabbed the spellbook.

"No because you'll probably use it afterwards," said Meg.

"No I won't," said Frank Jr.

"Then why do you have your thumb over spontaneous combustion spells?" asked Matt.

"...Okay, I have a new idea," said Frank, "You cast a spell on me to give me powers just like Rosie. Then we both go back to fight Miriam."

"Absolutely not!" said Meg, "It's too dangerous for both of you!"

"Mom, I think we should try her idea!" said Frank Jr.

"No way," said Matt, "What if something were to happen to you?"

"We've got to try something!" said Zack, "My wife and her family are in danger! We're running out of options!"

Back in the other universe, Miriam was about to cast a spell on the family.

"A little melting spell should get rid of you once and for all," said Miriam.

"Meg, I know we may not have time to live," said Peter, "But I want you to know that even though I treat you like crap... I lo-"

Suddenly, Miriam is hit with a blast of lightning.

"-Hate you," continued Peter.

"What in the world?" she asked as she turned to see that Frank Jr casted the spell on her, "You!"

"And that's not all!" said Frank as he teleported next to her, "You may be able to handle girl, but can you take on TWO magic powered mallque?"

"You don't scare me!" said Miriam, "You're just children!"

Miriam levitates a couch and tosses it at them, but Frank Jr creates a shield to protect them. Frank then lifts Miriam and slams her against a wall. Furious, he creates 3 clones of herself.

"This fight is getting epic," said Chris.

"Do you think this fight will end soon or will they take the DBZ route?" asked Peter

**20 Episodes later...**

"Definitely the DBZ route," said Brian dryly.

"This is getting us nowhere!" said Frank as he and Frank Jr teleported into another room, hiding from Miriam.

"You're right," said Frank jr, "We have to exorcise Miriam from out of that body and I think I know how!"

"Oh God, don't let it be a wicked witch joke," said Frank in disdain.

"No, even better," said Frank Jr as he whispered into his father's ear.

"You sure it'll work?" asked Frank.

"Like we have any other choice?" asked Frank Jr, "Now let's do it!"

"Come face your doom, children," said Miriam as she phased through the wall into the room. She then casts a spell on them that immobilizes them both.

"Frank jr! I can't move!" panicked Frank, "I'm scared!"

"Wait for it..." said Frank.

"Leave them alone!" screamed Meg as she tried to run up to Miriam but was thrown back by her powers.

"Look at you. You both thought you were all that," said Miriam as she walked closer, "But you're not."

"Dad..." said Frank jr worried.

"Wait for it," said Frank.

"I'm going to enjoy this," said Miriam as a green flame enveloped her hand, "I can't wait to hear you scream."

"And that's what we're going to do!" said Frank, "NOW ROSIE!"

They both then roar a high pitch like a lion. Miriam then covers her ears in pain.

"AAAAAARGH! MY EARS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed as she was forced out of Corvette's body, "YOU'LL BOTH PAY FOR THIS!"

Her spirit then vanishes and returns to the afterlife in Rosie's world. Frank and Frank jr then faint from exhaustion.

"What the heck was that we just did?" asked Frank Jr.

"That was called a ultra-roar," said Frank, "We used our powers to amplify our pitch. I drained all of mine using it so I'm back to normal."

"How did you know it would work?" asked Rosie.

"I didn't," said Frank, "We had to wing it, just like what pops does in everything in life."

"Now that's not true, dude," said Peter.

At that moment, Corvette comes to.

"Haha! At last I have control of my body," said Corvette triumphantly, "and now, I shall exact my revenge up- KZZZZZZZT!" she stops completely and falls down.

"Off button," said Tilly revealing an off switch on Corvette.

Much later, the Griffins and the other Griffins (who had come to get Rosie) were saying goodbye to each other.

"I guess in a way, both our families are pretty similar," said Matt.

"Yeah... except for those two," said Zack pointing to Tilly and CJ.

"Well, look at us," chuckled Lois, "Talking to each other like a bunch of crazy people."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "Just look at how dumb looking these bastards are."

"Oh yeah?" challenged the other Peter, "Well you're all stupid looking bastards, too."

"Peter, those bastard's are us," said both Lois' in unison angrily.

"Well something's don't change," said Meg.

"Anyway, we'd better head back to our universe," said the other Meg, "I still have a little bit of the potion from the last spell."

"You don't need to use the spellbook," said Tilly as she activated the portal, "You can take the Sundoor back."

The family then begins to head back except for Frank Jr and Frank. Frank Jr runs back to the family and hugs them.

"I'll miss you all," said Frank, "Even though you're not my real family."

"Well, I guess in a strange cosmic way, we are," said Zack as he and Meg hugged him back.

"I'll miss you too, Frank jr," said Maddie as he hugged him, "It's too bad we didn't get to know each other better.

"Don't worry about it," said Frank jr, "Maybe one day we'll meet each other again and hang out."

"I'll be looking forward to it," said Frank as he and Frank Jr walked into the closing Sundoor.

"What a day," said Lois, "I better get dinner started."

The family all leave the room except Stewie and Maddie who both contemplate on the events of the day.

"I think I've had enough of parallel universes for one day," said Maddie exhausted.

"Me too," said Stewie, "If I see something coming out of that Sundoor and it's from a parallel universe, it'll be too soon."

At that very moment, the Sundoor opens up again and out comes a puppy who stood on two legs like Brian wearing a t-shirt, skirt, and a bow on her left ear.

"Who the deuce are you?" asked Stewie.

"My name's Rose," said the puppy, "I'm Brian and Lois' daughter."

"...Say what?" asked Maddie.

**Murdock universe ends**

**Spellbook universe starts**

Everybody was expecting Rosie to come out in any moment. After a couple of minutes, Rosie appeared in front of them.

"Mom? Dad?" asked Rosie.

"ROSIE!" shouted in unison Matt and Meg, and they dashed to hug their daughter. "Oh, Rosie, we missed you so much" cried Meg.

"You're squishing me!" complained Rosie, trapped in her parents' grip.

"Come on Rosie, tell us all about those bastard's dirty linen!" said Peter.

"Peter, WE are those bastards!" said Lois angrily. "Rosie, we're so happy for you to be back with us!"

"Well, all's well what ends well" said Meg.

"Still, there's something that intrigues me" said Brian. "Will be other universes out there aside from this one and Maddie's?" asked Brian.

"Who knows" said Matt. "But I don't want to hear about parallel universes anymore"

Meanwhile, in other universe different from this one and Maddie's, we see the Griffin house. And inside the house, we see Brian sat on the couch. He's dressed with a businessman suit, decorated with some republican propaganda and a golden crucifix necklace around his neck. Next to him is Lois, dressed as usual. Brian then shivers.

"Brian, what's wrong?" asked Lois, worried.

"I don't know" said Brian. "But I have a weird feeling that, there's another Brian in another universe who is a liberal democrat atheist, instead of a conservative republican fundamentalist like me, and he's a failure as a novelist, instead of being a successful novelist like me, and worst of all, he isn't married with you, my dear love, like me. Instead of that he is the family dog"

"Oh, that's because you sleep too little" said Lois. "You work too much on your books" said Lois as she rubbed his shoulders.

"I know, darling, but I must do it" said Brian. "Otherwise, our life wouldn't be so wonderful"

"Yes" said Lois. "I'm going to get the dinner ready" said Lois as she stood up. "And don't forget to take Peter out for a walk!"

"Don't worry!" said Brian as he took a leash. "Peter, it's time for a walk!"

Peter rushed on all fours to Brian, panting like a dog. Peter was completely naked, except that he was wearing Brian's red collar, and for some weird reason, he behaved like a dog.

"I love my life" said the republican Brian as he and Peter went out for a walk.

**Spellbook universe End **

**Main Family Guy MC Universe starts**

They ended up outside the Griffin's house.

'Did we come back to our universe?' Frank Jr asked.

'Only one way to know,' Frank said as they looked through the window into the living room and they saw John and Tyler fighting.

'Super smash bro is the best game!' John said.

'No, Pokémon stadium is the best game!' Tyler said.

'Yup, this is the right Universe,' Frank Jr said.

The two were returned to their home town and the two shake hands and make amends. Maddie and Rosie tells Frank they'll never forget them, but both stewie tells them to get out of his lab.

Back home, Frank Jr realizes he still never found time to finish his father's science fair project. On the verge of being disqualified, the other stewie perfects the teleports and sends flare and the Might Murdock's to Dimmsdale. Frank wins the science fair and thanks Maddie and Rosie for his help. Tilly notices Frank Jr is on the screen and wants to talk to him, but stewie yells at her to get out of his lab.


	11. Chapter 10: Holy Crap

**Chapter 10: Holy Crap**

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

It was just another regular day in the Griffin Mallque house and the Mallques/Griffins (minus Peter and Frank) were watching TV as usual.

On the TV, it showed a woman talking with a doctor in his office.

"Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news." The doctor gravely informed his patient, "The tumor's malignent. I'm afraid you only have six months to live."

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Lipstein reacted to the news.

Then the "got milk?" campaign logo popped up.

"Got milk?" The narrator questioned.

Cuts back to the family on the couch.

"That commercial made no sense!" Frank Jr acknowledged.

After that, Peter appeared and turned off the TV with the remote.

"Hey, listen up, everybody!" Peter said to the family, "Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring."

"Grandpa Griffin?" Meg asked her father.

"Who's he?" John also asked as he, Frank Jr, Meg, Persephone, Chris, Stewie and Tyler turned to Lois.

"Is he that guy that smells like firewood and has those big gray pussywillows in his ears?" Chris asked Lois, whose eyes popped at the last thing Chris mentioned.

"Chris, that's a terrible word." Lois said to Chris, "'Pussywillows'."

"Pop's dad worked at that mill for 60 years." Frank lamented while looking at a picture of a mill, "That's almost 80 years." He walked over to the family, "Tomorrow night, they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him."

"Why?" Meg asked Frank, "We barely know him."

"And we never met him." John joined in, "That includes me and Tyler."

"Yeah, how come he never visits us?" Chris soon asked.

"Maybe he hates us." Tyler assumed.

"No, Tyler. It's not that." Lois affirmed to Tyler, "You see, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic."

It then flashbacked to Peter and Lois' wedding just as their leaving the church. But when they reached the limo, they were surprised to find the sign behind it, "Just Married" had another sign underneath it reading, "To a Protestant Whore."

It then cut back to present day.

"Hey, hey, hey, dad loves all of us." Peter assured the family, "He-He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way ever since I was a kid."

**Cutaway #1**

It was set at a father-son picnic where a man was on a stage announcing the results of a previous event.

"And now the winners of the father-son three-legged race." The man announced holding up a ribbon, "First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad." He then gave it to a boy whose leg was tied together with his father's as they moved along.

"Second place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad." He then announced and handed another ribbon to another boy with his father and they moved along.

"Third place, Peter Griffin and Jake Mallque." He announced just bluntly, then just pinned the ribbon onto the stalk tied to the young Peter.

**End**

"Well, now that he's retiring, I and he can finally spend some time together." Peter continued, "I want us to have one of those father-son moments, like on TV. You know, where we hug and the music goes, _La-la-laaaa_."

It then panned to show a band next to the stairs behind Peter and they played the song Peter was singing earlier.

"Like that?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Yeah, Tyler, just like that." Peter replied and turned to the band, "Thanks, boys."

"Hey, can you guys do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?" Brian asked the band, who played the theme while the kids from _The Brady Bunch_ then appeared running down the stairs, from Brian's exact words. However, Cindy stopped at the last minute.

"I don't want to tattle, but is Bobby really a doctor?" Cindy asked before departing, followed by Frank Jr asking the trombone player that he doing a short sputter and then did it .

The scene shifted to the Quahog Mariners Banquet Hall, which was where Peter's father's dinner was being held; the sign also had a slogan underneath reading, "Now free of that urine smell". Inside, the Griffins were eating with Peter's father, who was the only one eating at the moment.

"Mom, I can't eat." Meg whispered to Lois, "I'm too grossed out by grandpa's ears."

"Tell me about it." John agreed, "For a second, I thought they were the hedges back when we were living at Cherrywood."

"I know." Chris soon joined in as he leaned a bit looking at his grandfather's earhair, "They're like a big, gray enchanted forest."

"Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross." Lois told the kids, "And they are certainly not an enchanted fo- TYLER AND FRANK JR!"

It soon showed Tyler and Frank Jr leaning at Peter's father's ears with a magnifying glass.

"Hey, it is like an enchanted forest." Tyler acknowledged Chris' comment, "I can even see gnomes."

It then panned from a shot of the old man's face to the inside of the ear Tyler and Frank Jr was looking into as wind was blowing through the hair as if it were long grass. Then, actual gnomes came out of the hair.

"Let us run to the meadow and dance." The gnome on the right said to his partner in an unknown language.

"You first." The other gnome replied, "I'm self-conscious."

Cuts back to the dinner and showed a man walking up to a podium with a party blower. He then blew it.

"But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin." The man announced as he then started applauding for the latter, "Francis."

Everyone else joined in on the applause as Francis got out from his chair and went up to the podium. Peter then whistled and went back to applauding for his father. Francis received his award, which was a pocket watch and went to the microphone.

"At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again." Francis speech to everyone, "I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire." He then picked up his watch, "So, you can take this shiny watch and shove it!" He discarded the watch in the distance.

Everyone gasped in shock of what just happened, except for Stewie, who appeared glad instead.

"I adore this man!" Stewie praised.

"Shut it, mutant." John and Tyler said to Stewie in unison. They then looked back at Francis.

"Wow, I see him differently now." Tyler remarked.

"You and me both." John replied.

"Shut it, idiots." Frank and Frank Jr said to John and Tyler in unison

It cut to the family driving home with Francis.

"Hey, that was some speech, dad." Peter said to Francis.

"Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it." Lois said in the back.

"Bless her heart." Francis remarked, "She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas."

**Cutaway #2**

It cut to an elderly woman at a poker table in a casino.

"Hit me, you five-card stud." The grandmother said to the card dealer, and then hackingly couches, "Cocktail!"

**End**

"Aye, she's a rose." Francis reminisced, "It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish-Catholic girl, Peter." This caught both Peter and Lois off-guard.

"Ohohohoh, Francis, this must be embarrassing for you." Lois sarcastically chuckled at Francis' comment, "But I'm in the car."

"So, tell us about yourself, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Francis.

"What do you want to know?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Not you." Tyler told Peter, "Your dad."

"Oh. Well, now that you mentioned it, since my dad is now retired, he's coming to stay with us." Peter said and then turned to Francis, "You hear that, dad? No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down." Peter slammed the brakes, where Frank Jr, John, Tyler and Brian were then flung forward and hit the front.

"Geez, guys, buckle up." Peter said to Frank Jr, Frank, John, Tyler and Brian now on the car floor and went back to his dad, "Eh, what do you say, dad?"

"I don't want to be a bother." Francis responded.

"Uh, it's no bother, is it, Lois?" Peter said and asked Lois.

"Of course not." Lois assured sarcastically while rolling her eyes upward, "It'll be fun."

"You're a good woman, Lois." Francis praised Lois, "Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. What's that place where all the lost souls and unbaptized babies go to again?"

"Purgatory?" Frank Jr said on the ground.

"Ah, there we are." Francis said.

"Eh, there you go, Lois." Peter assured to Lois, "You love kids."

"That reminds me." Francis acknowledged and turned to Peter, "Peter..."

"Yes, dad?" Peter answered.

"... Who are these four on the floor?" Francis asked about Frank Jr, Frank, John and Tyler.

It was now time for bed as John was walking out of the bathroom in his pajamas. Tyler also came out of the bathroom, also in PJs and they were both about to head for bed when they noticed Peter and Lois by the door of Frank Jr and Stewie's room.

"What's going on over here?" John asked Peter and Lois at what they were doing.

"Hey, boys. Heh, look at that." Peter said to John, "Dad's reading Frank Jr and Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me." The last part had Frank, John, Tyler and Lois with shocked looks on their faces.

Stewie and Frank Jr were on Francis's lap while he was reading from his Bible.

"So God cast the pagans and sinners into the fiery bowls of Hell..." He closed the Bible as he read it and took Stewie and Frank Jr to their cribs and tucked them in, "... where their flesh burned in agony forever and ever."

This made Stewie satisfied with excitement as he and Frank Jr then happily began sucking his thumb before going to sleep.

"The End." Francis greeted Stewie goodnight.

(A/N: Okay, I know this was meant as a joke, but where exactly in the Bible does it say what Francis supposedly read? Seriously. I've read the whole New Testament and I never found anything like that. Sorry, I got a bit touchy on my religion. Anyway...)

"Ah, children love a good bedtime story from the Bible." Francis said.

"Yes, charming." Brian remarked on Francis' comment, "Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac?"

**Cutaway #3**

It then cut to Abraham Lincoln with... Isaac from _The Love Boat_, who was serving a woman her drink. Suddenly, Abraham pulled out two pistols and shot Isaac, leaving the woman in panic.

**End**

"You do know that God was just testing him, right?" Frank asked Brian.

"Whatever..." Brian shrugged off Frank's question and left, leaving him alone with John, Tyler, Peter, Lois and Francis.

Then early the next morning, Peter in a suit busted through the kitchen door and opened up a seat for Francis, who took it.

"(Yawn) that was a lovely service, Francis." Lois complimented.

"Super." Meg and Persephone came in and replied, "And only three more hours till school."

"I would've preferred just going on Sundays." John said, also coming in along with Tyler.

"I didn't even know there was a 5:00 am mass." Chris acknowledged about his discovery, "I didn't even know there was a 5:00 am. What else haven't you told me?!" as he and Frank Jr screamed at lois.

"Now, I-I rather like this God fellow." Stewie also acknowledged, "He's very theatrical, you know. You have pestilence here and have a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that."

"Uh, yes. We-We all enjoy reading the Bible in this house." Frank said trying to get his grandfather's approval.

"Really?" Francis responded, "What's your favorite book of the Bible?"

"Uh... uh..." Frank stuttered trying to come up with an excuse to help him pass by, "Uh, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?" Peter then gave out a nervous grin on his face in hopes that it worked. Francis, however, only gave Peter an unsatisfied glare, leaving Peter and Frank disappointed.

Later that day, Tyler was banging on the bathroom door.

"Open the door, Chris!" Tyler ordered Chris, who was the one occupying the bathroom, "I gotta go!"

Francis passed by and moved Tyler aside and started banging on the door in Tyler's place.

"You heard the young man, open this door!" Francis ordered, "Open it, I say!"

The toilet flushed and Chris opened the door.

"Sorry, grandpa." Chris apologized, "Uh, Tyler, you might want to give that a minute or two."

"I know what you're doing in there..." Francis said to Chris, "...and it's a sin!"

"What?" Tyler asked Francis, "Going to the bathroom?"

"No..." Francis replied as he leaned in and whispered into Tyler's ear what he meant.

"What's that?" Tyler asked, still in confusion.

Francis whispered into Tyler's ear again.

"Oh." Tyler replied, understanding now, but then thought, "Wait, I don't think-"

"And if you ever do it again, boy, you'll burn in Hell!" Francis threateningly warned Chris.

"But I do it every day." Chris informed Francis, "Sometimes twice."

"Mark my words. Both of you." Francis said to both Chris and Tyler, "You may think you're alone in there, but God's watching'." Then focused on Chris, "Don't do it again!" He finally stormed off. As Frank Jr walk out of his room into the hallway next to Chris, Tyler and heard the whole thing and reply

"God's watching Chris does number 2?" Frank Jr asked, "Oh, man, Chris is a sinner and God's a pervert."

"Frank Jr, I think he might've got it confused with something else." Tyler reassured Frank Jr, "And besides, God's not a pervert."

Next, Meg and Persephone were walking into the patio while coming home from school.

"MEGAN, PERSEPHONE!" Francis shouted from in a chair behind Meg and Persephone, startling them, then lowered his voice, "How was school?"

Meanwhile, in the living room, John was passing by drinking a soda, when he then heard Meg's voice from behing the patio door.

"Uh, good." Meg responded calmly from inside the patio, where John leaned in and eavesdrops on the conversation, "Kevin walked us home."

"Kevin?" Francis asked in confusion.

"He, uh, lives next door." Persephone informed him.

"He lives next door..." Francis repeated, "...to a harlot!"

Hearing what the old man said caught John by surprise.

"What?!" John reacted.

"Grandpa, they were just holding hands." Meg informed Francis.

"Well, it'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy." Francis remarked, "He can take it right home with him!"

John couldn't believe what he was hearing as he got outraged by this injustice and busted in.

"John?" Meg exclaimed.

"Hey, look, gramps! I don't care what you heard or believe in..." John protested against Francis, "...you do not talk about your granddaughter like that! Ever!"

"And who are you?" Francis asked John.

"You're kidding." John said, "We just met, like, last night. Remember?"

"Oh, yes. Yes, I remember now." Francis replied, "But why are you here?"

"He lives here with us." Meg explained.

"So, this boy lives with a harlot? Has this house have no shame?!" Francis assumed, "But more importantly, why shouldn't I talk about my granddaughter?"

"Well, because last time I checked, judging others for doing even ordinary things in their lives drags you to Hell!"

Francis didn't respond for a moment or two to John's answer.

"Lord, it's great to see you kids." Francis remarked as he gave Meg and Persephone a farewell kiss and left the room.

"Hey, uh, John." Persephone said to John, "About what you said to my grandfather, why did you do that?"

"Come on, we're friends. Remember? Friends stick by each other's side." John responded, "And besides, he's your grandfather. He shouldn't be saying those mean things, especially towards his own grandchildren."

"Gee. Um... thanks, John." Persephone thanked John as she left the room feeling a bit touched about what John said. Though, she still felt a little uneasy about what her grandfather had said.

John was the last to enter the living room where he found Lois, Frank Jr, Brian and Tyler watching _The Dick Van Dyke Show_.

On the TV was the intro to said show, where the main character entered his home and greeted his wife and son. He then walks into the living room and trips on the footstool. He gets back up, but ends up tripping on and stattering a glass coffee table, leaving with several shards of glass impaled all over his body. He screams in agony and tries to pull out the glass shards, but backs up into the ironing board, where the iron lands directly on his face and burning it. He agains screams in pain and backs up while his hands are on his face. He soon ends up in the kitchen and slips on a wet puddle on the floor, slipping and smashing right into an active oven. He gets caught on fire and plummets on the kitchen table and he tries to get back up by holding ont the handle of one of the drawers, but the drawer is pulled out and had a bunch of utensils inside which land right at his face. He quickly gets back up and tries to pull the utensils out, but for some reason, a car bursts through the wall and crushes him.

Cuts back to living room.

Francis is right next to the TV with the remote and turns it off.

"Francis, we were watching that." Lois said to Francis annoyed.

"Now we'll never know how it ends!" Frank Jr said in outrage.

"Well, I'll tell you how it ends." Francis told them, "Laura burns the roast and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!"

"Thanks for ruining the ending!" Tyler said to Francis in outrage as he storm out of the room.

Then, it cut to a baseball game at night. Peter was there with Francis, hoping for a chance to bond.

"Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, dad?" Peter said to Francis, "Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years."

Francis, however, only shrugs it off and wasn't interested at all.

"Stewie's having fun." Frank acknowledged looking at Stewie.

"Why-Why does that man drop his club before he runs around?" Stewie wondered, "I'd bring it with me!"

"That's a baseball bat, Stewie." Tyler reassured Stewie, "You're supposed to drop it."

"He's right, Stewie." John agreed, "If he had brought it with him, then he would be out."

"DAMN!" Stewie cursed.

"Hey, who wants a Fenway frank, eh?" Peter suggested, "Nothing says, 'Please talk to me, daddy,' like a Fenway frank."

"That's true." Tyler agreed."

"Is there a bathroom here?" Chris asked, "I don't think I can wait anymore."

"In a public restroom, lad?" Francis questioned Chris, "For the good of your soul, show some restraint." This caused Chris to sit back down in defeat and pain.

He-Hey, hot dog guy!" Frank called out to the hot dog salesman.

"I'll get him." Francis insisted.

"Mr. Griffin, they bring them to you." Tyler reassured Francis.

"Well, la-de-da." Francis said.

"It's called 'customer service'." John then told Francis, "Ever thought of that?"

"I don't need my food brought to me. I'm not a broken-down old mule! I can still work! I can still take orders!" Francis then headed up the bleachers and stormed off.

"No, that's not what I meant!" John called out to Francis, "UGH! Stubborn, old man."

"Oh, hey! Hey, look! Hey, dad! Hey, dad, look! Hey, dad! Dad! You gotta... L-Look!" Peter called to Francis as he jumped up and pointed at the scoreboard, where it's display screen played a special message showing an image of Peter blowing a "love-you" kiss while it read, "DAD I LOVE YOU - PETER." Peter looked up and realized Francis was already gone to see it, "Uh, look! Aw, crap. That was money well spent."

Eventually, Peter was home in the living room staring out the window while Frank, John, Tyler, Frank Jr, Lois and Brian are gathered around the couch.

"He just left without saying anything?" Lois asked Peter about what happened at the game, "Wh-Where would he go?"

"Maybe he went back to work." Tyler guessed.

"I don't know." Peter answered as he turned to her, "I-I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. And besides, Tyler, my dad's retired. You know that."

"I think that's a possibility." John stated agreeing with Tyler's suggestion.

"I don't care if he ever comes back." Brian then said which gave looks of shock and surprise from Peter, Frank, Frank Jr, Lois, John and Tyler. No one said anything for a few seconds.

"Are you finishing the song, or do you really mean that?" Tyler asked Brian deciding to break the silence.

"I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead." Brian answered.

"I can live with that." John replied.

Then Frank and Frank Jr began to slap Brian and john silly until they said uncle.

It then cut to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons on Channel 5 News on the TV.

"Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from The Pope." Diane said to Tom.

"That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined; my cock here." Tom then said to her seemingly suggestively, until he pulls up a rooster (aka cock), "Yes, the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week." He placed the rooster on the table, "I don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with 'rooster.' Diane?"

(A/N: Originally, they wanted Tom to say "My cock." So, since my version of Family Guy will feature all the material they weren't able to put into their episodes, I thought I might do them a favor.)

Cuts back to everyone on the couch. Peter was looking out the window again.

"I'm telling ya, something must've happened to him." Peter panicked, "H-He's probably hurt, o-or lost, or-or, shanghaied by pirates!"

"What now?" Tyler exclaimed.

"...That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!" Peter soon said when the phone rang and Brian got up to answer.

"Peter, calm down." Lois reassured Peter, "It's his first night of retirement. He's probably out enjoying himself."

"He's in jail." Frank corrected still holding the phone.

It cut to the Quahog Police Department. Inside, a police officer was escorting Francis out as the family bailed him out.

"Dad. My God, are you okay?" Peter asked running to Francis in worry and got slapped in the face by the latter.

"Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!" Francis threatened.

"He's okay." Peter said in relief, "Thank God!" Soon after, Francis slapped him again.

"Uh, you do realize what he said there actually a blessing, right?" John asked Francis to see if he was aware of that, but got slapped in the face without answer.

"I'll take that as a 'no.'" John then assumed.

"Uh, seems like he broke into the old mill after hours." The officer explained what happened, "We found him working on a kick press."

"Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?" Peter asked Francis realizing the situation.

"Now that is a sin!" John stated in disgust.

"Yes!" Francis answered breaking away from the policeman, "I want to work! I want my job back!"

"But, dad, you're retired." Peter reminded him.

"I'd rather be dead." Francis responded.

"Dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville." A man dressed in barbershop quartet attire said to Francis appearing out of nowhere, much to everyone's confusion, "You know what killed "em?"

"What killed them?" Tyler asked the man.

"The talkie pictures. That's what." The man answered.

"Of course!" Frank exclaimed.

"But you can still make it, kid." The man said turning to Francis, "You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round-off. Ooff." The man then tried to pull off a tumble-roll, but ended up lying on his back on the floor, "Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one on my tongue." He then looked at Lois, "Hey, honey, you want to be in the pictures?"

Later that same night, the family was back at the house. Peter was in the kitchen with Lois, Frank, Frank Jr, John, Tyler and Brian.

"I don't get it, Lois." Peter said to Lois, who was pouring herself a cup of coffee, "Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in _A League of Their Own_."

"Peter, I hate to say this, but it doesn't seem like your dad isn't interested in bonding with you." Lois assured Peter, "All he cares about is work."

"Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together." Frank acknowledged after his light bulb lit (not literally), "We can start our own father-son business."

"You mean like _Sanford & Son_?" Tyler asked Frank.

"Yeah, exactly like _Sanford & Son_!" Peter answered.

It then shows what they meant. Inside Peter and Frank 's imagination, everything was that of the TV show _Sanford & Son_, with Peter and Frank as Lamont Sanford and his son, where he opened the backdoor of his truck and a couple of bathtubs pour right out of there, and Francis as Fred, the main character of the show.

"Hey!" Fred (Francis) called to Lamont (Peter), "Watcha doin' with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy?"

"Pop, why you gotta be like that?" Lamont jr (Frank) asked back, "We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines." He then showed his father a custom Virgin Mary shrine made from the half of a bathtub.

"That our boy." Fred praised, "At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now gimme a hug before I gave ya a knuckle sandwich." Both father and son, grandson then hugged in rejoice.

Right after that, it cut back to reality with Peter hugging Frank in front of Lois, Frank Jr ,John, Tyler and Brian.

"Wow." Frank Jr exclaimed, "Forgive me for saying this, but that... was sad."

"Or you could just get your father a job with you at the toy factory." Lois soon suggested.

"That's an even better idea!" Peter acknowledged Lois' suggestion, "Lois, you're a genius. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich." The sound of that gave Lois a look of worry on her face as she backed away a bit from Peter, while John, Frank, Frank Jr, Tyler and Brian just simply walked away.

"Peter. Peter, I can't hug you." Lois stated hoping he'll stop, but he kept coming toward her, "Peter, cut it out. Peter, I'm serious. Peter!" She then suckerpunched Peter in the stomach.

The next morning, Peter and the boys took Francis to their workplace, where they were showing him around.

"...And this is the nerve center of the whole factory, my station." Peter explained to Francis, "I assemble our new action figure, Zeek, the moody drifter."

"You mean to tell me you stand here all day playing with dolls?" Francis questioned Peter's job.

"No, you're not getting the message." John reassured Francis, "He assembles toys."

"Yeah, it's not easy." Peter agreed, "See-See, I gotta twist on his head and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket." He then held up the said toy in front so Francis could see. He pressed the button on the back of the toy.

The toy then produces a a slight cough.

"Any of you kids want to see a dead body?" The action figure then asked.

"I do!" Frank Jr answered.

"Too bad, kid." The action figure told Frank Jr.

"Awww..." Frank Jr moped in disappointment.

Mr. Weed then passed by them.

"Oh! Uh, w-wait here, dad." Peter said to Francis handing him the action figure and running over to Mr. Weed, "Hey, uh, Mr. Weed?"

"Peter." Mr. Weed greeted back.

"Listen, I was wondering' if you might have a job for my dad." Peter asked Mr. Weed.

"Your father?" Mr. Weed repeated, "He must be a man of at least 70."

"Oh, yeah, but he's in great shape, eh?" Peter reassured, "Well, uh, except his prostate. Man, 2:00 AM last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom."

"Peter." Francis called to Peter where the camera zoomed to Francis with all of the action figures finished, "All finished. What's next?"

Everyone gathered around Francis and stared in amazement at the latter's work.

"I don't believe it." John responded in disbelief.

"You did my whole day's work in five minutes." Peter said to Francis.

"That's impossible!" Tyler exclaimed.

"We should sell you to the circus, you freak!" Peter then praised Francis, and then teasingly elbowed the latter.

"I've never seen such productivity." Mr. Weed acknowledged, "How is this possible?"

"I'll tell you how it's possible." Peter told Mr. Weed, "Because this man always put his job before everything else; his wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son."

"I need hear no more." Mr. Weed told Peter, "Everyone, this is your new shop foreman." He leans in and shakes Francis' hand, "Welcome abaord, sir. Lead as you see fit." He then left.

"Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son. Eh?" Peter said to Francis.

"Peter, this is truly a miracle." Francis acknowledged in gratitude, "I'm so grateful."

"Oh, hold that thought." Peter halted Francis, "Hey, boys. You're on."

The band from earlier in the episode were right there and played the first piece of music they did earlier.

"Go ahead, dad." Peter told Francis reaching his arms out to him, expecting a hug. Francis, however, knelt down and prayed.

"Thank you, Jesus." Francis prayed, "I have a purpose in life again." He got back up, "Hey!" He then shouted viciously at everyone and suddenly pulled out a whip, "Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!"

It was later night time back at home. Everyone was in the kitchen ready for dinner, while Stewie was reading a Bible.

"My, my, what a thumping good read!" Stewie astonished, "Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in_Winnie the Pooh_."

"Oh. Please don't say 'pooh.'" Chris begged Stewie in pain as he got up and left the room.

Suddenly, Peter bursts open the door whilst collasping onto the ground.

"Peter, are you alright?" Lois asked Peter in concern, "Where's your father?"

"Still at the factory." Peter answered, "He's turning the break room into a chapel."

"A chapel?" Lois repeated, "Where will you all eat lunch?"

"Lois, lunch is a sin." Frank informed Lois sarcastically, "Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me? Pops and granddad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best-" Peter soon passed out where his unconscious noggin got impaled by a fork he was wielding upwards, but it wasn't deep. Just by the tips. This left everyone caught by surprise and a bit of horror.

The next day, all the employees were working as fast as they could while quickly assembling the action figures non-stop and repeatedly saying "I got it."

"Hey, Peter, your dad stinks." One of the employees told Peter, "I'm working triple shifts and I'm still not Employee of the Week. Ho-How am I supposed to compete with that?" He then lifted his arm up to show a small portrait of Jesus, Who Is Employee of the Week.

"Hey, where is He anyway?" Peter asked.

**Cutaway #4**

It cut to a couple of men playing golf.

"Well, Rick. This'll be for my fourth birdie." A man in yellow golfing attire said to a man in light-blue golfing attire, "Looks like someone's going to be cleaning out my apartment for a month."

"Oh, come on, Jesus." The other man prayed, "Please help me make this shot." He then took a stroke and tapped the ball to the hole. But it soon seemingly stopped right at the edge of the hole.

"Ohhh. Tough luck, Richard." Golfer #1 said to the golfer.

While everyone was about to leave, the ball then instantly fell into the hole.

"Hey, boss. The ball just went in!" One of the men who accompanied the golfers told Golfer #1.

"WHAT?!" Golfer #1 exclaimed in disbelieved.

"Yes!" Golfer #2 cheered, "Thank You, Jesus!"

It soon showed Jesus in Heaven.

"Your welcome." Jesus said to the golfer.

**End**

"Back to work, all of you!" Francis ordered everyone outside his office, "What's going on here?"

"Uh, dad." Peter asked Francis, "Uh, some of the guys think that.. Well, since you took over, work is no fun."

Elsewhere, John and Tyler visited and decided to give Peter some lunch, despite the latter not allowed when they stumbled across Peter's discussion with Francis.

"Work's not supposed to be fun." Francis told Peter.

"But why not?" Peter asked.

"Why not?" Francis repeated in disgust, "WHY NOT?! That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father!"

Hearing this finally got Frankand peter to think otherwise.

"Now wait a minute." Frank and peterstood up and protested, "I may not be perfect, but at least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you!"

This got everyone by surprise, even John, Tyler and Francis.

"Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before..." Francis acknowledged, "... You're both fired!" Francis then slapped Peter and Frank hard in the face.

"HEY, YOU!" John shouted to Francis, "I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU!" John then walked over to Francis with Tyler, "Not only have you proven you're a horrible father figure, but even since me and my buddy've gotten to know you, we've seen what you truly are."

"Oh. So, you finally see me as a righteous Man of God and have come for my forgiveness." Francis assumed.

"No, you don't deserve forgiveness for what you committed against these people." John corrected Francis, "As far as I can tell, YOU'RE the sinner!"

Everyone gasped in shock at what John called Francis.

"How DARE YOU! YOU'RE FIRE, TOO!" He was gonna deliver another slap to John, but the latter caught and grabbed the old man's hand and held it firm. John then glared at Francis for a moment before letting his arm go and walked away.

"Tough luck, because I don't even work here! Come on, Tyler." John called Tyler, whom did as asked.

"Me a sinner?" Francis muttered under his breath, "Why, that ungrateful-"

"Well, i-in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment." Peter said to Francis as he took Francis' hand and placed it on his rear to make it look like he was molesting him, but it didn't seem to be working, "I'll see you at home."

Some time later after that, Chris tried to sneak over to the bathroom. Unfortunately, Carter was in the bathroom in a robe having finished showering and had caught Chris.

"What do you think you're doing, lad?" Carter questioned Chris.

"NOTHING!" Chris responded as he rushed back into his room.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Lois was giving Peter and Frank some coffee, who were now a wreck as he was in a robe and had a five o' clock shadow. John and Tyler were there with him while they were having some cereal for breakfast.

"Lois, something's wrong with your shower." Francis came in and said to Lois.

"Well, what's the problem, then?" John asked.

"The water's not cold enough." Francis answered, "I like me showers colder than a well digger's kerblocken."

"Oh, really?" Tyler asked, "I thought you might like the water hotter since it SUITS WHERE YOU'RE HEADED!"

"You and your friend will be the ones to suffer that fate, lad." Francis said to Tyler.

"I think it's time someone sits his kerfluffin down and has a talk with his unemployed son." Lois insisted to Francis about Peter and Frank's unemployment.

"If Peter and Frank needs to talk, he'd best go to confession and beg forgiveness for all his failings!" Francis insisted, not realizing what Lois actually meant, "Have a glorious day." He grabbed his suitcase and left for work.

"Peter, how can you just sit there and let him talk like that?" Lois questioned Peter and Frank as she placed Stewie's bowl of oatmeal on his high-chair.

"Ah, he's right, mom. I'm no good." Frank said, "Even my own dad doesn't love me. Face it, I'm going to Hell."

As soon as Peter said that, flames then engulfed the screen as Frank imagined himself in Hell. There, he saw a couple of men playing poker and Peter easily recognized him.

"Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth." Frank exclaimed as he examined each player on the table, then saw an unexpected face along with them, Superman, "Hey, wha- W-What are you doing here?"

"I killed a hooker." Superman confessed, "She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book."

The flames from before rose again engulfing the screen again, cutting back to the kitchen.

"Yes, the fat man's going to Hell." Stewie gloated, "And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil."

John took a look at where Stewie was at in the Bible he was reading.

"Stewie, this is Revelation." John pointed out, and then realized, "Wait a minute. You mean you've been reading Revelation this whole time?"

"And nothing but!" Stewie answered.

This gave John an idea.

"Well, if you really love God, then take a look at one of His most famed works, The Book of John." John recommended to Stewie as he turned to the aforementioned Gospel.

Stewie soon began to read, hoping it would be to his expectations.

"AAAHHH!" Stewie panicked suddenly dropping the Bible on the tray of his high-chair as he was now in absolute horror, "No, this can't be! God isn't evil at all! He's... LOVE!" Stewie then spouted in horror.

"Stewie, eat your oatmeal." Lois told Stewie taking away the Bible from his hands and sitting down next to him as the latter then began quickly eating his oatmeal in worry, "Honey, you're a wonderful husband, a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand, a very devoted son."

"Your wife's right, Mr. Griffin." Tyler agreed with Lois, "If your father thinks otherwise, then he's the one to be going to Hell."

"That's a nice thought, you guys, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you." Peter said unconvinced.

"Then what will?" John wondered.

"Well, the moment has arrived at last." Tom Tucker said on the kitchen TV as it soon cut to him and Diane on Channel 5 News doing a very special report, "We now go live to Logan International Airport, where The Pope's plane has just touched down." It then showed from a bird's eye view a full shot of The Pope's plane having already landed. The crowd was mostly composed of nuns acting like rock band roadies with police keeping the crazed crowd back.

Suddenly, a man in a suit holding a corded microphone came out of the plane.

"Hello, Boston!" The man greeted the crowd, "Are you ready to humbllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeee yourself before God?" The crowd cheered wildly as a result. "What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? COME ON!" The crowd then went louder, "Then put your hands together for The One, The Only, His Holiness, The Pope!" The man then stepped down the stairway as The Pope then stepped out and greeted His followers.

It then zoomed out of the TV and back to Peter, who was intrigued by the event.

"Hey, I just got a crazy idea!" Peter then acknowledged.

"What is it?" Frank Jr asked Peter.

Peter went over to the other end of the table off-screen and brought out a waffle iron. He then inexplicably burns his hand in it.

"AH! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!" Peter screamed in pain as he got his hand out and swished it around a few times and then had his other hand on it, "(sighs) Nothing..."

"I think I've got a better idea." Frank acknowledged as he took john, Tyler with him and left the kitchen.

It then showed the Boston Budget Hotel, which was where The Pope was staying. The sign outside also said, "Welcome Pope." Inside were a group called "Pope-Alooza" in one of the hotel suites, where their manager was on the phone and the priests were reading the Bible.

"Huh." One of the priests exclaimed, "Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says 'Jebus'." They all then turned to mentioned page to check it out, while the priest who acknowledged it showed it to another one next to him.

"It's supposed to be 'Jesus', right?" The priest next to him said when John and Tyler came in disguised as bellhops.

"Room service!" Frank, John and Tyler both announced in unison.

"We didn't order no room service!" The manager testified.

"Well, uh, uh, actually, we-we just wanted to check to see if there's any stowaway paparazi in here." John said as he, Frank and Tyler stepped in, "The last celebrity that was staying here got ambushed in the bathroom."

"Alright, wise guys, who are you two?" The manager questioned the duo, seeing through their disguises.

"Look, we're just two guys who are living with a wonderful family in Rhode Island and the father there has a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve." John confessed to the group.

"That's right." Tyler said, "So, please, won't you help?"

The priests looked at them for a moment before...

"Dust them!" One of the priests ordered.

"WHA- THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GETTING FROM YOU GUYS?!" Frank shouted at them as a priest used his cane to drag both Frank, John and Tyler out of the room by their neck collars.

They stopped at a garbage chute in the hall, where one of the priests opened it and he and the manager threw the boys into it.

Outside, a man was waiting next to the dumpster, where John and Tyler came out of the chute at last, landed on and bounced off the pile of trash that was piling up from the dumpster and landed hard on the floor.

"My heavens! Are you boys okay?" The man asked Frank, John and Tyler running over to their side.

"Yeah, we just got bounced by The Pope's road crew." John answered.

"Good thing you boys missed me." The man said, "I'm set to drive the Popemobile and any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours."

"Really?" Tyler asked intrigued.

"Oh, yes." The driver chuckled, "I always wake up feeling fine, but it is just so darn inconvenient to be knocked out that easily. Even by the slightest tap or touch."

"You mean like this?" Frank asked touching the driver's forehead with his finger.

"Yes, like tha-" The driver was about to say before dropping to the ground losing consciousness.

Frank, John and Tyler took a look at the Popemobile and then to the Popemobile's now unconscious driver. Frank soon developed an idea.

Later, the Popemobile was driving down a city street with The Pope inside as He was waving to the crowd cheering for Him. Inside were Frank, John and Tyler, now dressed in the previous driver's attire (and if you're wondering, Tyler was wearing a spare uniform) and then when nobody was looking, they took an upcoming right lane that coincidentally lead to Quahog.

It then cut to a scene from _Cool Hand Luke_, most specifically the chain gang scene.

"Taking it off here, Boss." Luke said to the Captain taking his shirt off.

"Take it off there, Luke." The Captain told Luke.

"Wiping it off here, Boss." Dragline said to the Captain taking a rag out and wiping off his sweat.

"Wipe it off there, Dragline." The Captain told Dragline.

"Waving at The Pope here, Boss." Luke said waving as the Popemobile passed by.

"Wave at The Pope there, Luke." The Captain told Luke.

Later, the Popemobile was still miles away from Quahog when The Pope began to wonder.

"Are you sure this is Boston?" The Pope asked Frank, John and Tyler.

"Yes, sir." Tyler answered, "And look over there, it's Harvard."

"That's just a barn." The Pope corrected Tyler.

"Geez, someone went to Yale." Frank remarked, "Hey, Tyler, since when do you know how to drive?"

"Huh. You know, I don't know. Oh, well." Tyler said as he continued driving without messing up.

Back at the Griffin home, Lois was mopping the kitchen floor,

"Hey, Mrs. Griffin, we brought company." John and Tyler said in unison off-screen to Lois.

"Careful, boys, I just cleaned the floors." Lois warned Frank, John and Tyler, picking up a plate of brownies as it panned to John and Tyler at the door with The Pope kissing the floor.

"Good thing." Frank said.

"Mmm. Lemony." The Pope acknowledged.

Lois dropped the plate of brownies she was holding in surprise.

"Your Holiness, this is such an honor." Lois said to the Pope, glorified by His presence, "Please, go into the living room and make yourself at home!"

The Pope then did just as Lois suggest, then Lois came up to Frank, John and Tyler.

"Boys, what is The Pope doing here?!" Lois asked John and Tyler.

"Well, Mrs. Griffin, we hijacked His bubble car so that He can help your husband, Mr. Griffin, convince his father he's a good man." John told Lois, who was shocked at what they told her.

"You three kidnapped The Pope?!" Lois reacted.

"Yeah." Tyler responded.

"Boys, this is the most reckless thing you've ever done." Lois told Frank, John and Tyler, "The last time something like this happened was when Mr. Griffin was on an airplane."

**Cutaway #5**

Peter was in an airplane, where he was staring at the emergency exit's warning label, reading "DO NOT PULL." Peter just stared at it, until he pulled the lever open, causing the door to break off and suck Peter out of the plane, leading him to fall to the ground below giggling in amusement.

**End**

In the living room, The Pope was getting along with everyone. Frank, John and Tyler were there glad to see that The Pope is already acquainted with the family and decided it was time to introduce Peter.

"Mr. Griffin, could you come down here for a minute?" John called out to Peter, who was in his room lying on the bed still feeling depressed like earlier.

"Sure" Peter answered as he got out of bed, left the room and went downstairs to see what John wanted, only to find The Pope in his living room, "What the hell? The Pope? W-What are you doing here?"

"We brought Him all the way here so that He'll help you out with your dad." Frank told Peter.

"Yes, Peter, you've raised a fine family." The Pope praised Peter getting up from the couch.

"Yeah, well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up." Peter said otherwise, "Hey, since Frank, John and Tyler brought You over here, I was hoping You could change his mind. He-He'd have to believe You. You're God's go-to guy."

Well, your father is entitled to his opinion." The Pope pointed out, "But more important is what you think. Look deep in your heart, my son. Do you think you're a screw-up?"

"Well..." Peter replied turning to his kids. It showed Frank, Frank Jr and Meg, who smiled back at her father. Then at Persephone who smiled back as well at her father, then it panned to the right where Chris was still was going through intestinal pain. It panned lastly to Stewie, who was polishing a sniper rifle and pulled it behind his back when he noticed Peter looking at him. This gave Peter some confidence, "No. I'm not. Y-You know what? I'm a damn good father. And I have great kids."

"Well, that's not what grandpa says." Frank Jr stated.

"Well, grandpa is wrong." Peter reassured Frank Jr, then sitting next to Persephone, " Persephone, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys."

Persephone kissed her father on the cheek. "Thanks, daddy." Persephone thanked Peter.

"And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God." Peter then said to Chris, "Ad if you're sorry, he'll forgive you."

"Thanks, dad!" Chris thanked Peter in relief as he rushed upstairs to the bathroom.

"Good for you, Peter." Lois congratulated Peter, "But isn't there someone else you should speak to?"

"Yes, there is." Frank Jr said as he got up and went to... The Scarecrow? "Scarecrow, you've had brains all along."

"Okay, this is not what we were talking about." Frank then stated.

"Same goes for your heart, Tin Man." Peter then said to Tin Man and then to, "And Kristy McNichol, come back to television." As you would guess, it was Kristy McNichol instead of presumably the Cowardly Lion, "We miss you."

"Peter, Frank Jr, we meant you should talk to your father." Lois pointed out to Peter.

"You're right." Peter agreed, "You with me, Big Guy?"

"Peter, I go where I am needed." The Pope told Peter.

"To the Pope mobile!" Frank and Frank Jr exclaimed in a _Batman_-style sequence where after a trancision card showing The Pope's hat in a golden, spinning background, it showed Peter, John, Tyler, Frank, Frank Jr and The Pope in the Popemobile as it exited through a cave, for some reason and reached the Happy Go-Lucky Toy Factory.

Inside, every worker was almost in the appearance of slaves as their clothes were tathered and worn-out while they were busy quickly putting together Furbys.

"Hey, guys." Peter came in talking to his old co-workers, "Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son? Well, I think this is gonna top it." He stepped away to allow The Pope to enter, where His appearance garnered everyone's attention.

"Wow, it's The Pope!" One of the workers exclaimed.

"Slothful sinners!" Francis criticized the employees, who went back to work, "You're here to work and earn money, not sit around with your-" Francis paused after he caught The Pope in his sight, "HOLY MOTHER! IT'S THE HOLY FATHER!" He kneels down and does a Sign of the Cross while doing so, "I am not worthy."

"Rise, my son." The Pope instructed Francis, "You are indeed worthy, for you have raise a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation God's great love within us all."

"Wow!" Peter exclaimed in amazement, "And that's from The freakin' Pope!"

"See, Mr. Griffin?" John said to Francis, "This is what Christianity truly is. Looks like you were wrong all along."

"I was wrong, alright." Francis responded.

"Stand by, boys." Peter told the band from before, who got themselves ready.

"I was wrong about You!" Francis then said to The Pope, much to everyone's surprise, including The Pope's, "You've got soft on me, Holy Father! Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good!"

"Are you accusing Me of deceit?!" The Pope questioned Francis in outrage of the latter's rude criticism.

"Whoa, easy, Your Holiness." Peter said to The Pope, trying to prevent a fight.

"Because I shall have the church inscriminate you for your inexcuseable-" The Pope warned Francis.

"Okay, time out." Peter exclaimed as he pulled both The Pope and Francis away from each other.

"We apologize on Mr. Griffin's behalf, Father." John apologized to The Pope.

"No worries, boys." The Pope assured to John and Tyler, "But, (sigh) I have never met such an intolerable, corrupt man. And Peter, you must truly be blessed with the patience of a saint."

"Well, he's my dad and I just want him to love me." Peter replied.

"Peter..." Francis astonished from behind Peter, "... how can you say such a thing?" He came up to Peter, "I love you with all my heart."

Peter then gave the band their cue to play, which they did.

"You do?" Peter asked.

"Of course." Francis answered, "I just don't approve some of the things you do. Such as the pornography, the drinking, the need to watch television all day instead of maybe spending time with your family. I just wish you would think otherwise sometimes is all." Then the music stopped.

"No, keep playing, you guys." Frank told the band, "I think this is as good as its gonna get." The music then played back on, "Dad, to be honest, I don't approve some of the things you do, either. Ah, jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell, huh?"

'And I guess that goes for us, too, for what we said to him, huh?" John and Tyler said to The Pope.

"Well, that depends on whether they deserved it or not, boys." The Pope assured to the duo, then turned to Peter, "Peter, the good Lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about honoring the things he does."

"Well, in that case, dad, I promise that I'm gonna eat only fish on Fridays during Lent and eat meat before and after that, golf after church, laugh at Jewish humor, and yes, spend more time with my wife and kids." He then glanced at The Pope, "Uh, But I won't enjoy it whenever I sleep with my wife. She hates it." The Pope, however, only gave Peter a confused look on His face as to what the latter meant.

"Well, alright, then." Francis approved, "I'll be on me way. Take back your jobs, and give your old man a hug." He then formed a hug with Peter.

"I love you, dad." Peter said to Francis.

"I know you do, son. And the same goes for you, too." Francis told Peter as he stopped hugging with Peter.

"What are you gonna do now?" Frank Jr asked Francis.

"I don't know." Francis answered, "I guess where the good Lord needs me the most, I assure."

"Well, we are looking for a new bodyguard for My tour." The Pope volunteered, "Perhaps maybe this will also serve as a form of redemption."

"Y-You'd give my dad a job?" Peter asked The Pope, "Even after the way he treated You, aftewards?"

"Peter, our duty as Christians is to help others in any way possible." The Pope said to Peter, "Even when they least expect it. And besides, as you said Frank Jr, 'I'm The flippin' Pope.'"

Later that night, everyone was watching The Pope's tour on TV, where The Pope was returning to the church he works in.

"Alright, get back!" Francis, now a bodyguard, said to the crowd while the camera was focused on The Pope entering the church, "Sorry, but no flash photography in the chapel." He then approached the cameraman, "Alright, that's a rap. Now, turn that camera off or I'll turn it off for ya!" He then knocked the camera down to the ground, where it only showed a couple of people in pews.

Cuts back to the family.

"Well, I think your father found the perfect job." Lois acknowledged.

"Sorta." Frank, Frank Jr, John and Tyler remarked in unison.

"Yeah, let's hope so." Peter stated, "I love being a good father, but I don't have to be a good son in front of my father again for a long, long time."

"Thank God." John praised.

"But what about your mo-" Tyler was about to ask Peter when a knock was heard on the door.

"Peter, open the door and break out the schnapps!" An elderly voice said to Peter from the other side of the door, "Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?"

"Grandma?!" Frank exclaimed.

"TYLER!" John shouted at Tyler.

"Oops." Tyler exclaimed.

"Oh, my God, NO!" Brian panicked.

"Quick, everyone!" Frank stated, "Into the pod!"

They all soon dashed into a hole on the wall next to the TV, where it closed shut and it was revealed to be an escape pod, where it blasted off into the sky.

**The End**


	12. Chapter 11: Da Boom

**Chapter 11: Da Boom**

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

It's been almost a whole year since John and Tyler became apart of the Griffin/Mallque family and they were about to spent another year with them as today was December 31, 1999, New Year's Eve.

The family (except Persephone) were celebrating New Year's Eve watching the Channel 5 News, who was also celebrating said holiday.

"And that concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years." Diane said as it showed her and Tom on TV.

"We leave you this New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium." Tom said.

It then showed historical figures that were around the past millennium such as Joan of Arc, Leonardo Da Vinci and Normal Fell as sentimental music played in the background.

"Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party!" Persephone said to everyone as she walked in, "I am so psyched!"

"WHOOAA!" Tyler and Frank Jr cheered, "PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!"

"Yeah, that's the spirit Frank Jr, Tyler." Peter praised Frank Jr and Tyler's positive attitude, "And there's nothing like a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about cleaning up the mess."

**Cutaway #1**

Peter, Frank, Meg and Lois were attending a party at one of their neighbor's houses, where they were doing a conga line. Peter and Frank were, however, drunk from the wine being served there and had a lampshade on their heads, though no one seemed to notice as they soon splashed out the wine from their glass, then dropped the glass and then went outside and suddenly rammed the family car through a nearby wall.

**End**

Later than day, Frank Jr and Peter had purchased a ton of alcohol at the 13th Step, a liquor store and was walking out.

"Well, looks like someone's going to a big party tonight." A man in a chicken suit said seeing Peter's basket, "You should *chicken squawk* pick-up a chicken strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon."

"Whoa, whoa, look, pal, we don't take coupons from giant chickens." Frank Jr shrugged off the man's offer, "Not after last time."

It then flashed back to a time when Peter and Frank Jr were at a grocery store already at the checkout line.

"Oh, yeah, and, uh, that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon." Peter told the cashier, Frank Jr pointing to a human-sized, yellow male chicken and then handing the cashier what seemed to be a coupon.

"Sir, this isn't a coupon." The cashier told Peter, "It's a picture of a woman in a nightgown."

"Really?" Frank Jr said swiping away the picture with a dirty look on his face, then a disturbed one, "Wait a minute. That's my Grandma!" they then turned around, "You son of a-"

It then showed the chicken, who seemed surprised by Frank Jr and Peter's anger and the latter then tackled the poultry bursting through the window. As they rolled on the sidewalk. They soon got up their feet and started the fight with a few punches, then the chicken pecking Peter's noggin.

Frank Jr then knocked the chicken back, but the chicken side kicked them before the latter punched the chicken again, sending the bird next to a staircase. The chicken runs up the stairs and Frank Jr, Peter chases after him before grabbing his talon and the chicken trips. Frank Jr ran up and started punching the chicken, then the chicken pecked Frank Jr and Peter again, but Peter got the upper hand before knocking the chicken off the rail, where he landed on top of a truck and waving them goodbye.

Relieved, the chicken then looks behind him and finds, to his surprise, Peter and Frank Jr at another bridge, where they latter jumps off and tackles the chicken and roll to the front of the truck.

Peter and Frank Jr delivers a few punches to the chicken's face, but the latter returns the punches and then pushes Peter back, nearly knocking him in the process. Luckily, Frank Jr grabs the ladder at the back of the truck.

The driver looks into the mirror and sees the chicken trying to knock Peter and Frank Jr off the ladder at the back and turned to find he was heading toward an active draw bridge. The driver tries to stop the truck, but the vehicle skidded up to the tip of the bridge and a boat was passing underneath. Before the truck fell, the chicken grabbed a Channel 6 News helicopter flying below them, but Peter and Frank Jr grabbed onto the chicken also, sparing them from death as the truck fell off the raised bridge and crashing onto the boat, resulting in an explosion.

The helicopter then flew into the city as Frank Jr, Peter and the chicken continued their fight, but were cut short when they soon spotted a building coming toward their direction.

"I'm gonna need these by Friday." An office man said to one of his colleagues handing the latter a file.

"Oh, is that going to give us enough time to crosscheck the-" The other told the office man before Frank Jr, Peter and the chicken crashed into the break room and continued their fight, until they crashed into a room with a copy machine inside, where Peter rammed the lid of the machine on the chicken's head and images of the latter's smashed face printed out.

Peter and Frank Jr then exited the room, where the building's workers were shown to have been watching the fight.

"Chicken..." Frank Jr panted, "... had a picture of my gr-" Frank Jr and Peter was then rammed by the chicken, who was still alive and Frank Jr, Peter was struggling to get the bird off, but the three fell off the building and plummeted to the ground, though Frank Jr and Peter landed on the chicken, who was underneath and this time dead.

Relieved, Frank Jr and Peter then walked into the sunset as the camera panned to the chicken's corpse, but the chicken was still alive as its eyes popped open and developed a look of revenge.

Cuts back to the present.

"Some other time, pal." Peter told the man in the chicken suit as he was about to walk back to his car.

"There won't be any other time." The man soon stopped the three, now sounding serious, "The world is gonna end at midnight tonight! Y2K!"

"Y2K- What are you selling? Chicken or sex jelly?" Peter scolded the man.

"Haven't you heard?" The man asked, "At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Frank Jr screamed in horror as he ran to the Trix Rabbit holding a box of his cereal _Trix._

"Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!" Frank Jr told off the Rabbit in the famous line of the commercials, then walked back to the man in the chicken suit, "Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from my homie, Jesus." He then reached the man, "I'm-I'm sorry, what were you sayin'?"

Later, Peter and Frank Jr came back home, where Menma, who move in into Cleveland's, Cleveland, Joe, zeek, rage, frank and menma's brother who move in with joe and Quagmire were outside Quagmire's house with a balloon tied to the mailbox as Peter parked in the driveway and was about to pull out the large box on top of the car.

"Hey, Peter, Frank Jr." Cleveland greeted them both, "In case you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for 'party over here!'" Menma did a little cheer while saying that.

"Ah, forget the party, the world's gonna end! Y2K!" Peter warned his friends, "I haerd it from a chicken-man! Boys, I'm gonna need your help out here!"

The guys only laughed at Peter's belief.

"Oh, Peter, Frank Jr, you guys are the height of just-too-mucherie." Cleveland remarked.

"Well, laugh all you want." Frank Jr told them, "But when you die, you'll have to go to Heaven. And you know what? You know what? I bet you run into two dead bailiff ladies from _Night Court_. And you're not gonna know which is which and it's gonna be really awkward. So bite me."

"What's going on over here?" John popped out of nowhere with Frank, Tyler and asked Peter.

"AAHHH!" Peter reacted in panic, as well as Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe, "Oh, it's just you, boys. Thank God."

"Again. What's going on over here?" Frank asked, "Is it about Quagmire's millennium party?"

"Sorry, boys, but we're not going to the party." Peter told John and Tyler, who soon became shocked.

"What? Why?" Tyler asked.

"Because the world's gonna end, that why!" Frank Jr told Tyler, "I heard it all from a chicken-man! Everything computer in the world will fail! Planes will fall from the sky! And all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Frank, John and Tyler reacted in the same way Frank Jr did the first time he heard about it, but ran to Silvester the Cat, who seemingly captured Tweety Bird in his paws. John pulls out a cartoon hammer and hits Sylvester in the head with it, freeing Tweety.

"Bad old, Putty Tat." Frank said to Sylvester while imitating Tweety's voice.

"Yeah!" Tyler agreed as he and John went back to Peter and Frank Jr, "Thought he could get that poor bird this time, huh?"

"Yeah, we showed him!" John soon said, "Uh, we're-we're sorry about that, Mr. Griffin, now what were you talking about again?"

Later when it was about nighttime, the rest of the family was getting ready for Quagmire's millennium party as Lois was in the living room wearing a red-striped dress putting on her earrings and Meg was wearing a blue-striped dress while sitting on the couch.

"Hey, can you help me with these damn studs?" Brian came in and asked Meg.

"Aren't you a little over-dressed?" Meg asked back noticing that Brian was wearing a tuxedo.

"Oh, well, I..." Brian exclaimed, "Actually, I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's. There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and... Well, I'm-I'm trying to nail the flautist."

Stewie then strolled in the room in a diaper while wearing a cache around him reading "Baby New Year."

"Ooohh, Stewie, you're adorable!" Lois awed over her baby's attire.

"Yes, yes, I rather like the sash, but do the Huggies make my ass look big?" Stewie asked Lois and Brian's opinions on his get-up.

"Peter, Frank, Frank Jr, come on!" Lois called out to Peter, "You've had 1,000 years to get ready for this party!" Meg then turned to Brian, "It always takes them so long to get dressed."

**Cutaway #2**

Lois and Meg were in the bathroom with the same dress, except this time lavender, light blue and was getting themselves ready. Meg then looked at her watch.

"Frank, we're gonna be late for my aunt's wedding." Meg said to Frank, Peter and Frank Jr on the other side of the door, "Aren't you guys dressed yet?"

Peter, Frank, Frank Jr then came in dressed exactly like Meg and Lois, except for the hair.

"Oh, crap." Frank Jr exclaimed realizing that he and Lois are wearing the same thing, "Well, one of us is gonna have to change."

Lois and Meg only gave them, a look of annoyance on her face. They got the message.

"Unzip us." Peter sighed turning around.

**End**

Persephone and Chris soon came in all ready to go. Lois noticed that Frank, John and Tyler were not with them.

"Where's are the boys?" Lois asked.

"They're still down in the basement." Chris told Lois. Persephone nudged him in his right arm, "Ow! I mean, their room."

"That's better." Lois said as she went to the door to John and Tyler's room. She then knocked on the door.

John answered the door along with Frank, Frank Jr and Tyler, where they were in hazmat suits.

"Yes?" John asked as Lois soon right after shrieked in surprise at John, Frank, Frank Jr and Tyler's attire.

"OH, MY GOD!" Chris panicked, "THE GOVERNMENT IS HERE!"

"WHERE?!" Frank Jr and Tyler reacted.

"RUN, E.T., RUN!" Chris called out to someone offscreen, where it shows E.T. running away.

"ALIEN! I KNEW THEY EXISTED!" Frank Jr then said after seeing E.T. run off, "I HAVE TO REPORT THIS TO AREA 51!" Frank Jr then dashed downstairs as Peter, also in a hazmat suit, came up.

"THERE'S NO TIME!" John shouted, "THE WORLD'S ABOUT TO END IN ABOUT A FEW HOURS FROM NOW!"

"DANGIT!" Frank Jr and Tyler cursed.

"You heard the kid, the end of the world is coming!" Peter said to Lois, "Now, come on. Get in your radiation suits."

"Time is of the essence!" John exclaimed.

"Frank, Frank Jr, John, you and Tyler are not gonna miss a once-in-a-lifetime event and your first party with the family because of some wacko doomsday theory." Lois affirmed to John.

"But it's not a the-" John said to Lois, but was cut by Frank Jr.

"Okay. Okay. We got it." Frank Jr seemingly agreed.

"But what about-" John asked.

"Don't worry. Frank Jr got a plan." Peter whispered assuringly to John, then went to the living room, "Hey, uh, you guys. You know that one Christmas present you really wanted but didn't get?"

Hearing this had everyone's faces beaming with excitement.

"A cool clothes?!" Meg exclaimed.

"A phone?!" Persephone exclaimed.

"A pony?!" Chris asked.

"A humidor?!" Brian asked.

"A dead Lois?" Stewie asked.

"Yeah!" Frank Jr assured them, "Well, it's in John and Tyler's room. Come on, let's go see."

Tyler was just coming back up when hearing Meg, Persephone, Chris, Brian and Stewie talking about the presents Peter apparently promised them.

"Free presents? In my room?" Tyler questioned, "WOO-HOO! Wait for me!" He then followed them.

"What the hell?" Lois muttered at what she saw, "Peter, if you, Frank, Frank Jr, John and Tyler want to stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids!"

"Honey, are you pregnant?" Peter asked.

"No." Lois answered.

"Push her." Frank ordered John.

John did as Frank asked as Lois tumbled down the stairs.

"Heads up, Tyler-" John called out to Tyler when a crash sound was heard, "Never mind."

Later, the family went along with Frank Jr, Frank, Peter, John and Tyler's plan and were now in John and Tyler's room (the basement) for the rest of the night as they were all now in radiation suits.

"Oh, dear me, yes, yes, this is how I wanted to enter the new millennium." Stewie commented sarcastically, "Locked in a basement-"

"BEDROOM!" John corrected.

"Ugh! Alright, locked in a bedroom with IMBECILES dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong." Stewie soon finished.

"Thanks a lot, Peter." Brian sarcastically said to Peter, "Right now, I could be in Boston, pretending I'd give a rat's ass about Vivaldi."

"Yeah, and I could be getting felt up by Kevin." Persephone agreed with Brian.

"Now, Persephone, don't you give it all away up front. Make him work for it." Lois instructed her daughter, "And shame on you, Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear-holocaust nonsense. And that goes for you, too, Boys."

"What'd we do?" John asked.

"You're supporting Mr. Griffin's idea." Lois reminded them.

"Yeah, well, in the next minute, you're gonna be thanking us." John said to Lois, "You'll see. Mr. Griffin knows what he's doing. Right?"

"Yep. And Grandma, you said 'nuclear'." Frank Jr chuckled at Lois, "It's 'nucular,' dummy. The S is silent."

"It's almost midnight." Chris informed everyone watching the Channel 5 News on John and Tyler's TV, which had a few game consoles alongside it. It then showed the TV's screen where Tom Tucker and Dian Simmons were both wearing party hats and having some champagne.

"We now go live to Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa." Diane said as she and Tom turned to the image of said reporter, "Trisha, what can you tell us?"

"Diane, Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium." Trisha reported as she pointed to the alabaster clam, which was about to lower.

It then slowly descended to the rooftop as it lit up and everyone started counted down the last ten seconds of 1999.

"This is it!" Peter exclaimed nervously.

It then showed everyone at Quagmire's millennium party also counting down.

"Here it comes!" Tyler said.

"Hold on tight!" Frank Jr warned the family.

"...3. 2. 1. HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Everyone cheered as the clam finally reached the roof floor and so far nothing happened. The Griffins didn't have the same reaction as everyone above did.

"A flautist, guys!" Brian criticized Frank Jr, Frank, Peter, John and Tyler.

"But I don't understand..." John said.

"I know. Planes should be falling from the sky right now." Tyler agreed with his friend.

"Well, I hope you and the boys are happy, Peter." Lois told Peter, "Come on, kids. We can still make the party if we-"

But soon the ground began to shake violently where it showed outside a plane crashing into the Griffins' front lawn and, for some reason, a tram crashed into Joe's house.

Elsewhere, just as Frank Jr was told, missiles began launching by themselves, then it cut to three generals toasting to the New Year.

"Nice work, Lieutenant." One of the generals praised as they looked at the monitor, which showed the United States with "HAPPY NEW YEAR" spelled, though it's "Y" was misshaped, "Very festive."

"Actually, sir, each of those lights represents a missile launching by itself." a man patrolling the monitors, "The pattern is just a coincidence."

"Oh. Well, now that you mention it, the 'Y' is a little misshapen." The general then pointed out, "Still, it's pretty amazing."

Elsewhere, President Bill Clinton was at an event called the "Clinton Fundraiser." But as he sat back down after waving, he and everyone else saw the nuclear explosions outside. He then turned to his wife, Hilary Clinton, then looked at her chest.

"Ah, what the hell." Clinton exclaimed, "Come here, Hilary." He then groped her right breast.

At the Earth's orbit, explosions from the launched missiles were shown throughout the planet. It was being viewed by aliens in their saucer.

"What'd I miss?" A naked, blonde-haired man with a Cajun accent and a probe sticking out of his anus came up behind one of the aliens' seats and asked about the situation.

It then cut back to the Griffins home as a nearby explosion's shockwave behind it destroys it, leaving it in ruins.

"HOLY CRAP!" Peter exclaimed after 2 seconds of silence, "Anybody else feel that?"

"HA!" Frank and John gloated, "KNEW IT!"

"IN YOUR FACES!" Frank Jr and Tyler also gloated.

The next morning, the neighborhood was in complete ruins and the Griffin's house was no exception. In the decimated kitchen, Lois was cooking eggs on a license plate she was using as a frying pan over an oil drum filled with hot coal for breakfast. The rest of the family (except Frank Jr, Frank, Peter, John and Tyler) were at the table.

"Good morning, family." Peter and Frank Jr greeted his family.

"Mornin'." Frank, John and Tyler both greeted them also in unison.

"Hey, Lois. You remember when I was the third Hardy Boy?" Peter asked Lois.

"Peter, there was no third Hardy Boy." Lois corrected Peter.

"Oh, really?" Peter asked again, "Just like there was no apocalypse?"

"WHHOOOOOOAAAAAA!" Frank Jr, Frank, Peter, John and Tyler chanted.

"HE SHOOTS! HE SCORES!" Frank Jr cheered.

"YEAH, TOUCHDOWN!" Tyler cheered also as he belly-bumped John then Frank, whom got knocked back by it, which Meg was hit in the way.

"Okay, we were wrong about the end of the world and you guys were right." Meg admitted about what happened last night, "Can we please just drop it?"

"No, I'm not gonna drop this." Tyler said to Lois, "I'm gonna keep this memory forever!" Tyler raised his arms in the air as he said this, but after three seconds had passed, "What were we talking about again?"

Everyone, however, only cringed in irritancy at Tyler's slow personality.

"It's just not fair." Persephone complained, "I finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized!"

"He's just using that as an excuse." Chris smirk commented, then chuckled to himself.

"Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation free." Lois reassured everyone.

"I said I can do it." A voice sounding like Cleveland's was heard behind the kitchen door.

"'Eh, SHUT UP!" Another voice now that of Quagmire came from the same area, until the screen door fell over and revealed that Quagmire was fused to Cleveland's right hip and only his (Quagmire's) upper body was sticking out with menma helping them out.

"Oh, hey, Clevemire." Frank Jr greeted the mutated duo.

"That's 'Quagland'." Quagmire corrected.

"Quagland?" Menma asked, "Oh, you must be dreamin'."

"Not about kicking your fat ass!" Quagmire said as he delivered a punch to Menma's face, then a few more, until Cleveland flinged Quagmire.

"Boys, please." Lois said to Clevemire, "You used to be so close."

"Sorry, Lois." Cleveland apologized, "We're both a little crabby on account of the fact that neither one of us has had any food since we got fused together."

"Wow, we just finished off what was left in the kitchen." Lois informed Clevemire, "*sighs* When I think of all the food we've wasted in this house..."

**Cutaway #3**

It showed Peter and Frank Jr sitting on the floor close to the TV with an open can of beans.

"Here, Tom Selleck." Frank Jr said to the actor shown on the TV, trying to feed him the beans, "Come on. Down the hatch. Come on." While Peter scooped another spoonful after only ending up splattering beans on the screen, the scene changed to Higgins, "HE-HEY! Hey! None for you, Higgins! Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No! No! You've had yours!"

**End**

"Thank goodness, Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated before the blast." Lois said gratefully.

However, Frank Jr had eaten all of the dehydrated meals as he was finishing off the last one.

"Frank Jr, what are you doing?!" Lois questioned Frank Jr, "You just ate a year's worth of food!"

"Heh. What a waste of money." Frank Jr brushed off his deed, "I'm still hungry."

"Maybe that's because you didn't add water first." John informed Peter showing the latter the instructions.

"Huh, that explains it." Frank Jr guessed as he picked up his drink of water.

"FRANK JR, DO-" Tyler tried to stop Frank Jr, but was too late as Frank Jr drank all the water in his glass and a second later, he bloats into a round ball.

"Everyone leave." Frank Jr ordered everyone.

"Why?" Frank asked,

"Because I have to poop." Frank Jr answered, "NOW!" Everyone then immediately fled out of the kitchen.

Later, Frank Jr, Frank, Peter, John, Tyler and Brian were out in the ruined city searching for food. They were at what was the Stop 'N Shop.

"Well, so much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop." Frank Jr remarked.

"Figures. The one time I remember my Value Club card." Peter said throwing the now useless card to the ground.

"Now what do we do?" John asked.

Brian then picked up a scent from behind.

"Wait a minute." Brian exclaimed sniffing more to see what it was, "I smell barbecue."

"Yeah, something smells good." Frank agreed.

"Do you know where it's coming from?" John asked Brian.

The next scene rolled over, showing the ruined Channel 5 News building as Frank Jr, Frank, Peter, John and Tyler followed Brian inside. He then stopped in a room and gasped in horror at what he saw. The other three soon reacted the same thing as it was actually Tom and Diane still at their old desk eating what appears to be meat of some kind.

"So what do you think, Diane?" Tom asked his co-anchor, "Can I cook, or what?"

"Mm, delicious, Tom." Diane praised Tom's "cooking", "I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks." They both laughed at Diane's joke.

"Oh, my God!" Brian exclaimed in horror, "They're eating Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa."

"That's crazy!" Tyler responded.

"Yeah, they're just gonna be hungry again in an hour." Frank Jr said.

"Actually, now that you mentioned it, Frank Jr, I think we'd better get out of here while we still can." Frank suggested.

"Why?" Tyler asked John.

"Because they might have us as dessert if they catch us here." John explained.

"Oh, come on, there's no way that-" Peter was about to say to John.

"Tom, look!" Diane told Tom spotting our heroes, "There's more!"

"Get them!" Tom demanded as he and Diane got us after them.

"RUN!" Peter shouted as they all attempted to run away.

But just as they're about to exit the room, however, Frank Jr trips and before he gets the chance to get up, Tom and Diane were about to close in on him. As Frank Jr was seemingly to die, a loud crushed noise was heard and it revealed John crushed the now dead cannibals using a loose girder that was left hanging open from debris. John was panting heavily as he was carrying a very heavy weapon.

"Thanks, John." Frank Jr said, "I owe you one. And I won't forget it." Frank Jr then went to join Brian and Tyler.

"You've forgotten all about it, haven't you?" Brian asked Frank Jr.

"Forgot what?" Frank Jr asked confused.

"Never mind, let's just go." Brian recommended as the both of them left.

Tyler was about to be the last to leave, he stopped and noticed his best friend still where he was at and kneeled down the floor, facing down.

"J-man?" Tyler exclaimed.

All that was in John's mind at the moment was guilt. The uneasy guilt of taking another person's life and the fact it might have scarred his life forever.

"J-man?" Tyler called out to John again, "Are you okay?"

"Huh?! Oh, uh, yeah..." John lied, not wanting to worry his best friend, "...I'm fine..."

The both of them then exited the building and joined Peter and Brian on the way back home. Though, deep in John's heart, the pain remained, almost as if he had experienced it somewhere else before.

(A/N: This will also be important in a future episode in Season 3, which has yet to be released. So, hope you'll look forward to that future episode.)

Back at the ruined Griffin house, the family was gathering everything they needed into the now wrecked station wagon and try to find another place for food.

"Come on, Woody." Chris said to a potted tree he was carrying to the car, "We're gonna search for food."

"Sorry, Chris." Peter said to Chris, "The plant can't come."

"It's his best friend." Frank Jr whispered to Peter.

"Frank Jr, it'll just be another mouth to feed." Peter whispered trying to give a point.

"Don't worry, Mr. Griffin." John insisted to Peter, "Tyler and I will take care of it."

They take the potted plant from Chris' hands and walked off to the backyard. However, Tyler is then heard tripping and a Chaos Blast was heard.

"Oops..." Tyler exclaimed implying that the tree was Chaos Blasted by accident.

"What was that?" Chris asked worried about "Woody."

"Uhh..." Tyler came up with energy still emitting from his hands, "Woody had a little accident..."

"That's okay. Let's go." Peter quickly insisted.

"Go where?" Lois questioned, "If there's no food in Quahog, what makes you think there's gonna be food anywhere else?"

"Grandma, everyone knows there are only three things that can survive a nuclear holocaust." Frank Jr explained to Lois, "Cockroaches, Twinkees, and, uhh..." Frank Jr soon paused for a second, then turned to John and Tyler, "W-What was that third thing, guys?"

"Cher." Tyler answered.

"Yeah, what they said." Frank Jr told Lois.

"That woman can survive just about anything." John remarked.

"And there's a Twinkee factory in Natick." Frank Jr then informed Lois.

"Twinkees?" Lois repeated.

"Yeah, I saw a story about them on A&E." Frank Jr then explained.

**Cutaway #4**

Unlike the original episode, however, Tyler was blocking the view of the TV.

"Tyler, quit blocking the TV!" Frank Jr ordered Tyler.

"Sorry." Tyler apologized moving to the right, allowing Frank Jr to see the screen.

It was a documentary on A&E about Twinkee.

"And now back to A&E'S biography of Twinkee the Kid." The announcer stated.

It showed Twinkee's mother and father (who are human) and a small title appeared below telling the audience their names: Sheila (the mother) and Greg (the father).

"It-It was, uh... It was difficult for Twink to play with other children." Greg stated about his "son", "He-He-He-He was different."

"Mmhmm." Sheila nodded.

"He was definitely... He had no bones." Greg continued, "And he couldn't really play any sports."

"Yeah, Th-That's, you know, why we got him the lasso." Sheila agreed.

"Yeah." Greg exclaimed.

It cut to an old home video of a young Twink in a Wonder Woman costume and trying to lasso a pup in the backyard.

"Oh, he'd spend hours in the backyard playing Wonder Woman." Sheila chuckled to herself, "He's gonna kill me."

Cuts back to the parents.

"He-He loved that lasso." Greg then pointed out, "He-He-Not as much as the baton. But, uh, we-we put a stop to the baton. He was... He was different enough, you know."

**End**

"We just gotta get to that Twinkee factory and we'll have all the food we need." Peter then finished explaining his plan.

"Well, good-bye, sweet home." Lois bided farewell to her former house, "Maybe someday we'll return."

"Hey, Joe, Zeek, can you guys keep an eye on the place?" Peter asked Joe, who was halfway melted into the ground with only his upper body and the tip of his wheels sticking out with Zeek with the cannon that frank gave to him was protecting his father from enemys.

"I might as well." Joe replied, "I'm melted to the ground."

Meg was then setting up mouse traps around Joe.

"There you go, Mr. Swanson." Meg said to Joe, "These ought to keep the rats away."

Frank, however, was setting up beartraps instead around the mousetraps.

"Just in case." Frank Jr said.

"Thanks, guys. Stay safe." Joe said as the family left and soon a giant rat walked up to Joe from his left, roaring like a lion and knocking away one of the mousetraps, but getting its foot caught in one of the beartraps, thus casuing it to retreat. Suddenly, everything seemed to have gotten dark, but Zeek looks up and finds a giant bear the size of an Imperial Walker (Yes, I do know a bit about _Star Wars_), which roared as it looked down also and saw Joe.

"BRING IT OOOOON!" Zeek and Joe shouted at the giant bear.

The family had just exited the city and were now driving down a straight road. They soon reach a seemingly abandoned city.

"Look, Peter, people!" Lois told Peter as a group of survivors came up.

"HALT!" The leader claimed, causing Peter to stop the car.

"Uh, oh." Peter exclaimed as he and his family got out of the car.

"I am Jorad." The leader introduced himself, "I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?"

"Uh, no, that-that's why we're on the road." Peter told the leader.

"Then you may not pass until you answer the following question." Jorad stated, "Name something you take on a picnic."

"A blanket." Meg guessed.

"Potato salad" Brian guessed.

"Chocolate pudding." Frank Jr guessed.

"A blanket." Meg guessed.

"Vanilla pudding." Frank guessed.

"Strawberry pudding." Persephone guessed.

John then walked away from the family and offscreen for seemingly no reason.

"CHICKEN!" Chris guessed.

"A sandwich." Tyler guessed.

"A dead Lois?" Stewie guessed, similar to his last guess before the apocalypse.

"Uh, uh okay, uh we're gonna go with potato salad." Peter then informed the leader.

"Show me 'potato salad'!" Jorad said impersonating _Family Feud_ pointing at his left, but nothing was there.

"I feel like something randomly hilarious is about to happen." Tyler remarked.

No one else said a word and the group continued looking at where their master pointed at.

"Maybe we should go now." Peter whispered to Lois.

"Wait, where's John?" Lois asked about John's disappearance.

"Look." Meg claimed pointing to John a mile behind the family, holding a huge ball of debris acting as if its a bowling ball. He then took a few steps and rolled the colossal heap of rubble and it was heading their direction.

"RUUN!" Peter shouted as the family jumped out of the way.

"Go for a strike!" Tyler called out to John, but realized that he was now in the way, "Oh, crud." He then got flatten like a pancake in cartoonish fashion, while the giant debris ball rolled over the survivors, where the sound of a bowling strike was heard after they were hit.

"STRRRRIIIIKKE!" John then cheered and ran back to the Griffins, "Come on, let's get outta here!"

"Uh, right! Gotcha!" Peter replied as he and the rest of the family got inside, but not before retrieving Tyler from the ground, who was still flat and driving off.

But while it was going down the road, the car then ran out of gas as it showed the needle on the gauge to empty.

"Ah, jeez! Out of gas?!" Peter exclaimed in frustration.

"Hey, Pops." Frank said to Peter, "Look!" He pointed to a house in a grassy area, despite all of the flora on Earth having been annihilated by the nuclear explosions. On its porch was an old man sitting in a rocking chair.

"Well, howdy, strangers." The old man greeted the family.

"Howdy!" Tyler greeted back now talking in a Southern accent and was wearing a hat suspiciously like the old man's hat. But it soon turned out that it was really the old man's hat itself as it showed the latter bald.

(A/N: Don't ask how Tyler managed to swipe it away from the old coot.)

The old man tapped his head where his hat was.

"Wait a minute." The old man exclaimed in realization, got up and snatched it away from Tyler and then went back to his chair.

"Anyway, you folks look plumb tuckered." The old man then said to the famiy while putting his hat back on, "Like to spit a spell?"

"Actually, we are tired." Lois stated.

"And hungry." Chris followed.

"Well, we got plenty of room here." The old man assured them, "And all the fresh apples you can eat." He showed them an apple tree.

"Oh, Peter!" Lois said gratefully to Peter, "We found a new home!"

"But what about Natick?" Frank Jr asked Lois.

"Yeah, that's where we're headed. Remember?" Peter corrected to Lois.

"For what?" Meg asked, "A Twinkee factory that might not even exist anymore?"

"Hey, you don't know that, little lady!" Tyler protested against Meg's statement.

"Actually, Tyler, she's got a good point." Brian reassured Tyler, "Besides, this place is paradise."

"Sure is." The old man agreed, "Except for Randy Newman."

"Randy Newman?" Peter repeated.

"Yup." The old man answered, "Just sits there all night and day singing about what he sees." The camera panned to Randy Newman playing a home piano next to the apple tree.

_Fat man with his kids and dog_

_Drove in through the morning fog_

"What fog?" Tyler asked Randy Newman, but the latter didn't answer the question and just kept singing.

_Hey there, Rover, come on over_

"Well, it's nice to have music while we eat." Frank acknowledged, not knowing very soon that he would be proven wrong real quickly.

_Black-headed boy, reachin' for an apple_

_Gonna take a bite, nope, nope_

_He's gonna breathe on it first_

_Wipe it on her blouse_

_He takes a bite, chews it once_

_Twice_

_Three times_

_Four times_

_Eh, stops_

_The boy is thinkin'_

_Takes a long, hard look at Randy_

_Five times_

_Fat old husband's walkin' ooveeeer_

"Let's get the hell outta here." Frank whispered to Peter as the family then wandered off away from the place.

_Eh, they're walking down the road_

_Left foot, right foot_

_Left foot, right foot_

_Left f-_

Frank threw the apple he was eating earlier at Randy, wanting to shut him up.

The family had later gotten very far in the middle of nowhere still on their way to Natick and were getting very exhausted from the walking. Chris, however, seemed to still have some energy in him as he was repeatedly singing the lyrics Randy Newman was singing before getting hit by the apple.

"Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot..." Chris sang.

"Please, Chris. Mommy's got a big headache." Lois said to Chris, but he still kept singing, "Chris-"

"SHUT IT!" Frank Jr shouted at Chris irritated as heck. Fortunately, this caused Chris to stop.

"Thank you, Sweetie." Lois thanked Christ patting his back, "Thank you, Tyler." She patted his back also, "Now, Peter, we've gotta find some food."

"Oh, my God!" Brian exclaimed, "Look!" He saw a sign that said "Natick" on the front.

"It's Natick." Peter gasped.

The family cheered as they finally got to their destination. But said factory was nowhere in their sight.

"There's no factory?" Meg asked.

"Oh, very good, Frank Jr!" Stewie gasped and scolded Frank Jr, "We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion, and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Gave over!" Stewie covered his face in loss of hope when he slipped on a puddle of nuclear waste, "Damn it!"

"Stewie, get out of that nuclear waste." Lois told Stewie picking him up despite him now possibly contaminated, "Who knows what animals have been in there."

Suddenly, the sun rose from the distance of a mountain behind the town and as light began to cover the city, it showed what seemed to be a factory. This got the Griffins' attention immediately as they instantly recognized what it actually was. And soon enough, it was the Twinkee factory. This got the Mallque/Griffin filled with joy as they immediately dashed toward it.

"Hold on." John stopped everyone, "I'll handle this." He then swung his right fist at the doors, which blew them clean off their original places.

"No words..." Peter said in tears of joy, "Should have sent a poet."

"There's enough food to last us forever!" Brian acknowledged at the amount of Twinkees in the building.

"Peter, we're saved!" Lois told Peter happily, " Frank Jr,You were right! We can settle down here and build a house, just like in Quahog!"

"Yeah!" Meg exclaimed, "And we can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out!"

"And two Denny's!" Chris suggested.

"Why two?" Tyler asked Chris.

"So we can always say: 'Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one." Chris answered.

"Oh, and we can have Quagland, Menma get Joe and zeek out of his driveway and-and we can build a community, just like the one we had." Lois then suggested.

"NO!" Frank Jr stated, "We'll build a better one. I hereby proclaim this city New Quahog!"

Just after Frank Jr's speech, Stewie's arms then mutated into purple tentacles.

"Well..." Stewie acknowledged at the mutation, "This isn't very good now, is it?"

Some time had passed and the population for the newly rebuilt city had already rolled in. Citizens were hard at work setting up establishments, planting crops, and even building a Disney Store.

Clevemire/Quagmire was also finishing up City Hall as Quagmire gave Cleveland a thumbs up, but soon got hit repeatedly in the face by the fence posts as Cleveland was walking away and not noticing Quagmire.

The Mallque/Griffins were now having breakfast.

"Guess who." Chris said to Persephone covering her eyes.

"Stop it, Chris." Persephone told Chris.

"Wrong!" Chris chuckled, "Oh. Wait. Did you say 'Chris'?"

"Stewie, time for breakfast!" Lois called Stewie, whom came in now half-mutated into only a baby head with tentacles underneath.

Tyler and Frank Jr then broke out of laughter at Stewie's current form.

"Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy?" Lois said affectionately to Stewie.

"Handsome..." Tyler snickered, "...Right!"

"The idiot is right!" Stewie lamented, "I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody-active freak!"

Then a waffle popped out of the toaster.

"Oh, waffle!" Tyler said excitedly as he reached for it, but the waffle got snitched away by Stewie, who also slapped one of his tentacles against Tyler's face, "OW!" but the waffle got snitched away Frank Jr, who also slapped him with one of Stewie tentacles against his owns face, "OW!",

Later that same day, Frank Jr, Peter and Frank were playing cards with the guys at City Hall.

"Eh, I fold.' Quagmire said, "Heh. Hey, come on. Let's go home and get tender with your wife."

"I don't know, Quagmire." Cleveland told Quagmire warily, "Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy."

**Cutaway #5**

Cleveland and Loretta were in the middle of making love underneath the covers with Quagmire's head poking out at the right side of the bed.

"Heh. Heh. Alriiight!" Quagmire said quietly satisfied that he apart of it.

**End**

"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Mayor." Brian said to Frank Jr bringing with him a man, "We have an outsider who wishes to join our community."

"Boys!" Frank Jr called out to John and Tyler, who then zipped into the room like cartoon characters while in suits.

"Hello to our fair city, sir." John said to the man, "If you want to become a citizen here, you need to get qualified first."

"Okay." The man responded, "Who do I need to talk to to get qualified?"

"You're lookin' at them." John told the man referring to him and Tyler.

"Now, what were you before the disaster?" Tyler asked the man.

"Well, before the disaster, I was a physician." The man told Tyler.

"That's terrific." Cleveland praised, "We need a doctor."

"We sure do." John said, "Okay, sir, you've got the jo-"

"Uh-uh-uh!" Peter stopped John, "You know outsiders need to pick a job out of the hat." He then handed out a top hat with bits of paper inside, "Come on."

"Sorry, sir." Tyler said to the man taking the hat out of Peter's hands and presenting it to the man, "Mayor's rules."

The man then picked a slip of paper from the hat and handed it to John, whom gave it to Frank Jr.

"Ahh, 'village idiot'. That's a good one." Frank Jr read the card in delight, "Oh Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis at traffic. Congratulations." The man didn't seem happy with his new job as he left the office.

"Frank Jr, maybe we should've just let him be a doctor." Joe suggested to Frank Jr about what should've happened.

"NO!" Peter protested, "These are the rules of New Quahog. Besides, that's how everyone else got their jobs."

**Cutaway #6**

It showed an elderly woman holding up a fire hose at a burning building.

"Go." The old woman called out, but the hose went swishing in the air with the old woman still hlding on to it.

It then cut to a man in a dentist's office.

"Y-You see, doc, my back tooth is killing me." The patient told the dentist, who was actually a mule, which bucked the man out of his chair.

**End**

"And things have worked out fine so far." Peter stated.

"Peter, no offense, but that's because we all pitched in." Clevemire pointed out to Peter.

"That's right." Joe agreed, "We built schools and hospitals."

"And not to mention the theater." Brian then pointed out.

**Cutaway #7**

It showed the town theater and it was playing "Tru" with Brian as the star. It then cut to the inside of the theater where Brian was in the middle of the show.

"But when I saw the movie..." Brian acted in a high pitched accent, "...it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's she hadn't eaten anything in a year!" Brian hoots, "I'm such a bitch!"

**End**

"And the arcade, too." John stated.

**Cutaway #8**

Like the theater cutaway, it showed the town's own arcade and cut to the inside, where the arcade machines were actually made of wood with the graphics being painted on. John was also trying to emulate the game _Space Invaders_ by holding up pictures of the game's enemies while the player's character was merely a toy car.

"Why can't I move my tank somewhere else?!" A kid at the controls shouted angrily trying to get his "character" to move.

**End**

"We have everything we need." Brian then pointed out, "And-And no crime, no guns, no pollution."

"Yeah, aside from the nuclear waste almost everywhere, this place is perfect." Tyler said to Peter.

"Brian and Tyler are right." Peter responded, "We've left ourselves defenseless! Guys, we need to make some guns!"

"Guns?" Clevemire repeated, "Guns only lead to trouble."

"Right and when that trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow it's freaken' head off!" Peter then stated, "Besides, without guns, ho-how would our forefathers have settle their differences?"

"He makes a good point." John stated.

**Cutaway #9**

It went to the infamous duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

"...8, 9,..." The official of the duel counted the step between the two men, "...10, and turn!"

However, since there were no guns as Peter pointed out in this cutaway, Hamilton and Burr resorted to a slapfight instead.

**End**

Back at the Griffin's house, Mutant Stewie was crawing around when Lois came in with a one-size-fits-all pajamas in her hands and was wearing wading boots.

"Honey, Mommy's making you some new feetie pajamas." Lois told Stewie showing him the pajamas, "And look, it has a little trap door for when you gotta make inky."

Tyler was then heard laughing outside the house.

"I'll show you inky!" Stewie talked back at Lois and tried to spray her with ink, but it missed and hit the wall behind her.

"Let's see if they fit." Lois said walking up to Stewie.

"NEVER!" Stewie protested scurrying away and managing to climb up to the ceiling and laughed mockingly.

"Look at me!" Stewie said, "I'm Fred Astaire!" However, he wasn't able to hold on for too much longer as the suction from his tentacles gave out and he dropped.

"Gotcha." Lois claimed catching him, "Oh, you are getting heavy. I'm gonna have your father flood the basement so you can get some exercise." She then left the room.

"Yes, yes, I do seem to have gained a bit of girth." Stewie acknowledged his newfound weight, "Actually, my gullet seems to be rumbling." Stewie then kneed down and grunted, where an egg came out, "Ah, there we are." Stewie looks down, "Oh, I say, I've an egg! Well, that wasn't so bad. I don't know what these women are always complaining abo-AAAHHHHH!" Stewie then suddenly laid a heap of eggs just then.

Then everyone was outside the house.

"Attention, New Quahogians." Peter said to the citizens, "Today, my vision for our future comes true. Achicken in every pot..." He then pulls out a handgun, "...and a cap in every ass!"

Everyone then dropped to the ground after seeing Peter's gun.

"Wait a minute, is that Ol' Reliable?" Frank asked Peter seeing that it was his gun.

(A/N: Yes, in case you're wondering, John has guns now. They're the same ones he stole from the criminals from "A Hero Sits Next Door" back in season 1.)

"NO!" Peter lied hiding it behind his back, but Frank swiped it away.

"More importantly, where did you get the metal for all those guns?" Lois asked Peter showing boxes labeled "GUNS".

"Recycling." Peter replied, "I used the pipes from our irrigation system."

"Are you crazy?!" A woman questioned Peter, "You destroyed all our water pipes?!"

"We don't need guns!" The same man from earlier, "We need food and water!"

"I have a canker sore on my lip!" Some random man said, "And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's only making it worse!"

"What do you want us to do about it?" Tyler talked back at the man.

"Look, there's a reason I'm in charge here, alright?" Peter said to the people, "I'm the one who knew the world was gonna end. I'm the one who found the Twinkee factory and started this town-"

"Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute, Mr. Griffin." John objected, "Frank Jr the one who told you about the Twinkee factory in Natick. So, he founded it."

"Yeah, well I took the position for mayor." Peter pointed out.

"You just said, 'I'll be the mayor! I'll be the mayor!'." John reminded,

"Well, at least I'm old enough to be mayor." Peter stated, "So, that means I get all the credit."

"But I saved your life when I stopped Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons from eating you!" John angrily reminded Peter, "You owe me, remember?"

"Well, I'm takin' it back. So, bite me." Peter talked back at John, who soon had a look of utter betrayal on his face, "Plus, I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez."

"That's nothing to be proud of!" A man stated.

"Don't be stupid!" Peter said imitating Rosie Perez, "She speak good in everythi-" Peter was then shot in the head... by Frank Jr. Frank Jr, however, realized what he had done as he just done the very exact same thing as before.

"Oh, my God! Peter!" Lois reacted to her husband.

"Oh, my God! That kid just killed the guy!" One woman acknowledged the event.

"No, wait! He didn't really mean to-" John tried to reason with the townsfolk.

"Let's get him!" One man insisted as the townsfolk gathered and grabbed Frank Jr, "Throw him out!"

"Wait! We can work this out!" Lois called to the people, but they didn't listen.

They threw Frank Jr out of the city and closed the gates behind him. Fortunately for him, Frank, John, Tyler and the family followed him.

Meanwhile, back at the former Griffin home, the eggs Stewie laid had hatched into multiple Mutant Stewie clones.

Elsewhere, the townspeople were throwing all the guns Peter had crafted into a bonfire.

"That's the last of them!" One of the men said.

"Good riddance!" Another remarked, "What the hell would we ever need guns for?"

As soon as he said that, the Stewie clones then came in. "Victory is ours!" The clones declare in unison as they attack the townsfolk.

"Quick, grab the guns!" A man demanded, "They're our only hope!"

One of the men then tried to retrieve a rifle from the fire, but one of the Stewie ambushed him from behind and fell into the fire.

"Hey, Bob." One of two random guys said to the other, "You remember the other day, you were asking me what the definition of irony was, and I said-" He was then face-hugged by one of the Stewies.

The Mallque/Griffins, meanwhile, were already miles away from New Quahog, but didn't notice its destruction as explosions went off.

"Grandma, I'm very sorry what I did to Grandpa." Frank Jr apologized to Lois, "Grandpa said he owed me his life and after what he did a few minutes ago, I just felt left out." Frank Jr sighed in shame, "I guess you hate me now, huh?"

"Oh, Frank Jr. I' m pretty sure Mr. Griffin understands right now in Heaven." Lois assured to John, "And besides, no matter what happens, we're always be together."

"So, where are we gonna go?" Meg asked.

"Well, I heard there's a Carvel factory in Framingham." Tyler said.

"ALRIGHT! FUDGIE THE WHALE!" Chris cheered, "And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O' Puss! AND NUTTY THE CHOCOLATE GHOST!"

"Come on, everybody." Lois said to everyone, "Let's sing a song."

"Or let's not and say we did." Tyler recommended.

"Oh! Uh, uh, left foot, right foot..." Chris then suggested which was what he sang before, much to John and Tyler's annoyance. What makes it worse is that the family ends up singing to it, anyway. John and Tyler try to tell them to stop, but they keep singing. Suddenly, John snaps and shoots everywhere in frustration. However, when he calms down at last, he discovers that he had unintentionally shot everyone around him, including Tyler expect Frank and Frank Jr. John was horrified by this revelation as he dropped to his knees and cried but was shot by Frank Jr on accident checking if there were any more bullets.

Later, they returned to the now-ruined New Quahog and found everyone there dead (no surprise). Frank Jr continued walking and went to the pile of burned rifles that were now ashes. Frank Jr took a look at them and came up with an idea. He took the Chaos Emeralds out of a bag he had with him and used them to restore and turn weapons into a re-due button, which worked. A Stewie clone bursted out of a nearby bush and tried to attack them, but the latter quick-push of the button and a big flash.

It then cut to Frank Jr back with Peter had purchased a ton of alcohol at the 13th Step, a liquor store and was walking out.

"Well, looks like someone's going to a big party tonight." A man in a chicken suit said seeing Peter's basket, "You should *chicken squawk* pick-up a chicken strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon." But frank Jr kick him in the nuts and said"

Not today". Peter, Frank and Frank Jr rush home and hacked into the grid and stop the missiles from blowing up the countries. Then Peter said to Frank Jr "Say, since it's New Year's, you still want to go to the party?"

"WHOA! PARTY! PARTY! PART-TAY!" Frank Jr cheered as he dashed out of his suit and went downstairs.

"Uh, no thanks, POPS." Frank told Peter, "I'm just gonna go to bed."

"Well, suit yourself." Peter said leaving the room.

Frank then removed his radiation suit and then went to bed.

It then showed what he was seemingly dreaming about as it was a blurry image of what appeared to be a figure holding another in its arms. It was weeping over the other figure and sounded like John.

(A/N: Keep in mind that this is an important part of the story and that more similar to this might come up again in future episodes. What do you guys think? If you want me to do it, then please tell in your review and I'll see what I can do. And lastly, Happy New Year!)


End file.
